Maintenance and being fair.

[Coffeshopgirl]

So, story is that DD temporarily lives with her father. Long story but basically she chose to live with him full time a year ago. I see her multiple times per week. I live with partner, we have made the decision that I will move out so I can spend time with DD, she does not get on with my partner although things are much better now.

Her father and I had always worked the money side between us. We had the Financial dispute hearing in court this week, and one of the conditions that ex asked for, although not legally binding, is that he will apply for maintenance through the CSA service.

I already pay more than my share, lunch money, dance lessons, most of her clothes, toiletries and make up, we have tea out once a week and I feed her probably another twice a week.
He obviously receives the child benefit.

I accept that he pays heating. We both give her pocket money.
I’ve suggested that I have a look what I should pay and pay that minus things like her lunch money and dance lessons as I am very much a part of he relive, and don’t want it to be that he has control of everything financially for DD.

I’ve been on the CSA calculator and it’s saying I should pay approx £60 a week. So minus £20 weekly for lunch and dance is obviously £40 per week. Does this sound reasonable please? It will be less when I buy clothes etc.

[LolaSmiles]

People are advising that you pay the fair amount given that £60 a week won't cover the full cost of raising a child for the resident parent and to keep with the lunches etc because they're your child and that's the right thing to do and it's frankly ridiculous for a parent to turn around to the resident parent and say "I know they're my child too but the minimum suggested by CSA is £60, but I think I should only give you £40 a week towards the costs of OUR child because I give lunch money"

Just because you may not like the advice being given, doesn't make it criticism.

[Sunshineinwinter]

My dh and I receive the grand sum of 0 for my four dsc who all live with us full time.
This is because their mother is on UC and has the chn one night a week!
If the calculator is saying a sum that is a bare minimum you need to pay! CMS is a joke!

[Coffeshopgirl]

Ok, but why should the resident parent not also pay equally, whether that be in lunch money or heating bills, petrol etc?

[Coffeshopgirl]

Sorry should have added, as I have previously said, I buy her the majority of her clothes so this is also contributing.

[LolaSmiles]

I see this is one of those threads where regardless of what the consensus is, the OP will insist that they're totally right to pay all of £40 a week towards the main living costs of their child. 🙄

OP The resident parent almost always pays more than half. This is the point.
They have the child living with them more. They have higher bills. They'll do the bulk of the caring.

But of course, I'm sure £40 a week is absolutely enough to cover half the costs for a child at a resident parent's house.

[Techway]

You don't need to apply to CMS just use the online calculator. I assume if you are at FDR stage you have submitted full salary details so that is known by both of you.

Upshot is just agree to pay CMS as it really isn't excessive.

Are you sure your daughter will leave with you if you get a place by yourself?

[Techway]

*live

[Sunshineinwinter]

Ok, but why should the resident parent not also pay equally, whether that be in lunch money or heating bills, petrol etc?


I am assuming she gets breakfast and dinners and snacks at home? Rp pays.

I am assuming when the house needs maintenance new curtains paint etc. RP pays.

New toothbrush , tooth paste , shampoo, loo roll. RP pays.

Washing the clothes , running a nightly bath , pay for the cooker to be on? Rp pays

I am sure the RP in your case pays much more than you for these daily/weekly/monthly things!

Get moved and get proper shared care before you start trying to make out you pay just as much as a RP.

[LolaSmiles]

tech
The calculator has suggested £60 a week.
The OP thinks this is unfair because they pay £20 in school lunches so it should only be £40.

[pikapikachu]

School lunches are only 38 weeks of the year.

[Starlight456]

Op . Are you really paying £4 a day for lunch . My Ds gets £2.50 a day and often doesn’t use that ?

[pikapikachu]

As I’ve said, just asking for advice, not criticism.*

People would have been harsher if you were a man proposing this.

Stop paying the school lunches and tell your ex that the £60 can go towards that. I get that £40 plus £20 lunches is the same as £60 but you'd be complying with the responsibilities of a parent paying maintenance if you pay £60 and your ex pays lunches from that.

[m0therofdragons]

Because the main load is on the resident parent. You're refusing to give the cms bare minimum because you want to control what your money is spent on - dance and lunches. An non resident parent, you don't get to dictate that!

[pikapikachu]

Agree that £20pw lunches is steep. Is your dd pocketing the difference? If lunches are unaffordable you might want to do a mixture of school dinners and packed lunches to save money?

[HavelockVetinari]

You need to pay the full £60. You can tell him he needs to pay for lunches as the RP if you like, but £60 is very little - it will probably only pay for a week's food bill for a 14 year old, never mind electricity/gas bills, mobile phone, travel, toiletries, holidays etc.

[Coffeshopgirl]

It’s £15 per week for lunches and £5 for dance.

Pika, I see why you are saying, but both DD’s father and I want for me to be involved in the financing of OUR daughter.

Motherofdragons, why shouldn’t I have a say just because DD doesn’t live with me? She lives with her father due to past circumstance. I am very much involved in her life. Surely that counts as me having a right to equality in saying where money for her goes?

[Coffeshopgirl]

Havelock, I pay for her toiletries, dance exams, clothes, dance costumes, run her about, see her for three tea time meals a week, pay her mobile phone, which I had forgotten about until mentioned in your list.

[LolaSmiles]

Motherofdragons, why shouldn’t I have a say just because DD doesn’t live with me?
You don't get to dictate the costs of the resident parent because you happen to see your child a few times a week!

You're not doing anything above or beyond what a non resident parent should be doing.

If a guy posted this thread saying "yeah but I buy them some clothes and I drive them places on the nights I see them so I shouldn't pay proper maintenance", he'd be rightly having his arse handed to him.

[firelightbright]

I wish people would read a thread properly before jumping down the OP's throat.

Pay the £60 a week as per the cms website and then I would pay dance, toiletries, phone, clothes, pocket money as separate if you can afford it.

School dinners your ex should pay or if he can't afford it then let your daughter take a packed lunch.

[Coffeshopgirl]

Thank you firelightbright.

[Starlight456]

Op. You can argue with everyone here.

You should pay £60.


There is a lot of we in these comments but I am not sure your ex agrees due to your post on here.

Why does it matter if you pay the £60 and he sorts out lunch?

My ex wanted to put maintenance in an account for my ds’s future . I told him he could put money in an account for our D’s future but I would take the maintenance to raise him now. He wanted to say look what I saved for you.

[Coffeshopgirl]

Starlight, I don’t blame you for taking that stance with your ex.

It matters to me because this last year has been tough emotionally. It has taken a lot of rebuilding the relationship with my daughter, so I am sensitive about even the things that probably don’t really matter. Like who pays for school lunches.
Although the reality is DD’s father is not tech savvy at all, lunches are paid online through a website so I just do it so that I know DD will be able to eat!

At court was the first time that maintenance was discussed. I know a lot of parents dodge this. I am not one of these parents. As I’ve said in the title, it’s about being fair.

[LolaSmiles]

firelight
The opening post also talks about payment being further reduced when the OP buys clothes etc.

Aka take the minimum, then take money off for all the basic parenting stuff to reduce my contribution to the resident parent who incurs most of the costs.

[Coffeshopgirl]

Lola, yes it does. And after reading peoples views on here I won’t now be doing this.
I came on here asking if this is fair, the concensus is no it is not.
I wanted peoples opinions, silly me thought I would be treated nicely. You know, as a fellow mum and all that

[LolaSmiles]

I think part of the reasons people are taken back is precisely because everyone knows that CMS suggestion is the minimum and there's threads weekly from single mums struggling on CMS minimum from their exes, or exes who think that because they've paid entirely standard parenting costs that gives them grounds to reduce maintenance to contribute to the resident parent's costs (which are higher).

For that reason, unsurprisingly people aren't overly impressed at any non resident parent quibbling over £15/20 a week and arguing that it's not fair etc. It doesn't matter if that parent is a mother or a father.