50/50 child custody disagreements ... help!

[singlemum32]

Hi,

I was wondering if anyone could offer some advice or knew of anyone who had been through a similar situation.. basically me and my husband separated in September. It was initially a trial but around November it became official. He said then that he wanted 50/50 custody of the kids (6 and 8 years old) and wanted a 3 day overnight split one week, 4 day overnight the next. I disagreed on the basis that it was too disruptive to them with school and also their age, not to mention not having a stable “base”home. We have been arguing ever since and for he last 3 weeks the kids have been seeing him 2 nights overnight one week, plus a evening for tea, and then 4 nights the next week when it’s his weekend. It has proven very messy and on numerous occasions the children have said they want to stay with me (especially after he has had them for the weekend, i get them back on monday after school and then they have to go back to his on the Tuesday) and don’t like the constant moving around.

I referred for mediation, as I wanted to try and sort something that was fair but didn’t involve so many overnight stays, and he seemed keen to attend mediation, however after both of our initial individual meetings he is now saying he doesn’t want to go any further with mediation (and also I dare say he doesn’t want to discuss any finances!). But he won’t discuss whether he’s going to go to court and we have no idea what’s happening with Christmas yet. He is trying to call all the shots re. christmas and asking for christmas eve to be split, and christmas day, and then he has them until the 29th! Has anyone got any advice around this also?

To make things even worse, he is living in the family home (my name wasn’t on the mortgage because when purchasing it I was pregnant and not working, however half the deposit was mine and our previous house was jointly mortgaged), I moved out because the situation was untenable at home. He has now changed the locks and I am living in my parent’s holiday let but only until March and without him willing to discuss any finances, I really am in a bit of a nightmare situation.

I have a solicitor however she was hoping things could be sorted through mediation. I just don’t know what to do next but wondered if anyone had any ideas or advice.

My biggest worry is the children. He is adamant they are fine with the arrangement as it is and therefore in his eyes it is fair, however this isn’t what they’re saying to me and it just doesn’t seem right that they should be moving beds every other night.
Thank you so much for reading, I know it’s long winded x

[KickAssAngel]

It sounds like he's been financially controlling as well as emotionally. Tracking your phone and spying on you is very out of order.

Talk to your solicitor - does she know he did this? Now he's also refusing mediation. You should be able to just move on - to court if necessary.

Also, the house is half yours and he can't block you from it unless he has a non-molestation order.

Mediation and co-operation are the cheapest way to divorce, but if he's being so belligerent it just won't work. You may as well accept that and go straight for solicitor/court. He may back down at that point.

When the children are with him, are you happy that they are safe and cared for? If so, then 50/50 could be best - but you still split all assets etc, he doesn't get to keep the house (and his pension, savings etc) and you just rent somewhere. You need to be able to house the children as well. He should care enough about his children to want them to have a good home with you.

[HappyHedgehog247]

You seem to be letting him have a lot of control here-a routine he has chosen etc. If he's not interested in mediation any more, I'd get a different solicitor and get moving on getting finances sorted. He doesn't get to solely decide the kids routine.

[becotide]

If he receives the child benefit, is in the family home, and is pushing for the children to stay there 50/50, he will be considered the resident parent. Courts like to preserve the status quo. That means he gets to make all the decisions. You get visitation.

You need to pressure your solicitor.

[singlemum32]

Thanks- turns out that the child benefit was in my name (just his bank details), so I have changed this- will it still be the case that he is considered the resident parent?

[ontheball75]

As far as i know it will mean you are the resident parent

[Advicewouldbelovelyta]

The resident parent is the one getting child benefit :)

[Sundrais]

Hi

Sorry about jumping on this thread but it seems relevant to my current situation.

Currently have DC 5 nights out of 14. Being every Tuesday and every other Friday , Saturday and Sunday, overnight. Half of all school holidays.

The system seems to work well, apart from the fact that on my "weekend off" I don't see or hear from DC from dropping at school on Wednesday morning, until I collect at school the following Tuesday evening...so basically a whole week of no contact.

This would Not be so bad if ex wasn't so awkward about setting up phone calls or FaceTime during the 6 days or so that span this time that the DC and I are apart. I have asked the ex about this numerous times (DC have tablets that they could use for skype etc), and I know the DC want this, but they are currently too young to set up their own accounts or have own phones (5 and 7)

The irony is that she has even asked me to stop texting to see how DC are getting on( "if something is wrong I will let you know")yet when they are away with me, at my parents, she texts my folks for updates on a daily basis and even gets them to phone her so she can speak to DC. My parents do this ,of course, as they do the right thing by the children . The good will is a one way street though.The double standards are phenomenal.

I digress. I want to now increase my time with the children to 2 midweek nights and every other weekend , effectively meaning 7 nights out of 14 rather than 5. ....50:50.

I can see no reason why a court would not grant this. It would not mean any disruption to the children, simply an extra night a week of a routine that is already well established. My place, as well as his Mother's place is 'home' to them. It is without doubt in the children's interests. . .The only problem in foresee, is a spiteful ex trying to block it,as it wasn't in "her interests" whilst dressing it up in some way to appear as not in the children's interests.

Any tips welcome. Although , sadly, I feel like I'm going to have to go down the legal route.

[NorthernSpirit]

@Sundrias - you should open your own thread.

A UK judge would award you indirect contact for the 6 days you don’t have your children. In my OH’s case he gets to call his children on a Tue, Wed & Sun between 6 - 6:30pm. The mother was refusing calls so it was judge ordered. My OH only has the children everyother weekend but the mother still insists calling twice a day (despite thinking my OH can go 2 weeks without speaking to the chikdren).

My OH doesn’t rise to her level. Personally I wouldn’t answer the phone - give her a taste of her own medicine. If you can’t come to an agreement between you, go to court. A judge would order that you can speak to your children every 2/3 days and the mum has to make them available for calls.

[Advicewouldbelovelyta]

Sundrias - go to mediation