50/50 child custody disagreements ... help!

[singlemum32]

Hi,

I was wondering if anyone could offer some advice or knew of anyone who had been through a similar situation.. basically me and my husband separated in September. It was initially a trial but around November it became official. He said then that he wanted 50/50 custody of the kids (6 and 8 years old) and wanted a 3 day overnight split one week, 4 day overnight the next. I disagreed on the basis that it was too disruptive to them with school and also their age, not to mention not having a stable “base”home. We have been arguing ever since and for he last 3 weeks the kids have been seeing him 2 nights overnight one week, plus a evening for tea, and then 4 nights the next week when it’s his weekend. It has proven very messy and on numerous occasions the children have said they want to stay with me (especially after he has had them for the weekend, i get them back on monday after school and then they have to go back to his on the Tuesday) and don’t like the constant moving around.

I referred for mediation, as I wanted to try and sort something that was fair but didn’t involve so many overnight stays, and he seemed keen to attend mediation, however after both of our initial individual meetings he is now saying he doesn’t want to go any further with mediation (and also I dare say he doesn’t want to discuss any finances!). But he won’t discuss whether he’s going to go to court and we have no idea what’s happening with Christmas yet. He is trying to call all the shots re. christmas and asking for christmas eve to be split, and christmas day, and then he has them until the 29th! Has anyone got any advice around this also?

To make things even worse, he is living in the family home (my name wasn’t on the mortgage because when purchasing it I was pregnant and not working, however half the deposit was mine and our previous house was jointly mortgaged), I moved out because the situation was untenable at home. He has now changed the locks and I am living in my parent’s holiday let but only until March and without him willing to discuss any finances, I really am in a bit of a nightmare situation.

I have a solicitor however she was hoping things could be sorted through mediation. I just don’t know what to do next but wondered if anyone had any ideas or advice.

My biggest worry is the children. He is adamant they are fine with the arrangement as it is and therefore in his eyes it is fair, however this isn’t what they’re saying to me and it just doesn’t seem right that they should be moving beds every other night.
Thank you so much for reading, I know it’s long winded x

[Advicewouldbelovelyta]

Sundrias - go to mediation

[NorthernSpirit]

@Sundrias - you should open your own thread.

A UK judge would award you indirect contact for the 6 days you don’t have your children. In my OH’s case he gets to call his children on a Tue, Wed & Sun between 6 - 6:30pm. The mother was refusing calls so it was judge ordered. My OH only has the children everyother weekend but the mother still insists calling twice a day (despite thinking my OH can go 2 weeks without speaking to the chikdren).

My OH doesn’t rise to her level. Personally I wouldn’t answer the phone - give her a taste of her own medicine. If you can’t come to an agreement between you, go to court. A judge would order that you can speak to your children every 2/3 days and the mum has to make them available for calls.

[Sundrais]

Hi

Sorry about jumping on this thread but it seems relevant to my current situation.

Currently have DC 5 nights out of 14. Being every Tuesday and every other Friday , Saturday and Sunday, overnight. Half of all school holidays.

The system seems to work well, apart from the fact that on my "weekend off" I don't see or hear from DC from dropping at school on Wednesday morning, until I collect at school the following Tuesday evening...so basically a whole week of no contact.

This would Not be so bad if ex wasn't so awkward about setting up phone calls or FaceTime during the 6 days or so that span this time that the DC and I are apart. I have asked the ex about this numerous times (DC have tablets that they could use for skype etc), and I know the DC want this, but they are currently too young to set up their own accounts or have own phones (5 and 7)

The irony is that she has even asked me to stop texting to see how DC are getting on( "if something is wrong I will let you know")yet when they are away with me, at my parents, she texts my folks for updates on a daily basis and even gets them to phone her so she can speak to DC. My parents do this ,of course, as they do the right thing by the children . The good will is a one way street though.The double standards are phenomenal.

I digress. I want to now increase my time with the children to 2 midweek nights and every other weekend , effectively meaning 7 nights out of 14 rather than 5. ....50:50.

I can see no reason why a court would not grant this. It would not mean any disruption to the children, simply an extra night a week of a routine that is already well established. My place, as well as his Mother's place is 'home' to them. It is without doubt in the children's interests. . .The only problem in foresee, is a spiteful ex trying to block it,as it wasn't in "her interests" whilst dressing it up in some way to appear as not in the children's interests.

Any tips welcome. Although , sadly, I feel like I'm going to have to go down the legal route.

[Advicewouldbelovelyta]

The resident parent is the one getting child benefit :)

[ontheball75]

As far as i know it will mean you are the resident parent

[singlemum32]

Thanks- turns out that the child benefit was in my name (just his bank details), so I have changed this- will it still be the case that he is considered the resident parent?

[becotide]

If he receives the child benefit, is in the family home, and is pushing for the children to stay there 50/50, he will be considered the resident parent. Courts like to preserve the status quo. That means he gets to make all the decisions. You get visitation.

You need to pressure your solicitor.

[HappyHedgehog247]

You seem to be letting him have a lot of control here-a routine he has chosen etc. If he's not interested in mediation any more, I'd get a different solicitor and get moving on getting finances sorted. He doesn't get to solely decide the kids routine.

[KickAssAngel]

It sounds like he's been financially controlling as well as emotionally. Tracking your phone and spying on you is very out of order.

Talk to your solicitor - does she know he did this? Now he's also refusing mediation. You should be able to just move on - to court if necessary.

Also, the house is half yours and he can't block you from it unless he has a non-molestation order.

Mediation and co-operation are the cheapest way to divorce, but if he's being so belligerent it just won't work. You may as well accept that and go straight for solicitor/court. He may back down at that point.

When the children are with him, are you happy that they are safe and cared for? If so, then 50/50 could be best - but you still split all assets etc, he doesn't get to keep the house (and his pension, savings etc) and you just rent somewhere. You need to be able to house the children as well. He should care enough about his children to want them to have a good home with you.

[Advicewouldbelovelyta]

As ontheball also mentioned, housing benefit which includes a child only goes to the parent that claims child benefit. The other parent will only qualify for 1 room for themself. Where I live you'd qualify for a room in shared accommodation depending on your age.

[ontheball75]

I have a 50/50 arrangement with my ex, it works well for the kids and they are happy with the situation, they have two homes and have there own clothes and toys at each house. The only things that move between homes is school stuff.

It's tough getting used to only being with them 50% of the time but the children get the best of both worlds this way as they get to continue to have a good relationship with both parents.

There are a few different ways of splitting the weeks, have a look at 5522 and 4433 schedules. 5522 is great as the children see you each week and get a full weekend with you.

It's not nice if children are swapping between homes everyday, best really if it's blocks of time each week. But it comes down to what works well for the parents.

Is the child benefit in your name or his for the children? If it's his i would ring them and get that changed as it may hinder you claiming housing benefit for a suitable size home when you move out of your parents holiday let.

[beingsunny]

We split in September 2.5 years ago when our son was just turned 3.
We have an almost 50/50 split which works really really well for all of us.

I have him from 5pm Saturday thru to daycare drop off on Wednesday morning. His dad picks him up Wednesday night and has him until 5pm Saturday.

It's been like this since the split and our son has adjusted really well, I consider myself the primary carer but he has two homes two bedrooms two sets of clothes, toys etc so there isn't really any 'moving' I just pack bits he might need in his backpack on Wednesday mornings, we live round the corner so easy to pick up things forgotten although try to avoid it as it can be unsettling as I'm the favourite parent at the moment.

[NorthernSpirit]

Finances and child contact are completely separate so you need to separate them.

Regarding contact - why shouldn’t the dad have them 50/50? Don’t punish the dad. I’m sure he loves them and misses them as much as you. You need to find a solution that works for you all.

Regarding finances - if you can sort it out between you it will be cheaper than going to court and lining the pockets of solicitors (my OH spent £15k on sorting his finances out. Money he wanted to spend on the children but the EW wouldn’t agree). As a wife you will be entitled to a share of the house, and all of each other’s assets (pensions, car value, any assets over £3k). The starting point is a 50:50 split. You will need a judge to agree a ‘consent’ order.

As it’s the FMH (former marital home). You are both entitled enter.

[southbailey]

I totally get this. My kids are a bit older - 14 and 9, but we have only just settled on a compromise after 18 months separated.
They do a long weekend one week (fri til tues am), then 2 consecutive nights the other week.
From our pov - noone got exactly what they wanted. He wanted 50/50, I didn't. But he is their father, loves them and they need to have a life with him too.
MIne swing between being ok going and whinging a bit (the younger one - the older would prefer to be with me most of the time but for now, I feel it is important to keep their relationship with her dad going, plus to be with their sibling).

I thought i would hate being part time mum. Sometimes I find it a bit weepy making but i have come to adore my time to myself.

[singlemum32]

It's horrible, I hate being a part time mother, feel so redundant. Even when I'm doing things with friends etc, I feel guilty and then I see all my friends doing things as a family- horrendous. Considered going back to him just for the kids, until they're older.. but I think so much has happened now.. and whether I would massively regret this!

[Blackteadrinker77]

Like you said it has only been their "Routine" for 4 weeks, give them and yourself time to get used it.

It is so hard, you go from being a full time parent to being a 50/50 one and emotionally it is wrenching.

[singlemum32]

pinkhorse, basically because the kids were in after school on a Tuesday and Wednesday and he always has picked them up from that, so it followed that he had them overnight on a those days.. it just gets messy when he's had them all weekend and then they come back to me for a Monday night and then back to his again..

[Advicewouldbelovelyta]

Just a heads up, if you're hoping to get help finding a place to live you're likely to only qualify for a studio or a 1 bedroom at the most

[pinkhorse]

I do 50/50 with my ex but we didn't go through court.

Why do you alternate most nights where the kids are? I have my ds on a Wednesday and Thursday ( and then Friday Saturday and Sunday if it's my weekend). Surely it's better to do it in blocks rather than changing it every day?

[Blackteadrinker77]

There doesn't seem to be a good reason here to stop 50/50 custody.

The children will get used to it.

[squaresandsquares]

I'm sorry I don't know about solicitors etc. I hope it gets sorted for you and especially for the kids to be happy.

[singlemum32]

Does anyone know anyone who has been through a similar situation re. child custody, is the court likely to grant 50/50? Its so hard. He is definitely wanting to rinse me, that much is evident- I know what he's like and he's so focused on money. He was receiving the child benefit (I have changed the bank account details recently), turns out he had lied about the amount we received for the last 6 years!

[Jaxhog]

If you can't agree amicably, you either need to finish mediation or to have a court decide. Give him the choice.

In the meantime, how about having the kids alternate weeks?

[Advicewouldbelovelyta]

You don't need a new solicitor. Legally you have to go to mediation before you can go to court unless there is extenuating circumstances

[expatinscotland]

Because she's still banging on about mediation when he's no longer willing to engage with it. And you should have been informed that you still have a stake in the house. She doesn't sound very proactive. My guess is that he's doing this to avoid paying maintenance. He's going to rinse you.