Silly question - is child maintenance the only thing available?

[sandcastlesunshine]

Single parent to 2DC. Eldest going to High School this year. Uniform etc will cost £300 and bus fares etc will add about £60 to every month. (Plus new uniform for younger DC at about £150?).

Exh pays CM £20 a week. He doesn't buy any clothes, belongings, school dinners - well anything. He says he gives me enough money and I'm not getting a penny more. That £20 doesn't actually even pay for their school dinners.

Is it silly of me to think there is something out there that will enable me to ask that he contributes more to their lives?

[sorryho0p]

Err. Wouldn't engage with Bella if I were you. What an absolute fool

Makes my blood boil, these men (and it's always men) shirking their responsibilities. Twenty quid a week is derisory.

I don't have the answers though. Just ensure you have as little contact as possible with him personally and do not ever do a single dropping off type journey for him.

[sandcastlesunshine]

He actually started that crap. Refusing to bring them home because he "gives me enough money, why should he do all the running around too?"

Until he realised I wasn't going to collect them and he had no uniforms.

[sorryho0p]

They're all the same Sand, all the same. I know only too well

It's better for your blood pressure to disconnect as much as you can from him. No irrelevant chats, no contact unless you must. It gives you some control of your life. You can't control the money he gives but you can control having to engage with him

I long for the day that it becomes a criminal offence to not pay properly for the children you choose to have. Women don't have this luxury

[BellaRed1]

That is too simplistic a question and rather contradictory as how can you agree a system is shit and unfair that £20 from a person on a LOW income isn’t enough?

Added to the child benefit working tax credits child tax credits it does increase the overall amount coming in for the child.

IF the NRP was earning £60k and only paying £20 per week then yes that’s far too low.

Gotta look at it in the round not in isolation.

[Violetcharlotte]

Bella the issue is the fact that in many occasions, these men have the potential to earn more, they jut choose not to (or they do earn more and don't declare it).

For women like me and the OP this means we have to work out arses off to support our kids while they get away with paying the bare minimum. It totally sucks.

[sandcastlesunshine]

I don't get tax credits. He has the potential to earn way more and is choosing not to. He spends more a day on his own gadgets than he does a week on his children.

When you look at Violet, I can say the system is unfair. In my case, it's unfair against me.

[MandateMandy]

Added to the child benefit working tax credits child tax credits it does increase the overall amount coming in for the child.

Bella As a tax payer I am happy to contribute to a society that ensures children do not go hungry and cold. I am not happy that I have to do this because people like OP's ex have decided that they don't want to work full time to contribute to the upbringing of their own children. Op has clearly stated that there is no reason that her ex can not work full time. If you think that this is acceptable then there is something wrong with your morals.

[Bombardier25966]

@Bella, do you think it acceptable that sandcastle's ex deliberately minimises his income to avoid paying more?

We're not talking about someone that has no option but to be on a low income, this is someone who chooses it as a lifestyle choice.

[Bombardier25966]

Gotta look at it in the round not in isolation.

Gotta actually read what the OP has posted? She does not receive WTC or CTC.

[BellaRed1]

Call me a fool if you want it doesn’t bother me one iota. Sticks and stones and all that.

I state my point without resorting to insults of any kind.

Fairness is not something to ridicule it is something that should always be strived for.

[sorryho0p]

Your first post on this thread shows you to be a fool. Or a man. Maybe both

[BellaRed1]

avodance and evasion are separate issues to genuine low incomes

As I said the part timer will be forced to either earn minimum wage for part time hours or work full time for minimum wage. Then they will be pushed to earn more. So steps are being taken there.

Steps are also being taken for those who don’t declare their full incomes. The last child maintenance committee has recommended some steps that should be taken. Remain a rob be seen what the government decides to do.

All these step will eventually lead to higher maintenance payments for you all.

[MandateMandy]

And yet Bella you think that it is fair for the man who fathered these children to contribute £80 per month to buy food, clothes, pay rent, bills, toiletries etc for them. Is it "fair" for him to only spend four days/nights a month providing childcare for HIS children thus reducing the earning capacity of their mother, not to mention any time that she may have to herself.

Can you explain to me how any of this is about fairness? Particularly, how it is fair to the children that he created and then effectively washed his hands of.

[SparklyMagpie]

Bella so how much maintenance are you getting?

[BellaRed1]

So if someone’s only earns min wage of around £14k (no benefits at this level for an NRP) has tax and Nat ins to pay as well as rent on a place that she suitable for both your kids to stay in occasionally Electric, gas, council tax , water rates, transport to work, insurance , food toiletries, tv licence, mobile phone, clothes plus spend on the kids when they stay over plus maintennace what do you think he should pay?

Isn’t he allowed to have some cash to take the kids out for the day, to buy them toys, feed them well? Is he to have no social life.

Rent and maintenace alone could be more than half of their take home pay.


When I say you I don’t mean anyone personally I mean in general.


As he earns more he pays more.

[sorryho0p]

Oh piss off bella. Stop excusing behaviour where there is actually no excusing

I'll ask again - are you a man? Or possibly a man pleaser. It'll be one of the two

[itsbetterthanabox]

Bellared
The op does not claim benefits...

A RP often has to work less and therefore claim benefits because they have children that they have to care for.
A NRP doesn't have to work less as they are not looking after the children. So yes they should pay. The NRP not taking care of the kids means the RP has a reduced earning capacity. Obviously they need to be paying to make up for that.
How is that not obvious?

[nixnjj]

Back to the original question. I've been in the same boat as many parents both singles, couples working and on benefits. Speak to the school and see if they have a second hand shop. My son had second hand and it went back to the second hand shop as he outgrow it. Some areas have charitable outlet that offer a voucher towards some of the costs, again school should be able to help.

I read recently about nurses using food banks and homeless teachers. Think will only improve when we stop fighting each other and start fighting together

[WhiskyIrnBru]

Bellaend

[Violetcharlotte]

Bella if someone earns £14k a year, they work full time and this is genuinely the best they can do, then yes, £20 a week is fair.

However the OP is talking about a situation where her ex has a degree and clearly has the potential to earn a lot more but refuses to.

My own situation - ex is a self employed builder. I know for a fact he earns around £600 a week when he's earning, but claims he's not working. CSA (as they were known the last time I tried to get any money out of him) said there was nothing they could do as he claimed to not be working (I offered to send photos of him in his work van!)

The system is shit.

[sandcastlesunshine]

To summarise previous posts, he does not take them on days out, he does not buy them toys or clothes, he feeds them £1 pizzas and cheese on toast, he does not send dinner money, they do not have nice bedrooms.

He owns 3 laptops, at least 2 gaming machines, an iPad, a Dyson fan heater, an iwatch, the newest phone, hundreds of games, travels everywhere by taxi, goes out with his mates all the time.

He is a graduate and is choosing to work part time for minimum wage.

The uniform is new to the school, as well as to DD, so no chance of saving money. He's never paid before so I just thought for a one off he would agree to assist. It will cost £300, plus new things for DS too. I originally only asked for any law that people may know of arranging such payments, clearly there is not.

I'm public sector and will be using my overdraft to pay for the uniform.

Surely this is proof that the system is unfair towards RP.

[LowGravity]

The reason the system is unfair is because RP's are overwhelmingly women and we live in a misogynistic patriarchal society.

Steps are also being taken for those who don’t declare their full incomes What steps would those be? Because my tax avoiding/maintenance avoiding ex has got away with this for years and the CMS has refused to verify his income with HMRC, just taking his word for it, Except I'm taking it to tribunal so we'll see. And who'll be providing for the children meanwhile? Oh that would be their mother, again.

[Theresnonamesleft]

So am I understanding this correctly?
I pay over half my income on rent and council tax. Then bills on top. But I should shirk my responsibilities to my children so I can have some leisure time?
I'm sure if I did that ss would have a great deal to say.

It's crap that these 'men' shirk their responsibilities or pay the absolute minimum.

[Violetcharlotte]

Lowgravity id love to know what these steps are too!!

I actually think the CMS should be made to pay the RP for money they fail to collect from the NRP. I bet then they might get their act together and actually start making them pay.

[BellaRed1]

you’re not getting it or don’t want to get it and that’s fine each to our own.

I get it.

I am not a man not am I a man pleaser lol I’ve been a single parent for many years although my kids are now grown. I have never received maintenance , my ex went in to have 3 more children. It’s actually all pretty civil. I’ve never asked him for money for anything. I bought my council house years ago when ( mortgages were easy to get ) whilst working part time, I then went full time and I have moved twice since then and have now paid off my mortgage which helps as I still earn an amount that would give me tax credits if my kids were younger. I earn below £20k but above minimum wage. I’m also single . Marriage put me off for life haha! My problem is that I’m fiercely independent so no one gets a look in.

I’ve struggled at times in the past even had some debt but I ploughed on and now things are ok as the mortgage has been paid. Was in rental property when married.

Of course some of you are in the same situation with rent and bills etc but a single parent on £14k you would get benefits. A NRP on £14k gets nothing.

Housing costs are a b*tch for all.

The Jospeh Riwntree foundation says just about everyone on low incomes are struggling inclusing single childless men. It is also likely to get worse before it gets better according to them as the govt continues it’s austerity path.

I think what most of us can agree with is that the whole thing is a mess, here’s hoping it gets sorted out one way or the other some time in the future.