It's not about you it's what's best for the children...

[Disappointednomore]

So this is a bit of a vent. I've read this statement and heard it said so often and just sometimes it gets my bloody goat. The subtext appears to be that the NRP can be a complete dick, mess you and the kids around, not see them for months on end whilst you do everything then want to see them when it's really inconvenient to you and you have to put yourself out even more. I've also read that "contact is not childcare" well it bloody well should be! I want the absolute absolute best for my DD including a good relationship with her father and I am working myself to death to that end. I'm just sick of reading these cat's bum judgey phrases that imply that just because your other half turned out to be a nob and ran off to have a life without you that now you're not entitled EVER to put yourself first because "it's what's best for the children " that counts.

[danTDM]

Totally, utterly agree and some.

All I do is put my DD first, to a fault. I basically don't have a life, but still I am told I must put DD first, by people I hardly know, as if I don't.

I am such a private person I won't tell anyone anything and think it is a way of people getting info

[Iusedtobeone]

I spent 10 years accommodating my ds's "father" - he left when I was pregnant (you can either have me or the baby scenario). Best thing I did was tell him to F off about 4 years ago. Never heard a peep from him since. Too busy with his other 4 kids (he has 5 from 3 mothers in all - but other 4 live in close proximity to him whereas we do not).
I used to pay for his travel and let him stay with us, I used to pay for mine and ds's travel to stay with him etc etc etc just so ds would have a father - spent thousands (involves flights that were unfortunately not cheap) Never a penny in child support. He has had ds for one overnight in his entire life and then ended in complete shambles and it was clear he could never put ds first.

So best thing for my kid is not to facilitate him any further. He isn't bothered as he has never tried to contact us since.

[NooNooMummy]

I've spent months twisting and turning, rearranged plans at short notice, changed my daughter's nursery days almost every week, remained smiley and pleasant whilst on the receiving end of his vileness at hand overs, accepted with good grace his last minute cancellations for the slightest reason and just got on with looking after our daughter all by myself and earning enough money to look after us too. And now that I've chosen not to do that anymore, I'm the baddy. I've made it clear that he can see and speak to our daughter any time but, apparently, that's unhelpful of me. Too demanding to expect that he might have of every other weekend. So I'm the baddy.. I'll take that. At last we're stable and happier now without his nonsense.

[MrsOtisRegrets]

My DD is different now 18yrs in love with a bf 23yrs Parisian. I've handled all teenage tantrums well previously put this time I am running out of advise on getting her to be more responsible.

I am quite scared actually to get 'in the way of love' but I am shaking her up here and there and esp. in terms of the intimacy part I feel my advice is completely useless (she is more at risk for being a girl, uni studies may suffer plus std's etc).

I did said to her I do not mind this guy coming to UK to to see her (since they met here at the festival anyway)! Bf will do this bit if he really loves her; and he did but now she somehow feels she has to constantly go now x3 since Dec) - my concern is she is in 1st yr Uni but travelling to EU often now - something we can't really afford. It is difficult for me e.g to see her waste the money she could use on learning to drive.

I've shown my disagreement esp about the *travel and I took her passport away yesterday for which she begged and cried so much: I gave pp back today but I told her I 'may' call home office so she shouldn't travel. I've offered to pay all her losses this time only but said thickly that her travelling away to see a boyfriend is out of discussion, AIBU?

*She has already arranged to travel again and seriously I can't think of a way to handle this rather than cancelling her passport but I am not sure to go with it.

Is there any advice you can give me or AIBU or how can I handle this? Please help!! I know 18yrs have rights as adult but tbh I feel my DD isn't being sensible this time, sadly she have more at stake to loose than her bf.

[MrsOtisRegrets]

Ooopsy so sorry, meant to start a new thread.

[kazfoxx]

MrsOtisRegrets
No real advice, I'm afraid. I think you might have to let your DD'S make those mistakes. I have regrets at that age but I don't think my mum could have done anything to intervene and it might have adversely affected our relationship.

My dad didn't bother much with me and I did not like my stepmother bad mouthing my mum at all. Small comfort, but I could make my own judgement by 12.

My ex has tried to change plans in the past and I've said no if the notice is too short, but you can't do anything if they don't ask, just tell you.

I want DD to have a good relationship with her father, she's a daddy's girl so it would really affect her if she didn't see him regularly. Sounds like I'm quite "lucky" bcs her dad has her from the night before his day off and his day off. Didn't go to her nativity as arranged and only told me bcs I asked the day before so I had to tell DD. I felt like crying when she was searching the crowd for me and my mum during her nativity. That made me really cross, I don't want her to be hurt

[LinghamStyle]

Oh can I join? The constant double standards does my head right in. Ok Dickhead Dad, it's ok if you don't bother to phone at the agreed time, it's ok if you don't turn up for contact or cancel at the last minute, it's ok that you continually break every promise you make to DC, and it's certainly ok that you have never provided one penny of financial support in the 8 years since we split.

Obviously it's NOT ok if the one time you actually bother to call at the agreed time we are 5 minutes late answering the phone because I finished work, had to run to childcare to collect DC in the pissing rain because I didn't have bus fare, then finally got home to 9 abusive text messages sent in the space of 5 fucking minutes!

Oh that felt good

[LinghamStyle]

The Christmas Day thing is easily dealt with here, whenever he brings it up I say ok, no problem, I will send you their Santa wish lists so you can be prepared and start buying. Funnily enough he always changes his mind

[kazfoxx]

Here, DD spends the night Xmas Eve and is collected by her father in the afternoon. Bit of a weird situation as his sister came over here in the morning and afternoon and his mum had Xmas lunch here. Never been queried, had a hard time getting a response about what was happening on Xmas Day 2 years ago so I made plans regardless last year. Don't know what it'll be like this year as DD said he told her he was going to marry his gf (that he still hasn't told me he's seeing, doubt he will) so I don't know if she'll want to have a "family" Xmas.
This feels so therapeutic!

[FayeandMe]

I had a wonderful relationship (and so did the children) with their dad until the SM came along. Now the whole ball game is designed around her insecurity.

He actually had to drive past me at the bus stop the other day when he was on the way to my house because she would kick off if I was in the car with him. And I had the DC with me . But...it's for the DCs best if I bite my tongue!

[SoulSista85]

I was told this by the courts - well fucking done law, my children now are going through it worse then ever before because their part-time Dad (if I can even call him that) is a narcissistic abuser who uses our dd's and their emotions and general well being as part of some sick game to regain control over me. I was told this a few times: by cafcass, by his poisonous family members, mine and basically everyone who thinks they know everything about what's best for the children.
Barf!

[UnbornMortificado]

Some men don't deserve the title Dad.

I've been a lone parent, it's shit. Even if you try and put your DC's first it still gets twisted and judged.

Completely agree over the Christmas one, ex-p had DD2 24 days out of 364 he wasn't getting the special days when I had done nearly all the parenting.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

I understand what you mean.

They have the bar set so low to be considered to be dedicated parents.

It often makes me wonder when I read some of the LTB relationship threads because in a few months the op could be along posting exactly the same things yet because they are not under the same roof all of a sudden she becomes the issue she's the problem and she's just trying to make things difficult for the poor wonderful dad.

[SuperSheepdog]

I agree completely. Also exp is seen as a wonderful father for turning up a few times a week for a short time (he's working locally, normally he sees his kids just one day...) meanwhile I'm the mother who failed to keep her family together so now I'm responsible for 95% of looking after the kids.

[Graphista]

I've posted on at least 2 threads recently where the nrps are actively causing harm to the children by their action/inaction when they have the children.

My dd is now 16 and when the subjects come up eg with her friends or due to a storyline on tv, she now herself says to me 'YOU'RE the one who's made sure I have a home, food, clothes, education, looked after me when I was sick, cuddled me when I cried, mopped up the sick, blood - he's done bugger all!' No I've never slagged him off but I reached a point several years ago where I stopped covering and lying for him!

" it's usually said in such a condescending way and always by someone who is not a lone parent"

AbsoBLOODYlutely! Sometimes not even a parent!

Very few nrp's change THEIR plans to suit the child or rp, or have them when they're sick (often returning them to rp if they take sick while at theirs)

"They both went pale - and there's been no more talk of me being a lousy mother for working :-D!"

I've had the other one (I'm disabled on benefits) I'm a lazy scrounging crazy bitch apparently - said in front of dd!

"The insecurities of the OW dictate so much of what they do and react. Then if they stay together you are expected to recognise it was for the best and what a wonderful SM they are to your DCs - forgetting the shit they and their DF reaped" while I know that's some peoples experience (a lot in fact) I was relatively lucky (aside from the cheating aspect) 2nd wife is fine with us - all the shit comes purely from him!

When we first split he was in next street - still late/no show for arranged contact.

Over the past over 13 years it's been erratic contact with me organising dates and transport (and paying more than half!) until about 5 years ago when he stopped bothering altogether, since then he's phoned less than 6 times very briefly. He's never paid maintenance regularly currently 4 months since I've had anything. Dd got nothing for her most recent birthday and Christmas just a card out a box.

But I know he's told people in the 'crazy ex that's stopping me seeing my kid boo hoo'

[Graphista]

Isn't there a special section for surveys? Also nothing to do with thread

[tribpot]

@gnome493 you're spamming the boards. I suggest you stop it. (Reported).

[loulou1626]

I completely agree with you on this. I work in a school and the amount of children I know that are so wounded by being subjected to the actions of a 'father' who only makes time for them once a month and leaves the mother to repeatedly pick up the pieces, it's so damaging and I will argue with anyone that a child does not benefit from that whatsoever. Obviously I don't want to generalise as it isn't always like this but nine times out of ten, it's usually the mothers providing all the care and doing all the work.

I'm fortunate in the sense that my son's father has never bothered with him so I don't have to deal with what would no doubt be some very common douchebag actions and we can live a peaceful and happy life together, but that still doesn't stop people, admittedly people I don't give a stuff about, trying to make out that somehow it's all on me, as if I wanted my son to have anything but a mum and a dad. During my pregnancy I had a colleague tell me that it was up to ME to make sure that ex felt 'welcome enough' to get in contact, that any father was better than no father, that it was down to me to 'make sure' he was involved and it 'wasn't about me' - erm, screw you lady, it is about me because I'm the one who is raising my son and if some asshole is screwing around and making my life a nightmare, what good am I to my son, what life am I able to provide him in that set of circumstances? And, oh by the way, he dad doesn't give a shit so why the hell would I force him to get involved when it would just cause damage to my son? Again, as mentioned by previous posters, this came from someone who isn't a lone parent though the fact that she witnessed the same things that I do on a daily basis and still comes to these conclusions disturbs me greatly. Ugh, some people make me sick!

Massive credit to all of you ladies having to deal with such fools in your lives, I am in awe of all of you because quite honestly, I don't know how I'd manage in your shoes. You're all amazing

[spaceyface89]

Absolutely livid with ex. His sister hadn't seen DS for two months and text to ask if we wanted to drop over for coffee. She's been really sweet since ex walked out and keen to keep communication open for the sake of DS. Ex found out about this and forbade his sister to see us, saying she needs to change her behaviour etc. I queried this with him and he said, 'so what, I'm just meant to ignore my upset'. I said yes exactly. There was an opportunity for DS to have contact with his aunt, for relationships to be maintained, all of which will mean DS's life is easier as he grows up. I'm so furious at this narcissistic behaviour, prioritising his own ego over the welfare of DS.

[Angrybird123]

Oh i have that too. Ex hates the fact that i am on good terms with his family - tried everything he can to prevent us speaking directly.but just makes him looks like a paranoid twat. His parents are the kids far more than they would of it was just left to him.

[EightiethElement]

Yanbu
i have made too many sacrifices. Financial emotional practical. It's a challenge not to feel resentful or martyred but I manage not to. That wouldnt be good for the children etc!

[Angrybird123]

Well sorry but i bloody do feel resentful. Day started at 6 stripping ds's wet bed then getting them both sorted for school and me for work. V full on day then pick them up with accompanying dramas about the whereabouts of PE kit etc. Then shop with dd wanting to browse and spend her pocket money and ds hopping about cos he wants the toilet (he's 8 not a toddler, should have gone at school ). So dd pissed off,ds moaning, shop abandoned So a couple of bits I want not bought. Home, immediate row over tv, delegation of basic chores SO unfair apparently. Washing on,dinner on,row sorted, coat off,washing up, fix dd's craft project.... later there's making bed, bedtime, then my work that needs doing. Every day. Meanwhile ex is cosied up with OW bleating to anyone who listens how it's so hard for him (doing the same job as me minus the kids) with a partner in the house who does fuck all paid work so I assume everything at home. So yes I do bloody fucking well resent it - bit I can't say that because I then get accused of resenting the kids which isn't it at all. None of it is their fault. Fgrrrr...and breathe. Sorry. Feel better now!

[Karmaisabitch]

Ah, I'm glad I found this thread as I presume in around 5-6 weeks I will start having this very same issue!

I imagine if he takes me to court for access, il be viewed as an obstructive mother because HIS plans don't match mine! Even though it simply would be because I'd have established a routine and he would just want to come in and fuck it all up because he's a prick.

Hands together & pray I'm lucky! That he's decided to be a silent paying parent.

[pieceofpurplesky]

Same here. Ex doesn't have DS to stay unless I 'book' in advance. I asked for 2 July and he had to look in to it check with ow. He sees him every Saturday from 10-5 unless he has football (once or twice a month) when he returns him at 12.

He slags me off to everyone - I don't let him see DS and I have poisoned DS against him as DS doesn't always want to go. DS also refuses to go to any events with ex as two of exes friends slagged me off in front of him. Exh does not believe DS and thinks I made it up. I wasn't even there!