Managing Yearning to Return to the UK-how?

[middler]

Just wondering how people manage the yearning to move back to the UK?

I don't know if it is my age ( early 50s) or life stage( kids tween and teen) but having had 15 years in the US recently I have been having this yearning to return home. My dad is quite elderly so not even sure how long he will be in the picture but I just miss the familiarity of my home country.

We have a good life where we live, well paid jobs, kids in good schools but as time goes on I feel increasingly isolated somehow. Yes we have friends but we spend most time as a family unit and I suppose I imagine that in the UK I would see family members and so enjoy that connection.

How do people handle these bouts of yearning to return to the UK when they hit?

[GatesOfBabylon]

Imagine being stuck in Luton?

I had relatives that emigrated to Oz got home-sick after a few years came back and quickly realised their big mistake and were back in OZ before the year was out. This was 30 years ago, I expect it would be even more likely a shock coming back to the UK now given the housing situation.

[PartyRingFan]

There's a FB group called Expats Returning to the UK, check it out.

[middler]

Thanks Party Ring I am in that group and longingly read the posts of people who get to return. I think I just miss the people and feel like family cannot be replaced and none of our family are here in the US. Gates yes Luton is a but grim, my hometown is lovely but i have not lived there for a long time and cannot imagine finding well paid work there. Would hate to return to London, I know that much.

[starrynight21]

But it isn't just you - you say that the kids are teens and tween so presumably they have lived in the US for most of their lives. They don't have that connection to the UK as you do, they don't think of it as "home".

Personally I'd be taking some trips home to see everyone - the US isn't so far away from the UK. You've got good jobs - maybe budget for a trip home every six months and see how you go.

[middler]

starrynight yes that is the real obstacle. I fear we are stuck here because uprooting the kids, what if they hated it over there, I would just feel so terrible. At the same time if we see them to adulthood here, then it is unlikely we will ever get back there and that thought makes me sad.

[ichundich]

Maybe just come over for a bit to see how rundown it is now - roads full of potholes, weeds growing out of cracked footpaths, no GP appointments and long NHS waiting lists, underfunded state schools, classism, corrupt politicians, ... But I know what you mean; home is home. If you really want to come back do it before you're too old.

[knitnerd90]

It's very hard at this age because the switch in school age for teenagers is difficult, I'd say impossible once they're 14 and English kids have started their GCSE courses. If they were younger I might advise differently but this is a difficult age for a move.

I'd try going home for a visit and see if that tamps down the urge.

[BigGreen]

Gosh I'd have thought rewarding the UK news would have convinced you! Things are on a huge downward slide here with no end in sight tbh. I wouldn't move, in fact if it weren't for DH would have moved several years ago.

[middler]

Thanks everyone for the reality check, yes I think I may have rose tinted glasses on and think that life would be better being closer to family but my husband reminds me we live in a really safe area, no stressful commutes, good schools, well-paid jobs. He thinks that this middle-aged life stage is just a bit rinse and repeat wherever you live and it would not be so different being in the UK, but we would be paid a lot less as of course jobs here in the US pay a lot better. When I want a doctor's appointment I just get one on the phone and then ask for a specialist and that comes through within two weeks and of course I know it is not like that in the UK, things I take for granted over here. I just miss being in my home country more as the years go by, but it is 15 years since I have lived in the UK. When I visit I am in holiday mode so it all seems lovely to be honest.

[PartyRingFan]

In fairness though most of the people who trash talk the UK and like yo remind you you're living in fantasy land re returning are people who actually live in the UK and haven't taken the plunge re living abroad, so don't really have a point of comparison (they usually have good reasons for "not being able to" move, like family, kids, jobs, but these are all reasons people who actually did move also had...).

It's easy to talk about what a shit hole the UK is and how much you would love to get the hell out without actually getting the hell out.

I've moved back from an "idyllic" EU country, and guess what? The locals in that country bitched about the collapse of public services and what a shit hole their country is too...

[Ozgirl75]

So we’ve had that yearning for a while so we decided to take the plunge and come back for a year.
well, some bits are lovely, but by and large it’s made us realise why we left in the first place and what a great life we have overseas.
Lots of little bits that I’d just forgotten about - even things like how when you eat out it’s always a little worse and a little more expensive that you expect, the busyness of everywhere, the expense of everything, just little day to day things really.
Loads I love about the U.K. but we have come to the conclusion that it’s a great place to come on holiday but our normal life in Aus is better day to day. Partly because we bought a house 11 years ago to be fair but mainly because it just feels easier to do everything.
When we think about the life and future we would like to hand our kids as well it feels like Australia pips the U.K. nowadays.

[middler]

Ozgirl, wow that is great you took the plunge and came back for a year to try it out. I was watching an episode of Black Mirror and the weather was all wet and grey and I realised that I have not dealt with weather like that in 15 years and remembered how much I hated the long winters.
Yes I think the UK is still a great country to live in, in spite of the issues it faces and I suppose I miss people from my own familiar culture. Even though Americans speak the same language the culture is different here.

[Sunflowergirl1]

@middler

starrynight yes that is the real obstacle. I fear we are stuck here because uprooting the kids, what if they hated it over there, I would just feel so terrible. At the same time if we see them to adulthood here, then it is unlikely we will ever get back there and that thought makes me sad.

Difficult and I suspect it is some rose tinted specs. We have done similar and live in the U.K., but had a good period abroad. We came home as jobs dictated but frankly, yes the U.K. is utterly terrible currently. Schools are rammed full unless in special measures, GP appointments, can't even ring now. Have to fill in a form in the morning that can't be submitted before 8am, hospitals rammed. One of us needed a hospital appointment. The letter came and is for 9 months!! Had to pay to go private which we did in a week so it isn't for lack of capacity! A visit to A&E. Some staff barely spoke English and were bordering on unintelligible.

The government just seems worn out and exhausted. No real ideas at all. Taxes just keep going up. Never ending calls for more public spending without a clue as to how it is paid for.

We have friends back abroad where we lived and I'm relieved they do not have the same view of where they are (Aus and NZ). DH and I have a family holiday booked later this month and we are going to discuss and decide whether to return, and leave the U.K. for good. I'm fairly certain we will A fair number of our friends have already....all extremely highly qualified. My neighbours son is even doing so. He is a police officer and he says that policing is as broken as the NHS. He wage increase is continually nil of far less than inflation....but never mind as the government sees there are plenty of applicants. He has been offered a job in Western Australia Police...along with several of his colleagues. He is due to leave in a few months and my poor neighbour is so upset, but she says she can't blame him as his life will,be so much better

I personally am sick of the state of the country and sick of the ridiculous direct and indirect taxation levels.

So if you are sat in the US and don't feel like we do, I suggest you sit tight, enjoy your life and thank your lucky stars you are not living in Blighty, as frankly it should be called blighted.

[Farmy]

We live in an expensive country in Europe. We haven’t been away for quite as long as you op but there’s no way we’d move back now. Kids are late primary age and our quality of life is vastly better than in the uk. Yes we dearly miss our friends and that banter you get with your lifelong pals but we have to remind ourselves that everyone makes an effort to get together when we’re back but that it’s certainly not like that all the time…. Everyone has their own lives…

My FIL is on a waiting list for a knee replacement. 4 years, I shit you not. My DM had open heart surgery last Autumn and the aftercare has been dreadful with cancellations, delays, not seeing the same consultant ever. My friends all talk about the increase in knife crime. Even in the naicer parts. Runners attacked in the early mornings or evenings etc. I think the cost of living is getting crazy there. As I say we live in an expensive country, yet I am amazed each time I’m in a supermarket in the UK at just how high the prices are.

[cheezncrackers]

Is there anything stopping you from coming here for a decent-length, regular visit OP? When we lived in the US, I would come back every six months and had regular visits from my DPs and DSis in between. Nothing stops that homesickness IME, but it can be somewhat tempered by keeping your foot in the door in the UK, socially.

Fifteen years is a long time and there have been changes here in that time and yes, the situation with the NHS is a bit shit, ditto cost of living, fucking Brexit, etc, but that wouldn't stop me moving back, if that's what I (and DH) wanted to do. We moved back 14 years ago and have never regretted it. No, the UK isn't perfect, far from it, but then the US is imperfect too and while salaries are higher in the US, so are the property taxes! It's honestly all swings and roundabouts when you get into the financial nitty-gritty of it (which we did, ad nauseam, before we moved back).

[middler]

Thanks everyone, many good points. I feel like as I get older I miss the network of family more than I did when our kids were little. Now they are more independent and seem to want to do less with us it feels sort of lonely to just be the four of us in a way it wasn't when they were younger and it felt we were to busy to notice that we were in the same situation, just the four of us. So part of it is a yearning to be close to family members rather than just in the UK I think. We did a trip back last summer and we always enjoy it and I have done a trip solo but you are in holiday mode when you go on holiday.
But it may also be my mindset coloring everything as I feel this real sadness that my kids little years are over as I enjoyed it so much and now they just amuse themselves and want to hang out more in their rooms, but of course that would be the same in the UK. But I imagine the sameness of life would be punctuated by being able to drop by and see family members if that makes sense.

[Farmy]

Totally makes sense. But maybe a case of grass is greener / rose-tinted spectacles / would the reality really be as you imagine it?

[Toohotforchips]

I imagine that your DC's lives are firmly in the US now? Presumably it is there that they will want to go to college, have relationships and put down roots. That would be a big factor for me in my decision. It is a tough one.

[middler]

Thanks Farmy and Toohot, I think that is my fear that I uproot my kids lives for something for me-they are pre gcse so if we were to do it we would have to do it in the next year I think. The schools they are in are really good ( not having the experience of bad us school people speak of on here), no bullying issues, we earn good salaries that would not be replicated in the UK. It is just this irrational yearning to be in the country where I grew up. I hate the thought of Trump getting in again-it is not about a republican being in power as I appreciate in a democracy so much as this awful divisive character being in control.

[Farmy]

It’s not irrational at all. Living abroad is one big adventure until some of the downsides kick in. Some you can push to one side and others you can’t and they become a reason to leave.

It gets complicated when the place you call home isn’t the same place your kids call home… and you don’t really think about that at the outset but it does be one more prevalent as you get older. And making big decisions for our kids is different to just making decisions as a couple or even with young babies as they don’t have their pals and their life in the same way.

Does your DH and DC know you feel like this? Have you talked to them about it?

[middler]

Thanks Farmy. yes my DH knows and he is really supportive but he points out that it may be hard to replicate the good set up we have currently here, excellent public schools, very safe neighborhood, sunny climate, well-paid jobs so it is high stakes because I would feel so terrible if the kids were unhappy in UK schools. I also wonder if it is perimenopause connected as I just did not feel like this the first 10 years we were here as there are so many positives but something about getting older is making me crave the familiarity of the country I am from and to have my kids have more contact with family including my father. We have met lovely people here but it is not the same as family who you have that deeper connection to, I just feel sad that we have given up those relationships by being out here and really question whether the gains are worth it.

[coxesorangepippin]

I would definitely not move your kids from the US back to the UK

They will have more opportunities in the US

[Ozgirl75]

Honestly, my kids have really struggled with coming back (they’re 10 and nearly 13). My eldest has really found school awful, no one very friendly to him, hard to make new friends which he has never found hard before. They both miss home. They’re the main reason we’re only staying a year. My younger son has fitted in with some lovely kids but even he just misses his home and friends.

[Brrrrrrrrrrrr]

Do NOT come back to the UK.

That UK you left 15 years ago doesn’t really exist anymore, I think you’ll feel even worse uprooting your kids to bring them here as things are now. In my opinion the country is in a steady decline and has been for several years but this last year the pace has certainly increased.

I appreciate the US has big issues too but I think it’s better the devil you know. There’s been a significant shift downwards in standards and expectations for services, infrastructure, politics, health, education, quality of life etc. Mediocrity is slowly becoming de facto in many aspects of life here and it’s both frightening and sad to see.

Even if you are comfortable enough to send the kids to private school and do your shopping in Waitrose, have BUPA etc the impact of witnessing this decline around you is pretty grim, watching opportunities and decent lifestyles being taken away from many average people is just depressing.

[BarbieBunches]

@middler i could have written your post about missing the early years of childhood and the busy feeling of seeing friends a lot. That’s how it is for us now they’re teenagers and I’ve always lived in the U.K.! I think it’s an age and a stage for us 50 somethings sadly - I’m trying to solve it at the moment 😄