Daughter transgender

[Chimeraforce]

My daughter is 14 and told me she identifies as a male and has felt that for over a year. I know it took guts to tell me. She cried and apologised so I hugged and was supportive. I'm not happy though. She says she will tell her class this month which I'm dreading on her behalf. I've asked her if she is lesbian or wondered if Aspergers. She says no and that it kills her inside being a girl and upsets her when ppl including me, call her "she". I asked how she feels about her body she says disgusted by periods, lady parts etc. I'm concerned she's having an identity problem rather than defo gender problem.
I'm scared and unsure who to go to. I'm not wanting any of this and scared she'll get taken off me.

[Nowayhozay]

When I hear of these feelings starting in the early teen years it always rings alarm bells for me.
I'm not an expert but have had a vested interest in all things trans for a long time, I believe and of course I stand to be corrected that these feelings are present from a very early age in transgender people, I'm not sure that it just suddenly happens to people.
Of course many suffer in silence and battle these feelings for years before they feel able to deal with them.
The fact your daughter says this is fairly recent makes me wonder if she is confused, puberty is a tough and confusing time for anyone.
I would contact my gp and see if there is any counselling that she could have as a first step.
Sounds like you are handling it well, all you can really do at this stage is re assure her.
Why would she be taken away from you? You seem very caring and open.

[Chimeraforce]

I'm scared they will think I initiated it. I read too many stories of the parents pushing their own agenda onto kids. I'm not.. I thought she was going to tell me she was lesbian, sexually active or pregnant. There is help for those _ but this is such a lonely area. Also saw Australia story of 15 y. taken into care as parents refused hormone therapy etc. I'm not willing to accept her having hormone therapy as a minor.

[Nowayhozay]

I really don't think you should be concerned about her being taken away.
If she had counselling and it was agreed that she was indeed trans would you support her?
Coincidentally the high court have I believe just today ruled to make it very difficult to even get blockers below the age of 16, so you have some breathing space anyway.
Not all young trans people go on to have surgery or even hormones, there are many many trans people living happy lives at all different levels of transition. For some just living the lifestyle as a permanent thing is enough.
My own DS who is now a teen has from a very young age expressed himself as a very stereotypical girl.
From toys and interests through to clothes, he has never been encouraged one way or the other but even now he prefers to dress and present as feminine but has never ever expressed a wish to actually change gender.

[Italiangreyhound]

Chimeraforce it's very tough for the child and the parents.

Please do not worry about your child being taken away. I have heard of this in a very few cases like Canada, so if you are in the UK, I would not worry.

The wait for children's transgender services is between two and three years, in fact closer to three now I think. So this means there would be a wait before anything could happen. I also don't think anyone would assume you had initiated it. The clinics are inundated with young people, especially young females. So I don't think anyone is assuming now it is the parent/s who are promoting this in children. I mean there may be some people who think like that but I don't think any clinic would assume it.

[WineAndHobnobs]

Also saw Australia story of 15 y. taken into care as parents refused hormone therapy etc. I'm not willing to accept her having hormone therapy as a minor.

In light of the Keira Bell verdict, I don't think you need to worry about that at the moment.

[saynotofondant]

Hi Chimeraforce,

That sounds very hard for you both, I’m sorry.

Here’s some tips from the Bayswater Support Group, a group for parents whose children are identifying as transgender:
www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/toptentips


There is currently a phenomenon of teenage girls in the UK, US, Canada, Australia and Northern Europe identifying as transgender. It’s being termed “rapid onset gender dysphoria”. You and your daughter are not alone.

There are websites like TransgenderTrend (UK) or 4thwavenow (USA) to help parents support their kids without necessarily turning to medication (which would be the Mermaids approach).

[Italiangreyhound]

saynotofondant That Bayswater link is very good.

[Earpig]

Do check out the Bayswater group.

My son came out at school and they're affirming it. His was incredibly rapid, like literally 2 weeks from thinking he might be trans to changing his name and pronouns. The only saving grace is he is in an ASD unit and they're largely tolerant and there's no toilet issues etc.

If you opt for counselling you might find many therapist are completely affirmative. It's a fine balance to not alienate, but I am not currently going along with it, rather acknowledging teen is a difficult and challenging time and feel uncomfortable with body etc.

[Chimeraforce]

Thank you for your posts. The bayswater site is how I am leaning. I'm moderate and don't condone hormone therapy for my child until she's over 18. Sex is legal from 16. Alcohol and voting 18. Driving 17. Yet transitioning so far has been unfettered in kids under 14!
She's now had her long hair cut short and she is so happy with that. She's been dressing in joggers/baggy tees/hoodies/ trainers for well over a year and says she cannot wear a skirt makes her feel physically sick.
She gets stroppy when I call her "she" so I've told her I gave birth to a daughter and I'm sorry if it offends but I will call her as such.
Tough times ahead but can't just walk away. She's a 14 year old.

[Earpig]

I'd do a deep dive on internet history and access. There's some very shady characters lurking in amongst what first appears welcoming LGBT forums.

I think also discussing being gender non-conforming is sensible and rational but not equal being trans. I think trans is quite reductive from that perspective.

If you suspect ASD, I would try and pursue that, anxiety very common and a trans identity seems to be very comforting. It's a communication that needs to be heard but that doesn't mean we have to affirm the belief.

The Keira Bell case is quite timely too.

My son is 15 and I've really struggled. It's so worrying and isolating.

[Clymene]

Those suicide stats are not true. Please don't put the fear of god into a loving parent. What is your motivation for spreading wicked lies @QuintonTess?
Humans can't change sex.

[MinnieKat]

Op, My daughter has just had a very similar conversation with me (She feels she is gender fluid) and I completely understand where you’re coming from.

I can’t say it was too much of a shock to me as I knew she was struggling with puberty and her body changing into a more feminine one so I understand the logic of her questioning herself. She has felt that she doesn’t fit for a long time before this and I guess this is the next step. All I can do is support her and give her the freedom to explore where she feels comfortable. I’ve looked up local counsellors that can help her unpick exactly what she’s feeling and explained that we’re all here with her. She wants to change her name, appearance and her pronouns too.

I can’t quite believe it all yet but I’ll get there.

[DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult]

Legally, her school cannot call her by another name unless you give permission.

This is totally wrong. The school will assess the situation and, if deemed in the best interests of your child, will call them by their chosen name.

Do you know the suicide rate is now 40% every year in transgender youth? Do you want him to commit suicide?

This is both false, and a fucking awful thing to say to someone who has a child who is struggling.

I've been (still am) where you are op. It isn't easy.

My honest advice right now is support the small stuff, name, hair, clothes, pronouns, can all be changed back. If you can't use male pronouns, then please at least make an effort to use neutral terms.

If its a phase, and it quite probably is a phase, then your child still needs support to navigate through it, and they are more likely to take your advice on board if they don't consider you to be 'transphobic'.

I would also recommend getting a counsellor who is a lesbian.

My child made a lot of progress with having a gay counsellor.

It is easier to tackle the bigger issues if you seem to be on board with the smaller issues ime.

It really isn't an easy situation. My child has been on this path a long time. There has been no medical intervention, but now they are an adult they are going to transition. They have felt this was since being tiny (before trans was the thing it is now) and there were no resources or support when we started down this road.

I have made sure to sit down with my child regularly and discuss all the negatives, we have watched the ops, detransitioners stories, read about side effects and ops gone wrong, and every awful thing you could possibly imagine. My child feels this way so strongly that they are aware of every risk, and they are willing to take them. Someone who maybe isn't so strongly dysphoric probably wouldn't feel that way after going through the negatives, so I would also recommend doing that over the course of the next few months as well.

For now though I would absolutely support the small things that can be changed, your child will be more open with you if you're being supportive (even if you're faking it to an extent) and less likely to seek help and support online where there are some less than savoury people who don't have good motives.

[Italiangreyhound]

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult excellent advice and so true. Completely agree with you on all things. Especially...

"For now though I would absolutely support the small things that can be changed, your child will be more open with you if you're being supportive (even if you're faking it to an extent) and less likely to seek help and support online where there are some less than savoury people who don't have good motives."

[Loboh]

I'm sorry but that's bs. The fact you cannot refer to him with his correct pronouns is ridiculous. I am trans ftm and transitioning is the hardest thing I ever had to go through (I started at 21). If people were purposfully misgendering me on top I would be so upset. You as a parent need to get your pride out of your ass and communicate with your son. He needs to know he's valid.

[jellybe]

Where has she said she doesn't value her child?

This is a time of change for the OP as well as their child and she also has to do what she is comfortable with. It is a balancing act which the OP is walking and just completely accepting this, if she is not comfortable, I think would be worse. Teenagers can tell if you are being fake where honestly discussing concerns etc. Would surely be better then a smile and nod approach.

[Loboh]

It's just disrespectful to use incorrect pronouns for someone you supposedly love and care about. End of. Gender identity isn't just something that you think about once before coming out. It dwells on your mind for months, or even years. And its stupid for someone to make a mockery of it by not seeing you in the way you want to be seen. End of.

[Bunchup]

'End of'. Is that the new 'no debate'?

As OP says, she gave birth to a daughter. It's immensely cruel and wrong to force a mother to deny that truth.

[jellybe]

'And its stupid for someone to make a mockery of it by not seeing you in the way you want to be seen. End of.'

You can't force any one to see you the way you want to be seen. As the mother that is her lived experience and not wanting to completely erase that isn't stupid and she isn't making a mockery of it. Why shouldn't the OP be able to acknowledge that she gave birth to a daughter?

[Loboh]

Why does the gender impact anything. Surely you would love your child no matter whether they are a girl or boy.

[oxalisRed]

@Loboh

Why does the gender impact anything. Surely you would love your child no matter whether they are a girl or boy.

Gender impacts everything when you come to believe that your gender identity doesn't "match" your sex. The focus on gender stereotypes is putting people back in the boxes of our grandparent's generation.

Hundreds of teens (mine included) have or are embarking on paths that will cause irreversible damage to their bodies, in the hopes that drugs and surgery will change their gender.

How foolish of you to think that a parent's love would not be all-encompassing. It often is, to the extent that we don't want our children to hurt themselves irreparably.

[Noregrets78]

'Surely you would love your child no matter what' oof low blow and a clumsy attempt at emotional blackmail? Nothing I've read here makes me think these parents love their children any less.

[Porridgeoat]

I would take her to a psychologist to confirm if she is in fact autistic as this could help her understand herself. You’d need a spare few hundred