My Transgender Daughter

[mamma132]

Just over a year ago, my dd (ds back then) came out of the closet as a bisexual trangender girl. I'm making this thread so that anyone who has a child in the lgbt+ community can reach out for support and advise from someone who has seen it happen firsthand. I would have found this thread really useful 14 months ago, and I hope it can be that helpful for someone now. I'll try to respond to as many comments as possible, but I might not get round to all of them.

[Sowhatifisaycunt]

We decided that a diagnosis would serve her no purpose but she knows we can return to the GP anytime if she feels it will benefit her.

[merrybloomizoothief]

Just is distressed at being female and hates having breasts.

you see i don't think is at aall unusual for girls. I HATED getting breasts and resisted wearing a bra for ages after i should have. A lot of teen girls dislike the changes to their bodies in puberty-who would WANT periods fgs?!
But deciding you want to be a boy isn't going to prevent those changes- unless you go down the scary drugs route.
i would have love d it if someone said to me -take these tablets and you won't get breasts or have periods. LOVED IT.
But as an adult female i would have been devastated to think that a decision i took at age 11 prevented me from having children and feeding them.

[differentnameforthis]

Just is distressed at being female and hates having breasts. My daughter resisted wearing a bra for as long as she could and cried for for 2hrs when she got her first period. This despite knowing it was coming (I prepped her long before)

Yes it's a shock, but I think some distress is normal when you realise that you have no control over your body.

[O4FS]

I don’t have anything useful to add, but wanted to wish you well.

[Abitlost2015]

Why does she not want to go to a gender identity clinic?

[Italiangreyhound]

merrybloomizoothief did you self harm or talk about suicide because of the feelongs you felt about having breasts?

I didn't mind getting breasts or periods. I didn't like having periods. I expect most girls do not enjoy a monthly event that makes you feel emotional and/or in pain etc.

"But as an adult female i would have been devastated to think that a decision i took at age 11 prevented me from having children and feeding them." I completely agree.

Luckily in this country (UK) you cannot access surgery or cross sex hormones at 11 ( as far as I am aware).

I am very fearful of the kids on puberty blockers because there are possible side effects and also I believe the brain stops developing. And these can be accessed at 11.

differentnameforthis I think gender dysphoria is different from disliking starting your periods. Whether all the kids who present as trans really have gender dysphoria, I don't know. But I would expect after a year of having periods most girls are used to it.

Sometimes gender dysphoria or voicing the feelings of being 'a boy' doesn't happen until after periods have started.

Maybe the two things are linked for some people but maybe not.

Did you see the Malong of Me. I think both those girls were in their 20s.

[Italiangreyhound]

@mamma132 how are you doing?

[merrybloomizoothief]

no i didn't
it was a long time ago and that kind of thing wasn't talked about

i kind of went into denial.
I just refused to accept that it was happening.

Even as an adult, i don't feel like a 'girly' woman. i feel like a man dressed up if i wear heels or a dress-i feel stupid iyswim.

But i am married to a man and i have children.

[Italiangreyhound]

merrybloomizoothief I think (based on what I've read) that other women feel those feelings and to some degree I think it is normal, as in not that unusual.

I didn't/don't feel it; but I do sometimes feel like I am a bit of an imposter in the fact that I don't always feel like a grown up! I'm in my 50s! So I should.

I think maybe there are a very wide variety of feeling connected to being female, and as someone who would describe themselves as gender critical I don't buy into gender identity as being innate. However, I do feel that some people have 'gender' dysphoria, which for some people seems to really be sex dysphoria. But that is just my humble opinion, I'm not an expert!

[merrybloomizoothief]

I agree
I know lots of women who aren't 'girly' 'women. For want of a better expression.
I am fortunate that I was born when I was.

We seem to be trying to fit children into tiny narrow boxes with very narrow definitions of what it means to be male or female. And that worries me greatly.

[PinkfluffySlippers63]

Sorry for interrupting the flow of this thread - thank you Italian and SD for your comments about schooling which I posted yesterday. Really helpful.
X

[mamma132]

She is not "preteding" to be a girl; she is one, but she does wear femenine clothes, I definitely think this is something she'll stick to in the long run.
I totally understand how you're feeling, cleverquacks. You've just started to view your child in a totally dificult perspective, of course it's going t be hard. Good luck with it all; I wish the best for you and your child.
She's not waiting for any gender clinic appointments, she's had some counselling and as far as surgery goes I don't know if she wants any/what surgery but I'll support her though any/all of it.
I don't think mermaids is too bad flashbac, and yes, she's been diagnosed with gender disphoria by a professional therapist. She's following a bunch of transgender/lgbt+ celebrities on the internet which is giving her support.
Merribloomzoothief, of course she can dress/present herself anyway she wants regardless of gender, but she has a condition called gender disphoria which is basically an allround discomfort about her gender (when she was "a boy"). And, in answer to your next question, I would advise for them to allow as much freedom as possible with regard to how the child dresses/presents.
SD1987, this is a common opinion that transgender girls are more "girly" than cis girls and trans boys more "manly". I suppose this would be true for my daughter (she likes pink, wears dresses, has long hair etc.) but obviously transgender girls can present in anyway they like and still be girls, same as cis girls. As far as schools go, both her school and all of the students have been very supportive of her transition.
PinkFluffySlipper63, I would advise for you to connect to your son on a personal level as much as possible: make sure he knows he can come to you for help. I admire your support of him through this journey. All the best for you and your son.
Italiangreyhound, in the UK, pre-adolescent transgender people can access hormone blockers at a young age, which essentially prolongs puberty. The beauty of these is that if they change their mind, they can go off hormone blockers and have a normal puberty with no harm done. Most GPs I've talked to are unwilling to prescribe "Cross sex hormones" (estrogen, testostorone) to anyone under 16, possibly 18. These will make irreversable changes to their body and psyche, so a greater responsibilty is needed.

[mamma132]

O4FS thanks a lot! You too!
Italiangreyhound I'm doing well, thank you.

[anniehm]

It's great you are being so supportive. We have 4 trans teenage friends - one fully transitioned at 16 (private pay) one is starting hormones at 18 (nhs) one is undecided at 18 what to do and one reverted to their birth gender and came out as gay. Exploring your sexuality and gender is really common now.

[NotANotMan]

She is not "preteding" to be a girl; she is one

Your child is a male child with sex dysphoria. That does not make them a girl! That's a falsehood that won't help them in the long run and you certainly shouldn't be affirming that they ARE a girl. It's just not true.

[RiverTam]

Your child isn’t a girl. A girl is a young human female and a male can never be a female. To tell a child they can change sex is a monumental lie. I don’t see how any support for a child in distress can involve lying on such an epic scale.

And just about every child who is prescribed puberty blockers for this goes on to cross sex hormones which of course causes sterility. Not quite sure how that can count as supportive either.

[NotANotMan]

You don't need to collude that they are a girl to be supportive. You don't need to be saying 'you're not a girl you're a boy' but that doesn't mean that uncritical affirmation is helpful.

[MrsScamander]

How does your child know they are a girl? I know you said your child has been diagnosed with gender dysphoria but you/they are not sure if they will get surgery. Do you think it's peculiar that someone who suffers with gender dysphoria would willfully chose to keep their penis when it is perhaps the most obvious signifier of being male?

[Atalune]

op

I think you’ve been given bad medical advice.

Puberty blockers aren’t some magic salve that when you come off them all is well. There are harmful effects. But mermaids won’t tell you that. Go and do some additional research for yourself And consider looking up some post trans kids who have then returned to their birth sex. Look at their journey. There are lots of videos on you tube.

I wish you luck.

[NotANotMan]

The beauty of these is that if they change their mind, they can go off hormone blockers and have a normal puberty with no harm done

This is a pure lie

[Italiangreyhound]

PinkfluffySlippers63 I don't know how your child is in terms of mental health and happiness but the trans identifying young people on my wider family are varying degrees of very unhappy. I think mum and dad would do anything just to make her/him happy!

It's incredibly bloody hard.

Although I am gender critical, as I would describe it, I am also aware of how real the feelings of upset and distress seem to be. In the cases of the females I know I think all of them have additional needs, learning needs, mental health issues.

I am not saying this is always the case but in the case of the females (and it is all biological females, I know, whether they identify as trans or non-binary or gender fluid or whatever) there are additional needs.

[Italiangreyhound]

in my wider family and friends are varying degrees of very unhappy...

[mamma132]

mrsscamander, she described her being a boy as being like writing with your foreign hand: she can't exactly describe it, she jus knws it's wrong. And I don't think it's too unusual. Obviously, getting surgery is a massive struggle, both in terms of admin/paperwork and money. I don't really know her if she wants surgery or if she's even thought about it. We haven't discussed it, as it's a way off either way.

[Dyrne]

Mamma please reconsider your stance on puberty blockers - they are absolutely not a harmless, completely reversible thing.

Even ignoring all the other possible side effects, if you want to support your daughter consider this - Trans women have reported that their use of puberty blockers has actually meant they end up with an undeveloped penis. This has actually made it harder for them to undergo effective transition surgery as they do not have enough penile tissue to form the new ‘vagina’.

Support your daughter the best you can, but please look fully into the side effects of all medications and make an informed choice.

[RiverTam]

Just because your DC struggles with being a boy doesn't make them a girl, or make transitioning the answer to their issues.

Puberty is essential for both body and brain to go through. Your DC runs the risk of not developing properly, and not developing as a sexual person. Do you want them to be chemically castrated?