Help, defended divorce

[GingerCuddleMonster]

I don't know where to begin, I realise this may out me but I don't care I'm at my witts end.

My ex was violent, a domestic violence abuser. We went to court, he was charged.

I began the process of divorcing him, but I haven't much money. So I did it myself. filled the paperwork and so forth. Wrote in my petition all factual events. that I had paperwork to prove this is what happened. It wasn't written in a way to upset or anger just 5 events of unreasonable documented behaviour.

Anyways fast forward, the ex has filed a answer!! and the judge has agreed to take it to a hearing!!

I've requested a copy of his answer this has been denied. I'm flying solo and blind.

I don't know what to do, what to expect. I suppose I'm just asking for guidance on what happens next?

I'm distraught I can't face him in a court I can't even look at him. .

[Stitchintime1]

Is there an organisation that could support you?

[RandomMess]

What an utter arse, but then you know that don't you!!!!!

Would love to be a fly on the wall when the judge reads that...

[feelinghthelove]

My ex defended ours, got called to court, went it alone as I couldn't afford the solicitor, judge slammed him and called him foolish, said he was a very silly man, clearly the marriage had ended, divorce granted and he was ordered to pay costs!

[LotusLight]

Ginger, it is slightly more complicated than that. i suggest you go to court and do not accept his ground so you keep in charge in being the one who divorces him (I think that gets you more court fees from him too but that's a minor issue).

If instead you say to the judge he can divorce me then you are right back to square one and your ex has to issue a divorce petition with that ground, start the thing again and he is in the driving seat on timing I think. I am not a divorce lawyer but I think that's the position.

[GingerCuddleMonster]

Well I am aiming to go in and defend my petition, I have everything I need and will be collecting GP evidence this week, and then I'm sorted.

after what's reading what's written its ridiculous, it is littered with spelling errors and grammatically incorrect.

it's an amusing read .

[Iwishicouldflyfarfaraway]

Hi Gingercuddlemonster , my ex defended the divorce - don't want to post it all on here but happy to explain what happened in a private message.

[MooseBeTimeForSummer]

I'm assuming from what you've posted that he doesn't have a Solicitor either. Any half decent lawyer wouldn't let him write such an epic saga and would advise him that you have to have a copy of the answer.
Get to Court early and explain to security and the usher the background and that you need to be kept away from him.
Stand your ground. If you didn't commit adultery dont agree to a divorce on that basis.

[dunfightin]

All you need to do is present the official paperwork i.e. case, convictions, GPs letter. It will be all written in non-emotive, factual language and the judge will see what's going on. It all seems cut and dried. The fact that you will see judge cutting through all his crap can be very cathartic and if you ever have to deal with ex again, you have an objective view of his behaviour.
Phone the court and state that you need separate waiting area and explain why i.e. harassment, historic DV. Ushers are used to it and courts usually have lots of little side rooms so it won't be an issue to keep you apart.
Take something mildly distracting such as trashy book, knitting, book of sudoku puzzles as there can be a lot of sitting around and getting progressively more nervous so distraction is good.

[LotusLight]

Also even if you did commit adultery that does not mean you cannot divorce him for unreasonable behaviour so stick to your own petition. It may be on the day he will agree to yours if you change a few paragraphs which of course would be fine as no one sees these divorce petitions anyway so it's pretty irrelevant what is in them. Someone mentioned cross petition above. I had said if he defends then he has to start again but it sounds like I am wrong and he could "cross petition" although presumably even then that then puts him in the driving seat as the one divorcing you so better avoided if you can.

[GingerCuddleMonster]

Thank you all

I am eager to stick to my petition, I'm happy to make amendments as it does not bother me one iota what is written as such. I just want the end result if I'm honest.

My GP has written a letter to include with my paperwork. which I feel strengthens my case.

A few more bits and Bob's to copy at the local library and I am good to go. The more evidence I have the less I need to speak as it will speak for itself.

Starting to feel confident that I've got everything I need.

I could do with out all this, I feel like its jeaopordisong my new career. but I'm just going to have to keep a level head about it all.

[GingerCuddleMonster]

I know this, it's why technically he can put this forward, however I am eager to stick to my petition.

Of it should transpire that the grounds must be changed, it's not a issue for me.

All I am interested in is a divorce. if it means I end up paying then to be honest I'd pay thousands if it ment I didn't have to deal with him.

[GingerCuddleMonster]

1. That it isnâ??t adultery if you have already separated from your spouse.  If your spouse has sexual intercourse with another while married to you, it is adultery. But in order to petition for divorce, you have to establish not only that adultery has taken place, but also that you find it intolerable to live with your spouse. If you have already separated the first part is correct, but the second is not.

Bear in mind that after learning of adultery, you have only six months to issue a divorce petition. Once that time is up, you cannot use the adultery to divorce your spouse and you will be regarded as having â??condonedâ? it.

so given that gestation is 9 months and DS is now nearing 11months, the 6 months have well and truly passed.

[GingerCuddleMonster]

the restraining order in place states no contact allowed except through court services or solicitors.

[Collaborate]

OP - I'd like to correct what you say in your last but one post.

You can be separated, commit adultery, and still have your spouse divorce you on that fact. All it takes is for your spouse to say that it wasn't until they learned of the adultery that they finally believed the marriage to be at an end.

You have also incorrectly stated the 6 month rule. The rule is that if you have lived with your spouse for over 6 months after learning of the adultery it will be assumed that the adultery was not the cause of the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage.

So you can separate from your spouse 5 months after learning of adultery that happened 2 years earlier, and then wait as long as you like before you petition for divorce based upon that adultery.

[GingerCuddleMonster]

Ah thanks, I did however give him 6months from the birth of my son to make his own petitom, stating if he sent me paperwork regardless of whatever reason he wamtednto put, I'd sign it and send it back no bother. He never petitioned, he has included this as " his evidence"

I've received more news today that this may actually have nothing to do with "the grounds" or the petitions and more to do with a paragraph where he rambles about his immigration status...I've had a call from the border agency asking all sorts of questions, and questions about my stolen passport

[RandomMess]

Is he the person who stole it?

[GingerCuddleMonster]

Yes he stole everything important to me, my passport, my birth certificate. All my academic Certificates, bank statements.

He took the "important documents file" when he was released from custody and returned to me marital home after I had been escorted.

[GingerCuddleMonster]

but then again I've quieried his visa status with the home office and got a "general" letter of reply stating "none of my business"

[RandomMess]

Bastard

[GingerCuddleMonster]

my autocorrect hates me tonight, sorry for odd spellings. I'm also currently a jungle gym for an 10month old.

This not knowing what to expect is driving me mad!!

I just want a divorce, I just want him gone. The more I think about this, the more I'm happy for him to divorce me on the grounds of shagging farm yard animals, zero fucks are given about the reason I just want the outcome. .

[LotusLight]

If he divorces you then every step he has to action and he might start and then stop so I think you should try to stick with you divorcing him so you remain in control of that process.
Is there any money or a house you both own or anything of value?

[Golfhotelromeofoxtrot]

lotus is right, if you are the one petitioning, you are in control. He can lose interest and stop at any point.

[GingerCuddleMonster]

no children or assets nothing. thank bloody God!!

Today I have spent yet another day in the library reading family law text books glorious sunshine and I'm busy trying tondefrnd why I need to divorce an abuser.

I managed today to get copies of news papers articles when we appeared on court in 2013 which states that he sent over 200text messages in the space of 48hours. Also the police have agreed to release records to me and any evidence they collected from me. such as abusive text messages and so forth.

I've also learnt that adultery after seperation can actually be used as proof that the marriage had already broken down, I need to defend that it was his unreasonable behaved that caused the breakdown and not the "adultery" post seperation by the looks of things.