Where does my DS stand?

[elizadoestoomuch]

Can someone advise me please?
i will try to be clear but apologies if not.
DS dad (my exp) died at the end of January.
He owned his flat and told me a couple of years ago that should anything happen to him he had made a will and got the correct life insurances etc so that DS would be provided for if anything happened to him.
Got a phonecall a couple of days ago from ExPs family saying that paternal Grandad would like to contribute to DS "upkeep" (for want of a better word). I think this is a lovely thought but no mention has been made of what provisions have been made for my DS. Don't kow for sure what the will says.
I have to phone them back but really don't know what to say.
I'm thinking of something along the lines "such a kind offer but as ExP assured me that DS was provided for then it really is unneccessary." But that sounds so cold?
Relations haven't been great between them and us for a year now because of DS dads begaviour but I don't want to make things worse.
On the other hand I would like to make sure my DS recieves what he is entitled to.
Again I think it is a very generous offer by DS grandparents but it seems wrong if DS is supposedly provided for.
Am I making any sense? Such a hard issue. Don't want to be cold or callous to anyone just tired of not being given the correct information (the family have form on this- didn't notify us for over a week that he had died).
I guess my question is what do I do if there is a will and what do I do if there isn't?

[elliott]

I wonder if you need to write a letter requesting information about the will (as a previous poster said 'to help you plan for ds future').
If you don't get a reply I think you need to get a solicitor to request the info on your behalf (and you probably need advice from one anyway).
You really need to do this to make sure your ds is properly looked after.
Personally I think trying to do it on the phone it will be too emotional and you will be vulnerable to being fobbed off/not getting the proper information you need. There is really nothing wrong with seeking the facts.

[elliott]

And i agree that your priority is your son, you have no responsibility for the grandparents feelings.
I imagine one of the reasons you are finding this so difficult is your own feelings of guilt/distress about whether the difficulties between your ds and his father were a contributing factor to his death - compounded by the fact that his parents are blaming you. Obviously I am sure you were doing the best you can in difficult circumstances, but perhaps worth acknowledging your own feelings. i think another reason for doing it all in writing where you won't be tempted to be too nice and accommodating to the GPs.

[Earlybird]

What is your relationship like with ex-p's BIL? Can you have a reasonable conversation, and does he seem to answer truthfully? Could you ask him the questions you've asked us?

[elizadoestoomuch]

Thankyou for your reply elliot I have no guilt re the lack of contact between DS and ExP. I knew I was right to stop it. If I had allowed it to continue then DS would have been stuck in the flat with his dead dad (he died on a contact day. although his death was a shock it wasn't a surprise to us IYSWIM)
I think you're right re writing them a letter. I'm not sure I can keep the emotion out of the conversation. I think I will see my solicitor tomorrow and go from there.
earlybird I never had a relationship with BIL till ExPs death. It hasn't been easy. He refused to give me details of the minister taking the funeral. which resulted in the minister spouting for 5+ minutes about activities my DS and his dad enjoyed together - it was all false. My DS was very confused. Was the oddest funeral I have ever been too. My DS was the only person crying.

[elliott]

Sorry I wasn't implying that you did or should feel guilty - and I am sure you did do what was right for your son at the time - I just had a sense from your posts you feel rather emotional about approaching exps parents and I wondered whether that wouldn't be helpful to what you need to communicate with them - you might be too accommodating towards them (or alternatively might get too angry with them!!) You absolutely need this information, you are completely entitled (indeed obligated) to do this for your son - though can appreciate it will not necessarily be a comfortable experience.

[elizadoestoomuch]

Well I am flummoxed! Spoke to ExPs BIL. Yes there is a will. He and Exp DSis are executors. They have made it clear that they wil not pay maintenance out of the estate. All money will be invested for DS future. When that future starts I have no idea. I asked him 3 times to clarify that as DS is 11 would they release money for maintenance and he said said absolutely not. Can he do this? I am going to see solicitor in the morning. Can't believe the way he is behaving. His attitude was awful.

[Georgimama]

So are they the trustees of the trust as well? Must be. They have to give him the lot at 18 (or possibly 21 depending on what ex put in the will). You need to see a solicitor about this - it will cost but solicitors are, believe it or not, quite amenable to coming to payment terms. They will be able to advise as to whether it is possible to apply to court, if necessary, for maintenance out of the estate.

[melvinscomment]

@ elizadoestoomuch :- I think your exp's obligations will probably pass to his estate. So, assuming he was obliged to pay maintenance when he was alive, which I presume he was, I think his estate will be obliged to continue paying maintenance. Something like that. Also, best to try and avoid a big legal battle because if that happens most, if not all, of the estate will go to lawyers! Come to think of it, maybe that's what your exp's family want! Hopefully not! I think it will be best for you, not your solicitor, to contact them again when you have more info.

[Earlybird]

I'm confused too - didn't paternal Grandad offer to contribute funds for living expenses for your ds? Do you know what exactly he is proposing to do, or was it a general conversation? Could that be why ex-BIL is refusing to release funds now?

Were you able to get any clarity on what assets were left behind? Is it £1000 or £100k? Or more?

Was your ex's family aware of what amount he was giving you for ds each month?

[Resolution]

Ignore Melvin. He's a troll who hasn't a clue what he's talking about. More often than not he's wrong, like on this occasion!
You need to speak to a trust solicitor. Not just someone who deals with wills, but someone who regularly advises on the administration of trusts. Look on up on this

www.step.org/system_pages/call_to_action_navigation/find_a_practitioner.aspx

A member of STEP is ideal for you.

[melvinscomment]

@ elizadoestoomuch :- I'm thinking the simple and cost effective thing to do is accept whatever maintenance Grandad is offering to pay, it may even be specified in the will. Ask for a copy of the will. Ask for a copy of the death certificate. Then decide what to do later.

[melvinscomment]

@ Resolution :- I am not a Troll, but you are probably a money grabbing solicitor! :- en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Troll

[Resolution]

Right this time Melvin, but an estate cannot be made to pay maintenance in the sense that it's called maintenance. Your solicitor should fill you in on this. It's a complicated area of law.

They will also be able to get an idea about the size of the estate.

[melvinscomment]

@ elizadoestoomuch :- Complicated areas of law = big fees for solicitors!

[Resolution]

Obviously Melvin is the cleverest person in the world who, despite his lack of legal training or apparently personal experience, knows it all!

[Longtalljosie]

An advantage of getting solicitors involved will be that your exP's brother and sister will have to get one as well. A disinterested third party might be able to make them see that maintenance is in your DS's best interests, and not just money going to you.

Resolution - would mediation be a possibility here?

[melvinscomment]

[Resolution]

Mediation might help the 2 sides reach an understanding, yes.

[Earlybird]

OP - can you manage without the money your ex was giving you?

Would there be any negatives about accepting the offer from paternal grandad - other than it keeps you tied to them (which isn't insignificant, I know).

A solicitor gives you clout (so you can't be fobbed off by people with a personal ax to grind), but it is shocking how quickly bills mount up - so be cautious. It also raises the stakes emotionally as it can be perceived as aggressive/confrontational, and can make people dig their heels in to defend their 'position'.

[elizadoestoomuch]

Thankyou for all your responses.
just to clarify a couple of things, when I spoke to ExP BIL (who is trustee) he said that the grandparents wanted to provide pocket money. Which is a lovely thought yes but nothing to do with maintenance.
BIL then gave me a flat out no when I asked if he (as trustee) would find out about contributing to DS upkeep. Yes we could survive without the maintenance but it would mean thinking twice about things like Football subs,school trips, could also mean less time as a family as more overtime would be needed at work. So no not vital but near enough.
Anyway, saw solicitor today. He said it is unusual for a will to be made when a child is involved for there to be no provision made whilst the child is still, well a child! He is going to write to the Grandparents (I don't have BIL address) for trustees/executors details and hopefully get a copy of the will. And it will all kick off. They will all be so mad at me. But their behaviour over the last 18months has made me lose any faith that they have DS best interests at heart. As always, there is a backstory to this.
I am gutted. Can't believe it has come to this. All this because they won't communicate. Its ridiculous.

[elizadoestoomuch]

Sorry babybarrister. As far as I am aware yes there is a will. ExP told me years ago that he had made one and should anything happen to him then not to worry DS would be provided for.

[ConstanceFelicity]

Just wanted to send you a big hug, it sounds like a difficult time for you and your DS, and you sound sensible and like you absolutely have your child's best interests at heart.