Feeling attacked as a mum of 3

[Ilikecheeseontoast]

There have been several threads lately discussing families with 3 or more children -how we are selfish for having more than 2, how our children must be starved of attention and love etc etc. I am stupidly taking these opinions personally and it's making me feel crap. I have 3 much wanted, loved and cherished children and with health problems, lockdown etc am finding things difficult at the moment. Does anyone have anything positive to say about having 3 or being one of 3?

[catatecheese]

I have 3, always wanted 3 and am complete at 3.
Don't feel judged and don't care. I come from a family that for multiple generations only have had 1 or 2 children ( very unusual I believe going back that far). So my 3 are completely acceptable in my view! So please don't judge me if your granny was one of 8 etc, mine was an only child our family is well overdue a few members.

[TheMagicDeckchair]

I do agree with you OP, there’s an awful lot of negativity about families on some MN threads about having 3 + children, that you’re selfish, are destroying the earth, you can’t possibly be happy or attend to their needs. Some threads are just downright anti-family completely!

I have one child currently but expecting twins soon, and I experienced a lot of anxiety about this as I never planned for 3. Reading these kinds of threads makes my MH worse so I avoid them now. There are other places I find support instead. I use MN more for other subjects rather than judgy parenting.

Good to read everyone’s positive comments about larger families, thank you.

[blackteaplease]

I've noticed this recently too. Lots of comments about having 3 children is bad for the environment and is selfish. Whereas in real life I know a lot of families with 3 or 4 kids

[EasterChick98]

You can feel judged about anything on MN though to be fair. Sometimes I read something which makes me feel bad for working and putting my DD at nursery, then later the same day I'll read something which makes me feel bad for "only" working part time and not more. As just one example!

Anyway, I'm one of three and I absolutely loved it. I'm really close to my siblings. I'd like to have a third DC myself but DH isn't keen.

[THATbasicSNOWFLAKE]

If you feel judged for three for gods sake don't have any more!

3 seems quite normal to me
4 seems to make people assume you are 'done'
Going past 4 people don't seem to get

[Lassy1945]

* Does anyone have anything positive to say about having 3 *

But YOU are another of 3. So surely you have “something positive to say about having three”

Buck up OP. You’re a parent of three children. I’m a parent of two children and the entire world could be telling me I’m selfish and made a mistake and it wouldn’t bother me - because I’d just look at my children and that would be that!

[Throwntothewolves]

Among the people I know having two or three is the norm. One or four is less common, but I probably know about the same number of families who have one or four. More than four is unheard of. Even when I was a child it was like that.
I am one of three, as is DH. I never thought of us bring a large family.
I have one child and occasionally get asked if I didn't want another. It's not as straightforward as that for me, and it's really no ones business why DS is an only.

I honestly think you are reading too much into things if you think this is an issue, because I really haven't seen three child family bashing on MN only child families is a different matter

[SpiderinaWingMirror]

Everyone feels judged as a parent, get used to it!
I always wanted 3. We have a large age gap. Had 2 in our 20s and last one nearly 40.
The world and his wife and dog had a view on it and didn't fail to tell me.
Luckily I couldn't care less what others thought about a fairly normal situation.

[LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE]

I think 3 is an entirely reasonable number of children. I am dreadful at having children (difficult pregnancies) and husband only wants 2 so we've stopped there. I do think that UK life is a bit biased towards families of 4 - all the "children go free" offers seem to be for 2 children, family tickets for 2 adults, 2 children, the difficulty of finding a car that will take 3 carseats in the back but isn't a tank....

However if we'd really wanted 3 we'd have had 3 and I wouldn't have expected judgement. Sorry that you've been feeling judged.

[TheABC]

3 is a "normal" family size. Granted, the trend is towards 1 or 2 children, but you can still comfortably get your all your kids into the average car and the standard-sized house. Now if you had 4+, it would feel big.

As for MN...it's a big place and lots of judgement to go round. Consider it feel training in DFOD, as parents can never do anything right!

When I stopped caring, it was quite liberating.

[thelegohooverer]

I’ve known quite a few people who had dc because it was on their bucket list of things to achieve by age 30. From an environmental perspective I think it would be better to have less 1 and 2 child families and leave child rearing to the people who really enjoy it.

I know people who barely see their dc because both parents work long hours, and take holidays without them. And when they do take the dc on holiday they gripe about the children’s club not being open long enough. I also know a fantastic mum of 7 and a mum of 5 who just suit motherhood really well. Obviously there’s no way to know, before you have dc, how well it’s going to suit you. But maybe if we were more open about the physical damage of child bearing, and the reality of raising dc, we wouldn’t have as many people conceiving children as a sort of status symbol or proof of adulthood.

I think the message about only having 2 children is disingenuous. I think it would be much better for everyone if more people had none and left off judging those who want big families.

[OverByYer]

I’ve never considered 3 to be a large family and marvel at those with 4 or more. Feeling attacked is a pretty strong emotion, I think you’re being over sensitive

[BertieBotts]

I think those threads are bonkers and full of people who don't understand maths or population factors, and just want to feel holier than thou because their choice was for 1 or 2.

It doesn't matter how many children an individual family has if the overall birth rate stays lower than 2. In fact three families of four versus two families of three or one family of eight probably consume more resources, tbh. People should just step away and make the decision that's right for their own family.

This is a very reassuring and interesting watch about population! And well researched as well.

[BertieBotts]

In fact, I think it's the middle class response to media hysteria about immigration actually.

Get the working classes frothed up about immigrants and the middle classes all indignant about Wayne and Waynetta slob with their ten children claiming benefits. (Of course nowhere near representative of any real family!) Meanwhile keep cutting resources and the electorate will sit around and blame each other so you don't look bad.

I had wondered where this had come from, it never used to be that bad. That's never occurred to me before. It's just "this country is full up" in another guise.

[YouWereGr8InLittleMenstruators]

I think the concern about larger families on MN seems to be about bringing children into a Western economy in particular, and how this impacts on the environment and climate in terms of resources and emissions.
Not so much about whether said children are loved and cared for, which they most likely are.

DeniseTheMenace, you said you started out worrying about an impact on the environment, but have since understood the benefit to the UK economy of keeping the population above replacement level. The two concerns are not mutually exclusive. The fact that 'pensions need to be paid' does not invalidate your initial concern about the environment. The key is not to stop people having children, but to reduce consumption, irrespective of how many children we have.
In childhood, it is possible to responsibly mitigate the consumption aspect of additional children somewhat; if you have 3 children, and they use each other's hand me down nappies, toys and clothes, or second hand items, which is what happens in most families, and you adjust your family's carbon footprint accordingly and don't consume more on account of your third child than you would with two children, it's obviously fine (food being the obvious exception).
For full disclosure, I have two DC, and still think it is my responsibility to reduce consumption wherever I can, in all areas of family life.
As to what happens when said children become older consumers in their own right, with their own preferences and priorities -not sure how to mitigate for that.

[Liverbird77]

I am actually jealous of you! Ideally, I would have loved four children. Unfortunately, my husband wants to stop at two.

[Anonmumm2]

I was one of three and I absolutely love having two siblings. I was never lonely as a child and as an adult I have a larger support net with both my brother and sister.

[MeadowHay]

I'm one of 3 and don't have anything bad to say about it. I'm the eldest and I've disliked being the eldest especially as a child, but that would have been the same I'd have been the eldest of 2. I'm very close to middle sibling. Youngest sibling is challenging but we get on ok for the most part. I'm glad to have siblings and we all had lots of fun as small children. Adolescence was tricky for my parents with 3 teenagers at once who were often all at war with each other hah. I'm pregnant with my second now and we aren't ruling out having more (DH is the youngest of 2).

[queenofcandleford]

OP I find that only having one gets the same judgement. Seems like people in general think that 2 children is the acceptable number. Most of my friends are catholic so broods of 5+ are normal!

[Marmitemarinaded]

What On earth are you on about?

And as for * Does anyone have anything positive to say about having 3 or being one of 3?*

Surely you have something positive to say?!

[Marmitemarinaded]

Surely only from the green warriors?!

[TheVanguardSix]

Err... this conversation ended in April.

[SpnBaby1967]

I have 3 and had them close together so mostly get the "you've got your hands full" comments, more so when they were younger.

But I have to say, 3 seems to be the norm in my peer group. I dont know anyone with just 2 kids.

[Comedycook]

In real life I don't think anyone really raises an eyebrow at someone with three kids...it wouldn't be for me but I don't care what others do. Three seems entirely unremarkable. As for environmental concerns, I presume those criticizing never drive a car or turn their heating on!

[Marmitemarinaded]

@Comedycook

In real life I don't think anyone really raises an eyebrow at someone with three kids...it wouldn't be for me but I don't care what others do. Three seems entirely unremarkable. As for environmental concerns, I presume those criticizing never drive a car or turn their heating on!

Let alone raise an eyebrow

Now even give the remotest damn