The Rebellion of Clacton in the Year 2014
I went to Clacton during the campaign and stepped into a pub (not because I’m a binge-drinker as the metropolitan elite say the people all are, as those privileged blighters try their utmost to increase the minimum price of alcohol for working people), but because I wanted to see the mood of rebellion in the People’s Uprising of 2014 for myself. I’d heard about it, everyone was talking about it, everyone agreed with it, I just wanted to see it.
The pub had the BBC on the TV and a reporter said that the Tories were stepping up their campaign, they were sending their “big hitters” in, and the whole pub just erupted in laughter.
“Big hitters? They’ll get knocked out,” someone said.
And I nodded as I knocked back my second large drink. Hadn’t any of their highly-paid advisers told the “big hitters” that this was Clacton, that this was Essex, that this was the real deal? Don’t they study the Peasants’ Revolt of 1381 at Oxford when they do their PPEs? Don’t they know that it all began in the villages and towns of Essex on the East Coast of England all those many years ago? Hadn’t they read that the villagers in 1381 were all in agreement that the metropolitan elite were out of touch and that they feel exactly the same way now in 2014? Don’t they know that 1381 is still taught at every mother’s knee in the town of Clacton-on-Sea? 1381, the year we had ‘em on the run.
The BBC filmed the “big hitters” as they stepped off the train that took them from the metropolis to Clacton. None of them had ever been here before, they were fish out of water, lambs to the slaughter, this was Essex, this was the real deal. They’re usually found in the bars, restaurants and private members’ clubs of Westminster, Mayfair and Belgravia, doubtless putting it all down on expenses that the residents of Clacton have to pay. You could tell they were “big hitters” from their top hats and tails and their Bullingdon Club ties, and as they arrogantly strode through the streets of Clacton trying to shake the people’s hands, the locals all gave them a very wide berth indeed. People were literally scarpering and running, I’d never seen such speed.
Someone in the pub shouted “muppets” and everybody laughed. It was a former lifelong Tory voter who was enjoying his drink. He had once been a Tory councillor, but everyone’s entitled to make a mistake, no one held it against him, for he had long since seen the light, had torn up his membership, had joined the people, had done what was right.
The BBC cameras followed the “big hitters” as they knocked on doors in a street in Frinton-on-Sea.
At the first house they knocked at, a man opened the door. A Bullingdon Club member said “Good morning sir, we’re from the Conservative Party. Can we rely on your vote?” The BBC broadcast the reply.
“Beep beep you beep.”
And the whole pub cracked up laughing.
A chastened PPE shrank back in shock. This was his first experience with the people, they hadn’t taught him this in the rarefied atmosphere of Oxford University, among the spires and the squires. This was Essex, this was the real deal.
The "big hitters" moved on to the next house, hoping the response would be a bit more favourable. An old-aged pensioner with a zimmer frame struggled to get to the door
“Good morning madam, we’re from the Conservative Party. Can we rely on your vote?”
“Beep beep you beep,”
was the reply and all of the pub cheered and raised their glasses high.
The BBC had not seen anything like this. They don’t usually come down here, down to Essex, down to the real deal. They’re usually in the metropolis, swanning around in taxis, chinwagging and spinning with politicians, probably all paid for by the residents of Clacton.
The "big hitters" knocked on the next door and a young woman opened the door.
“Oh hello, are you from UKIP, the People’s Army?” she asked with a big smile.
“No, madam, we’re from the Conservative Party. Can we rely on your vote?”
“Beep beep you beep,” she said.
And the whole pub stood up, raised their glasses and cheered.
And so it went on and we had never laughed so much. We were all united, all excited, we were all as one. The people of Essex were going to make history, just like in 1381.
And as I walked out of the pub into the pitch dark, because the Tory council had turned off all the street lights after midnight to “save the planet”, against the wishes of the residents who pay the taxes that pay their wages, I realised what was going on – this was a rebellion, a revolt, a bit like 1381.
And now it would move on, to Rochester in Kent.
“Wot larks, Pip”
The old master, Dickens, must be smiling down at us from Heaven. He has Great Expectations for the people of Kent in his old famous stamping ground of Rochester. He would have loved this if he was still here, he would have raised his glass and uttered a cheer. He never liked the metropolitan elite either, he was people through and through, and as for the Bullingdon Club, wot larks he would have made of those bumbling buffoons, those toffs without a clue.
The Tories said they would throw everything they had got at it, but I knew it was nowhere near enough. They could throw all the spin and smears and fears that they had got at the people of Kent, but all their goodwill had long been spent. And where on earth did they get off on calling people feckless, they would now be routed by the People’s Army led by fearless Farage and a man called Reckless. The people across the country – middle class, working class and even some of the upper class have all had enough, they’ve all gorn UKIP, the Tories won’t be able to make even a dent. The PPEs and Oxbridge academics will scratch their heads as they try to understand where all their voters went.
So if the People’s Army is coming to a town near you, you know what you have to do. Don’t be put off by Pimlico Plonkers, Tory lies, spin, smears and politically correct policies that are bonkers. Do Dickens proud, remember 1381 and boldly do what must be done. Stand firm, ignore the insults that call the people lunatics and barmy, put a big fat cross against the People’s Army.
