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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

How do I stop feeling so sad? Please tell me this is normal!

85 replies

smelters · 03/09/2022 23:19

DS off to Uni on the 18th. So so proud of him, he worked so hard for his A levels and got his first choice. I know this is the right thing for him and I am positive and cheerful about it when we chat.

But inside I am just feeling so sad at the thought of him going. He's such a big presence in our house, loud, funny, kind, huggy, goofy, annoying 😆, it's going to be so strange. We have a younger DS too who is going to be a bit lost without him.

Just the thought of dropping him off is making me want to cry and I know I can't do that until we're on the way home! Needless to say he's our eldest so this is all very new.

Tell me to pull myself together wise MNetters. Why is this so hard!

OP posts:
mibbelucieachwell · 03/09/2022 23:47

It's very hard. I felt exactly like this too.

There's consolation in the extra enjoyment you'll have when your DS comes home.

RainBow725 · 04/09/2022 00:15

I found the anticipation was much worse than the reality. Try and plan some things to keep busy when he has first gone. And they are back a lot - and will probably drive you mad then!

moneybeingwasted · 04/09/2022 00:20

You will be absolutely fine after he has actually gone…the anticipation is worse TBH.💐

workedwell · 04/09/2022 01:50

You get used to it....but it is normal.

doubleshotcappuccino · 04/09/2022 02:59

Same here .. relieved to hear I'm not on my own . Really so proud of her but really sad that she's going .. am a mixture of excited and proud and then just a knot of dread of her going .. and also worried I'm going to make a prawn of myself saying goodbye .. I don't mean a big vocal sadness but I just know this is going to be so hard . Thank you for starting this post !

Original poster
smelters · 04/09/2022 08:04

Thank you for the replies. It does help to know I'm not alone. We drop him off on a Sunday then I'll be in work Monday, I am a TA so will at least be busy and working with children which will fill the gap a tiny bit! Good luck to all of you going through this.

OP posts:
Londonnight · 04/09/2022 08:16

Mine leaves on the 17th. He had delayed starting uni for a couple of years, so is one of the older ones, but it has meant that I have had him home for an extra couple of years.
I have been okay about it until now, but reality is settling in, now I am dreading it. I know it is the right thing for him and he will do really well, but I am going to miss him so much. It has only been me and him for the past 12+ years, so going to be a real empty nest for me.

Original poster
smelters · 04/09/2022 08:18

Londonnight · 04/09/2022 08:16

Mine leaves on the 17th. He had delayed starting uni for a couple of years, so is one of the older ones, but it has meant that I have had him home for an extra couple of years.
I have been okay about it until now, but reality is settling in, now I am dreading it. I know it is the right thing for him and he will do really well, but I am going to miss him so much. It has only been me and him for the past 12+ years, so going to be a real empty nest for me.

Ah that sounds so difficult. I don't think they realise how much they mean to us, I didn't give it a second thought when I went off to Uni but my mum has been telling me how she cried all the way home from dropping me off! Come back and post here if it helps.

We are off to Ikea today to get all his cooking stuff, bedding etc, going to try and enjoy it but it makes it seem even more real...

OP posts:
LaFlottes · 04/09/2022 08:28

This was me last year…. DD is an only child so it’s been a big change but we adapted and got used to the new situation.

It just felt like the end of an era - very sad but I kept reminding myself that the alternative was that she would still be at home, all disappointed if she hadn’t got her Uni place! What I really wanted was to turn back the clock and do everything all over again!!

I was ok on the day we look her, it was very exciting and busy and we got her all set up and had a look around and went for lunch.

I then cried on the way home! Slowly as she settled in and made friends, started her course etc, the calls and WhatsApp messages came and it started being exciting again, hearing about everything she was doing. Before we knew it she was home for Christmas, then Easter and then Summer! Each time she’s home for the holidays I do get used to it and feel sad when she heads back. She’s going back on 16th and I’m starting to feel that slight gnawing feeling in my stomach anticipating it.

So yes it’s normal, how you are feeling. But you will get used to him not being there all of the time, but you’ll love hearing from him and the holidays are lovely.

Stay strong and enjoy the moment as much as you can then throw yourself into work or whatever when you are back from taking him!

KangarooKenny · 04/09/2022 08:29

It is very hard. Just push on through it.

doubleshotcappuccino · 04/09/2022 08:33

Really helps to know that I'm not alone feeling like this ! Felt a bit better even after just posting!

FourChimneys · 04/09/2022 08:40

We dropped DD off, gave her a big hug, told her how proud we were etc, etc. Then went back to the car and cried. I cried again when we got home and went into her bedroom.

But they come back, and it's surprising how soon you get used to it. Hearing all their news and meeting their new friends is lovely.

3leafclover · 04/09/2022 08:43

How far from you will he be? I've had three go off to uni - the further it is, the harder it feels! Well, definitely that drive home when you've dropped them off is hard... You do get used to them being gone fairly quickly. But walking past their empty room can bring a pang to your heart when you're not expecting it!

Good luck to you and your boy. He'll have a blast and you'll be just fine (promise!) Flowers

Original poster
smelters · 04/09/2022 08:46

Thanks so much everyone this is so helpful. You've all been so kind and understanding.
He will be around 3 1/2 hours drive so not close! He wanted that as he loved the Uni so much. I am really looking forward to the times he comes home although he also has a girlfriend so we won't have him just to ourselves. I think I just need to get that initial parting out of the way, that's the bit I'm really dreading.

OP posts:
PowerHits · 04/09/2022 09:02

It's tricky because it's bittersweet - it's exciting and normal but there is a sadness there too. IME time helped, it just became the new normal quite quickly!

caringcarer · 04/09/2022 09:25

OP when it came time for my eldest child, dd to go to Uni, DH was working away from home. I had to take her alone. I got all her stuff in car, she said her goodbyes to her brothers and we set off. When we got there I helped her unload all her stuff and make her bed. Then I took her grocery shopping to fill her fridge shelf and section of freezer. We had a late lunch then time for me to leave. I was determined not to cry in front of her. I cheerfully waved goodbye, drove around corner and into a car park and cried for 10 minutes before I could dry my eyes and drive home. Several years later dd revealed to me she went to her room and cried for a few minutes too. But we both waved a cheery goodbye.

Original poster
smelters · 04/09/2022 09:28

caringcarer · 04/09/2022 09:25

OP when it came time for my eldest child, dd to go to Uni, DH was working away from home. I had to take her alone. I got all her stuff in car, she said her goodbyes to her brothers and we set off. When we got there I helped her unload all her stuff and make her bed. Then I took her grocery shopping to fill her fridge shelf and section of freezer. We had a late lunch then time for me to leave. I was determined not to cry in front of her. I cheerfully waved goodbye, drove around corner and into a car park and cried for 10 minutes before I could dry my eyes and drive home. Several years later dd revealed to me she went to her room and cried for a few minutes too. But we both waved a cheery goodbye.

Oh now that's brought tears to my eyes just reading that! You were both so brave. I was dreading this scenario as DH works away a lot but thankfully we will be doing it together, I know he will help me stay strong. I don't want to ruin the excitement for him by being a mess, I'm just not very good at holding the tears in!

OP posts:
goldfinchonthelawn · 04/09/2022 09:39

Cry your yes out if you need to. It is a MASSIVE change. And the emotion is not all just to do with him leaving. It's to do with the monumental task you undertook to raise him to adult hood, which is now done and very abruptly snatched from your control.

I had bad empty nest syndrome, but then both DC came back as their unis shut down due to lockdowns - everything was online and halls were closed for about six months. That really helped me. By the time they went back I was ready for them to go because I saw how badly they needed and wanted to begin adult life.

Tips -
Focus on one or two things to do for yourself - get fit, take up a new study or job or volunteering post
Read up on how to be a good parent to adults. It's a different job, which largely involves keeping your mouth shut, I have discovered!
Visit him once a term. Zoom call once a week if he is up for it. Send him cake, hot water bottles etc - small things he needs.
Focus on your younger DC.
Sort your house out.
See friends, especially ones in a similar life stage or just beyond it. they get it. I love my friends whose DC are a couple of years older. They have so much wisdom on what to expect next.

Original poster
smelters · 04/09/2022 09:58

goldfinchonthelawn · 04/09/2022 09:39

Cry your yes out if you need to. It is a MASSIVE change. And the emotion is not all just to do with him leaving. It's to do with the monumental task you undertook to raise him to adult hood, which is now done and very abruptly snatched from your control.

I had bad empty nest syndrome, but then both DC came back as their unis shut down due to lockdowns - everything was online and halls were closed for about six months. That really helped me. By the time they went back I was ready for them to go because I saw how badly they needed and wanted to begin adult life.

Tips -
Focus on one or two things to do for yourself - get fit, take up a new study or job or volunteering post
Read up on how to be a good parent to adults. It's a different job, which largely involves keeping your mouth shut, I have discovered!
Visit him once a term. Zoom call once a week if he is up for it. Send him cake, hot water bottles etc - small things he needs.
Focus on your younger DC.
Sort your house out.
See friends, especially ones in a similar life stage or just beyond it. they get it. I love my friends whose DC are a couple of years older. They have so much wisdom on what to expect next.

Thank you this is all excellent advice. I think one of the hard things is that my friends are all friends I made through my younger DS, so I'm the first to go through this! They're all looking on with a mixture of pity, sympathy and horror!!
I do need to sort out my fitness and diet so it will be a good time to focus on this.
We are definitely moving in to a new era of parenting, I have always felt that it will be important for him to know we are always here if he needs us without being demanding of his time, such a tricky balance. I like to think we have a strong relationship and that he will keep in touch because he wants to not out of a sense of duty or guilt (mother in law I'm looking at you🙄)
I'm so proud of the man he is becoming and hope we can support him in the best way on this next stage of his life.

OP posts:
Geamhradh · 04/09/2022 10:37

I'm bringing mine over to the UK from Italy in 3 weeks and am already thinking oh lordy. She's an only child too.
I am an only and given how I'm feeling right now, I think about how my mum must have felt the day she took me- back in the days when communication was by letter or queuing at a phone box (ie not a lot)

We'll be fine. And so will they. But I think we can cry a little too!

ChateauMargaux · 04/09/2022 11:55

I am also driving a long way... France, near the Alps.. I am DREADING the drive home ALONE!!

user29 · 04/09/2022 12:00

Ah yes, it is so sad especially the first one, but the truth is although you may feel bereft at first, the feeling passes indecently quickly!! You soon see a lot of advantages
The uni holidays are so long compared to schools. My 3 uni dcs terms have been between 8 and 11 weeks long for the first 2 and then summer term shorter still

Geamhradh · 04/09/2022 12:57

ChateauMargaux · 04/09/2022 11:55

I am also driving a long way... France, near the Alps.. I am DREADING the drive home ALONE!!

I am probably going to hole up at a friend's for a couple of days before flying back here. To sort my snotty face out and drink gin. Etc.

Frazzled2207 · 04/09/2022 13:06

Bless you. I know my own mother sobbed all the way home after my dad dropped me off. She never admitted it to
me though.
i think parents not upset at the thought would be very unusual.
It will be a new normal for sure.

UnnecessaryFennel · 04/09/2022 13:12

I was just about to start a similar thread! DS left yesterday - he's in private rent in London so the contract started at the beginning of the month. He's going to spend the next week job-hunting and then Fresher's Fortnight (!!) starts on the 12th.

We dropped him off at his house after doing a huge supplies shop - I feel happy that we've at least set him up with enough supernoodles to see him through until Christmas Grin. He vaguely knows a couple of his housemates as well so it's not too much of an uphill task to meet and get to know people.

But today I feel pretty miserable, tbh. He's had a gap year so has been away on and off all year, but the house still feels so empty and quiet without him. I have shut the door to his room as I'm not quite ready to go in there yet! Daft I know. Empty nest syndrome is definitely A Thing.