Can't leave for uni. Too Scared.

[BethMan]

Hi all.
I currently hold a place to study at the University of Bath for English. I turned 19 in May. I took a year out because I wanted to have a year to work and grow up a bit/gain some more experience in the English Department. I was so scared about going to uni last year that weeks before I was crying and having panic attacks every two seconds. I couldn't cope at all, was an absolute mess. It made me PSYCHICALLY ill. I would literally puke when I thought about leaving and just couldn't handle it at all. However, I've had a wonderful year off. I've worked really hard and gained so many contacts in London (where I live) I've worked for the BBC and The Telegraph. I have honestly had the best year. Then suddenly all my friends came back from uni for summer and I had to get back into that mindset again. I was so happy and now suddenly I am back to being scared, anxious and constantly just having my thoughts consumed by uni and that's it, I have work to hand in at my internship and I can't even do any of it because my thoughts are too consumed by uni. I've grown so much this year and I was offered a big job and was set to do that instead of go to uni, however the job sadly fell through so now my only option is to go uni. My issue is - I KNOW I won't be able to cope. Whenever I go away from home I panic and end up coming back. I went to America for a week with friends and had panic attacks every day and had to just lie in bed in the hotel room because I couldn't face being so far from home, the same when I went to Amsterdam and Prague! Essentially, I'm a homebird. I also have a 7 year old sister who I love so dearly. We are so close and I don't know what I would do without her. She is the best thing that ever happened to me and it would kill me to be away from her. I don't want to miss her growing up.
However, having said alllllll of this, I STILL long for the uni experience - not so much the drinking and clubbing because I hate that but the growing up, becoming an individual, LEARNING!
I loved bath when I went to visit. It is beautiful and the accommodation I would be living in is so historic and beautiful! The department for English was also really good and I looked at societies that really excited me too. All of those things make we want to go and I KNOW I should go, I know. However, even writing this right now is making me cry. So pathetic.
However, my other option is that if I'm lucky to get my place back at UCL which is currently my insurance I can live in London and still be with my family. I would move out into halls so that I still get some of the student experience but still only be a tube ride away from my parents, which makes me feel so much better. I'm about to sound really arrogant, but I almost wish I didn't get really good grades (A A A*) because then I could just pick a uni that was closer to home and have the best of both worlds. However I have academic pressure on me which I don't mind because I love academia! I'm just worried that if I do get a place at UCL I will hate it and be miserable because I've grown up in London and know it so well. Although haven't grown up in central London but the suburbs! I don't know. Sorry I'm rambling. I have read other threads and people have always commented like you need to go and you will settle in etc etc and even though I know this is a possibility, I think I have some serious mental issues when it comes to leaving home. Honestly I feel like I'm drowning. I can't stop crying until I am HOME. I can't explain it enough, I cannot be away from home without having a complete mental breakdown - it's not just how most students feel like missing home a little bit and maybe visiting some weekends etc, for me it's like panic attack all day everyday and I KNOW I will just get on the train or in my car and drive straight back home if I feel that way and then I will be a complete failure. It's occurring to me now that perhaps I should see psychologist, but it's a little late for that with uni only a few weeks away. Oh god. What do I do.

[DameSylvieKrin]

It’s hard to get in for sure, depending also on your subject, but you can increase your chances by very carefully selecting the college you apply to, planning your application and interview strategy and trying to add some extras to your profile between now and then to stand out in the process. Also think about the interviews, if they would make you anxious, as they are intense. Maybe you have a relative you could practice with.

[DameSylvieKrin]

You have a big advantage though as you have the assurance of knowing that you have already managed your a-levels plus more time to devote to the preparation than other applicants in their second year of 6th form.

[Aethelthryth]

Hi Bethman,
I can see that Bristol may not be the place for you; and good luck with the Oxford application: I know a number of people who have got in at a second attempt.

I do, however, think that you may just be looking for an excuse not to leave for another year: another Oxford application would tick your parents' "productive" box and give you a reason not to bite the bullet of leaving home.

If this is what you are going to do, you really need to make sure that you will have got over the anxiety about leaving before next year- there is no magic about Oxford which makes it more "worth it" than Bristol and you should not over-estimate the pastoral care- you are treated as an adult, the work is demanding, the atmosphere competitive. The smaller College set up can make it easier to make friends; but not always.

You still haven't really addressed what it is that is making you anxious about leaving. It is just not true that you will miss your sister growing up. If you go to Oxford you will be away for 8 weeks at a time, which is nothing when you are busy. It is simply not normal to be so attached to home and I suspect that there is some deeper reason, with which you need to get to grips. Do your parents know about the level of your anxiety? What do they say.

It is really not fair to encourage your sister to get emotional about your being away. You need to be brisk and cheerful about it, otherwise you risk making her much more miserable than she needs to be when you go. You also risk making her anxious about leaving when it is time for her to do so.

What else is there that makes you anxious about leaving home? You say that you were miserable when away for even a week. Why was that?

[roundturnandtwohalfhitches]

Hi OP, I've suffered from severe anxiety and I know how utterly rubbish it is. But in all your posts I see avoidance. Grasping at other straws that will postpone going away. You are finding multiple reasons not to leave home. If it's this bad of course you shouldn't go in a few weeks but you need to start dealing with this now. Avoiding the cause of your anxiety will only make it worse and worse. I know. Facing your fears is the hardest thing to do but the best.

[Dodie66]

My neice was just like you. She tried going to uni and gave up after a week she just couldn’t cope with being away from home. She got a job for a year and was much better and now manages to go to uni daily rather than staying there. I think this would be a better option for you too. Don’t give into pressure to do something you can’t cope with and do what is right for you

[PirateWeasel]

You've had some great advice on here so I'll try not to repeat and just say this. Deep down, if you're wanting to go to uni because you love academia and you're excited about the course and are looking forward to getting a degree and a job at the end, it honestly doesn't matter which uni you go to (as long as the course suits what you need). It can be five minutes from your house if you like! But if, deep down, you're wanting to go to uni because you want to meet people, get some life experience, and try new things, then you really have to bite the bullet and do what scares you. Nothing worth having comes easy. But it should never break your health!! The odd panic attack because you're scared is one thing (been there, sister!) But if you're needing constant medication to get through this, maybe now isn't the right time. If you don't feel brave enough right now, do something else for a year or two and then see how you feel. Just ask yourself, will the discomfort of doing something scary for a little while be worse than living with regret forever? We ALL regret something, so it's not the end of the world either way. Just try and imagine what your 30-year-old self might like to tell you.

[BubblesBuddy]

Bristol - two essays a term??? What tosh!

[Lifesabeach123]

I don't want to sound too harsh. But I really don't think you should be going to uni yet. Although you sound very academically able. This is no guarantee that it will stand you well, even if you think the Uni isn't rigorous enough for your liking. We know many students who have exemplar grades like yourself who actually do worse than kids with lesser grades or from contextual offers. Some of it maybe came from spoonfeeding type schools or the students are just not mentally strong enough to cope with juggling independent work, living on their own or being proactive enough to make the course or experience a positive one. Uni learning is not the same as A level learning it requires a different set of thinking skills. Sort your anxiety out first.

[BethMan]

Aethelthryth - firstly I never distress my sister. I would never want to cause her pain or fears. Never. I do make it an exciting prospect that I'm going away. I've showed her pictures and explained what's in the area like Bristol Zoo which she is rather excited about! But in the end of course she doesn't want me to go away. However, I do not appreciate you telling me not to distress or her cause her problems for the future and you have no idea. I can't just leave one day and not ease her into it, I do not however in anyway scare her or make her sad. That is the last thing I would do. I never want her to suffer or feel pain (although it's inevitable and I can't control it!) however I KNOW my sister and I KNOW I have to get her use to it, as well as excited! She's naturally going to upset though. I just feel like you have repeated this twice and assumed that for some odd reason I would want to hurt my sister or even if you thought it was unintentional I'm just rather hurt by it.

On to the rest of your post - I do agree. It's avoidance. However I don't know what else to do, I know I can't cope mentally this year so I'm thinking of suitable alternatives that would be productive instead of sulking about the whole matter and taking a pointless year out where I've run from my fears and accomplished nothing. If I seek the help I need this year and find a uni that is more suited to me then I think that's a healthier alternative, but I do not deny at all that I'm d do avoiding it! That much is clear.

[BethMan]

Roundturnandtwohalfhitches - I do agree that I'm avoiding my fears, however I think I need to get to the root cause of them and work out clearly what the issue is instead of putting myself through being mentally and in effect psychically ill from the stress. I'm not sure what else I can do to help really! Thanks for the post. X

[BethMan]

Dodie66 - thanks for the reassurance that there are others out there like me! I think I need to give it a hard look at and work out where my problem stems from.

[BethMan]

PirateWeasel- I am really trying to work out what I want and that's so hard because an anxious mind isn't the most clear mind. I don't have a GUT feeling about anything and I don't seem to be excited about any of my prospects anymore due to how anxious I am.
Thanks for the advice. I really need to keep thinking about what I TRULY want!

[BethMan]

Bubblesbuddy - RIGHT?!?! I mean I was shocked! For such a prestige uni how can they only be bothered to give us TWO ESSAYS A TERM? What the bloody hell am I paying for???? What am I getting into 50 grand+ debt for? It's just utterly ridiculous. It saddens me so much since the only reason I had my sights set on Bristol was for the course and now that that is a disappointment I can't help but not want to go. It's all very hard.

[BethMan]

Lifesabeach - I do agree that I'm not ready, however I don't think it's necessarily for the reasons you've stated. I actually went to a state school that was very poor and teaching standers ridiculous. I was never spoonfed and had to work really hard independently in order to get my grades. My teachers couldn't care less and I had so many substitutes because mine never bothered showing up, I had to teach myself most of the syllabus. I know a levels and uni differ massively but I feel ready for that jump academically - it's the rest I'm struggling with!

[chocolateworshipper]

I KNOW I should go

I learned through many years of therapy, that you need to be wary of statements including the word "should." You say you SHOULD go - that's not the same as "I WANT to go." Also avoid thinking that just because you are CAPABLE of doing something (with your grades) that you HAVE to do it. It's not the same thing.

I also learned in therapy to try and avoid "black and white" thinking - I try to look at the grey in-between.
now my only option is to go uni
But not necessarily THAT uni. And are you SURE that you have to go to uni? What if you did a higher level apprenticeship? What if you did a degree apprenticeship? What if you looked for a different job? What if you thought long and hard about the transferrable skills that you have gained over the past year, and thought about what different industry you could take them to?

Good luck to you

[Lifesabeach123]

I am no means saying you have been spoonfed but rather, ive seen a lot of students with amazing grades like yourself but don't cope well with the transition. I gave a host of reasons that might be. But I stand by that if you are not mentally able to see yourself coping and thriving.. I would advise not to go. Often it is the external factors and personal stuff that gets in the way with the learning. There's no point studying a course that is super rigorous with many essays and reading if you are going to be feeling homesick or anxious, this will impact on the quality of your work. Its no good for you or the university. Go when you are in a better place with your mental health especially if you are aiming for oxbridge. As you say, you don't need a degree for the job/area you want to be in. Your parents are pretty chill about things. So why put yourself through this mental torture and confusion. When you've figured things out and feel ready to embrace the changes then should you start thinking about going to university. At the moment you aren't in a predicament where your career requires a degree. Is getting a degree more for personal pride?

[restfultartan]

Best of luck OP, I recognise some of the things you feel in DS.

I vaguely know a girl in your situation from London who also got 3A*s. She came from Africa as a young girl, and has to stay at home helping to look after her little siblings. She's applied twice to Oxbridge and twice been rejected, this has really taken a toll on her self esteem. She's decided to take yet another year off. Sometimes, in life, it is easier to accept things that weren't meant to be for a reason.
In the end, I took a look at her application as a caring friend of a friend, it turns out that although she had brilliant A level grades, the subjects were something like Sociology, Psychology and Politics. Maybe OK for HSPS, but not for the course she was applying to. So, perhaps if you do re-apply, consider taking a really critical view of your UCAS form, and see why it is you haven't been successful (And sometimes it must be luck).

Go and try Bristol or Bath or wherever it is (maybe St Andrews) that you are firmed with at the moment. If you really really hate it, then sure, drop out, re apply. Or even reapply to Oxford and start at X uni.

[roundturnandtwohalfhitches]

I didn't meant my post to sound harsh- I just know personally how much of your life you can waste avoiding stuff that limits you. Start going places. Start staying away from home. You'll feel shit and then gradually you won't. Best of luck :)

[Loopytiles]

Addressing the MH issue should be a high priority. It might be a short term or long term problem. Getting “into the system” with the NHS would be a start

You don’t need a degree to progress to senior roles in your chosen field? Are there many well paid roles in that field?

Pinning your hopes on Oxbridge might not be sensible. Lots of people with fantastic grades get rejected. If you get in, great, but as with anywhere else you would need to deal with the social and independent living side, and there would likely be high academic pressure.

[Xenia]

If you can't cope don't go. I think we let too many people go who have mental health issues. I almost feel we need to change the UCAS application so it also has a section about whether you might be damaged by and are not really mentally fit enough for university just to protect teenagers more who should not be there.

Do you ever want to leave home? There is no need to. i have a school friend who never did ever - not even now and we are in our 50s. Not everyone has to leave home at some point.

We do also know a famly where the whole family moved to the university with the teenagers to continue to be together although I doubt your family would be up for that but if you have a non working parents that might be another option too. Just think outside the box!

[MrsMoastyToasty]

I didn't go to university but I am from Bristol so I would say give it a go, you've nothing to lose....and if you're homesick then London is only an hour and a half away on the train, not the other side of the world.

[alreadytaken]

Oxford is not a great place for someone who suffers from severe anxiety.

Stay home, go to UCL if they are your insurance. Ask Bristol to release you, explaining you have an anxiety problem.

Get some help to deal with the anxiety and if you are still obsessed with Oxford go there as a postgraduate when your sister will be older.

[KoshaMangsho]

Look. On the academic side. I went to Oxford. I teach at a RG uni and for my 20 week course they write two essays a term and take a final exam. Trust me that my course is rigorous and they learn a lot (and many struggle with this work load). Essays at Uni are not the same as at school. My students write 8-10 essays a term which is roughly what I wrote at Oxford as well. We do have bigger seminar groups etc than the 1:1 tutorial though.
In between they have a ton of reading to do. For my course alone they read close to a 100 pages. So nearly 300-400 pages a week, making notes, being ready for seminars. Plus any presentations etc.
The way I set my essay questions and exam questions it requires the student to have done a lot of reading. So trust me there is no easy ride involved.

Look, again you are making excuses. If you don’t want to go, don’t. But I don’t think the quality of education at Bristol is REALLY what is holding you back.

[Guienne]

You really wouldn't miss your sister growing up if you went to Bristol or Oxbridge. Bristol is only a couple of hours down the motorway, and university terms are relatively short. And whoever it was who told you that they only have to do two essays a term at Bristol was talking nonsense.

However, I really think you need to get professional help for your mental health problems ASAP. As has been pointed out, at some point you will have to do without your parents and your sister, and you need stop your current dependence on them from becoming entrenched. You could presumably do that either by deferring or by going to UCL, but either way, please start the ball rolling tomorrow.

[BethMan]

Good news! I managed to get a place at Warwick where my eldest sister is at! I didn't think I would be able to get a place last minute but tried anyway and it worked! I think this is the best situation for me as it forces me to leave home but at the same time have the support of my sister in Warwick. I can also get the support I need for moving away from home as the pastoral care there is far greater than Bristol or London unis so I've very happy about that!
I'm actually looking forward to uni now!
Thanks so much for the advice on here - I think the next best thing would have been for me to stay in London and work through it but this is facing the fear head on with the support I need! I was also so worried about going to uni and leaving my little sister because my 2 older sisters both stayed in London so spent so much time with me. However one went off to Warwick for postgrad at the other is in America at Princeton! I was slightly embarrassed to speak with them at first but I managed to and they said they felt the exact same about me haha! They didn't want to leave me and felt super guilty- both of them nearly didn't go!! That made me feel so much better as I no longer feel alone and can work through my issues. Thanks again to all of you for the advice and support in this whirlwind of a situation! Xxxxx