Can't leave for uni. Too Scared.

[BethMan]

Hi all.
I currently hold a place to study at the University of Bath for English. I turned 19 in May. I took a year out because I wanted to have a year to work and grow up a bit/gain some more experience in the English Department. I was so scared about going to uni last year that weeks before I was crying and having panic attacks every two seconds. I couldn't cope at all, was an absolute mess. It made me PSYCHICALLY ill. I would literally puke when I thought about leaving and just couldn't handle it at all. However, I've had a wonderful year off. I've worked really hard and gained so many contacts in London (where I live) I've worked for the BBC and The Telegraph. I have honestly had the best year. Then suddenly all my friends came back from uni for summer and I had to get back into that mindset again. I was so happy and now suddenly I am back to being scared, anxious and constantly just having my thoughts consumed by uni and that's it, I have work to hand in at my internship and I can't even do any of it because my thoughts are too consumed by uni. I've grown so much this year and I was offered a big job and was set to do that instead of go to uni, however the job sadly fell through so now my only option is to go uni. My issue is - I KNOW I won't be able to cope. Whenever I go away from home I panic and end up coming back. I went to America for a week with friends and had panic attacks every day and had to just lie in bed in the hotel room because I couldn't face being so far from home, the same when I went to Amsterdam and Prague! Essentially, I'm a homebird. I also have a 7 year old sister who I love so dearly. We are so close and I don't know what I would do without her. She is the best thing that ever happened to me and it would kill me to be away from her. I don't want to miss her growing up.
However, having said alllllll of this, I STILL long for the uni experience - not so much the drinking and clubbing because I hate that but the growing up, becoming an individual, LEARNING!
I loved bath when I went to visit. It is beautiful and the accommodation I would be living in is so historic and beautiful! The department for English was also really good and I looked at societies that really excited me too. All of those things make we want to go and I KNOW I should go, I know. However, even writing this right now is making me cry. So pathetic.
However, my other option is that if I'm lucky to get my place back at UCL which is currently my insurance I can live in London and still be with my family. I would move out into halls so that I still get some of the student experience but still only be a tube ride away from my parents, which makes me feel so much better. I'm about to sound really arrogant, but I almost wish I didn't get really good grades (A A A*) because then I could just pick a uni that was closer to home and have the best of both worlds. However I have academic pressure on me which I don't mind because I love academia! I'm just worried that if I do get a place at UCL I will hate it and be miserable because I've grown up in London and know it so well. Although haven't grown up in central London but the suburbs! I don't know. Sorry I'm rambling. I have read other threads and people have always commented like you need to go and you will settle in etc etc and even though I know this is a possibility, I think I have some serious mental issues when it comes to leaving home. Honestly I feel like I'm drowning. I can't stop crying until I am HOME. I can't explain it enough, I cannot be away from home without having a complete mental breakdown - it's not just how most students feel like missing home a little bit and maybe visiting some weekends etc, for me it's like panic attack all day everyday and I KNOW I will just get on the train or in my car and drive straight back home if I feel that way and then I will be a complete failure. It's occurring to me now that perhaps I should see psychologist, but it's a little late for that with uni only a few weeks away. Oh god. What do I do.

[BethMan]

Flymaybe - thank you for sharing your daughters experience, it always helps to know that there are others out there who feel the same, yet have managed to overcome it - thank you.
Unfortunately I don't think I will be so lucky with my university. I looked up the counselling services available and it says the wait is between 2 - 5 months. I don't think I can handle being there for the night without having a breakdown let alone up 2 months, or my god 5 months! I know I would have dropped out by then. It's really off-putting to think that I won't have any help if I need it - and I really don't have the money for a private therapist in Bristol. I've saved up a lot this year but that will barely cover my cost of living. My family doesn't have much money at all.

[MrsEricBana]

Ok sorry to doubt you (I had read thread). Have you actually been to Bristol Uni? Goldney and Clifton Hill House def not historic! Bristol is a city university not a campus so very spread out and not known for its pastoral care. I can't imagine that your parents wouldn't be pleased with you going to university and drunken clubbing is not a prerequisite (and you wouldn't find you had that much time or perhaps the funds to support it). Perhaps you should reapply (by 15th October) to Oxbridge where the collegiate system might really suit you (some of the smaller colleges e.g. Lincoln College Oxford - all meals in, 3 years in college accommodation, central location, cosy and beautiful - are wonderful) and both Oxford and Cambridge have short terms and are easily accessible to London (or of course London and live at home). With your grades and concerns these might suit you very well and neither will be a come down in any way and will be life changingly fabulous I'd think.

[Helbelle75]

Lots of good advice on here.
I just wanted to add that I went to university 2 years later than all of my friends, due to illness. I changed my mind about which university and degree course over those 2 years, and ended up having a fantastic time and made the right decision. I was 24 when I graduated (year abroad) and it's made not a jot of difference to anything. I even did voluntary work overseas so didn't start a career path until I was 25, but my experiences have helped me to progress quickly.
So don't worry about taking another year, as long as you're using your time wisely, which it sounds like you are.

[MrsEricBana]

None of my points solve the issue re your sister other than staying in London to work or study.

[KoshaMangsho]

Look at some point you have to tackle these issues. At some point your sister will grow up and have her own life. At some point you may well have to live apart from her and your parents. You are putting a great deal of emotional pressure on a 7 year old by making her the centre of this decision making. My 7 year old cries about lots of things and hates change but as a child I am not let him take charge of big decisions.

You can take another year off and do the Oxbridge thing. But come this time next year won’t the same thing repeat itself?
Unless you have a push and a desire to get a grip on your anxiety whether through medication or counselling or both, you won’t. And I am afraid, and I mean this kindly, that at the moment this Oxbridge thing is your way of putting this off for another year.

You do sound overwhelmed but you are conflating a lot of different issues as a result. Can you identify clearly what it is about home that you miss? Is it comfort? Is it the familiarity? Bristol is maybe a couple of hours from where I live in London? It would take them that long to get across London in peak traffic. So maybe the distance and the ‘London uni’ thing is a bit of a red herring?

If you did take a year off what would you do? And what help would you get? You don’t have to go to Uni but if you want to, then to some extent you have to also sort out your health issues.

[CloudPop]

Go to university in London and stay at home for a year. Plenty of time to move out / leave London etc

[WoodenCat]

What’s with your parents dictating Oxford Bristol UCL or KCL?? That in itself sounds like you’re under unnecessary external pressure. Are you very worried about what they think of you and about letting them down? Other good universities are available!

[BethMan]

MrsEricBana - I have visited, however only once... I did love it when I went. It's a lovely uni and the accommodation did look historic to me - however a lot wasn't open so I only saw the outside etc... thanks for the insight that's it's not as historic as I imagined!! Yes I have always thought the Oxbridge system would suit me much better but after not getting an offer post interview last year I didn't think to reapply - however my friend did and she's off to Oxford this October and I'm so envious! So proud but so envious haha. I adore oxford and the reason I want to go to uni is to study !! It scares me even more that most students I know don't want that, and just want the party lifestyle. It's really disheartening and I know quite a few people from Bristol that are very druggy/drink way too much and it just has made me feel very sad to be honest!
The collegiate system is wonderful! I absolutely adored it when I went and felt right at home. It just felt so right. I could see myself there & since visiting I struggled to see myself anywhere else so Bristol was kind of just well ... settling.
Also just to note - I was really excited to go to Bristol this year, HOWEVER I decided to talk with the current students in the english department and asked about the workload and intensity of the work etc etc and they informed me that they only have 2 essays a term!! Only 2!!! And that they loved it there but the course was much easier than anticipated. This saddens me greatly. At Oxbridge they have at least 3 essays a week, which may sound like a nightmare to most but to me that's wonderful!
I'm really not very nerdy and none of my friends are at all academic but when it comes to English and studying and writing essays

[BethMan]

MrsEricBana - sorry sent without me finishing! Essentially I love english. & I think I said it above but if I'm going to go through all the stress and anxiety of living away then I want, no I NEED it to be worth it & right now going to uni to do 2 essays a term and have barely any contact hours just doesn't seem like a great reason... when I come out of uni I will have to start as a trainee in a media company which is something I can do WITHOUT a degree! I could have done it this year but decided that uni was the right option. I love to study and I really want a degree. However I can get the same job without one so it's really distressing because I WANT to be worked hard!! Sorry I'm rambling, I'm trying to explain myself but I'm not sure it makes sense haha!
Also I LOVE the shorter terms!!!! It's bliss!! Half time at uni half time at home!!! That also helps with the sister problem bcos I wouldn't feel so guilty or miss her as much bcos I can easily count down the days. Whereas at Bristol I only have a few weeks for Easter and Christmas!

[BethMan]

Helbelle75 - thank you so much for sharing. That definitely helps put things in perspective and give a little more context to the situation. I need to stop thinking about the norm and what others are doing and just do what makes me happy. Thank you.

[BethMan]

Koshamangsho - I don't put any pressure on her at all. I've simply been trying to get her use to the idea that I will be away for quite a while but that she will see me at Christmas and Easter etc which is enough to get her emotionally worked up. I only bring it up rarely in order to get her used to it because I know it will be tough on the both of us.
I know I will have to leave her some day but in all honesty I really need it to be worth it & Bristol doesn't seem worth it to me. I've just said it in a reply to someone else but essentially I will get the same job after uni as I can get now - that's just how it works in media with traineeships. However, I love to study and I love academia which is almost a burden because the cost of education is ridiculous nowadays and I could just start on a Traineeship now instead of almost wasting three years. However as I love studying I thought Bristol was a good place to do this but after speaking to some people on the course it seems that they barely have any work and although they enjoy the uni the course just isn't very challenging. This is so disheartening since that's the sole reason I'm going to uni. Oxbridge in no way will ever be easy, and I like that, doing three essays a week and really going into depth is worth it to me. Not to mention the shorter terms. Half time at home, half time at uni, perfect for me! It will of course still be hard but it's a stepping stone to where I need to be. I can also take the time to get my stupid head sorted and work out why I'm so afraid of leaving home. You're right - it may well be an excuse to put off uni for another year and stay in my comfort zone, however, I don't think going to a uni I'm not happy at will help much either. I have no idea how any of this will turn out or if I'm convincing myself of things just to stay at home etc, I really don't. But the above is the most pragmatic way I can think of it.

[DameSylvieKrin]

Don't go this year. Spend the year doing some kind of work and getting treatment for your anxiety. Apply to a small Oxbridge college — their pastoral care is great in my experience, and you'll only have to be away for 8 weeks at a time.
Oxbridge is great when you're a few years older than the others. You'll appreciate the opportunities more and your perspective will be more mature.

[BethMan]

Thanks Cloudpop - I'm currently looking into London unis to see if any will take me at this late stage! UCL is a no but perhaps KCL!

[BethMan]

Woodencat - they're not so much dictating. It's just that since I received good grades they think it would be silly to go to a lower uni, which I get. They also know that I love academia so I think they're just trying to make sure I go to one where there is enough work you know? I'm sure if I sat down with them and spoke about other unis they'd be upset but wouldn't stop me... problem is I want to go to a uni with a heavy work load! Haha. It's more that I'm afraid to leave home. !

[BethMan]

DameSlyvieKrin- thank you for your advice. I think that this does seem to be the most appealing option and make me the most happy. I was suppose to get support this year and really look into why I was so afraid to leave home but since I became so busy with work this year and nearly landed a big role uni was the last thing from my mind, as was my fear of leaving home! I need to make sure that I don't make the same mistake this year & seriously seek help for it otherwise it will never get better. It is so scary to admit that you have a problem though and it almost becomes so real the second that u agree to see someone. Thank you for ur advice. I need to find someone to speak to.

[IncrediblySturdyPyjamas]

Hi

I didn't go to uni until my 30s.

It was fine.

The time isn't right. Try again in a few years as a mature student, closer to home.

[MrsEricBana]

Reading all of the above I agree with DameSylvieKrin and I don't think Bristol is right for you at all (not collegiate or even campus, not historic, not the right level of academia for you, not London/Oxbridge, not great pastoral care). Good luck, hope it works out for you.

[WoodenCat]

Well of your parents recommend a work heavy university course it doesn’t sound like Bristol is the right option at all now you’ve done more research. From what I know Bristol has quite a party reputation and the city aspect doesn’t sound like it would suit you at all. Looking for historic accommodation shows you have different priorities too. Better that you take a year out to get on top of things, do more research into a better fit of course and university (if not Oxford then Durham perhaps if you want small and collegiate) etc than waste a year of funds and great more anxiety for yourself into the bargain.

[MarchingFrogs]

Reading all of the above I agree withDameSylvieKrinand I don't think Bristol is right for you at all (not collegiate or even campus, not historic, not the right level of academia for you, not London/Oxbridge, not great pastoral care).

All of the above having been a fact for all to see since before the OP applied, though? It does seem that not much research was done by anyone concerned pre-application. The only person I know at Bristol followed an older sibling there and absolutely loves the place, but given the awful impression of the university given in the media re student suicides, it does seem an odd institution for the parents actively to push onto a DD prone to anxiety. I have no idea whether its English department is up there, second only to Oxbridge - if it is, though, the low-even-for-a-non-laboratory-subject workload can't be that detrimental. And again, contact hours and the amount of private study expected are the kind of thing that you ask about at an open day or at least at the applicant day, if you apply regardless and get an offer?

I would definitely agree that Bristol is not and probably wasn't ever, the place for the OP to go.

[BethMan]

IncredibleSturdyPyjamas - thank you so much for sharing, it makes me feel a lot better to know that u can go to uni at any age! It's completely up to the individual ! Xx

[BethMan]

MrsEricBana - thank you so much for all of your advice and continued help! I really appreciate the time and effort you've put into helping me. Thank you. You've given me the confidence to reapply to Oxbridge and made me not think I'm just completely mad to still want to reapply at 19! It feels as though it is the right place for me and Oxford was most definitely the only place I could see myself. Thank you again. Xx

[BethMan]

Wooden Cat - thank you. I definitely can see now that Bristol is not the right place for me. I have looked at Durham too actually but it is quite far however hopefully I can get over my anxiety this year or at least work on it so I'm not so restricted in my choices next year! Thank you for all of your help. I really appreciate it. Xx

[BethMan]

Wooden Cat - sorry yes just to add- what do u take from me looking at historic accommodation? I would like to see your take before I share what I think haha! Xx

[BethMan]

MarchingFrogs - I did see all of this before I applied and even wanted to reapply to Oxbridge last year but didn't have the confidence to do so. I really wish I had and really don't want to once again regret my decision not to. I was aware of Bristol's party vibe but there's always going to be that at uni and thought I'd just have to mix with the right people and kind of hope for the best. Honestly I looked into every uni SO MUCH. I made soooooo many information packs, I had folders detailing each course, accommodation, surrounding area etc etc. HOWEVER, stupidly !!!! I didn't think to talk to the students! Lol. I spoke to professors and academic staff but of course they just want to sell the uni to u! The students are the ones actually experiencing the degree but it just slipped my mind to ask them! Bristol sold itself SO WELL on the open day that I just thought this is the place to be, the course seemed okay, it seemed intense, I really liked the content but after speaking to students that has all changed. I also put my whole scared of leaving and being prone to anxiety at the back of my mind! I tried to push it away and pretend like it didn't exist so didn't bother looking at pastoral care. I was just too scared to admit it.
My parents leave me to my own devices - they always have. They're fine with whatever I do as long as it is productive, they come with me to open days a few times and looked at my personal statement once or twice but they didn't really actively look at my application or where I was applying, surprisingly I'm a very independent person haha! I just have this awful anxiety about being away from home. My parents love me to death and want the best for me but they know that I like to do things myself. Odd that I can't go to uni and do that though! However I think the Oxbridge system would fit me so much better, having an almost family life in the colleges whilst also being independent in ur studies and pushing yourself, yet also having tutorials every week were your tutor checks on ur academic progress and essays etc! Also great pastoral care so that I can get the help I need when moving away. This is all on the off chance that I get in though because bloody hell is it hard to!

[MrsEricBana]

Hi again OP, good plan. Go for it! Do you know why your application there before was not successful? I have a family friend doing English at Oxford who is simply absorbed by literature/theatre/film etc and another with 5A* would you believe who didn't get in for the same course as she wasn't the right fit (she didn't live and breathe books). If you do that will shine through! Good luck.