Can't leave for uni. Too Scared.

[BethMan]

Hi all.
I currently hold a place to study at the University of Bath for English. I turned 19 in May. I took a year out because I wanted to have a year to work and grow up a bit/gain some more experience in the English Department. I was so scared about going to uni last year that weeks before I was crying and having panic attacks every two seconds. I couldn't cope at all, was an absolute mess. It made me PSYCHICALLY ill. I would literally puke when I thought about leaving and just couldn't handle it at all. However, I've had a wonderful year off. I've worked really hard and gained so many contacts in London (where I live) I've worked for the BBC and The Telegraph. I have honestly had the best year. Then suddenly all my friends came back from uni for summer and I had to get back into that mindset again. I was so happy and now suddenly I am back to being scared, anxious and constantly just having my thoughts consumed by uni and that's it, I have work to hand in at my internship and I can't even do any of it because my thoughts are too consumed by uni. I've grown so much this year and I was offered a big job and was set to do that instead of go to uni, however the job sadly fell through so now my only option is to go uni. My issue is - I KNOW I won't be able to cope. Whenever I go away from home I panic and end up coming back. I went to America for a week with friends and had panic attacks every day and had to just lie in bed in the hotel room because I couldn't face being so far from home, the same when I went to Amsterdam and Prague! Essentially, I'm a homebird. I also have a 7 year old sister who I love so dearly. We are so close and I don't know what I would do without her. She is the best thing that ever happened to me and it would kill me to be away from her. I don't want to miss her growing up.
However, having said alllllll of this, I STILL long for the uni experience - not so much the drinking and clubbing because I hate that but the growing up, becoming an individual, LEARNING!
I loved bath when I went to visit. It is beautiful and the accommodation I would be living in is so historic and beautiful! The department for English was also really good and I looked at societies that really excited me too. All of those things make we want to go and I KNOW I should go, I know. However, even writing this right now is making me cry. So pathetic.
However, my other option is that if I'm lucky to get my place back at UCL which is currently my insurance I can live in London and still be with my family. I would move out into halls so that I still get some of the student experience but still only be a tube ride away from my parents, which makes me feel so much better. I'm about to sound really arrogant, but I almost wish I didn't get really good grades (A A A*) because then I could just pick a uni that was closer to home and have the best of both worlds. However I have academic pressure on me which I don't mind because I love academia! I'm just worried that if I do get a place at UCL I will hate it and be miserable because I've grown up in London and know it so well. Although haven't grown up in central London but the suburbs! I don't know. Sorry I'm rambling. I have read other threads and people have always commented like you need to go and you will settle in etc etc and even though I know this is a possibility, I think I have some serious mental issues when it comes to leaving home. Honestly I feel like I'm drowning. I can't stop crying until I am HOME. I can't explain it enough, I cannot be away from home without having a complete mental breakdown - it's not just how most students feel like missing home a little bit and maybe visiting some weekends etc, for me it's like panic attack all day everyday and I KNOW I will just get on the train or in my car and drive straight back home if I feel that way and then I will be a complete failure. It's occurring to me now that perhaps I should see psychologist, but it's a little late for that with uni only a few weeks away. Oh god. What do I do.

[BubblesBuddy]

Museumum: you really don’t understand anxiety do you?!! It’s not rational. That’s the point. Everyday things can be overwhelming. My DD has had to get out of taxis, cancel evenings out and has just been too anxious to continue what she’s doing. If you met her you would think she was confident, intelligent and perfectly ok. But anxiety can really bring you down and you don’t know when it’s going to happen. The op knows what triggers it so she can avoid it, to some extent, by living at home. However it’s very difficult to get help and I guess if you have never seen it, you might not understand how it can stop people in their tracks. You cannot just pull yourself together!

[Movablefeast]

Is it possible to go through Clearing and get a spot at a Uni in London? There have been articles in the papers this week saying there are a lot of unfilled spots so this year an unusually large amount of Uni places will be available during Clearing.

Maybe you could call Uni departments in London in your subject, see if they would accept your qualifications and ask if they could offer you a spot during Clearing?

[Movablefeast]

Oh OP sorry skimread your first post, can’t you just go to UCL as you’ve mentioned, that sounds like a much better fit for your situation.

[Loopytiles]

Are you receiving support for your mental health? If so, suggest discussing this with professionals: if not, suggest seeking support, eg from student MH services if you do move to Bath. MH issues are likely to affect you whatever you decide with respect to further study, paid work or where you live.

[museumum]

@bubblesbuddy I know the op can’t just pull herself together which is why I can’t understand why she’s literally making herself vomit about going away to bath when there are multiple world class universities she wouldn’t have to leave Homs to go to. Why put herself through that?

[SilverBuckles]

so now my only option is to go uni

No, it isn't. And you really shoudn't go. The way you're writing about it, it will be a waste of time for you and your tutors. Keep working, and get some therapy to sort out why you are so affected by a fairly normal rite of passage in a young person's life.

But don't go to university. There are many many other things to do in this world. I speak as someone who never left university, and have made my career there. BUt it's not for everybody.

[anniehm]

Consider living at home. Moving away at 18/19 isn't right for everyone. My daughter is staying at home for similar reasons, studying isn't the problem it was dealing with halls of residence that was a no, and then with medication to manage and her specialists, much easier not to move (she can move in with friends in later years anyway)

[NiceCardigan]

But there is no English department at Bath university.

[BethMan]

Thank you so much for everybody's replies. They have helped tremendously. I'm still unsure as to what to do but it is so lovely that so many people have sent such wonderful advice and seem to truly care. It has really help to comfort me and feel as though I'm not just drowning alone in my head. I have a lot to think about. I do really think I need to talk to an expert about this. I've been putting it off for ages but I need to address the problem, sadly it won't magically go away. Just as an edit - for some reason every time I wrote 'Bristol' autocorrect must have changed it to Bath?? Very odd. I was rambling too much to notice! But yes it would be Bristol not Bath. Thanks again to everyone. The advice and words of comfort have really made me feel a lot better.

[BethMan]

Yes! Sorry. If you read the message I posted it was meant to say Bristol but for some reason changed it to bath??

[Clankboing]

I think you should try UCL. You are very lucky to live near to it / be able to go to it as I know that I could not afford accomodation in London for my children. But do try to deal with the anxiety.

[BethMan]

I was really thinking maybe I should just go to Bristol and immediately console a counsellor and just hope they can work me through it without me completely losing my mind. However! after looking on their website to see what services they have in place it says that you will have to wait between a month to 5 months (!!!!) to see a counsellor! God I would be lucky if I made it through the night without having a mental breakdown, how can students be expected to wait up to 5 months and even then not be able to see someone? That wasn't very nice to see at all. I wish I had worked through my problems this year and seen a counsellor when I had the chance, a gap year is a perfect time to. However, as I had been offered this big job back in DECEMBER only a few months into my gap year, uni was the last thing on my mind and I just knew I had to take the job and work out uni later. The job was suppose to start in July, however it fell through for various reasons and now I'm back to square one, the exact same position of shitting myself for uni as last year! God I wish I had sought the help I needed. Oddly, I originally applied for Oxford and had an interview but no place offered afterwards. It's really hard to explain but for me as a person (and be warned this is very stupid!!) I have to think something is WORTH it enough to do it - it's going to get stupid in a second hold on. SO if I had got a place at Oxford I KNOW as scared as I was for uni or however many panic attacks I have or as many times as I puke from stress it is bloody worth it because it is OXFORD! As much as I miss my sister, I know that this could help both our futures and could mean so much. HOWEVER this is not to say that Oxford would give me more graduate prospects than Bristol or UCL. OR that it is in any way better - as in many ways it's really not (academically of course it is) but it's the fact that to ME Oxford it WORTH the stress, the illness etc etc. I just think Bristol is not. I love the course, but I also love the course at UCL, and at UCL it is more intense - which is what I love. I love to work hard. I LOVE academia - If I didn't like studying and learning and writing essays then I would just say SOD IT and go do an apprenticeship instead but in some silly silly way I feel cursed that I enjoy studying because I already have my foot in the door and could actually manage without a degree and continue with different internships in media and english companies. However I don't want to regret not having the uni experience and god I miss school so much because of all the studying and teachers etc etc! I wish I could go back. But yes to conclude, I'm still very much confused and rundown from all the worrying, curled up in bed finishing my article for work and have a cup of tea comforting me. It's very hard to talk about this with my mum and dad because they think I'm so strong and independent and would be throwing my life away purely because of anxiety etc etc.... so it's lovely to have mums and others who are really here for me. Thank you again. I feel as though I've just had a massive hug from lots of mums, and it feels wonderful

[Loopytiles]

Don’t discount seeking mental health support because of potential waiting times. Seeing your GP to discuss the impact anxiety and panic attacks have on your life would be a good start. If you have money, or your parents do, talking therapies are available privately.

It sounds like you put extreme pressure on yourself.

With respect to your degree choice, why not investigate entry requirements in your preferred industries?

Are the internships unpaid? I ask because the industries you mention are renowned for poor practice towards people seeking a start. You need realistic info about the future prospects of paid work with and without a degree.

One risk with staying local for university could be that avoiding things can sometimes make anxiety worse.

[Au79]

I have one dd with anxiety who hates holidays and the other who won’t be bothered and is hoping to get into uni in another country ASAP! There is no one solution that fits everyone.

I feel like you need to stop beating yourself up and try to build up your confidence now. You have great grades and you have made a success of your gap year. Spend time with your supportive friends and family and be strong- if you feel able to make the decision in time to go, fine but if not I think the deadline and time pressure is messing with your mind! Try to find a different path that suits YOU. “Everyone does x” is a myth, this is just a shirt stage in a long life. Overcoming challenges is all very well but this has become a monster In Your mind, it seems To me.

[thejeangenie36]

UCL is a great University. You are not restricted to universities you originally applied to via UCAS. A lot of universities, including very good ones (and you have lots of good ones near you) will be recruiting students through Clearing this year as there's fewer 18 year olds, so a scramble between the universities for students. With those grades and your experience I would think many would be keen to snap you up!

[BubblesBuddy]

Yes you can access Private therapy quite quickly and I’m sure talking can help. The bigger problem is moving on if it’s felt you need it. You may not and if you can stay at home, that will help you get started. Please do.

[HingleMcCringleberry]

You’ve got good grades - why not apply to Oxford or Cambridge again? Then you’d have that year to get yourself help, with the possibility of a degree from Oxbridge waiting for you at the end?

[BethMan]

So I emailed UCL a few days ago and just got an email back saying that they are unable to accept my application at this late stage. I know there are so many good unis in London but my parents would only be happy with me either going to Oxbridge, UCL or Bristol - and MAYBE if I'm lucky Kings College London who I've also emailed and may have a chance of getting in through adjustment.
I really don't know what to do if I don't get a place at Kings. Is it really ridiculous to take another year out and reapply for Oxbridge? I would then be going to university at 20, my friends would be graduating the year after I start lol! It would give me time to work through my problems though ahhh but even the thought of it makes me feel so silly! taking two gap years. How ridiculous! do I just need to buckle up and go to Bristol? Yet the mere thought of it is making me shiver. God I don't know. I addressed it in my original post but the other thing that is massively weighing on me is leaving my little sister. We are so close and I'm crying just thinking about it. I adore her. Are there any mums that can help me with this issue? I really don't think I am strong enough to leave her and I don't miss to miss her growing up. She's only 7, she doesn't really understand. I know she's not my child and I have to live for me and she's not my responsibility but god I love her so much.

[MrsEricBana]

I am a bit confused about all this as no English dept at Bath, freshers at Bath/Bristol don't get "historic" accommodation etc. But assuming these are just errors, I'd say an apprenticeship in London is probably the way to go.

[juneau]

OP, you sound totally overwhelmed and that's not the right mindset to be in before setting off for university. It's like you're already prepared to fail, already preparing to get in the car and drive home, etc.

Please make an appointment to go and see your GP today. Ring them up and ask for a double appointment, because a single one is only 10 mins long and it won't be long enough. You need help right now with your anxiety.

And no, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world for you to take a second year out. In fact, I think it could be just what you need. You can get help for your anxiety and this pressure you feel to make a decision and be ready for uni in Oct, only two months away, will go away. You have fabulous grades, any uni will probably fall over itself to have you, but you need some time to get your mental health sorted out and you need to feel 100% comfortable with the uni you're going to attend. I wish your parents would back off too with their expectations, as that seems to be feeding into your feelings of anxiety. Could you talk to them and tell them how this pressure is making you feel? Go and see the GP first anyway, defer your place at Bristol for a further year, and focus on getting your MH sorted.

[Aethelthryth]

You will need to work though this anxiety at some point; and you seem to believe that you would have been able to if you were at Oxford. If that's the case then you can do the same at Bristol. Try thinking through why the idea of leaving home is so scary: what bad things do you really think will happen? Will they really? What can you do to make yourself more comfortable about each specific thing?

You are clearly a bright and capable person and I think you will regret the lost opportunity if you don't tear yourself away from home for a few weeks. You are not going to the South Pole and you are not going for ever. You will be going to an environment where you will be doing something you love and where everyone is in the same boat: it's probably the easiest way to leave home gently; and you will have to do so at some point. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh; but I think in the long run you will have been glad to have taken the plunge

[BethMan]

Hi EricBana!

If you look at my more recent messages you'll see that I meant Bristol but for some reason it was changed to Bath. The Accommodation at Bristol is incredible. I will attach a few pictures. I have also been looking into apprenticeships but I am really torn because I don't want to miss the uni experience, not the drunken clubbing one because I hate that but the experience of learning and gaining a degree - especially considering the fact that I got good grades (I really am trying my hardest not to sound arrogant in this but it so hard over the internet!!) but yes it almost feels like a step down in some weird way - I'm also not too sure that my parents would be very happy about it. Oh I've just found that as I'm a new user I'm not allowed to post images - however if u type in wills hall, goldney, Clifton hill house you will see but a few of the wonderful accommodation Bristol has available!!!

[BethMan]

Juneau - perhaps you are right. Unfortunately I'm staying at my aunties this week due to it being much closer to work so I don't have access to my gp or to talk to my parents. I do really need to consider taking another year out though. It just sounds so ridiculous in my head but perhaps that's my parents talking lol. Thank you for your advice.

[FlyMaybe]

Lots of ignorance about Anxiety on this thread. It is distressing, debilitating and it sucks. My DD has severe Anxiety. She was diagnosed during sixth form at school.

Thanks to the excellent help and support she received from her university, she was able to stick out her course and graduated this year with a first. She had a support worker at uni who helped her immensely. She knew if she had a meltdown, me or her father would get into a car and drive to her if she needed us.

OP the best thing you can do is to get an official diagnosis from your GP. Then speak to the student support service at the unis you are considering. They will help you with all manner of things, from sorting out accommodation (my DD managed to stay in the same halls room for her entire course) to advising teaching staff of your condition (so strategies can be put in place for you to get the most out of your course without triggering meltdowns).

Good luck with the applications - once you get a diagnosis, make sure you mention it. Anxiety is now recognised as a disability, and in our experience, allowances are made.

[BethMan]

Aethelthryth - I think it's just that I will miss my family so dearly. Specifically my little sister - I'm so scared to leave her and really don't want to miss her growing up. I also feel so sorry and sad to leave her because she always begs me not to when I broach the subject to her. It's really distressing. It's making me cry as I type. I do know I need to take the plunge but I don't know how. I know for a fact I will breakdown the second I'm there and want to drive right back home - it's not me just predicting a silly thing or setting myself up for failure but rather is from all the times it's happened before. I know how my mind works perhaps not why but how.