The bank of Mum and Dad is running dry

[Isabelle112]

DS, second year uni. Spending hard. His loan for this term has almost disappeared and it was pretty generous to start with. We pay his monthly rent.

He hasn't learnt any lessons, it seems, from last year. Night clubs, bars, pretty pricey clothes and haircuts at almost £50 a time.The money is disappearing and he's hinting that he'll want a fair amount for his birthday (very soon) for more clothes etc. Last year, we bailed him out again and again and vowed we wouldn't do so to that extent again, barring an emergency. He seemed to agree and see the sense of it when he started the second year.

I work f-t and have a p-t job and DH is on a very low wage. We're also supporting another DS who's graduated but barely working at the moment.

Uni DS doesn't have a job and is usually very reluctant to work during the holidays. This Christmas he'll have an excuse, I suppose - in January he has to re-take a first year exam which he failed - he also failed the Summer re-sit and this will be his final chance. That and year 2 Spring exams.

I think he's studying but it worries the hell out of me that he's spending so much and is out so much - he had promised us that this year would be different. That in the second year he'd actually budget and restrict going out to meals and bars etc to reasonable limits.

Apparently, he now has a pretty substantial o/d and although I don't obviously know the exact state of his account, I think there isn't much left of the loan.

To be honest, we're pretty skint - money is tight. I know tough love is the answer but what I do I do when DS tells me, possibly sooner rather than later, that his money has run out or he's reached his o/d limit? I'm prepared to give him £50.00 for his birthday (Christmas is coming) but he's going to expect a great deal more, I fear.

Any suggestions as to how to cope and what to do? DH and I work our socks off but our DSs have, very sadly, rarely felt compelled to do so themselves. Many thanks.

[bloodyteenagers]

It's not 3.5k a year. Outside of London it's up to 8.4k a year. And 11k a year for London.
If he wants more than potentially 700 a month, then he can look for a part time job, just like millions of students do.

[BackforGood]

bloody - that depends on what your parents earn.
My ds gets a little over £3500 per year (might be £3700 ? not looked it up recently). Parents are expected to provide the rest.

[confuugled1]

If he has a Sainsbury's nearby, they do a card for parents and students so you both have one and the parent can put money onto it for their student child... I guess the idea is that mum and dad can top it up when they do 5he weekly shop and for Sainsbury's it means that they get a bit extra cash from you.

But in this sort of situation it could be good as you could put an agreed amount on each week so you would know he had enough for basic food, soap etc but he couldn't spend it on designer haircuts and other luxuries. Maybe you coukd give it to him as a birthday present and say that he'll get his birthday present as £5/week for the next 10 weeks to help him value it...

Sounds like he hasn't paid you back for any of his excess spending. You could maybe tell him that things are very tight for you and your dh at the moment so you would appreciate him letting you know when he is going to pay you back the extra money that you have had to use to bail him out, what timescale and what his plans are to get the money to do this.

Eg Say you think the boiler needs to be replaced or the car needs a repair or something big but boring but necessary and soonish, so it"s something he can't dismiss in his own mind and would explain why you are not in a position to just pay for it - he needs to get that you have used your emergency funds to bail him out so you don't have them any more, even if this is a bit of a stretch of the truth. Even if you don't plan on actually making him pay you back it will hopefully make him stop and think for a bit. And when you say £50 only for his birthday it will sound a whole lot better than paying you back.

Hopefully you have already told him he is not getting bailed out again.

Can you get him to write down everything he spends his money on as he goes, show him a similar sort of budget for your household (pointing out the lack of money for designer hair cuts etc) and help him to work out what he needs to be spending on a daily, weekly and monthly basis to see what is reasonable. Im sure you have probably done this before with him but maybe throw not being at uni, no grant or student overdrafts and the like to scare him abouthow it could get worse (especially remembering to put a payment to you in, even if you don't want to claim it from him yet).

[bloodyteenagers]

That's why I put up to.
It also depends on the type of course. If the student has caring responsibilities, a disability, estranged from their parents and other criteria.

Op, you can also go onto the student finance website, they have a calculator and you can see potentially how much finance he is getting.

[SparklesandBangs]

DC1 is at uni and has never had a job whilst studying, however in her final A level year she saved up her allowance and birthday/Christmas money incl money she got for her 18th ready for uni. Then this summer between yr1 &2 she got a local job in a factory, whilst revising for her retakes and will do the same again next year, hopefully without the retakes.
She has chosen to manage her own money and let us pay the rent, if she was struggling to manage I would switch this around without hesitation.

She doesn't have £50 haircuts, when she was home for the summer she modelled for the local hairdresser to get highlights and a good trim for £10, if I am feeling generous I may pay for her to gave a trim when she is home at Christmas or maybe she'll wait until Easter

[normastits5]

I am frankly amazed at this thread! Why on earth would your DS get a job or curb his spending or learn to budget? What is in it for him? He is allowed to squander his parents hard earned money on £50 hair cuts , building up huge debts on a fabulous life style , knowing that his parents will simply pay the bills eventually. If he has no idea of the value of money it's about time he learned. Please stop paying everything except rent explaining that the money fairy is dead and that he will have to find a job or quit university or whatever, but this cannot continue. Then I would make damn sure that DS 2 learns the value of money pretty sharpish so that you don't have to go through this all over again. Tough love is the best love if they actually learn from it surely? Good luck op & give yourself a break!!

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Mine just get the £3700. We top them up with another £4500. They find it tight and they have to budget, certainly no expensive clothes and £50 haircuts. But they do like to go out and have fun, so they work a bit for extras.

DD1 has had loads of job; currently she's registered with a couple of bar agencies and picks up shifts when her studies allow. DS1 does a paid sports related thing as and when he can fit it in. They both do the student ambassador thing on open days, which is quite well paid. Actually even sixth former DD2 has a job.

I'm always berating mine for spending too much on going out. But at least they earn it themselves.

[peteneras]

".. in January he has to re-take a first year exam which he failed - he also failed the Summer re-sit and this will be his final chance."

Oh, I'm so surprised, poor kid. But I'm sure everything will turn out fine in the end. Just carry on as it were. . .

Come on, get a grip. The writing's on the wall. Don't live your life in self denial. He's not going to uni. . . he's on to a permanent great big party having a swell time. £50 a haircut whilst mum and dad working their guts out. . .

[notangelinajolie]

I think it is time to tell him he's a grown up and he should start behaving like one. My eldest dc is 23 and worked and paid for herself all through uni and that includes (with the help of a grant) rent. He can do it, it is possible - he's taking advantage of your kindness and trying to guilt trip you into funding his out of control lifestyle. You are doing him no favours and he's acting like a selfish, spoilt child. Look at my 83 year old mother and 45 year old brother for inspiration on how not to do it. She still gives him money and sadly he still takes it. He pays no rent. Nothing. After uni he went back home and he's still there. My mother still says awwww he's a single lad, he's very popular, he needs to go out ..... pathetic more like.

[FSVC]

I think there's a more pressing issue here. Why is he doing so badly? Hates his course? Hates uni generally, hasn't made decent friends? Finding it too hard? Or just doesn't want to grow up so living in denial?
I'd be trying to have a heart to heart about what's really going on. Lots of people fail an exam or whatever but that's usually a wake up call - doesn't sound like he's faced up to his responsibility at all.
He could be depressed, I had a lovely uni housemate whose room was chaos and overdraft was £££ on going out, etc. She managed to scrape through but was definitely very unhappy at heart and spent to cheer herself up. She always paid her rent though!
He could also be an over indulged baby, or six of one and half a dozen of the other.
whatever it is don't give him any extra money! He needs to stay in and study if he wants to finish his degree, so I'd send him some value beans etc but not cash. If he's very unhappy maybe he needs to leave uni and come home.
Good luck, sounds like a tough one.

[FSVC]

Also £50 for a present is plenty unless you are Alan sugar!

[ToastByTheCoast]

I have sympathy as have one who is partying in similar fashion but clearly you can't go on like this. For comparison, mine has the standard student loan (all used on advance rent/inclusive bills) paid termly, plus grant of just under £4000 (low income/lone parent) whuch he uses for living and travel expenses. Although it comes in different ways, this must be around the same in total as your son. Mine also has a part-time job bringing in round £2,000 pa on top, which makes all the difference, but occasionally I still have to top up with the odd £20 or food shop just before payday. And the paying next year/terms rent in advance...again that is an area where I think most parents have to help until the student loan for that period arrives. The job is great as not only does it bring him income, but it stops him partying/spending on those nights and less of a hangover next day...so a can be more positve for studies than you would think. If your DS feels a job would make him miss out on what is going on, then a bar job for one or two nights a week in a studenty pub/bar could be a halfway house. Still that buzz but earning, not spending.

Overall, I would be more worried here about the failed exams and not providing any more financial support until you know that he is working hard (and effectively) for them.....is the uni offering study support for example, is he doing past exam papers and getting them marked so he knows he is on track for his re-take? Maybe ring up and find out what support is on offer and insist he goes . Uni can seem like new long party but he can't lose sight of why he is there..... at the moment he is building up huge debt and costing you thousands with no outcome in sight. Because you are paying rent, it is hard for you to turn that tap off so if he is still there next year or even next term, I agree with other posters....make him pay his rent in advance from his loan, as soon as it arrives and your contribution is weekly living expenses. Good luck!

[lostinthedarkplayground]

Give him a YNAB subscription for his birthday. and inform him that you will be paying his top ups weekly for groceries, and teach him how to use the budgeting tool. Or get a weekly shop delivered, and don't give him money at all.
And if you don't use YNAB yourself, get a subscription too, so that you can budget what you can afford to pay him and no more.

[5to2]

He'll have to get a job and get real with his spending. You'll have to sit down and go through everything (financially and emotionally) with him and find out just how bad it is. Hopefully he'll feel better just having laid out all his cards on the table.

I was very lucky in the 90s that I had a grant which paid for accommodation but I also got a student loan for general living expenses which lasted me until just after Christmas in my first year! Then I quickly looked for a part-time job. My parents could only give me the odd tenner here and there. I worked for the rest of the year in a night club, 3 nights a week, 8pm until 3am which earned enough to cover living expenses (especially as I could now only go out 1 night a week as I was working Thursday, Saturday and Monday nights) and still passed all my exams and coursework. In the summer I got a job in a shop near 'home' and they had me back at Christmas, and then the next summer holidays. I also worked shifts in a restaurant I'd worked in while doing A-Levelsm. Working out of term time got me through the rest of my degree financially and I just came out with the student loan debt at the end. I still went out quite a lot and certainly had a lot of fun. Cooked a fair bit from scratch with my housemate, all veggie stuff and pretty healthy. Went to the gym a lot (it was ridiculously cheap).

If the worst comes to the worst, maybe he isn't cut out for going to university (yet). Another option is that he lives at home and works and studies part-time, which takes longer but there are other ways to getting a degree. I wish you luck anyway, OP, it's not an easy situation.

[eurochick]

It sounds like with the retakes he is about to drop out anyway so this situation will not carry on for much longer. If he does manage to pass you need to stop bailing him out. Uni is not just about the course, it's about gaining life skills. A big one of these is learning to budget. You are doing him a real disservice by being such a soft touch.

[ofudginghell]

I have an 18 year old ds who's on a college course and works part time earning a fairly decent amount (over £120 a week)

Up until the summer we were paying £80 a month for travel and letting him live rent free and eat me out of house and home and pretty much treat my home like a hotel.
A few situations over the summer made me realise as long as we allow it he will continue to take the piss.

We stopped paying the bus travel and I now expect £10 a week as a contribution towards living. We sat him down with a thing I had done to show him the real cost of living and how much he DOESNT support himself in the slightest and how it looks like he's taking the piss out of us all the time.
He's nearly 19 now and we have so far supported him through three years of higher education and he hasn't qualified in anything as of yet and if he carries on with the college results he's getting he won't finish this year.
As hard as it was we basically told him we will only continue with the free living if he achieves in the next three months a by far better result chart and if he doesn't then he will have no choice but to find a full time job and leave college.
I pointed out that he would have half the amount of disposable income if he worked full time as I expect him to support himself and so it's very simple.
Either buck up and start supporting yourself abit more and complete the course or leave college and support himself fully.

You need to have the conversation with your ds now so he has a chance to budget and tell him you will only be giving £50 for birthday and he needs to live like a student and not a king.
Make it very clear that if he runs out of cash he will need to get a job to fund himself as you will not be putting anymore money in his account.

My son has had 7 months (potentially earnt £1200-1500) to save £600 for his car insurance and has only started panicking about it in the last two weeks. He was moaning about how stressed he was and I reminded him it's his look out as he'd blown all his earnings and we refuse to bail him out. The realisation has set in now that we won't be bailing him out so he's learning the hard way but he's learning.
The best way to teach them is to pass the responsibility of THEIR financial situation into THEM as it's time for them to learn what life is like

[titchy]

To be blunt if he's failed two exams AND a resit he ain't gonna be at uni that much longer. All that money he'll have wasted...

[TheBackingSinger]

ofudginghell An 18 year old in college is not in higher education. You could still get Child Benefit up to their 19th birthday.

[Sofabitch]

You cant afford it. Apologise and tell him he needs to find a job.

[Sofabitch]

And to everyone suggestions g you manage his loan and budget it for him... how will that help him. Give him a fixed amount of help that you've agreed on and when it's gone it's gone. You don't learn to stop spending all your money at once until you've lived on pasta and beans for a few weeks because you spent it all.

He needs to learn to manage his money and prioritise. When he comes asking for more just say sorry my budget is sorted and there is no extras. Maybe you shouldn't have got that hair cut.

He isn't going to be homeless. He isn't going to actually starve. But it might be shitty enough to make him realise he is the one that has to take responsibility

[Floralnomad]

You need to tell him to get a job , in all likelihood he will not be at uni much longer and will just be sitting at home with a mass of debt . I do sympathise but there must be something in the way you bought them up that neither of your DSs have a very good work ethic and just think money is going to be handed to them .

[ofudginghell]

Well thanks for clearing that up the backing singer

Either way rather than picking at my post you could give a little constructive help to the op maybe?

[BusStopBetty]

He's behaving like a lazy, entitled little oik and needs to a. Budget and b. Get a job.

And don't let him bullshit you that there aren't any jobs. They might not be what he WANTS to do, but tough. Needs must. A few shifts in a factory or cleaning offices won't kill him.

[Kidnapped]

"Went to see him a few weeks ago - he hadn't unpacked from the start of term and his room was chaotic. We did something about all that as we couldn't bear to see the mess he was living in and I did wonder why he hadn't made any effort - what did this signify?

Yes, seasonal jobs. I think we should fix him up with something part-time at home but there's every chance that he'll object."

Stop. Stop tidying his room for him and stop finding him a job.

You wonder why he didn't make an effort to clean his room? Because he was waiting for you to come and do it, of course. Duh.

Let him fail his exams again. Let him live in squalor. Let him learn from his actions.

He is on track to have an unhappy life if you don't stop enabling him.

[grandmainmypocket]

You tell him he needs to buck up, stop spending money or he can go and get a job.
The fact that he's failing so many exams isn't a great sign either. He doesn't appreciate the money and effort you're putting in.
The real world doesn't reward us when we don't work hard. Stop rewarding him for poor behaviour.