Guest post: It's time to speak out for children of alcoholics

[MumsnetGuestPosts]

I loved my dad and he loved me. I still miss him every day - his dry sense of humour, his idealism and passion for the underdog, his advice and northern common sense. He gave me so much. But sadly, one of those things was a childhood coloured by the excesses of his drinking.

It's not something I'm used to talking about. As a child, I found it too embarrassing, and, in later years, too upsetting. But at Christmas, answering a routine media question about the billions that alcohol abuse costs the NHS and whether extra taxation is the answer, I found myself explaining that alcoholism is more complicated than that. How did I know? Because of my childhood.

My parents divorced when I was seven, when the strain of my dad's drinking became too much for their marriage. I was so lucky they were both such loving parents, but my life was changed. I lived during the week with my mum - who worked all the hours she could to give me the best possible life - and the weekends were always spent with my dad.

It was when he was living alone, continuing his job as a casino croupier and with a succession of short-lived girlfriends, that the true extent of his alcohol dependence became clear to me. One Friday, I remember him picking me up at the school gate to walk me home, but immediately falling over because he was so drunk. I had to go to a phone box and order us a taxi.

There, the fridge was almost always empty except for huge bottles of cheap white wine. At the age of eight, it almost felt like my job to get the food in. I remember one December going to the corner shop to buy decorations just so his home would vaguely feel like the Christmas we were about to share together.

His drinking ebbed and flowed, depending on what girlfriend he was with at the time, but it was always a constant feature. He was never violent or abusive with it, but I still quickly learnt the mechanisms to cope with living with someone who was seldom sober.

In later years my dad retired and moved to the Far East. When I invited him back for my wedding, proud to show him what I'd done with my life and introduce him to my wife, he refused to come, and I felt heartbroken and angry. I only learnt a few months later - after he had died in Thailand - that he didn't come because he was worried he would embarrass me with his drinking on our big day.

Since I found myself speaking up about my experiences, I've been inundated with messages from people who grew up in similar circumstances thanking me for talking about the experiences we share. And having felt a bit embarrassed and exposed talking about my childhood secrets, those messages have encouraged me to push this further.

The truth is it would be easy for me as Shadow Health Secretary to spend my time simply criticising the government, but I want to do something more than that. Experts estimate that over 2 million children in Britain are growing up with an alcoholic parent. And yet too often these children have to cope with that in silence, exactly the way I did, with no support or recognition. It's time these children were given the support they deserve and need. So I hope Mumsnet readers will join me with in speaking up for the children of alcoholics, by sharing your own stories and working with me on finding solutions.

The journey starts today, Thursday 2 February, when we are holding a debate in Parliament on the issue.

Some of the ideas we are looking at include better specialised training for professionals to support children in these kinds of households, and also ensuring that councils are funded at a level which allows them to reach out to families affected by alcoholism through schools, community nurses and SureStart children's centres.

And of course we need to look at the root of the problem by doing more to combat alcohol abuse across society. We've made so much progress in the last two decades getting the message out about how much damage smoking does, not just to you, but the people around you. By comparison, on an issue like alcoholism, we are nowhere near the public debate we need to have on what we might call 'secondary drinking'.

My experience with my dad left me feeling not damaged but determined, and I think it has helped shape who I am today. But others will not have been so lucky. So my message to children growing up or caring for alcoholic parents is this: you're not alone. I thought I was. Speak to someone about it – whether it's a teacher or a relative or family friend. Other people will help – just don't do it all by yourself.

[LexieLulu]

Daughter of an alcoholic mother here, who died due to her illness 3 years ago when I was only 26. My sister was 16, a child who had only ever know my mum as an alcoholic, it pains me as at least I have some memories of earlier days when she was a "good mum".

It has completely scarred my life, but I use my experiences to be a better mother. I make a massive deal out of birthdays (I recall as a teenager, my mum forgetting my birthday, either that or she'd spent all her money on vodka), and Christmas. Even as a child, these were the time of year that hurt the most.

I remember being too scared to call anyone, my family kept it a hidden secret from the rest of the world, I felt like I couldn't talk. At her funeral it was still kept vague to what she died of, and donations were asked to be given to a cancer charity (she had battled cancer years before). Why is there such stigma? Why do families feel like it's there fault? I(we) tried to help her, but she didn't want help.

Part of me is relieved she is no longer abusing me (mentally and physically) as she had done throughout my teenage years, and I'm glad she's not around my children. If only things had been different hey? X

[ManaFleet]

I'm reading this thread and realising just how lucky I am. Both my parents were alcoholics and I very much supported my mum until I was removed from the situation aged 9. My dad had left but was still in close contact. They were both so loving that I didn't even really realise that it wasn't normal. They were London media folk, with lots of socialising as part of the deal. My mum's drinking was a way of dealing with her depression. She had a breakdown when I was 9, and was sectioned. Whilst in months of treatment for her mental state, she was treated for her alcoholism. We always had such a close relationship but I never lived with her again. My dad is still a drinker but very highly functioning (professional, etc). I'm nevertheless entirely comfortable in social situations with him, just in case.

Looking back, we had an unbelievable amount of near misses. It's incredible that there wasn't a disaster. On several occasions my mum fell and banged her head or passed out, but there was always someone I could call for help. I say again how lucky I was but I feel so sad looking back at that little girl desperately trying to take care of - and cover up for - her beloved mummy. I feel so sad for my mum who simply could not fight the depression or the addiction and lost the right to live with her child. It's all so sad but could have been so much worse.

I struggled with a problematic relationship with booze for years, finally calling it a day about 7 years ago. I drink occasionally, in moderation but I absolutely do not trust myself. I am left with anxiety, paranoia and like many others, a fear of the phone ringing. This year, the first year of my child's life, is the year that I will start to address it all properly in therapy, to make sure history does not repeat itself.

[Skooba]

I wish we had never removed the booze licensing that resulted in it being sold in supermarkets instead of specific licensed premises.
It is now 'normal' to buy a few bottles of wine a week, in with the bread and the veg, we are a sophisticated western country so why not?
Freedom of choice and all that.
But that is 30 pounds extra on the weekly bill. That is people 'unwinding' every day with a glass or 3. That is a poorer night's sleep, a good few extra calories, a slightly tipsy parent reading you your bed time story.
I struggle to see what is good about it.
If it is such a good thing and such a pleasure let people drive to the licensed premises to buy it. Look at the rules around buying and selling cigarettes, whilst the dangers of alcohol are deliberately ignored by gov.
It isn't just the alcoholic (but who decides where the line is drawn for that?) but people like me who struggle Not to drink every night. For the first time in decades I've not had a drink for best part of a week, and I hope to keep it up. I don't have small children, but there is no doubt many people like me who drink, but not too much, and function reasonably, but functioning reasonably isn't functioning well. It isn't functioning as the best parent you can be. But society at the moment condones this. Modern life is stressful but drinking isn't the solution.
My DF was an alcoholic btw.

[KM18]

Step Dad was an alcolholic, as a consequence mum suffered with depression, me, one of 4 siblings, our older sister taking on the role of 'mum' from age 9. It was embracessing growing up, both with neighbours and school friends, we never had anything, we were thin, but were always clean. We never knew when or what would happen when our step dad came home (he never abused us) it was the continued arguing, crying from mum, things being broken... us having to leave the house and walk round the streets until things had calmed down..etc. We all suffered.. looking back I'd wished there was something at school where I could have gone and not be judged, somewhere I felt useful, I knew I was loved by mum this is one thing she always showed us, I just needed some kid guidance and education on what was happening. The key is education for everyone, the government has totally stigmatised smoking, can't alcohol be next. We all became successful, , we still have our issues and life Continues a mental struggle.

[chocbisc]

My mother is an alcoholic. Our father enables this and sadly has proven himself as a weak person. The previous posts have really resonated with me, being described as being horrible, terrible children and people. the 4 of us went on to do masters degrees (entirely self funded) and none of us ever went off the rails in any shape or form.

Reflecting on my own childhood we would have appeared'normal' and would have always flown under the radar at school, keeping quiet and basically focusing on self preservation knowing what was going on at home.
I do think that my mother thrived on secrecy and I do think if the school had an inkling at the time that something was up and called her/them in and said that they were monitoring us as a point of concern it would have made a world of difference. My mother likes to keep up appearances and knowing that she was exposed by an authority figure be it school/clergy/police would shane her into recovery.
I strongly believe that allowing authorities to fire a warning shot i.e. speak to a family and give them the opportunity to rectify the situation prior to involving social services in any form would be a positive course of action to encourage children to speak up.

Also, as an adult I am a strong believer in talking therapy. However, it is expensive especially when paying for childcare etc. A subsidy to adult children of alcoholics to avail of talking therapies would be helpful in my eyes.
I think that perhaps my own mother was suffering from depression and decided to self-medicate with alcohol and pills which progressively got out of hand. I know that paying for therapy would have been too expensive for her.

[user1484485233]

I am the child of an alcoholic and an alcoholic myself in recovery (over five years sober). Yes, I agree all about the stigma... it stopped me getting help for many, many years. Please, this is a mental health issue - let us bring this problem out in the open. Also, can I remind everyone of The Fellowships.......... AA, and the support group for families Al Anon, and the support group for teenagers, AlAteen. The numbers are all readily available. They work. There is a solution out there if only people would take it.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

I also would speak up for the Fellowship of AA and all the groups linked to it. AA saved my life and allowed me to have my DC sober.

[LexieLulu]

Just on the mention of AA groups. Local groups here give alcoholics love to shop vouchers for attendance, these can be used in Iceland for alcohol.

Found that out from my mother

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

There was a MN webchat recently by the founder of Soberistas, a web based support group. I had a look at the site and though I'm sure some women will benefit, there's nothing there that AA doesn't offer, and AA is free.

[exWifebeginsat40]

AA saved my life, and i was the biggest cynic going.

[exWifebeginsat40]

chocbisc i think the idea of school/SS/GP contacting parents about concerns is a very good idea. i would worry though that for some families this might be dangerous.

i remember at school Al-Ateen came in. there were questionnaires and they seemed so lovely. i desperately wanted to ask them to help me, but i had been trained to keep smiling and never tell.

i don't know what the answer is. more services for recovery would be a good thing. i did an 8 week intensive outpatient course - it was amazing. the service that provided it lost funding, and i wonder how mental health services coped with a sudden influx of alcoholic clients.

[Caromay60]

I haven't read all the posts but so helpful that at least this is out in the open so again huge thanks to Jonathan Ashworth. I too could write the book - mother of 2 sons and wife of long term alcoholic. Out in the open and much more drink awareness and sensitivity would be great for all of society. Alcohol is taken for granted as OK but alcoholism and all its horrors and suffering is absolutely rife and often SO hidden and totally misunderstood. Just think of our language - bottles of wine as raffle prizes, cooking with alcohol "cheese and wine eyeing" etc etc. It's everywhere and if it could just be acknowledged eg in recipes such as Mary Berry the other day on Radio 4 [if only] - "and for those of you who can't use alcohol you can use ... instead" etc.

[JonathanAshworthMP]

Thanks again for all the supportive messages. I appreciate them so much and I'm reading them all. I'll also try to respond directly (when I learn how to do that on here!). Also I've posted this on my Facebook page - www.facebook.com/JonAshworth/videos/1889360027959067/

[Welshmamma]

My alcoholic ex always made us feel that we were to blame for his drinking. We made him stressed out so he drank. He manipulated us emotionally for years.
This has caused deep psychological scars on myself and my children. They have suffered with terrible anxiety and felt very insecure. This is improving now as he has no contact. The children's choice.
I feel that counselling would have been of great help. To help them see that alcoholism wasn't caused by us, it was their dads problem, and he inability to sort it out meant it was our problem.
I am all for AA or whatever groups help addicts but what about groups for children and partners.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

Welshmamma, AA has groups for children and partners. Al-anon for partners, Al-ateen for older children, though most people take younger children with them to Al-anon.

There are lots of groups, just look online, and it's free to attend, though most people put a quid or so in the pot.

[RosemaryLouise]

The support provided by Al-Anon and Alateen is a godsend. Free, based on the principles of AA but focusing on helping family members, work colleagues or friends affected by the drinking of an alcoholic. Contact your nearest Alanon group as they can do Public Outreach in schools, hospitals ...