Guest post: It's time to speak out for children of alcoholics

[MumsnetGuestPosts]

I loved my dad and he loved me. I still miss him every day - his dry sense of humour, his idealism and passion for the underdog, his advice and northern common sense. He gave me so much. But sadly, one of those things was a childhood coloured by the excesses of his drinking.

It's not something I'm used to talking about. As a child, I found it too embarrassing, and, in later years, too upsetting. But at Christmas, answering a routine media question about the billions that alcohol abuse costs the NHS and whether extra taxation is the answer, I found myself explaining that alcoholism is more complicated than that. How did I know? Because of my childhood.

My parents divorced when I was seven, when the strain of my dad's drinking became too much for their marriage. I was so lucky they were both such loving parents, but my life was changed. I lived during the week with my mum - who worked all the hours she could to give me the best possible life - and the weekends were always spent with my dad.

It was when he was living alone, continuing his job as a casino croupier and with a succession of short-lived girlfriends, that the true extent of his alcohol dependence became clear to me. One Friday, I remember him picking me up at the school gate to walk me home, but immediately falling over because he was so drunk. I had to go to a phone box and order us a taxi.

There, the fridge was almost always empty except for huge bottles of cheap white wine. At the age of eight, it almost felt like my job to get the food in. I remember one December going to the corner shop to buy decorations just so his home would vaguely feel like the Christmas we were about to share together.

His drinking ebbed and flowed, depending on what girlfriend he was with at the time, but it was always a constant feature. He was never violent or abusive with it, but I still quickly learnt the mechanisms to cope with living with someone who was seldom sober.

In later years my dad retired and moved to the Far East. When I invited him back for my wedding, proud to show him what I'd done with my life and introduce him to my wife, he refused to come, and I felt heartbroken and angry. I only learnt a few months later - after he had died in Thailand - that he didn't come because he was worried he would embarrass me with his drinking on our big day.

Since I found myself speaking up about my experiences, I've been inundated with messages from people who grew up in similar circumstances thanking me for talking about the experiences we share. And having felt a bit embarrassed and exposed talking about my childhood secrets, those messages have encouraged me to push this further.

The truth is it would be easy for me as Shadow Health Secretary to spend my time simply criticising the government, but I want to do something more than that. Experts estimate that over 2 million children in Britain are growing up with an alcoholic parent. And yet too often these children have to cope with that in silence, exactly the way I did, with no support or recognition. It's time these children were given the support they deserve and need. So I hope Mumsnet readers will join me with in speaking up for the children of alcoholics, by sharing your own stories and working with me on finding solutions.

The journey starts today, Thursday 2 February, when we are holding a debate in Parliament on the issue.

Some of the ideas we are looking at include better specialised training for professionals to support children in these kinds of households, and also ensuring that councils are funded at a level which allows them to reach out to families affected by alcoholism through schools, community nurses and SureStart children's centres.

And of course we need to look at the root of the problem by doing more to combat alcohol abuse across society. We've made so much progress in the last two decades getting the message out about how much damage smoking does, not just to you, but the people around you. By comparison, on an issue like alcoholism, we are nowhere near the public debate we need to have on what we might call 'secondary drinking'.

My experience with my dad left me feeling not damaged but determined, and I think it has helped shape who I am today. But others will not have been so lucky. So my message to children growing up or caring for alcoholic parents is this: you're not alone. I thought I was. Speak to someone about it – whether it's a teacher or a relative or family friend. Other people will help – just don't do it all by yourself.

[Wannabehermit]

My dad drank too much to try and cope with work related stress anxiety and depression. So my concern is that it until mental health services get better, especially for men who may feel ashamed asking for help, that this will always be a problem. I also think we need a whole attitude change to work life balance and consumerism in this country, but how we'll get it I don't know.

But yes I got married with just a groom, registrar and photographer present because I was worried about alcohol at a family event. The unpredictability of my dad's behaviour and mood made me a very anxious teenager who turned to self harm. I was far too ashamed to talk to anyone outside of the family.
And ultimately my dad died of cancer probably related to excess drinking. I miss him terribly, he was extremely intelligent and often had very wise advice when sober. I also feel very angry that my children have missed out on having a grandad. I also felt some relief when he died because he was never going to get better. I know that sounds evil.
The only positive is that I have a great relationship with my brother because of what we went through growing up together.

[whomovedmychocolate]

RayofFuckingSunshine thank you for that. Again it's helpful. It's a HUGE worry for me that they will grow up to become alcoholics. Also that they will feel it's their fault their dad drinks. I think you are right, continually letting them talk and make decisions is the way to go.

Also because they have a man in their life who had the same issue, faced it and is now sober shows it is possible. I don't know if that makes it better or worse though. I spent many years thinking 'if only he loved me enough to want to stop' which is a hiding to nothing.

It makes me cry, even now, thinking about that. I'm so glad for those on this thread that are managing to stay sober and who have faced up to their alcoholism. I'll have a look at that charity. I think for now (they are 10 and 8) it's easier for them to talk to me and their stepdad, but in the future going out and talking to other kids their age is probably going to help them.

[JeffreyNeedsAHobby]

One of my parents was an alcoholic. They divorced when I was young leaving with me alone with the alcoholic parent for several years and I didn't really understand the problem until I was about 9. That coincided with staying at a friends and noticing their parent didn't suddenly change around 6ish or have huge amounts of bottles around the house. I could talk loudly and play running games that I was never allowed to at home. It suddenly became clear that home was wrong somehow and that I was missing out. Far from being the best parent that they always made a point of telling me they were I now knew differently. Having to care for the parent by carrying them to bed, putting out a small fire started by a dropped cigarette, calling the police when they left me at home when they went out to get more booze and didn't come back until 3 tv shows had gone past (huge amounts of trouble for that one, but I honestly thought they had died), listening to the rantings and ravings, never having help with homework, having to wear clothes that are too small because there never seems to be time for shopping because we have to walk across town to get booze from a different shop every night, never knowing when it was ok to talk until you give up and realise it's better to stay silent.... Yes, it damaged me beyond repair. I still feel angry but the parent has died now. I often wish they had had help and I might have had a proper childhood. Or if I hadn't been so scared to tell people as I had been told they would take me away. Maybe the most concerning thing is that no one asked, despite me playing up in my teens and trying to get attention in various forms. I desperately wanted someone to talk to about the mixed emotions but there was no one there. I couldn't talk to the other parent as I was betraying the first, plus I was "the strong one". I feel so much for kids going through the same thing. It does change reactions to situations. I know I can't tell when I've had enough to drink - drinking to oblivion seems to be the point of drinking but I try not to have alcohol in the house. One good thing is that I never want my children to have the childhood I did and make a huge effort to never say some of the hurtful vile things I was told about myself that the parent would never remember in the morning.

[Marmalade247]

Currently going though the process of divorce from an alcoholic partner and definitely concerned about the impact of alcoholic parents on the children. Having no experience of the issues of alcoholism prior to this relationship I had little idea of how damaging it is for the whole family - this may have influenced my decision to enter this relationship and have children together. Discussions in school and society generally, breaking down the stigma and shame and ease of access to counselling - individually and in groups, could all improve the outcome for our futures.

[JeffreyNeedsAHobby]

Holistic as a child I really wanted to get it off my chest. If someone had said I could have counselling and it had been confidential I feel I would have happily got it off my chest and had an adult working through with me my emotions. Even having someone ask if I was ok would have been something. Keeping secrets like this are tiring. An adult could have suggested alternatives or ways of approaching arguments, given practical advice. It would have needed to be completely confidential though and my parent would have stopped me going if they knew I was talking to anyone about it.

FWIW I and also self harmed - I wanted to see visible evidence that I was hurting and channel my pain into a physical one.

[DurhamDurham]

I watched my brother lose his wife, home and job because of alcohol. I'm thankful that he never had children as they would have suffered because of his addiction. I work for an organisation which supports Young Carers and I have seen the utter devastation that an addiction can have on a young person. Our youngest Young Carers are 5

[whomovedmychocolate]

Marmalade247 I'm three years on and can I just say you are doing the right thing - It took me a really long time to get my head round it as no-one in my family drinks so I had no exposure either. Hang in there.

[Patsy99]

From personal experience the best way to support a child with an alcoholic parent is:-

• divorce the alcoholic,
  
• don't force contact if the child doesn't want it.
  

Whatever the addictions & difficulties of the alcoholic, protecting the child as far as possible has to be the priority.

[WannaBe]

The problem is that while Alcoholics are seen as a problem, alcohol is seen as a societal norm and something which should be embraced. We need to bring in the awareness much, much earlier from the point at which the alcoholic is already addicted to society's relationship with alcohol as a whole.

You only have to look at threads on here to see how much we as a society rely on alcohol without any thought as to the potential implications for some people. We talk about whether it's wine o'clock, with a emoticon thrown into the mix. There was a thread on here asking for a emoticon, and a thread where many people said that they wouldn't date a person who didn't drink. Alcohol has become so much a part of most people's every day lives that they actually don't recognise the point at which they have gone from enjoying a drink to becoming dependent on one.

I realise that that is looking at the issue of alcoholism rather than the issue of children of alcoholics, but if you can start at the root issue then you are part way towards preventing the part where the children are growing up with alcoholic parents.

[JeffreyNeedsAHobby]

Agreed Wannabe - it's a socially acceptable and legal drug. It's been made into a fun necessity in a way we never would do with smoking.
I can only hope that one day it will be classed as a serious drug that costs the economy billions in lost work hours, damage to property, hospital costs, accidents, abuse, violence and crime. Let alone the lives of the families of anyone trapped in the cycle of addiction.

With this background for an alcoholic, they may never realise they need help and may never want it as a result. You can't cure anyone who can't see they have a problem and doesn't want to give up a lifestyle behaviour.

[exWifebeginsat40]

i grew up with alcoholics. i was desperate for someone to notice. we were well-off, clean and never missed school, and home was a terrifying war zone.

i spent hours of my childhood refereeing drunk parents. i never slept well as i was listening intently for any signs of an argument. i still don't sleep. there was a recurring sexual theme to the arguments, and i heard and saw things no child should see.

my mother would always declare that she and i would leave. she never followed it through, though, as she liked the money and the cars and the holidays. she put booze and lifestyle ahead of me, and to be frank it has ruined my entire life.

what can be done, though? although i threatened to call the police one particularly bad night when i was about 7, but i never did and i never would. i felt utterly alone and first thought about suicide aged about 9.

you see, nobody ever showed me any affection. nobody taught me how to do up my shoes, or how to keep myself clean. i learned that food was stuffed into me one week, but i might be 'put on a diet' at any point which involved only being allowed to have 400 calories a day.

i first got puking drunk aged 8. nobody cared. they just started buying me bottles of Carling Black Label on a Friday night.

obviously, i have grown up to be an alcoholic. i also have a personality disorder. my childhood was relentlessly awful. day after day after day. kicking my stepfather awake in the middle of the night as he was passed out and snoring on the living room floor below my bedroom. the horror of christmas. holidays abroad where we would be trapped together in a boiling hotel room, watching the grown ups lurch about, naked and furious and saying the most horrendous things. being woken up and called a cunt in the middle of the night, aged about 6.

nobody cared.

i'm coming up on 3 years sober. i had a total breakdown in 2012 and haven't been able to work since.

i have fucked up every single thing i have ever done. i am broken. i am fucked up. i have major, intractable depression and i have PTSD and panic attacks. i have no idea who i am or how i fit into the world. i'm basically pointless.

i went no contact with my mother 10 years ago. it was a relief but horribly distressing. i don't miss MY mother, but i would have loved to have a mother who loved me.

it's been a shit life, and i'm tired. i keep going for my kid.

apologies - this got long!

[Timeforabiscuit]

My mum was a functioning alcoholic but died alone at home from liver failure in November.

I found support here and also the adult children of alcoholics website, thankfully, i had means to get counselling for myself before she passed.

When i was a child i was lucky, so lucky its scary, i had a good school, a group of good friends, and air cadets which kept me out of the house 5 nights a week. I had little guidance, no supervision, although there was food on the table and clothes on my back.

It could have been worse, but it cast a long shadow over lots of my behaviours and has shaped me profoundly.

[Belladonna123]

Thank you for raising this and being so honest in your account Mr Ashworth. As the child of an alcoholic I know the pain this disease causes everyone in the family. Im hopeful solutions can be found for the next generation

[JeffreyNeedsAHobby]

ex a lot of that resonates with me. I also thought I was no good by the age of 9 and thought about suicide. I also felt no one had shown me true love or told me how things "work". I was teased for not knowing how to do shoelaces, count properly, what conditioner was. I had my hair cut literally with a bowl put over the top of my head (true bowl cut!) and was teased for that too. I still find it hard to know when people are pulling my leg as it wasn't something you risked as I was growing up. My parent lost friends continuously - ringing people up all night drunk and shouting abuse to anyone they knew. I wasn't allowed to have certain friends if they realised or their parents had been at the receiving end of a call or worse. I was called a whore/slag repeatedly, told that I was nothing and had no brains, no real purpose, everyone was horrible really and not to trust anyone. I was made to go to court and tell lies about my other parent that had been drummed into me until they felt like real memories. I still feel guilt over that. I realise my parent had terrible depression, and maybe that's part of where it starts....or just a part of the cycle. Who knows. No one helped either of us.

Yes, the wealthier the parents the easier it seems to turn a blind eye. Maybe people think kids are better off with nice possessions/home than in care.

I suffer from anxiety and depression. My psychotherapist told me I had to be kind to myself as I set targets for myself that are too high to be achieved. I know this stems from being told I couldn't do anything as a child/adult. My therapist also said that as no one had really ever been around for me I had become quite fiercely independent and was used to control because everyone who had ever said they would care for me hadn't. It feels as if I never had a parent and never will have anyone I can truly trust. So, yes ex a lot of what you say resonates. We're still here though. I've learnt later in life that no one has a clue what they are doing anyway .

[doggle]

I am providing long term care for one of dd1's friends as she is no longer able to live with her alcoholic mum. The dd finally asked for help when mum was due to leave rehab for the fifth time in two years. It usually took less than a week for her to relapse, sometimes she checked out early and went straight into town to drink. They are pretty much nc now. The dd keeps the years of emotional abuse pretty close to her chest, but we have managed to convince her to build a relationship with a counsellor. All mum does is bitch about her kid not having any compassion and telling everyone what an awful child she is to have walked out on a sick parent. Even parents whose children are removed get to see them, and she is really struggling with being nc. But there are only so many parental suicide attempts and so much emotional abuse you can cope with as a child, and she was brave enough to ask to be moved to a safe place. Her counsellor supports her right to be nc at this point. I am trying to keep the door open for contact, but it is the dd's choice.
Addiction is a terrible thing, but speaking as someone who has spent three years trying to support both an alcoholic and the child of an alcoholic, the children must always be put first. Alcoholics are largely blind to the damage they are doing to their families, are largely unable to consider that other people may be affected by their drinking and behaviours (if they acknowledge any affect at all, it is minimized) and tend to think only in terms of themselves and their status as victim. Treatment for alcoholism may well be entwined with family support, but let's not minimise the experiences of families in favour of prioritizing those with alcoholism, in the same way that those with addictions do.
Please do continue to lobby for better and more effective treatment for alcoholism, but not allow it to cloud our view of the many other victims that alcoholics leave in their wake.

[exWifebeginsat40]

jeffrey i'm so sorry you went through that. i was encouraged to do well, told i was bright and gifted and i won school prizes. and then a drunk adult would tell me i wasn't as clever as i thought i was. why was i always showing off?

i learned that nobody wanted to hear what i had to say. i honestly wish i could have gone into care. instead, by 14 i was completely off the rails. and my mother would tell people what a lovely child i used to be, and how shit and difficult i'd become.

fuck them, though.

[Patsy99]

Lots of sad anecdotal evidence here about the emotional abuse inflicted on the children of alcoholics, one way or another. It was also my experience - along with the drama of the suicide attempts and drunk driving. Ambulance staff never made a report to social services, although it's not obvious what they could have done.

And I completely agree with doggle - I'm not interested in the addict's "I'm not responsible/I'm a victim" narrative when children are being harmed.

[Disneyhasbrainwashedmyfamily]

So happy to see this being spoken about, I am also an adult child of an alcoholic. RayofFuckingSunshine your first paragraph could have been written by me, my mum changed over night when she left my dad. I was 13 and my sister was 5. She went from a normal, loving mum to an out of control alcoholic. People knew this, my grand parents, my dad, her friends...but they did nothing! Something which although I don't hate them for, I do wonder why you would leave two young children to fend for themselves with me especially left to play the role of the adult, collecting my sister from school, fending off random unwanted males bringing mum home from whatever pub or club they found her in. Various police call outs for domestic abuse, drunk and disorderly behavior and 4 drink driving bans but never any social service involvement! School was my sanctuary, I loved feeling safe there but dreaded going home some nights! You never knew what you were going to get!
I regret not telling a teacher but when you are living with a parent like that unfortunately that becomes your norm and sometimes it's only when you are older you realize just how messed up it truly was and that maybe you could've done more to make others see! We are now no contact since dd1s first birthday 7 years ago-enough was enough! She's still off the rails and I too dread the call.
💐 to all who have been through this x

[OreoHeaven]

I am the child of an alcoholic too.

I suffer from sky high anxiety, low self esteem, little confidence, severely struggle in social situations, suspicion of people's intentions, find it so hard to trust anyone and I also think I have depression. These are all linked to my childhood.

I'm currently NC with my parents. They are still married. They shouldn't be. The alcoholic parent has destroyed our family.

I stopped answering the calls when they started getting abusive again. Telling me how I should be this, that and the other.

My wedding day was spent on edge for fear of the drinking and the behaviour it would encourage.

I look at other families who are close and loving and I wish I had had that however I cannot envisage being close to my parents at all. I'm sure friends find it odd that I don't have a relationship with them but I can't bring myself to tell them why. I'm often reminded that "life is too short" and "once they're gone, they're gone and you'll have regrets"......

[TanteJeanne]

My husband "turned to drink" when threatened with redundancy. He died 15 months later after putting his family through hell. He was offered so much help and I can never forgive him for turning it down.
He caused our nine year old to have a mental breakdown. When he died I was glad. Yes glad. Glad that that hell was over. Though the mental health problems and poverty continue years after his death.

[arewenearlythereyet]

I completely support and understand the need to address the issue of the impact of alcholol on children, I grew up with a difficult, sometimes violent father who drank a lot.
I think if we could avoid using the word alcoholic this would help reduce the stigma surrounding alcohol use and misuse. A person who is drinking in a way that is causing a problem for themselves and their familes and friends, is still a person, giving everyone in this situation the label alcoholic is extremely unhelpful and does not encourage help seeking behaviour. This term is used for people who are drinking in many different problematic ways and for people who have stopped drinking, they are expected to retain the label for the rest of their non drinking life. This for some, is incredibly stigmatising and unhelpful, and puts people off seeing help in stopping drinking, because they understandably desperately want to avoid this label. We have come a long way in recognising and avoiding lables that define a person only in terms of a single condition, such as diabetic, schizophrenic, manic depressive, as if this is their single, only or most important defining feature, and yet not only do we still use the word alcoholic, but the most widely available programme for those people trying to overcome problems with drink, encourages people to define themselves in this way 'my name is X and I am an alcoholic' For some people this may be helpful, the 'disease' model is a useful way for them to think of the issues of addiction to alcohol. For others it is a stigmatising umbrella term that is unhelpful.

Alcohol is a highly addictive mind altering drug, many many people have to work hard to moderate their drinking, only drinking on certain nights of the week, only drinking beer, or only wine, trying to stick to lower alcholol drinks, taking a break from drinking during sober October, dry January or during lent. The fact that we go to such great lengths to moderate our drinking, and often do not manage to meet our aims in moderating is because it is so addictive, not because we are weak or failures.

I applaud the initiative to open up an honest discussion of the way in which drinking alcohol is sold as a normal expectation, how this happens in media and in all walks of like, and the reasons why this is (tax profit being one).

[exWifebeginsat40]

nah, i'm an old-fashioned alcoholic, me. predisposed and everything. it's still up to me to stay quit.

[whattimestea]

My DM is an alcoholic. She's been sober for approx 1 year now. Not her decision - she fell and hurt herself badly while drunk and was medically detoxed in hospital. She was in hospital with her injuries so long it was practically rehab for her and she's not drunk since. I'm 40 now and she had been heavily drinking since I was about 10 years old.

She and I have discussed briefly her alcoholism. She is completely oblivious to the impact her drinking has had on my life. She was a functioning alcoholic and just assumes because she held down a good job, managed to cook meals and as we didn't live in a hovel then her drinking was irrelevant to me growing up. She either can't or won't remember how drink turned her into a cruel and nasty bully or made her completely uninterested in me or my life as I grew up. She would say here and now she wasn't that bad. She has no idea.

Don't assume that children aren't affected by alcohol abuse because an alcoholic parent can provide a lovely looking home and 3 square meals a day. Alcoholics may not have as much help offered as they may need but as it stands now they get alot more than the innocent people left to pick up the pieces and bearing the brunt of that addiction.

[friendlyflicka]

As the child of an alcoholic and the ex-wife (twice) of alcoholic, I couldn't agree more:

Alcoholics may not have as much help offered as they may need but as it stands now they get alot more than the innocent people left to pick up the pieces and bearing the brunt of that addiction.