Guest post: It's time to speak out for children of alcoholics

[MumsnetGuestPosts]

I loved my dad and he loved me. I still miss him every day - his dry sense of humour, his idealism and passion for the underdog, his advice and northern common sense. He gave me so much. But sadly, one of those things was a childhood coloured by the excesses of his drinking.

It's not something I'm used to talking about. As a child, I found it too embarrassing, and, in later years, too upsetting. But at Christmas, answering a routine media question about the billions that alcohol abuse costs the NHS and whether extra taxation is the answer, I found myself explaining that alcoholism is more complicated than that. How did I know? Because of my childhood.

My parents divorced when I was seven, when the strain of my dad's drinking became too much for their marriage. I was so lucky they were both such loving parents, but my life was changed. I lived during the week with my mum - who worked all the hours she could to give me the best possible life - and the weekends were always spent with my dad.

It was when he was living alone, continuing his job as a casino croupier and with a succession of short-lived girlfriends, that the true extent of his alcohol dependence became clear to me. One Friday, I remember him picking me up at the school gate to walk me home, but immediately falling over because he was so drunk. I had to go to a phone box and order us a taxi.

There, the fridge was almost always empty except for huge bottles of cheap white wine. At the age of eight, it almost felt like my job to get the food in. I remember one December going to the corner shop to buy decorations just so his home would vaguely feel like the Christmas we were about to share together.

His drinking ebbed and flowed, depending on what girlfriend he was with at the time, but it was always a constant feature. He was never violent or abusive with it, but I still quickly learnt the mechanisms to cope with living with someone who was seldom sober.

In later years my dad retired and moved to the Far East. When I invited him back for my wedding, proud to show him what I'd done with my life and introduce him to my wife, he refused to come, and I felt heartbroken and angry. I only learnt a few months later - after he had died in Thailand - that he didn't come because he was worried he would embarrass me with his drinking on our big day.

Since I found myself speaking up about my experiences, I've been inundated with messages from people who grew up in similar circumstances thanking me for talking about the experiences we share. And having felt a bit embarrassed and exposed talking about my childhood secrets, those messages have encouraged me to push this further.

The truth is it would be easy for me as Shadow Health Secretary to spend my time simply criticising the government, but I want to do something more than that. Experts estimate that over 2 million children in Britain are growing up with an alcoholic parent. And yet too often these children have to cope with that in silence, exactly the way I did, with no support or recognition. It's time these children were given the support they deserve and need. So I hope Mumsnet readers will join me with in speaking up for the children of alcoholics, by sharing your own stories and working with me on finding solutions.

The journey starts today, Thursday 2 February, when we are holding a debate in Parliament on the issue.

Some of the ideas we are looking at include better specialised training for professionals to support children in these kinds of households, and also ensuring that councils are funded at a level which allows them to reach out to families affected by alcoholism through schools, community nurses and SureStart children's centres.

And of course we need to look at the root of the problem by doing more to combat alcohol abuse across society. We've made so much progress in the last two decades getting the message out about how much damage smoking does, not just to you, but the people around you. By comparison, on an issue like alcoholism, we are nowhere near the public debate we need to have on what we might call 'secondary drinking'.

My experience with my dad left me feeling not damaged but determined, and I think it has helped shape who I am today. But others will not have been so lucky. So my message to children growing up or caring for alcoholic parents is this: you're not alone. I thought I was. Speak to someone about it – whether it's a teacher or a relative or family friend. Other people will help – just don't do it all by yourself.

[JonathanAshworthMP]

Thanks everyone for responding I really appreciate the comments. We had the debate in Westminster today and the health minister has agreed to work with me and other MPs to put in place a strategy for children of alcoholics.

Your ideas and suggestions about what should be in that strategy will be really important so please keep posting. I'm reading all your posts and let me know any questions you might have.

Thanks again
Jonathan

[ReginaGeorgeinSheepsClothing]

I think Doggle has hit the nail on the head with * victim. Treatment for alcoholism may well be entwined with family support, but let's not minimise the experiences of families in favour of prioritizing those with alcoholism, in the same way that those with addictions do.
Please do continue to lobby for better and more effective treatment for alcoholism, but not allow it to cloud our view of the many other victims that alcoholics leave in their wake.*. I also think that not getting tied up in the 'oh let's not use the word alcoholic' is detracting from the main issue that we are looking at addressing which is the children.

[Appin]

I am the child of an alcoholic, and like many others, it's completely defined my life. Thank you for speaking so candidly about this Jonathan.

I agree with PPs who say the true victims are not the alcoholics, but those left in their wake.

[arewenearlythereyet]

I completely agree that the impact on children is horrific and long lasting, I know this from my own experience. My point is really about making it less stigmatising for people to seek help and that includes children, and addressing the massive scale of how we encourage drinking, all the stuff on social media about wine o'clock, mothers helper etc etc that normalises heavy drinking. Highlighting that actually it is very easy to get addicted to his poison might reduce the shame for children in speaking up.

[JeffreyNeedsAHobby]

It's such an individual thing though - it's hard to give advice for interventions. I as a child wanted care, comfort, love and reassurance. Encouragement would have been nice. I was often told to be seen and not heard and high expectations of manners were what often led strangers to comment on how good I was/well behaved. I was actually terrified I'd be shouted at later if I said/did something wrong. I do think that many alcoholics are depressed. Drinking seems like a solution or a way to drown it out and escape, then they perpetuate the problem by feeling more depressed afterwards, now with added addiction and guilt. Maybe they also want to drown out vague memories of shouting or worse at their child... I know my parent was lonely and drink made this worse as then the late night phone calls would turn anyone off visiting or talking to them again. It's a community issue but it starts with the government making it acceptable and mainstream. I do wonder how different I would have been if the drink hadn't been there. I now have a friend who is a recovering alcoholic and 6 years sober. They are an inspiration. However I do think the pressure not to slip off the wagon with AA is perhaps a little daunting for some. IIRC the transtheoretical/stages of change theory has that - if you slip you fail. I think drinking has become a bigger issue for middle/upper classes (who can afford to drink the hard stuff) and is strongly linked to unwinding after work. Most mummy friends I know have at least 2 glasses a night but some openly admit to a bottle or more a night! This isn't even an issue to many. I can't imagine people discussing this in the playground quite so openly in the 80's. The acceptance is central to this. Tying it in to the healthy living/less sugar/less calories might be a way forward.

[arewenearlythereyet]

Jeffrey. See Kate Bee, google her for a discussion on exactly this point

[JeffreyNeedsAHobby]

arewe I don't think I felt shame until I was much older (13/14?). At 6-9 I didn't know that it wasn't normal. All I knew was there were some things I could never tell anyone. Much in the way I imagine a peadophile hushes up a victim with threats about being taken away from everyone you love. That is the real silencer. I don't think I would have liked to be in care - I wanted to be at home because it was what I knew, but more to check everything was ok and the parent wasn't crying or hadn't fallen over and hurt themselves or anything. I wonder now if this is partially where my anxiety comes from. IMO it's not the best thing to take the child from the parent. If there was a way to do it anonymously I think it would have more of an uptake. Maybe a childline type phone number?

[JeffreyNeedsAHobby]

Thanks - yes she is very enlightened. I see what you mean about the stigma now; making it acceptable to say you don't drink/can't drink is half of the battle.

[RainbowHash]

I think more education would help - e.g. a campaign geared at the non- alcoholic parent or family member, who just by pure ignorance, doesn't know or understand how much their child is suffering. And would therefore take steps to make life better for the child.

[Welshmamma]

I grew up the daughter of an addict. I then had two children with a party boy.... he is an alcoholic.
My children have suffered psychologically. The best they are is when they have no contact with him. They worry about him always.

[Userone1]

As a child of a single parent, you feel isolated. You cannot have friends round, it's embarrassing. You don't have time for friends, as you are too busy doing adult chores, washing, cleaning etc. So you convince yourself you are better off without friends.

It's a pretty lonely life, parent drunk and incapable, eating alone, getting yourself off to school, avoiding parent evenings, unread school reports, forging signatures on permission slips.

Excuses and lies, my parent has flu, my parent isn't home, I forgot my lunch money. Telling teachers you are fine, nothing is wrong. Telling social services your life is the opposite of what it is, so you don't have to go into care.

I don't know how to help children, other than to say supporting them in the home environment is very important.

[mummylondon16]

Just to say if you are family member of alcoholic, look up al anon, my mother found it very useful and empowering. There is al ateen for younger people. Fully support this initiative, I'm in recovery and can't ever make up for being an alcoholic mother but I do my very best every day to make my daughter's life happy and safe. Good luck to all x

[lisa1cares]

Thank you for speaking up... it's hard to talk about the issues we face as children growing up with a parents drink probably. I love my mother deeply but her drinking has and always will drive me to dispare.

I would love to be more open about what it is like but as my parents are still alive so that could well embarrass and would be unfair of me to do.

Needless to say my childhood was lost and spent much of it being a carer. My parents are lovely people and I gain a great deal from them much like you have but the drinking part is upsetting to even think about.

The feelings of being so isolated and having no one to turn to that understood is something I remember. Making sure children know they are not alone could go along way to them asking for help.

[Userone1]

I think it is really hard for children to speak up. When much younger you think it's normal. When you get a bit older and realise it is a problem, you understand what the consequences of speaking up will be, being put into the care system.

You don't want to have leave home, you want your parent to stop drinking. You love them.

[Rachael1992]

Great to see a post about the effects of alcoholism on children, I am now seperated to a recovering alcoholic. He is a chronic relapser but just for today thankfully he is sober. We have a three year old boy together and I have always worried about the effects of his dads alcholism would have on him. Thanks to groups like al anon we all have a great relationship. Al anon helps me with my resentments I have with my ex partner and also set necessary boundaries with him. It has improved our relationship immensely and most importantly protected there father and son relationship. My son doesn't know all the times his dad has let him down and not turn up and never seen him drunk. Without the support of al anon I don't think I would have had the stength or confidence to carry out the boundaries and be consistent. For me the effects of Alcoholism have been lonely and scary but after regularly attending meetings I am now focusing on myself and my little boy and our life has improved so much. It gives me compassion and the understanding that alcoholism is a disease that I cannot control and I hope to install this in my boy. my son has come with me to meetings and is very welcomed and I know when he is older that there is alateen shall he need it which is a great comfort to me. Al anon is a safe and non judgemental place to go to speak to people who know exactly what your going through. I will forever be grateful for finding al anon

[mydogmymate]

I'm also the daughter and ex wife of an alcoholic, it ripped my life apart like many of you.
I have a son of 10 who's been really affected by his dad's drinking, but in my area there's hardly any support & there is still a massive stigma attached to it. We can't tell anyone too official as I've been threatened by social services to remove my son if he has unsupervised contact: no support, just wade in & ruin my son's life even more. He loves his dad & his dad loves him, but he can't be left alone with him. I've been told that we're not "bad enough" to have a contact centre arrangement & CAHMS have turned him away.
Sorry to sound cynical, but I very much doubt anything will be done, just like when I was a child in the '70's, my mother left when I was 9 and left me with my alcoholic, violent & abusive father. By 17 I was self harming and using drugs, the only place for me was a psychiatric ward. I don't want that for my child.
I don't want platitudes, I want action, but I fear it won't happen.

[mydogmymate]

I meant to say that al-anon is amazing, but I can't access the meeting in my area because they're all in the evening & I can't get a babysitter. So, where do I go now? Nowhere I fear.

[BITCAT]

My best friends sister was an alcoholic..she had her son at 16.
She loved her son deeply and you could see she did, she eventually overcome the alcohol but it was replaced by deep depression..which no one fully knew how bad it was. She unfortunately passed away in January, she committed suicide..left behind a distraught 21 year old son. So so sad and I think we need to get to the bottom of the cause of the drinking..usually depression..these people need help. She was not a bad person, she had a heart of gold and worked very hard to be a good mom and pay her way in life. In general they are not bad people they just need help.

[JonathanAshworthMP]

Thanks for the comments keep them coming. You can read a little a bit about the reaction to the debate here - www.facebook.com/JonAshworth/posts/1889191164642620

[Gingernaut]

but what I would say is that most alcoholics don't know what is actually wrong and why they have the compulsion to drink.

They are alcoholics. They are addicted to alcohol. That is why they drink.

If they were heroin addicts, they'd shoot up.

Crack addicts would smoke.

Gambling addicts would hit the bookies.

What sets alcoholics apart is the fact that alcohol is legal and it is considered socially acceptable to get a bit tipsy now and again.

Any alcoholic with children damages their children. Sometimes it's subtle, sometimes it's obvious.

Any alcoholic who thinks they've got away with it and have happy children, really haven't faced up to the problem.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

I'm the child of an alcoholic and I grew up to be one myself. Thankfully I never dreamed of having DC because I knew I was a drunk and would be unfit to be a mother.

I got sober 27 years ago and went on to have 2 DC who have never seen me drink.

My view is that alcohol abuse is pretty much entirely acceptable, and that people drift from drinking too much into active alcoholism without even noticing.

Here on MN people talk about wine o'clock and joke about drunkenness. At my DC's primary school there was a quiz team called "Mummy loves Chardonnay" which almost everyone thought was really funny. Made my blood run cold.

So drunkenness is too acceptable. The other angle is that no one seems to be drawing the parallel between drugs and alcohol.

One New Year there was a front page story about a girl who had died of Ecstasy. On page 14 there were a couple of paragraphs on a young man who had fallen asleep on his way home from a party and died of hypothermia. That was an alcohol death but it was the drug death that got the attention, despite the fact that Ecstasy deaths are rare while alcohol deaths are far, far too common.

We need to start seeing alcohol as a drug, and warning signs like those on cigarettes should be put on alcohol.

The position of the children of alcoholics will continue to be bleak until we start taking alcohol abuse seriously.

[Rachael1992]

Mydogmymate
It's so hard when u can't get the childcare. I was lucky in my area there is a lunch time meeting that I could take my little one to with no trouble. There are sometimes online meetings or if u call the national helpline they may be able to help u

[Gingernaut]

It's the unpredictability of life.

What state is he in?
Who was he with at the pub?
Has he been arguing with someone?
Will he bring the argument home? Will he leave us alone?
Will he insist on 'conversation' even though he can't remember what's just been said and will not hear anyone who disagrees with him?
Will he have misheard something and think I've done something wrong?
Will I get a long, rambling, nonsensical 'lesson' about it?
Will he just fall about all over the place?
Do we watch him as he sleeps in case he stops breathing?

The constant walking on eggshells, second guessing and pure fear and anxiety created by living with an alcoholic parent skews every interaction outside the house as well.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

Lots of posters on this thread have grown up with alcoholic parents and then gone on to have children with another, and yet no one has used the term codependency. It's a hugely important concept and helps make sense of so much of this. I urge you to explore the link.

No one who has grown up with an alcoholic or addicted parent is unaffected. Some become alcoholics themselves. Others find themselves in relationships with them. These people are called codependent. If you don't recognize your codependency you will be doomed to repeat it.

The relationship between an alcoholic and their partner is typically very unhealthy, and their children witness it. They grow up attracted to addicts or potential addicts and then wonder why they seem doomed to have drunks in their lives. If you are the non-alcoholic partner you can't change your partner. You can, however, change yourself, and most important thing you can do for your children is to address your own codependency. Unless you do, your children will repeat the unhealthy patterns of your own childhood.