Guest post: "It's hard not to cut my mother off completely"

[MumsnetGuestPosts]

There's a picture of me sitting on my mother's lap when I'm about nine months old. I'm smiling. My mother is smiling. If you only saw this photo, you would imagine a typical childhood: normal ups and downs, normal lives, hard times perhaps, but a loving relationship nonetheless.

You need to imagine harder. Darker. Wider. Outside your own experience, if your experience was good.

This is the true story of my relationship with my mother: behind the photo is her mental illness. A mental illness in hiding. It's hidden in the gin she has when she gets home from work. It's hidden in the jobs she doesn't get, the friends she can't keep, the relatives she won't talk to. It's hidden in all the events that go on at home that we're not supposed to tell anyone about. But most of all, it is hidden from her. She can't see it in herself, and thinks it's everyone else.

I loved being around my mother in public. Out there, she was like the other mothers I saw. She said the right things. She smiled. She was kind. If it was a day when we were going to be out a lot, I would wake up relaxed, knowing that nothing scary would happen.

In private, though, the other mother came out. The one I was afraid of. While this mother could be relied on for basic sustenance, the other things crucial to raising children - unconditional love, appropriate responses, support - were largely absent. She had a line we could not cross - and if we did, we became her enemies rather than her children.

When I was 18 I started crossing the line, and our relationship did not recover. I naively brought up the past and questioned why things had happened as they did. She told me coldly that I was making everything up and was crazy, and I felt a trickle of terror wrinkle down my spine. I never brought it up again, but the past remains there between us.

Now I have enough distance to see her as a profoundly damaged person - like her parents. I am not the first daughter to go through this in my mother's line. I am the fourth. My great-grandmother hated my grandmother. My grandmother emigrated to New Zealand. My mother hated my grandmother. She cut her off completely, severing any ties she had to me, her granddaughter.

Now it's my turn, and I too have a daughter. Between us, we could be the fourth and fifth, and if my daughter has a daughter, the sixth, unless we are able to change the pattern. Currently my daughter is in contact with my parents, albeit at a distance because we live far away.

I know the pattern will repeat if I'm not careful. I sometimes don't know what appropriate boundaries are regarding what to tell my daughter and what to keep back, and this reminds me of my mother who made me her confidante at 11 years old. All I can do is try to do better.

Some believe that adult children who cut off, or are distant from, their parents are selfish, or ungrateful. I reject this. I don't think we owe our parents a relationship if they were cruel to us.

But at the same time, I wonder if I have to follow the pain of generations of estrangement. Is there such a thing as fate? Is fate genetics? Perhaps my mother shouldn't have had children. Perhaps the women in my family just aren't capable of being good mothers.

I look at the pattern and I know it's my choice. I feel as if I've been given a superhuman task but without any of the superpowers: it's incredibly hard not to repeat the actions of past generations and cut off my mother completely.

I have been left damaged by my childhood, with mild PTSD among other things. Being around my mother brings on panic attacks. My past experiences have led to my own issues with mental health, but unlike my mother I can acknowledge this and seek support. I live in a culture and time in which it is safe to do so.

I look at my daughter and I know the action I take is something that she will always remember.

And I don't know. I really don't know what to do.

[cleancut1]

It's really taboo to cut off your family I feel for you. Just because she's your mother she was unkind to you and you have every right to distance yourself if it makes your mental healthy better.
My mother is so loving and kind but I grew up with an abusive stepfather and totally understand where your coming from he also had a face for the world and a face for us. I think it's particular hard when it's a woman that does this as they are meant to be the nurturers I think a bad relationship with your mother or losing your mom at a young age can have a profound psychological effect I have seen it in other people and it does affect their behaviour.
My stepfather me mother was unkind , unloving and put him into care and it made him angry at the world and angry at women.
Don't feel bad for breaking contact did she make you feel loved and nurtured at all during your childhood years ? If the answers no cut her loose but don't deflect this on your daughter someone has to break the cycle.

[Pritti7]

The worst part is no one believes when you tell them "my mother has been cruel to me". How can a mother be the perpetrator? She is the mother, she gave birth!!

Because most people who have loving mothers cannot understand let alone believe that a horrible mother exists. Just like kids of such evil mothers cannot understand what a loving mother-child relationship is like. And they just look at the other side in sheer amazement, disbelief, wonder and a never-ending longing for that love and bond they never experienced. Never knowing what a mother's hug feels like and how it helps when everything around is going wrong.

People would say you must forgive, but a bad childhood gives rise to life-long problems. Almost every emotional issue can be traced back to it. When the adult was just a helpless child in need of a loving and protected environment, when the foundations were being laid in his/her life of all future successes and failures; all he/she got served was hatred, cruelty, loneliness, fear and problems that he/she wasn't able to understand or deal with? When most people start from a zero such adults start from a minus and have to make their way out of the lonely, scary, painful pit. How then can the adult forget and forgive the person responsible?

Thank you all for sharing because the ones who have experienced it can atleast be consoled knowing that they are not the only ones. In my experience this knowledge in tough/unpleasant situations helps ease the pain a bit. Not to see another in pain, but just to know that I am not the only odd one, like I thought I was.

[Lottapianos]

'People would say you must forgive, but a bad childhood gives rise to life-long problems'

So very true. Its all very easy to say 'you must forgive' but its hardly like flicking a switch, is it? Anger and resentment and bitterness are all perfectly healthy and normal parts of the process of coming to terms with having been let down so very badly by the person who was supposed to be your greatest supporter. If forgiveness develops, it will in its own time, you can't force it or fasttrack the process. Urging people to forgive just adds to their guilt and self-loathing

[Janecc]

No it is not easy to forgive. I have and through counselling not on anothers' say so. I did it for me. So that I could lay down the anger, resentment and bitterness. It was weighing too heavily and now that I am unburdened, I am so much lighter. It cut the ties that bound us together in so many unhealthy ways.

[Lottapianos]

Good for you Janecc. I'm on the way towards forgiveness, also through professional support (psychotherapy). I'm feeling lighter in general too, less angry, more sure of myself, less guilty, less depressed. I still have very painful times but overall its getting so much better

People who say 'you have to forgive' - what are they expecting? That you will say 'oh gosh I never thought of that! Yay, I magically forgive my abuser and I feel so much better! Thanks!' It usually comes from hard of thinking types who have absolutely no experience of what you've been through IME

[Pritti7]

Thats true Lottapianos, some of those are just ignorant they don't want to understand, but some are really just incapable of understanding.

For example, I love my brother to bits. when I hear of brothers or brother and sister fighting over money/inheritance and breaking all ties, I don't understand that, I cannot relate with that one bit. So perhaps, I too would advise them that "Come on he is your brother, you must resolve it and forgive. I am sure the ones who have truly suffered at the hands of their brother or sister would feel the same way about me.

[Janecc]

Thank you Lotta. I agree with you Pritti. This is true in so many aspects of life.

[Pritti7]

Agree with you Janecc when we forgive, we are the first ones to benefit from it.

Janecc, what you said reminds me of what I learned from videos of an Indian spiritual/self help speaker on youtube. She was an engineer before she got into the spiritual organisation. so I find her talks/solutions/advice very logical, applicable to my day-to-day life (instead of some spiritual mumbo jumbo that feels good to hear but don't know what to do with it) with good analysis of the problem and most of all easy to understand. Based on the principle of Karma in Hinduism, she says that when someone wrongs you just think of it as settling a karmic account with them, we may have wronged them in a past life which is why this happened. So let go and be free. Thats it and it is over.

But if we choose to hold on/keep hating/seek revenge then we continue to remain bound with that person/soul and stay stuck in the cycle of hurting each other. I used to find it very hard to forgive people, perhaps I am too justice/revenge oriented. But this perspective helped me see things differently. And since I have been able to forgive all the people i hated and it does feel much lighter and like i have finally broken that bondage. hatred and resentment are a heavy burden.

[Janecc]

I too used to find it hard to forgive.

Yes that's the kind of woo I believe in too

I'm still an idealist and believe in fairness and balance. I don't get overly het up when I don't get it. I move away from what I don't appreciate and toward those, with similar accepting views to me. It still hurts though.

[Serendipity12]

This is my experience to a 'T', right down to the amazing feats of denial ('gaslighting') from my narcissist mother when I have tried to discuss her past behviour. The fact that she was so different in public, though, shows her awareness that she was emotionally abusive. Your post is so, so helpful and more people than we realise are affected by this.

[Rudiemoody]

Thank you OP for your post - it has come at an emotional time for me, and I relate to so much you and everyone else has written. I really struggle to say something about my mother's treatment of me and my siblings, even here. She abused us physically and mentally all our childhoods, really badly, and ruined my father's life too. She died recently - I feel nothing but relief, and guilt because everyone expects me to be full of grief. 'After all, it's your mum, isn't it?' But the fear and horror of every day, every single day, that I was at home never goes away. My adult life is so damaged, and I never let my children be alone with her. I loved my father very much, and hardly blamed him really although I thought he was weak to allow what she did to us. He died some time ago. I found out just yesterday by reading something how much she damaged his life, ruined the possibility of a real career for him through her behaviour, and he was such a lonely man. I wish, I wish I had known more then and could have helped him in some way. How could I? I was a child, but I feel so desperately sad for him. I am facing that guilt now, just when I thought I could be free of her at last.

[Janecc]

Pritti I wasn't meaning to offend you with my last comment about woo. That was my joking about less open minded people than myself. Your comments were actually very interesting. Some of the stuff I believe in has been described as woo on here before. Just realised with your name, you are perhaps Hindu - so I hope you got I was joking.

I've learnt lots from my counsellor and although I struggled very much to forgive my mother as a person, I went on to forgive someone at a soul level.

[lastuseraccount123]

I'm not even aiming for forgiveness, I'm aiming for acceptance. I personally really dislike the way 'forgiveness' is used as a truncheon to beat people like us over the head "oh you have to forgive" etc, often like the PP said by people who've never walked in our shoes. I'm not saying I'll never forgive her, but I feel no obligation to forgive her either. If I do it will happen naturally.

[Janecc]

lastuser I'm using forgiveness as part of acceptance and vis versa to set me free, not in the sense of clueless people. For me, these words invoque feelings of peace and honouring/caring for the self. I wish you peace

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I think therapeutic forgiveness is more about you "letting it go" rather than feeling that what happened was in an way forgiveable. You are forgiving them for being the person they are, rather than for what they did.

[JellyBeansHaveNoAgeLimit]

lastuser I totally agree with you about the forgiveness thing as well. I don't want to just forgive my mother. For me, peace would come from her admitting her mistakes without any excuses.

To those who have received psychotherapy, did you access this through your gp? I've recently had cbt for social anxiety but didn't really get a chance to discuss my 'mummy issues'

[Lottapianos]

I saw a psychotherapist privately. Hands down the best money I have ever spent. I fully recognise that I was fortunate enough to be in a position to afford it.

In my experience, having an abusive parent is absolutely not something you can come to terms with in 10 or 12 sessions of CBT. I was in weekly therapy for nearly 6 years. It was the most painful thing I have ever been through, but absolutely worth it. I'm a much calmer, less angry person for it and I like myself a lot more than I used to. I can't recommend it enough, so long as you realise its not a quick fix

[Janecc]

I saw a clinical psychologist many years ago on the NHS but that was for the loss of my father. In those times, I was able to access to the psychologist until the issue was resolved. In the event, I moved area so although I was on a more even keel, I hadn't scratched the surface of my problems. Since then, everything has been private but I did live abroad for almost 10 years so it includes that stuff too. I travel to see a lady called Wendy Dunning. She wrote a book of poems about life scenarios called "Rhymes of Life - Freedom". It's very calming and poignant, it's available on Amazon. She's been a great teacher and healer.

[caramac04]

Rudie are you my sister? Slightly flippant comment aside I totally identify with your post.
I had 6 hours of hypnotherapy and it was money very well spent. Sorted out loads of stuff but scars remain. However I am a different person in many ways now and no longer feel a duty to my abuser. As I said before, my life is so much better now I have ceased contact.

[spanky2]

This is very similar to my childhood. I've gone nc and have been left with depression, anxiety and the ptsd you talked of.
Sadly as my mum got older she behaved appallingly in public too. It's my dad too. He has said and done some awful things that can't ever be forgiven. He always seemed like the nice one when I was growing up as he hid behind my loud volatile mum. When I saw who he really was it broke my heart.
Thank you for sharing as it is so isolating and people with normal parents have absolutely no idea what it's like. After talking to another relative they asked me 'but you had a happy childhood though.' Um no it was frightening and lonely!

[Janecc]

Yes spanky2 we did too apparently. We were given everything according to my mother - apart from love and security. Although I should qualify, my brother was given everything. In many ways, he had a very privileged childhood. I was a spectator as he was given the horse, the motorbike to zip round the fields in, the 3 scrap cars to zoom around the fields in (although if I was extra nice and he wasn't bashing me around he let me use them), the dog (that my brother had for his birthday and would hit me if I touched the dog). I got dolls and "girls" stuff. I occasionally "visited" the small holding I lived on. Couldn't touch the chickens - they may peck my eyes out. I developed an attachment to the 2 calves because my brother wasn't interested in them until I was told they would be sold for meat when they got big (the two things I was allowed to do was bag up manure to sell and formula feed the cows). Father wanted a small holding and I was a spectator and it wasn't enjoyable. I was a china doll according to my father. To my mother I was just a reciprocal and feeling machine for her pain and anger. They did do things with us and took us places and on holiday but I spent most of my time whilst at home hiding in my bedroom, which wasn't my own as she invaded it regularly and refused to knock as it was her house. My brother suffered more on the physical abuse front and for me it was the emotional abuse. I got the physical abuse from brother instead. We weren't neglected on a basic food, shelter or clothing way.

[GillKC]

I don't get on with my mother. She was horrible to me and I feel a fraud every time I see her. She is 90 this year we will have the relevant celebrations I will cook a great dinner for her and her sisters and will hate every minute of it. I'm 60 and my childhood memories are still fresh in my mind talk to my sister she had a different childhood her memories are better than mine she was curly and blonde and fitted the profile of a good child. Heavens above I still feel guilty for feeling like this, she beat love out of me and I can't feel anything for her. Who can love a woman who says that kissing babies is wrong. She would hit me then expect me to apologise and tell her that I loved her.

[Lottapianos]

Janecc and Gill - huge hugs. It hurts so very intensely to have a mother like that. I feel the sadness in your posts and my heart goes out to you both xxx

[maize15]

Thank you for sharing your experiences. This is close to my heart as my partner and the father of my 2 beautiful children was abused and neglected at the hands of his own birth mother. I've recently read his social work reports and it has given us most important information to help my 4 year old's case. She has sensory processing disorder with traits of ASD and ADHD and finds it very difficult to control her emotions and behaviour. From the reports we can see that her father was a carbon copy at 4 years of age as my daughter is now, except my daughter is living in a supportive, warm and stimulating environment which is a complete contrast to what her daddy experienced as a baby up until 4 years old. His dad had to get a DNA test done as his mother hadn't named his father on the birth certificate.
This side of family I've felt necessary to block out as they swear in front of my child and as she doesn't understand what it means, will just repeat over and over. They spend a lot of time saying things behind the other's back it made my head spin! My partner's brothers and their partners have all stuck by my partner's mother, I just can't face her after reading the hard facts on paper I've had to do what is best for my children. I've been searching for people wito experiences like this and I had no luck - it's good to know that no one is alone :)

[Bezza1944]

When I was 3 yrs old I was in care with my brothers and sister. The place was cruel from the very first day. My feet would be scrubed with a wooden brush and carbolic soap till the bled. We left when I was 9. However at home things got so bad with beatings, lack of food and head full of lice that at 12 I put my self back in care. Years later I was told by somebody that I didn't know what a proper home was. It was said to insult me. However later I became a mother myself and although now and again I would feel my self getting into the mind set of someone who has spent a lot of time in an instituation ie very strict. When I realised this I did something about it. I rememberd what it was like for me not to have anyone to go to for help or even a hug. My daughters have always said I'm over protective and it's true but they know I would do anything for them. They also know I will be honest with them and if they did anything wrong I would say so but I still loved them and never had a favourite. I'm not the best housekeeper by any means but my daughters are now wonderful mothers themselves. Just give yourself a chance do not expect tobe the perfect mother, there isn't one. By the way as far as I know if you bought a car tomorrow and you had never had any lessons or past a driving test would you be able to take that car and drive in on the road? No. Yet as mums we aren't surposed to make mistakes. We are all learning as we go along and some days (quite often) we get it wrong. Being a mother is a job a robot will never be able todo because it's a lot more than a job.