Guest post: "It's hard not to cut my mother off completely"

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There's a picture of me sitting on my mother's lap when I'm about nine months old. I'm smiling. My mother is smiling. If you only saw this photo, you would imagine a typical childhood: normal ups and downs, normal lives, hard times perhaps, but a loving relationship nonetheless.

You need to imagine harder. Darker. Wider. Outside your own experience, if your experience was good.

This is the true story of my relationship with my mother: behind the photo is her mental illness. A mental illness in hiding. It's hidden in the gin she has when she gets home from work. It's hidden in the jobs she doesn't get, the friends she can't keep, the relatives she won't talk to. It's hidden in all the events that go on at home that we're not supposed to tell anyone about. But most of all, it is hidden from her. She can't see it in herself, and thinks it's everyone else.

I loved being around my mother in public. Out there, she was like the other mothers I saw. She said the right things. She smiled. She was kind. If it was a day when we were going to be out a lot, I would wake up relaxed, knowing that nothing scary would happen.

In private, though, the other mother came out. The one I was afraid of. While this mother could be relied on for basic sustenance, the other things crucial to raising children - unconditional love, appropriate responses, support - were largely absent. She had a line we could not cross - and if we did, we became her enemies rather than her children.

When I was 18 I started crossing the line, and our relationship did not recover. I naively brought up the past and questioned why things had happened as they did. She told me coldly that I was making everything up and was crazy, and I felt a trickle of terror wrinkle down my spine. I never brought it up again, but the past remains there between us.

Now I have enough distance to see her as a profoundly damaged person - like her parents. I am not the first daughter to go through this in my mother's line. I am the fourth. My great-grandmother hated my grandmother. My grandmother emigrated to New Zealand. My mother hated my grandmother. She cut her off completely, severing any ties she had to me, her granddaughter.

Now it's my turn, and I too have a daughter. Between us, we could be the fourth and fifth, and if my daughter has a daughter, the sixth, unless we are able to change the pattern. Currently my daughter is in contact with my parents, albeit at a distance because we live far away.

I know the pattern will repeat if I'm not careful. I sometimes don't know what appropriate boundaries are regarding what to tell my daughter and what to keep back, and this reminds me of my mother who made me her confidante at 11 years old. All I can do is try to do better.

Some believe that adult children who cut off, or are distant from, their parents are selfish, or ungrateful. I reject this. I don't think we owe our parents a relationship if they were cruel to us.

But at the same time, I wonder if I have to follow the pain of generations of estrangement. Is there such a thing as fate? Is fate genetics? Perhaps my mother shouldn't have had children. Perhaps the women in my family just aren't capable of being good mothers.

I look at the pattern and I know it's my choice. I feel as if I've been given a superhuman task but without any of the superpowers: it's incredibly hard not to repeat the actions of past generations and cut off my mother completely.

I have been left damaged by my childhood, with mild PTSD among other things. Being around my mother brings on panic attacks. My past experiences have led to my own issues with mental health, but unlike my mother I can acknowledge this and seek support. I live in a culture and time in which it is safe to do so.

I look at my daughter and I know the action I take is something that she will always remember.

And I don't know. I really don't know what to do.

[Pritti7]

nannybeach can relate with the last bit about people not asking us and believing what the person clearly in the wrong says

[Pritti7]

Ardha amazing perspective that 'We can't afford some people' I guess to hold on to some for not the right reasons. A cost benefit analysis of relationships I guess is important too. Sounds selfish, but I recently got told that the world we live in today is not as selfish as it used to be. Now selfishness is required if you don't want to be taken advantage of and slowed down by others. Sadly, happens to me all the time.

[nannybeach]

So many awful sad stories, we have to just do the best WE can for our kids. Someone said you choose your friends, you are given your relatives. I agree, you do not have to either love unconditionally or keep in touch with your parents, if they caused you harm. Reading the first blog, I was thinking, the Mother was mentally ill so maybe that explains her behaviour, but I debate you can turn mental illness off and on in public and private like that. My Hubbies Mother walked out when he was 7, went off with another man, while her kids were at school. A few weeks down the line instructed her Husband to bring the children to see her, well what do you know, they said they hated her and refused! They had to move in with granny, 2 bed house, sister sharing a double bed with her, Hubby,bro and Dad the other bed. Its a long complicated story, hes in his 50s now, and has multiple phobias because of this. He did go and see her after 20 years, were not allowed to "upset" her by mentioning her walking out etc. She told me she was bored, and didnt want 3 kids under 4, YET, had a baby with the new bloke, treated him like dirt, bullied us for 20 years. My Hubby wanted us to cut all ties, because of various things that she did and denied doing, the other siblings who never gave her the time of day, believed her version. He has been happier since we cut all ties with them all 7 years ago. He told me his Mother leaving was worse than her dying because she wouldnt have had a choice over that. My youngest Daughter, and her kids see her occassionaly, I dont have any problem with that, she is an adult, we have never been mentioned. it has poisoned relationships, with some of Hubbies old friends, BUT if they believe the version they were told and couldnt even be bothered to ask US we are better off without them. Trouble is my Hubby wants me to be the Mother he never had which is challenging!

[Ardha]

I used to know someone who said there were some people she 'could not afford'. It sounds hard but sometimes the price we pay by having them in our lives is too much, perhaps not financially, but the cost to our health and sanity is too much. Unfortunately I cannot cope with raising a family and having my mother in my life, the last straw came when she tried to use my son to justify her own unacceptable behaviour.

Growing up as I did, I know the kind of mother I do not want to be.

Unfortunately that means I cannot have a relationship with my father either as my parents are ' a team'.

The more people speak of family estrangement the more people, especially professionals, might understand. i was lucky my health visitor was understanding, she was the first person who mentioned that it might have been child abuse to me.

I am so glad I heard about this post, and read what others have posted here.

[Pritti7]

yes it is easy to pronounce and means pretty :)

[Janecc]

Yes it is Pritti. Must be nice to have a name which sounds like pretty

[Pritti7]

Janecc no I am not at all offended.. TBH i didn't understand what woo was. had to look it up just now :p.

But now that i know what it means - something like unfounded ideas (i hope thats what you meant), I still don't mind. Nothing can make sense to everyone. Whatever helps us become happy and peaceful. they say, the destination is one, but paths are many. as long as we all get where we need to be. You are right I am a Hindu :)

[EthelMerman]

I'd also like to say thanks for this thread - I can't say my sister and I were abused by our mother but we do have difficult relationships with her and she doesn't approve of our DH's or lifestyle, sister SAHM, me working mum. She's very judgmental and swift to criticise, we've not turned out the way she wanted and she has struggled to come to terms with that. My sister had her kids young (she's a wonderful mother) and wasn't able to keep our mother at arms length in the way I was able to do when I had my kids. I think I worked through a lot of my anger in my twenties whereas my sister is now dealing with hers.

We have a half brother somewhere (I'm not supposed to know about him because I'm a bitch and would throw it back in her face), he was adopted because it was what you did as an unmarried mother in the 50's. My mother is deeply unpleasant about adopted children and though she once started to look for him, stopped in case all he wanted was her money (she really doesn't have much). Maybe it's a defensive reaction but I don't really believe that.

I do have a relationship with my mother but I don't think I will miss her when she goes, colleagues think I'm hard and don't really mean it when I say this but it's how I feel. I don't miss my dad and that's sad but I think we were accessories that disappointed him.

You do what you need to to keep yourself sane and make it better for the next generation.

[Merd]

[Lara89]

I spent many years willing my mum to love me like it seemed other mums loved their children. I have gone through times of having no contact with her for many years. Usually because she disproves of something I've done - she intensely dispises my boyfriend despite never having met him in over 10 years, she blames him solely for the mental health difficulties I have (I have borderline personality disorder) failing to recognise maybe she has played a part in my difficulties (it's thought personality disorders develop due to experiences in childhood) and she cut off contact with me when I had my daughter six years ago. But still I almost craved her love and I guess approval. We got back in touch when I split from my boyfriend but she walked away again when I got back together with him. It has taken me many years of riding my mother's emotional roller coaster and enduring the effects of her temperamental contact to realise that it won't make me a 'bad' daughter to turn my back on her and say enough is enough. Just because we share genetics does not mean you can have such a negative impact on my life and get away with it. No more. I had to work through the end of my 'relationship' with her. It's not what society tells us we should do - cut off family members. But I wasn't the 'bad' party here. I echo the comments above - others do not understand fully that not every parent/child relationship is healthy and loving. If you are lucky enough to have a mum who is a best friend, that's great. But please don't judge the actions of those of us that have had to endure the turmoil of chaotic, cruel relationships with our parents. All Light In A Piece Of Dark I wholeheartedly support you in stopping the relationship with your mother, particularly to protect your daughter from enduring the experiences you have endured at the hands of your mother. Be strong and follow happiness

[Janecc]

Thank you Lottapianos and ThumbWitches. Hugs to all of you. ❤️

Gill it is never too old to heal. When you were young, I think you were an adult before you were 20 and you have lived double that again as an adult wracked with this pain. You are only 15 years older than me and I have made such progress over the past year. The guilt is your mother's hold over you and it is her voice and control, which makes you feel this way. Life is a journey, give yourself a gift and channel love and forgiveness to your heart and your soul. Forgive you, love the little 2 year old and 4 year old and teenage you or whichever part of you feels guilt as it is surely misplaced. When you do, you will realise there is nothing to forgive. Once you truly understand what a gift you and each and every one of us was to the world, you will see that there is no feel guilt. Your mother sounds as if she was/is perhaps mentally ill and maybe was an abused child herself. Some sociopaths and psychopaths choose to abuse others for fun, others do not. It is my belief few people will choose this path unless they have been subjected to some kind of abuse themselves. And there is so much tolerated and accepted 'low level' abuse around us.

maize you are a strong lady. I salute you.

Bezza. Your power of strength is humbling. My heart goes to you when I say, you truly didn't know what a proper home was and yet you created a spectacular one for your children. You were a beacon of light surrounded by fools.

Bezza you mentioned robots. My friend called my mother "robotic mum" when as adults we discussed my childhood. My mother doesn't want to feel her pain and has no time for emotions. She has many of the traits of a HCP personality (high conflict person) and is most definitely a narcissist. She is the one, who is still suffering while I have (for the most part) healed. I imagine this is a common personality type in child abusers. As children all we need is to be loved and cherished.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

So many sad stories, so much pain.
I want to hug all your little inner children, to give you what you so badly missed out on.
Love and strength to you all.

[Bezza1944]

When I was 3 yrs old I was in care with my brothers and sister. The place was cruel from the very first day. My feet would be scrubed with a wooden brush and carbolic soap till the bled. We left when I was 9. However at home things got so bad with beatings, lack of food and head full of lice that at 12 I put my self back in care. Years later I was told by somebody that I didn't know what a proper home was. It was said to insult me. However later I became a mother myself and although now and again I would feel my self getting into the mind set of someone who has spent a lot of time in an instituation ie very strict. When I realised this I did something about it. I rememberd what it was like for me not to have anyone to go to for help or even a hug. My daughters have always said I'm over protective and it's true but they know I would do anything for them. They also know I will be honest with them and if they did anything wrong I would say so but I still loved them and never had a favourite. I'm not the best housekeeper by any means but my daughters are now wonderful mothers themselves. Just give yourself a chance do not expect tobe the perfect mother, there isn't one. By the way as far as I know if you bought a car tomorrow and you had never had any lessons or past a driving test would you be able to take that car and drive in on the road? No. Yet as mums we aren't surposed to make mistakes. We are all learning as we go along and some days (quite often) we get it wrong. Being a mother is a job a robot will never be able todo because it's a lot more than a job.

[maize15]

Thank you for sharing your experiences. This is close to my heart as my partner and the father of my 2 beautiful children was abused and neglected at the hands of his own birth mother. I've recently read his social work reports and it has given us most important information to help my 4 year old's case. She has sensory processing disorder with traits of ASD and ADHD and finds it very difficult to control her emotions and behaviour. From the reports we can see that her father was a carbon copy at 4 years of age as my daughter is now, except my daughter is living in a supportive, warm and stimulating environment which is a complete contrast to what her daddy experienced as a baby up until 4 years old. His dad had to get a DNA test done as his mother hadn't named his father on the birth certificate.
This side of family I've felt necessary to block out as they swear in front of my child and as she doesn't understand what it means, will just repeat over and over. They spend a lot of time saying things behind the other's back it made my head spin! My partner's brothers and their partners have all stuck by my partner's mother, I just can't face her after reading the hard facts on paper I've had to do what is best for my children. I've been searching for people wito experiences like this and I had no luck - it's good to know that no one is alone :)

[Lottapianos]

Janecc and Gill - huge hugs. It hurts so very intensely to have a mother like that. I feel the sadness in your posts and my heart goes out to you both xxx

[GillKC]

I don't get on with my mother. She was horrible to me and I feel a fraud every time I see her. She is 90 this year we will have the relevant celebrations I will cook a great dinner for her and her sisters and will hate every minute of it. I'm 60 and my childhood memories are still fresh in my mind talk to my sister she had a different childhood her memories are better than mine she was curly and blonde and fitted the profile of a good child. Heavens above I still feel guilty for feeling like this, she beat love out of me and I can't feel anything for her. Who can love a woman who says that kissing babies is wrong. She would hit me then expect me to apologise and tell her that I loved her.

[Janecc]

Yes spanky2 we did too apparently. We were given everything according to my mother - apart from love and security. Although I should qualify, my brother was given everything. In many ways, he had a very privileged childhood. I was a spectator as he was given the horse, the motorbike to zip round the fields in, the 3 scrap cars to zoom around the fields in (although if I was extra nice and he wasn't bashing me around he let me use them), the dog (that my brother had for his birthday and would hit me if I touched the dog). I got dolls and "girls" stuff. I occasionally "visited" the small holding I lived on. Couldn't touch the chickens - they may peck my eyes out. I developed an attachment to the 2 calves because my brother wasn't interested in them until I was told they would be sold for meat when they got big (the two things I was allowed to do was bag up manure to sell and formula feed the cows). Father wanted a small holding and I was a spectator and it wasn't enjoyable. I was a china doll according to my father. To my mother I was just a reciprocal and feeling machine for her pain and anger. They did do things with us and took us places and on holiday but I spent most of my time whilst at home hiding in my bedroom, which wasn't my own as she invaded it regularly and refused to knock as it was her house. My brother suffered more on the physical abuse front and for me it was the emotional abuse. I got the physical abuse from brother instead. We weren't neglected on a basic food, shelter or clothing way.

[spanky2]

This is very similar to my childhood. I've gone nc and have been left with depression, anxiety and the ptsd you talked of.
Sadly as my mum got older she behaved appallingly in public too. It's my dad too. He has said and done some awful things that can't ever be forgiven. He always seemed like the nice one when I was growing up as he hid behind my loud volatile mum. When I saw who he really was it broke my heart.
Thank you for sharing as it is so isolating and people with normal parents have absolutely no idea what it's like. After talking to another relative they asked me 'but you had a happy childhood though.' Um no it was frightening and lonely!

[caramac04]

Rudie are you my sister? Slightly flippant comment aside I totally identify with your post.
I had 6 hours of hypnotherapy and it was money very well spent. Sorted out loads of stuff but scars remain. However I am a different person in many ways now and no longer feel a duty to my abuser. As I said before, my life is so much better now I have ceased contact.

[Janecc]

I saw a clinical psychologist many years ago on the NHS but that was for the loss of my father. In those times, I was able to access to the psychologist until the issue was resolved. In the event, I moved area so although I was on a more even keel, I hadn't scratched the surface of my problems. Since then, everything has been private but I did live abroad for almost 10 years so it includes that stuff too. I travel to see a lady called Wendy Dunning. She wrote a book of poems about life scenarios called "Rhymes of Life - Freedom". It's very calming and poignant, it's available on Amazon. She's been a great teacher and healer.

[Lottapianos]

I saw a psychotherapist privately. Hands down the best money I have ever spent. I fully recognise that I was fortunate enough to be in a position to afford it.

In my experience, having an abusive parent is absolutely not something you can come to terms with in 10 or 12 sessions of CBT. I was in weekly therapy for nearly 6 years. It was the most painful thing I have ever been through, but absolutely worth it. I'm a much calmer, less angry person for it and I like myself a lot more than I used to. I can't recommend it enough, so long as you realise its not a quick fix

[JellyBeansHaveNoAgeLimit]

lastuser I totally agree with you about the forgiveness thing as well. I don't want to just forgive my mother. For me, peace would come from her admitting her mistakes without any excuses.

To those who have received psychotherapy, did you access this through your gp? I've recently had cbt for social anxiety but didn't really get a chance to discuss my 'mummy issues'

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I think therapeutic forgiveness is more about you "letting it go" rather than feeling that what happened was in an way forgiveable. You are forgiving them for being the person they are, rather than for what they did.

[Janecc]

lastuser I'm using forgiveness as part of acceptance and vis versa to set me free, not in the sense of clueless people. For me, these words invoque feelings of peace and honouring/caring for the self. I wish you peace

[lastuseraccount123]

I'm not even aiming for forgiveness, I'm aiming for acceptance. I personally really dislike the way 'forgiveness' is used as a truncheon to beat people like us over the head "oh you have to forgive" etc, often like the PP said by people who've never walked in our shoes. I'm not saying I'll never forgive her, but I feel no obligation to forgive her either. If I do it will happen naturally.