Guest post: 'The moment I knew I had to give up drinking'

[MumsnetGuestPosts]

On 20 September 2013, I drank my last alcoholic drink. As a nurse who cares for liver disease patients, I had seen the physical impact of booze, but also the psychological and social impacts – I knew I had to stop.

My own drinking started when I was a teenager and had slowly increased over 25 years, from light social drinking to drinking heavily every day. I had become psychologically dependent on booze – all attempts to try to moderate my drinking had failed. I have two young children, and I didn't want them to experience what I did growing up. As a child, I remember finding my parents passed out in the garden in the middle of the day, drunk. I had been terrified for them.

I remember going to a barbecue with friends. They were the perfect hosts and our wine glasses remained topped up all day. By about 7.30pm, I was beginning to feel worse for wear and asked my husband if we could leave. He didn't realise what a state I was close to being in, and said that the kids were still having a ball so we should stay.

I went and passed out on the sofa. Later, we walked home with the children – I was reeling, and remember cannoning off the verges and falling over many times. I even stopped to spend a penny – in front of my kids. I remember crawling up the stairs on my hands and knees and passing out cold.

I had done the very thing I swore to myself I would never do to my own kids.

It wasn't rock bottom, as such – it took me another four months to stop – but it was part of a slow realisation that my self-esteem, and my confidence in my ability to function without booze, had been completely eroded.

Alcohol is a silent public health epidemic, and both my professional and personal lives have shown me just how true this is. It feels like our whole country has an issue with booze. 85% of the population drink, and although the message from the drinks industry is always one of 'responsibility', I've never drunk moderately in my entire life - and neither have most of the people I know.

Most of my family and friends don't acknowledge that my husband and I don't drink any more. We have had some very negative reactions to our sobriety, as if we're snubbing those we socialise with. People seem to take it personally, like it says something about their drinking habits rather being a reflection of a change we wanted to make in our own lives. People will try very hard to get you to have 'just one', as if, if we're all in the same boat - all 'just having a swift half' - then we don't have to think about what it's doing to our health.

Alcohol is ingrained in our society because it is our first response to anything and everything. Birth, wedding, divorce, funeral? Have a drink. Christmas, New Year, birthday? A large one. Good day at work, bad day at home with the kids? Celebrating or commiserating? Open a bottle. It's like we don't know how to connect or express ourselves emotionally without involving alcohol. A few glasses of wine will lubricate that deep-and-meaningful you've been meaning to have with a friend for ages, or get your boss on side in the pub after work, won't it? Alcohol is woven into our everyday lives, and picking up a bottle at the supermarket is as ubiquitous as getting milk and bread. Drinking is so normalised in this country that not to do so marks you out as 'weird'.

There's an old adage that says 'you only have a drink problem if you drink more than your MP or your GP', and with the House of Commons spending £1.4m on alcohol to stock their bars in two years, one has to question how seriously the political class takes this issue. At your GP's surgery, you will be offered an Alcohol Brief Intervention if you drink more than the recommended unit guidelines and will be advised to cut down a bit, but that's about it. It feels like nobody is taking our country's escalating drinking problem seriously.

Things are starting to change, though. There are lots of resources appearing online to support people who want to cut down or stop completely. There are hundreds of sober bloggers just like me, there are online communities like Soberistas, and a new documentary film called - which looks at how alcohol has become such a big part of British culture - is due to premier in London shortly. And maybe, this Alcohol Awareness Week, we should all think about how much we drink, why, and whether we could stop.

[Moniker1]

Are people really more interesting and better fun when drunk?

I find people who have had more than a couple of drinks poor company - they rabbit on and on and are oblivious to the fact they are dominating the conversation, boring everyone rigid (they miss the hints and cues that tell you to shut up thanks, we've heard that a million times before). In fact they put a dampener on events as they can't do banter or anything which requires quick thinking.

Likewise once they are a bit too flamboyant on the dance floor they are just an embarrassment. Not someone enjoying themselves, but someone drunk.

When I was a teenager, this was hilarious, seeing friends fall over, behave ridiculously, but you were drinking with friends the same age, in the same boat. Not publicly at pubs/ social events.

So do I have the wrong idea about drunks not adding to the fun or have I just got less tolerant now I'm older??

[sunflower49]

moniker I agree , when I am NOT drinking, drunks are tiresome and annoying. I also hate the way they laugh at EVERYTHING! 'HAHAHA you tripped up getting out of your car!! HAHAHA you dropped your bag!!' 'HAHHA I forgot the way to the loo and nearly went in the men's.' Maybe that's just me being a miserable sod though

Ugh.

If I drink I prefer to stay at the tipsy/chatty stage and now and again, I think that's fine (now and again!) The trouble with me (I only say that as I dont' feel I can speak for anybody else although I suspect It's true for many), It's hard to keep at that stage!Once people are tipsy, they think they need another, and it all becomes fun and frivolous and 'Go on!I've not seen you for ages!/It's my birthday/It's Friday/ It's my hen night'etc etc. I don't have a high tolerance to alcohol but a lot of my friends do, and yet I am encouraged to 'keep up'.

Thank you, lucy as I said I don't think I am an alcoholic or even dependent, but It's a bad habit and that's exactly what it has become for me, a habit. One I don't want to have any longer.

The day's over, nothing else to do-DP says 'Want a glass of wine?' I say 'ooh yes go on then'. Sometimes I don't even think about it until the point where he says that, or I go to the fridge and there's a bottle there and my tastebuds waken up and I fancy it. I got into the habit of relaxing via booze.

And It's not a healthy way to relax. It's so difficult though because I think in some ways, it CAN be more than okay. When I've had very stressful times, one big glass of red, and I feel so much more comfortable, I can sleep, It's preferable to worrying and staying awake. Also I work funny hours and if I get in from work and I find I am wide awake even though I'm shattered, I sometimes relax with a drink until I feel sleepy. If It's kept to that, and It's infrequent, I think that's fine. But then it becomes a habit-I got into the habit of pouring a drink, showering, getting ready for bed and then drinking it. Sometimes, I didn't even finish it before sleeping!It was a ritual.

It's when you then go back to that glass of wine and then it becomes the bottle, each and every time something goes minorly wrong. And when that starts to occur, It's hard to pinpoint it! When is it okay and what makes it not okay?Is it frequency?Is it WHY you drink that glass or more?Is it when you begin to make excuses for why you deserve one?

It's cultural and It's also an aspect of consumer society, and It's wrong.

[Lottapianos]

No you're right Moniker. When im not drinking, I find that people become very dull once they're a couple of drinks in - talking rubbish at great length, getting louder, talking over each other. Very tedious. I'm sure I do the same myself after a couple of pints!

[Lucy2610]

I'm much less tolerant of folks after a few than I used to be - but that's probably because before I didn't care as I'd probably drank more than them! sunflower I think it's not about how much you drink, or how often you drink but as you say why you drink. For me it became the way to manage my emotions, even if it was to blot them out. That's when the habit becomes more difficult as I stopped looking for other ways to manage things and that became my 'go to' response. Now I'll go for a run, have a bath, meditate, cry, reach out to someone, go to the cinema, have some chocolate - and they all work just as well for me now :)

[LalyRawr]

I've never drunk an alcoholic drink.

My whole family (parents and brother) were killed by a drunk and high driver. I've never ever touched the stuff. I've never seen the point. Anytime I'm offered alcohol I see their faces. In the morgue. No one has ever offered me alcohol twice.

I still socialise and unfortunately I'm still the person who trips up and puts their foot in their mouth, because I'm just naturally stupid!

Alcohol kills. But it's not always you who dies.

[LalyRawr]

Meant to say, I have no problem with people drinking around me. I still go to bars and clubs etc.

The only time I kick up a fuss is if someone has had a drink (even just 1) and intends to drive. Then I go into full blow ballistic, guilt trip, will happily call the police mode.

I don't care if you kill yourself through drink, that's your call to make, but I'm not going to allow you to potentionally kill someone else.

[JaneAHersey]

Dr Maggie Atkinson, the Children's Commissioner for the UK commissioned a report about 18 months ago on the effect of parental alcohol abuse on children in order to attempt to raise awareness.

Too many children are left to care and carry the stress of parent/s who have alcohol, emotional and drug problems. This often means lifelong trauma for the child. Children do not cope with stress well and don't have the experience of life to deal with their parent's anxiety.

[DixieTreats]

What utter bollocks.

You may as well just have written: "I gave up."

[glidingpig]

What's utter bollocks? The original post? Why?

[BigglesFliesUndone]

It may be 'utter bollocks' to you Dixie, but actually some people who have a real struggle with alcohol and have ruined their own and possibly other lives through the addiction, need to have some support and knowledge that other people have also been through this and they're not alone. Just my thoughts.

[brokeneggshells]

Maybe you could enlighten us as to what you disagree with and find 'bollocks' Dixie because as it stands a statement like that is very dismissive and actually adds nothing to the thread with no explanation.

[TheHoneyBadger]

but WHY do we as a nation have an issue with drink?

what is it about our lives nowadays where the only pleasure we can reliably turn to is a bottle of wine? how stressed and exhausted and skint and short of time are we that the only way we can unwind is reaching for a bottle?

i know they go on about alcohol being expensive but actually if it is the ONLY leisure activity you have and have time for and can afford and doesn't require childcare or energy or transport then???

the constant we should all stop it doesn't address for me why we are all doing it.

i'd love to know if alcohol use goes up with the reducing of leisure time, leisure resources, disposable income, etc and the increase of stress and pressure and anxiety and depression related illnesses and conditions. that would be my thesis.

i think many of us are living such impoverished lives on all fronts these days that the only reliable pleasure people have is alcohol and fatty sugary foods - things that can be quickly and relatively reached for from the sofa you're stuck on for a couple of hours between working, collecting, feeding, putting kids to bed and passing out yourself in order to do it all over again.

[TheHoneyBadger]

i also think it's a fast acting destressor in a world where we literally do not have the time or space to actually wind down naturally.

[Greyhound]

I used to drink every night without fail. It was expensive and unhealthy.

Now, I have cut down a lot.

I am very interested in the relationship women have with drink. Wine is heavily marketed towards women over 20, just as beer is to young men.

I would never have necked back beer in the evenings, but I drank wine like it was going out of fashion.

I am not going teetotal - I still enjoy a glass or two of wine. However, seeing two female friends (talented and in high profile jobs) lose everything to booze. Their drinking didn't become a major issue until their 40s. Both have lost their marriages, children and been struck off from their professions - very sad.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I drink, and have no intention of stopping. However, I never have, and never wil have, any problem with what other people are drinking and not drinking, and I can't think of very many people I know who would hassle someone for wanting a soft drink rather than an alcoholic one.
Maybe it's just that the people I tend to socialise with are all (in one way or another) non-conforming to mainstream society, so a lot more comfortable with allowing other people to be themselves and make their own choices. So I suppose what I would say to those who are getting pestered by friends to drink alcohol when they don't want to is: find some more interesting friends.

[Lucy2610]

AgentDiNizzo Psychological dependence can tip over to physical dependence/addiction in a matter of weeks with pretty much no warning. I wasn't having a jab at the NHS - I work for them - but there is a big gap between an IBA and detox treatment for physical dependence. Also I am not defined by my decision about whether I drink or not it is just one facet of who I am but booze can become a pretty overwhelming issue for some people as it was for me. Sharing our stories can help others see that they are not alone.

[glidingpig]

I guess I'd rather be defined by something I did do rather than something I didn't.

That depends on what sobriety means for you, though, doesn't it? For some it is as huge as regaining a life they were on the verge of losing. I'd find that significant enough to blog about if it were me. Becoming sober and embracing life without addiction is something people do. It's not 'just' not drinking.

[Lucy2610]

AgentDiNizzo I wasn't saying that an IBA did not have value nor suggesting that all that present with problem drinking should be referred for psychiatric ax. There are many of us out here getting sober using the blogging platform as our community as opposed to AA or the NHS. As I said before, it does not define me, but if sharing my story helps others then that is something I perceive as a positive rather than a negative.

[Moniker1]

It is a funny thing this drinking in the UK. We have lost the shame attached to being seen drunk in public. I've lived in the US and they really do just have a drink, one drink. Or possibly, for men, a couple of cans of beers. Maybe society tells them it's ok to relax after work with a couple of drinks, and that's it. Whereas in our society it is fine to get blootered as you are 'enjoying yourself'.

Imo putting wine and beer into supermarkets was a big error because it put wine in the same food category as bread instead of being something you went to a licensed store for, for special occasions.

Imagine now if you had to go to a specific store every time you bought wine. Neighbours might pass comment if you were there twice a week. It could be a deterrent.

I suspect that the gov makes too much income from taxing booze for them to seriously try to curtail it. It's filling the gap left by reduced tobacco use. But it's funny smoking is so controlled ie not in public places etc. When drinking is not.

It's a drug which affects your brain and gives you a feelgood feeling. Sadly it also affects your judgement so it is hard to stop at one or two.

[70hours]

Wow - I can't believe some if the negative comments on here. going to the GP and acknowledging you have a problem is a major step. ago be given a leaflet on the safe number of units per week and maybe a LFT does not help. In fact in my case - because the GP didn't seem concerned it allowed me to delude myself into thinking I can't be that bad.

Agentdinizzo - I loved the blog - it supported me because I guess I can relate - I guess you can't. In that case don't read it. I wouldn't read a blog about something that didn't interest me - why would I.

Reading on here recently there's is always a new thread popping up about reducing/cutting out wine intake - sometimes in relation to health, sometimes weight. I think it is becoming a bigger and bigger problem in our society.

[Lucy2610]

Thanks 70 and moniker I agree with everything you wrote :)

[brokeneggshells]

Id rather be defined by something I did do rather than something I didnt

So would I. I'd rather be defined as being a good mother, friend and girlfriend. By having other interests, volunteering, studying or working hard. By having self esteem, happiness and motivation. However these things are lead from my sobriety. Not drinking is only a facet of me but without it I can feel other areas of my life erode. Im not happy, I have no motivation, I certainly dont feel like a good mother who is giving them my all.

[Eliza22]

I was a "sensible" drinker until I met my now DH and I started to see it as "part of the evening's social set up" to have a drink because he drank more than anyone I know. My first husband was teetotal and consequently, so was I. Then, when we had a series of huge family traumas, I drank to get through it. Simple as. I would wake in the morning and have no idea of what I'd watched the previous evening or even going to bed. I never had a hangover which was odd. I knew it had to change.

I like to think now, that I am a social drinker but actually, I know it's still too much.