Guest post: 'As a mother, why do I have to justify taking time for myself?'

[MumsnetGuestPosts]

Towards the end of January, I left my husband and children and went away for a month. I went to write a book, which I had been researching and thinking about since the end of 2009. I had been struggling to find a way to write regularly, and I was terribly frustrated.

Before I went, people were a mixture of incredulous, aghast and envious. ‘A month?’ was the usual uncensored reaction. And yet when my husband went away for the same period in November, no one batted an eyelid. Travelling to the other side of the world for a month to earn money is considered a ‘good thing’, if a man does it. My husband was a hero in all respects: for going to China to work, for suggesting I have a month away to match his, and for holding the fort while I was absent.

It didn't seem to make any difference that I was also going away to work too - that writing is my work. My favourite response came from a complete stranger in the form of a tweet: “A month away from your kids to write? Seriously?! I miss mine after a weekend! Quite selfish really!”

So why are people so shocked by a woman choosing to be apart from her children? The idea stubbornly persists, like a grass stain on trousers, that children belong to the mother. Mothers are always assumed to be the primary carers. Is it because babies come out of their bodies? Some would argue it is natural, but I'd argue it's cultural: a hangover from a patriarchy in which women were aligned with household goods as so many pieces of property. It's a prejudice that needs to be changed. Children belong to themselves, and men and women make them and raise them.

My month away was ‘me time’, but not in the way that consumerism has sold it back to us. I didn't need a bubble bath or a pedicure - why on earth would I want to spend the precious free minutes I do have trapped in an overheated salon with a total stranger buffing my toes? What I needed was time away from the domestic space to think. Once women become mothers, it is astonishingly simple to convince that they no longer need or deserve this kind of time; that they must keep all the domestic plates spinning, so that everyone around them can live full and meaningful lives.

Before I went, I would try to write every day - and every day, errands and chores would claim my attention. I found it absolutely impossible, whatever rituals and tricks I tried, to get anywhere. I just felt I couldn't sit down until everything - with the kids, the house - was taken care of. And it’s not that my husband doesn't pull his weight (he does), but it is in my head all the time, like limescale. Will the kids get to their after-school club? What's the GPs number? Where's the PE kit?

And - would you believe - my husband coped just fine. He had the kids’ timetable pinned to the fridge, made his meal plans, shopped for them, worked from home, did his best to get them to their after-school activities, and didn't worry about it when our son baulked. He made them do their homework, he read to them, he squabbled with them, and got frustrated - just like I do. By the end of the month he was telling me authoritatively that "the children are just doing too many activities".

I wrote over 50,000 words in 20 days. I didn't really take time off, so much as go away to use my time better, and come back finally relieved of what had been in my head for four years. I was incredibly lucky to have this time – a husband currently working from home, an opportunity seized. But the questions remain: why do we hear so rarely of mothers leaving the family to pursue - for however brief a time - their work, their passions, their dreams? Is it societal pressure? Unwilling partners? The limits we ourselves place on our own desires? Or a combination, perhaps, of all three?

In memory of my beautiful friend Jane Richardson, who died from Ovarian Cancer in February. Thank goodness for the ‘me time’ we had.

[Sonotkylie]

Not a writer myself and as a sheepdog type of person who spends most of here time rounding the family up and encouraging together activities (OK a control freak), a month away would not be my choice, but I entirely understand the need for clearing ones head of the daily nonsense. It clearly worked well for the whole family and gave her husband the chance to get closer to his childrens' lives - what's wrong with that? It is interesting to read about the different choices we all make, even if it wouldn't suit us. Can we really not accept those differences without castigating someone else's choices?

[WhatHo]

I also think it's an age thing.

My DDs are 2 and 4, and me going away for a month would be unkind - the 4 yo would take it very hard and the 2 yo wouldn't understand. This isn't just a woman thing - my hands-on DH is about to have a major op which will leave him unable to spend time with the kids for about 3 weeks (though he will be around in a madwoman in the attic sort of way) and we have discussed in detail how we will handle it and who it will effect them.

It would also be cruel to me - I left them for 6 nights a year ago with their very capable gps and by night 5 I ached to be with them. I couldn't sleep for missing them. (first 3 nights I was dancing a fandango).

But if your kids are old enough to comprehend and have a sense time and how short a month is - why not? What harm can it do? They were left with a loving, competent parent, not abandoned in the woods to fend for themselves. As a PP said, does this mean single fathers are incapable?

[Kudzugirl]

Don't justify it. Ignore the chatter. If you can train yourself to do this you'll ignore the chatter from the household stuff that interfered with the creative and working process in the first place.

This is one reason why my work desk never had photos of my family, artwork or other stuff on it. I was at work. Work was not an extension of my home life. I wanted to concentrate fully and not have one psychological foot in another life, another role.

I understand why the blogger has written this- to open up a dialogue but If more women simply stopped being excusive (is that even a word) and stopped engaging in the endless query-criticise-justify cycle we are drawn into, maybe it would die down. Don't feed the beast.

[Kudzugirl]

Ragwort

I agree. my goal as a parent was to raise children who, if I died would be very sad but the practicalities of their life would go on regardless - clean clothing, decent meals, outings, love and care.

No task is sacred to either parent.

[Shlurpbop]

I go away for a week twice a year. I do it, not for work, but to spend time doing my hobby which, if I let it, could quite easily take over most of my free time (as it does with many men doing the same hobby)
This is me and my DH's compromise.
Incidentally, his hobby takes place most weekends for most of the day (either sat or sun). I accept this. I enjoy spending the time with our DD.
I do find it funny that it is ok for him as a father to spend time out every weekend, whereas I save mine up. This seems to be more acceptable to people around us (family and friends), rather than the other way round (weekly absent mother).
I think that as long as it works for the family, it's no one else's business!

[AcrossthePond55]

I spent 9 weeks away from my then aged 2 and aged 7 DSs to complete a training program that was mandatory for a new position at work. Frankly, it was harder on me than it was on them. They were perfectly content with their Dad (SAHD at that time), the household ran smoothly, schoolwork was completed, DS2 was potty trained, and I returned to a well run household and 2 DCs who were happy to see me and by no means 'damaged' because Mummy wasn't there to oversee everything.

Sometimes I think we mothers tell ourselves that we are absolutely necessary to our families, when in truth, they would manage without us. It is our families that are absolutely necessary to us!

Despite what some people think, a loving and caring father CAN do just as good a job as a loving and caring mother. The widower of my cousin (who died the day after their 2nd child was born) was an excellent father and needed no more help than a new mum would. We BOTH learn as we go! It's not like God appears in a cloud in the delivery room (or the adoption hearing) and slaps 'all-knowledge' into a mother's head!

[motherinferior]

I'm off later this year for less than a month, partly in connection with a book project I'm working on...and I cannot bloody wait. I'll probably miss my kids but, you know, I've seen quite a lot of them over the past 13 years...

[Trapper]

How are you so sure it was because you are a woman - could have been that it was because you are a freelance writer? There is a huge difference between going to work on a project for your employer and going away to work on your novel in my eyes. I don't care whether you are male or female in either scenario - maybe you are overthinking or looking for a feminist angle when there isn't one? Writer-ist possibly...

[mercibucket]

so did the book sell? if so, yes, it was a job. otherwise, no it was creative writing

would people have been so judgemental if you were going on a paid month somewhere? sales? a conference? a teaching circuit? doubt it. i know plenty of women who go abroad for weeks on end on salaried or self employed work. noone raises an eyebrow. this is all about the work not being guaranteed to earn anything imo. even your title implies 'creative writing break'

[Kudzugirl]

I agree that none of my friends would raise an eyebrow at this- Forces Women do it all the time.

[merrymouse]

The idea that no parent ever, in whatever career, should be able to leave their family for a month or more is completely unrealistic. The effect on the children will depend on the individual family, their resources and how they organise themselves.

The idea that it is fine for a man to do this but not a woman is just depressing.

The nature of writing and other kinds of art is that it might or might not make money.

[Oblomov]

OP didn't oh away got done me time. She did it for work, to write. Not to escape the monotony of every day life. She didn't sit in solitude, read, find herself, paint her nails.
And I bet she skyped them every night, so no away that much either.

[mercibucket]

'taking time for myself'

if my dh said that he was taking a month off work unpaid to
'take time for himself'
i wonder what my friends would say

[scottishmummy]

You know I think you're deliberately trying to provoke reaction,as if you wafted off on whim
You in fact went to do freelance writing,as you saying you were going off to work too.same as partner who travelled to work
I think you're purposefully misleading to generate posts,you dud not have you time.you were working

[Heathcliff27]

I would love to waft off on a whim. Being a wife, mother, working etc is bloody hard work for me and sometimes it's overwhelming. The idea of taking time out for whatever reason sounds lovely but I wonder what the reality would actually be like.

[MotherIsTheBestBet]

Describing your work as "taking time for yourself" is the big problem here.

[scottishmummy]

Your opening title is misleading,you don't have to justify a work related trip
You've simply done what a lot of working parents do,eg went on work trip
Now had you wafted off,not working,simply going To reflect,search fulfilment etc
that's different.but in fact you went on planned work trip

[SmallestInTheClass]

Well said coffee. I think if the DH had been writing for his month away from the kids he'd have had the same reaction. To me the reaction of people is more about the job than the fact she is the mother. There are plenty of jobs as listed above that can only be done with time away from home - it's true these are more commonly done by men, but not always. I agree you need peace and quiet to write, but that could be going somewhere close to home each day to work and still seeing your kids and DH in the evenings. That's different to a job where you need to be somewhere a continent away. Personally, I changed job so I didn't have to spend weeks at a time away from my kids, but wouldn't judge anyone (man or woman) for staying in a job that required it. I regularly work evenings when the kids are in bed so that I still get to see them and couldn't do my job with them round the house, but if they go to nursery for the day, that's a lot of hours in the week. She could even have chosen to go away for a week at a time and still seen something of her family. She doesn't say the travel was for fact finding related to her book, just it was getting away from it all, so doesn't sound like it needed to be far away from home to do that. I'm all for having some days away from home or taking time out for me time, but a month is a lot. She has the air of someone who has said to DH - you had your month away, now I want mine.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

It doesn't say she went far from home.

[Technotropic]

Lol men aren't heroes if they go on a work trip. They're just going away and most of the time it's bloody miserable anyway.

Make your mind up though OP. If no one batted an eyelid when your OH went away then how come these same people considered him a hero?

The secret here is that no one needs to justify taking time for themselves. If you want to fly off then organise it, speak to your OH and get going.

[YeahBitchMagnets]

If nothing else this thread has added weight to my long held theory that most blogs written by women with children are a load of pointless, self absorbed, needy old bollocks. So many of them and so few of any worth. I'm so over reading other women's dull musings on 'Me Myself And I' all with the same recurrent theme of how tough and yet fascinating it is to be them.

Apart from a handful of worthy exceptions where the whole blog revolves around a very niche and specific subject matter, I think I can safely say that the majority of blogs I have seen via MN have been nothing more than a load of navel gazing, or bellyaching over an imagined problem, or a first world problem, or a real problem that the blogger just doesn't think they've had enough attention or sympathy over yet.


Newsflash people, you don't actually have a daily national newspaper column where an editor is screeching at you to get your copy in. It's just the very enormous internet. There are millions of you, each as forgettable as the next. There is no need to lay awake at night dreaming up your next not-very-fascinating and not-very-unique POV on what it's like to be a woman and a mother in the complex modern world. Really. Most of us already know, thanks.

It wil be a good day for women the day women stop wanting to rake over and analyse and justify every little thing they do or don't do TO OTHER FUCKING WOMEN. It's getting embarrassing.

[scottishmummy]

You're all over the shop op.your time away is worthy me timeand of note,
Yet according to you another woman me time in a salon is consumerism
How utterly patronising you are

And no,children don't belong to themselves,they are initially wholly dependent on another for food,nurture,development,stimulation .they don't have a belonging, they have a mutual relationship with carer.ideally there is a reciprocated love and regard

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

"It wil be a good day for women the day women stop wanting to rake over and analyse and justify every little thing they do or don't do TO OTHER FUCKING WOMEN. It's getting embarrassing."

That's Mumsnet fucked, then

[scottishmummy]

How comes some of you think any vigorous discussion amongst women is to be avoided,or a bad thing
It very much smacks of women know your place,be nice,don't for nasty arguing
I'm not compelled to agree with a woman,because she's a woman.nor will I

[maggiemight]

Don't think she was deliberately looking for empathy more reflecting how she perceived others' responses, which were along the lines of 'oooo, selfish mummy enjoying herself' and 'oooo, selfless father putting his children first'

Which might be the case in the older generation but we are slowly moving away from this. I hope.