Guest post: 'As a mother, why do I have to justify taking time for myself?'

[MumsnetGuestPosts]

Towards the end of January, I left my husband and children and went away for a month. I went to write a book, which I had been researching and thinking about since the end of 2009. I had been struggling to find a way to write regularly, and I was terribly frustrated.

Before I went, people were a mixture of incredulous, aghast and envious. ‘A month?’ was the usual uncensored reaction. And yet when my husband went away for the same period in November, no one batted an eyelid. Travelling to the other side of the world for a month to earn money is considered a ‘good thing’, if a man does it. My husband was a hero in all respects: for going to China to work, for suggesting I have a month away to match his, and for holding the fort while I was absent.

It didn't seem to make any difference that I was also going away to work too - that writing is my work. My favourite response came from a complete stranger in the form of a tweet: “A month away from your kids to write? Seriously?! I miss mine after a weekend! Quite selfish really!”

So why are people so shocked by a woman choosing to be apart from her children? The idea stubbornly persists, like a grass stain on trousers, that children belong to the mother. Mothers are always assumed to be the primary carers. Is it because babies come out of their bodies? Some would argue it is natural, but I'd argue it's cultural: a hangover from a patriarchy in which women were aligned with household goods as so many pieces of property. It's a prejudice that needs to be changed. Children belong to themselves, and men and women make them and raise them.

My month away was ‘me time’, but not in the way that consumerism has sold it back to us. I didn't need a bubble bath or a pedicure - why on earth would I want to spend the precious free minutes I do have trapped in an overheated salon with a total stranger buffing my toes? What I needed was time away from the domestic space to think. Once women become mothers, it is astonishingly simple to convince that they no longer need or deserve this kind of time; that they must keep all the domestic plates spinning, so that everyone around them can live full and meaningful lives.

Before I went, I would try to write every day - and every day, errands and chores would claim my attention. I found it absolutely impossible, whatever rituals and tricks I tried, to get anywhere. I just felt I couldn't sit down until everything - with the kids, the house - was taken care of. And it’s not that my husband doesn't pull his weight (he does), but it is in my head all the time, like limescale. Will the kids get to their after-school club? What's the GPs number? Where's the PE kit?

And - would you believe - my husband coped just fine. He had the kids’ timetable pinned to the fridge, made his meal plans, shopped for them, worked from home, did his best to get them to their after-school activities, and didn't worry about it when our son baulked. He made them do their homework, he read to them, he squabbled with them, and got frustrated - just like I do. By the end of the month he was telling me authoritatively that "the children are just doing too many activities".

I wrote over 50,000 words in 20 days. I didn't really take time off, so much as go away to use my time better, and come back finally relieved of what had been in my head for four years. I was incredibly lucky to have this time – a husband currently working from home, an opportunity seized. But the questions remain: why do we hear so rarely of mothers leaving the family to pursue - for however brief a time - their work, their passions, their dreams? Is it societal pressure? Unwilling partners? The limits we ourselves place on our own desires? Or a combination, perhaps, of all three?

In memory of my beautiful friend Jane Richardson, who died from Ovarian Cancer in February. Thank goodness for the ‘me time’ we had.

[Babblehag]

We as women haven't fought for equality for all these years to still get judged when we want/need to work away from the family home for a month, even though the father of the family did the same thing 6 months ago.

Ridiculous how backwards some people are!

[allhailqueenmab]

Lesmacarons, that is a very interesting post.

I find this horribly resonant:

"It is possible to drift in to a slightly depressive state without realising it. It becomes 'the way it is' - but in fact you are living a miserable life and just putting up with it. Nobody should have to do that for money or someone else."

What will your ex do instead of his current job?

[atthestrokeoftwelve]

lesmacarons- not sure if that is just shift workers though. My OH has a demanding day job. He is gone from 6.30 am until 8pm 6 days a week, and often works away. I have no family support, and I have found it impossible to find a job that would fit around looking after children. My son has had health problems over the years meaning a lot of time off school, so finding paid employment has been impossible. I do work 30 hours a week, I am self employed and work from home, but he work is low level compared to whay I did before kids ( I am a science graduate and worked in research before becoming a mother) I have found it very frustrating to be so sidelined. I naiively though that parenthood was going to be a joint venture, but it hasn't turned out that way. OH took exactly one day off as paternity leave- with each child- and that was the actual day of the birth.

[maggiemight]

Also DPs who work overseas regularly, similar probs of them not ever being around to do their share. But the money compensates, though not indefinitely.

[Lesmacarons]

I have just old my ex partner that I am not prepared to accommodate his shift work job any longer. Some people might think it is a strange move, but I have had 23 years of working around the fathers of my children and I've had enough.

My youngest is now 13 and some might say 'she is nearly grown up - why now'. well, 13 year olds still need a lot of input and with working around someone who works ridiculous unpredictable shifts - I cannot plan anything. Expensive childcare is the only answer and I have to pay for it out of my income.

The problems are this, so I would say, think hard if you choose a partner who works shifts:

You cannot even plan an evening out or a class without arranging and paying for childcare.

You end up doing jobs that you are over qualified for and just fit in with the kids.

After a long while the fathers get so used to the idea that you are available 24 childcare that they just do not see it as a problem - because it isn't a problem for them.

You can plan a career, but it often doesn't feel fair on the child. You can feel that you are abandoning them with no one if one partner pursues a career relentlessly and then you do the same. I just ended up taking the hit and staying home more so that they would have some quality of family life.

You basically function as a single parent most of the time but without the freedom to make entirely your own choices. As a single parent you do have some other advantages in that regard. With this situation it really can feel that you have the downsides of both single and couple parenthood, because they come home and want to tell you what they feel you should be doing!

The kids don't like it - they like routine and they don't know from one day to the next what is likely to happen.

It is possible to drift in to a slightly depressive state without realising it. It becomes 'the way it is' - but in fact you are living a miserable life and just putting up with it. Nobody should have to do that for money or someone else.

I'm sure there are women out there who don't mind or think that the money is worth it, but I have met quite a lot of women in this position who are permanently dealing with low level stress and a borderline depressive state.

[SirChenjin]

For the first time ever I find myself agreeing with Scottishmummy.

[scottishmummy]

I think it's risible that she's chuffed she's not getting a pedi,or that anyone agrees
spending money in salon is simply shallow Consumerism,but a work trip is right on?aye right
I'm afraid like most blogs,esp mummy blogs,it's indulgent,how hard it is being you

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

And given the talk of PE kits and after school clubs, they are at school and doing extended hours.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Atthe, the OP said her DH is currently working from home.

[Offred]

Merry quoting from the court transcripts there!

[atthestrokeoftwelve]

Depends on the level of care that the children have when you leave. I couldn't leave my OH for a month, my kids would be very unhappy. And he certainlycouldn't get the time off work. My childen need me on a day to day basis.

[merrymouse]

"Has anyone on your books carried out a heist recently?... Yes I fully admit becoming involved in an altercation over a parent and child parking space.,,."

[merrymouse]

"I'm not above meeting my fellow inmates as long as they have sufficiently interesting back stories"

[merrymouse]

"So judge, I'm looking for something a bit retreat like with maybe a writing course and a famous visiting writer thrown in..."

[Offred]

How has no-one else picked up on Jeffrey archer the serious author being locked away?! Ha ha ha ha ha!

[Janussi]

Wow...I so agree. Your children were with their father. I have 5 books on the go and cannot write a single word some days. My son is 25 and very low maintenance....but my list of to do things for my husband and the household takes up so much time I end up having a shower at 5 p.m., let alone writing a few words....All serious writers have me time. They lock themselves away otherwise it is impossible....think Jeffery Archer and JK Rowling.

[maggi]

I have had 2 holidays away from my children over the years. (One week in Jersey and one in Austria.) Both were last minute arrangements to just recoup and have a mini adventure exploring by myself. They were wonderful. Like going on a retreat where I could examine my life. We are not rich - these were bargains - and that was 2 escapes in 14 years. I loved every indulgent minute of them. I savored the feelings of loneliness and I called home every day.
I had no thoughts that the family couldn't cope without me. I didn't think of my hubby as a hero - he was just being Dad. I didn't get any comments about leaving my family alone but got plenty about choosing to go without a companion of any kind.

[Offred]

I thought jolly was quite clear in saying both parents rather than just the mother should avoid leaving young children for a whole month.

I have to say I broadly agree about age making a difference tbh. It is well documented that small children particularly need stability rather than specifically a mother (beyond breastfeeding) and a month is along time to be away from any parent a young child has a primary attachment to. It is more likely to be hardly any time to a teenager though.

I don't think it matters whether it is the mother, the father, a nanny or anyone else the child has a primary attachment with. I do tend to think that men have traditionally been able to go away for long periods for work without disturbing a child because the children have traditionally not had a primary attachment with them due to the exploitation of women as domestic slaves and the man's traditional role as holder of the economic power.

I don't like the type of feminism which minimises children's rights/feelings in favour of aping traditionally patriarchal male corporate behaviour, not that this is necessarily what is happening here, not enough info.

That said I think how this would work in reality probably really depends mainly on your individual family. I imagine the OP's kids would cope better than Jolly's or mine because of the difference in expectations based on our different parenting styles and beliefs.

We all take risks with our children for our own sakes as parents though, if you're a good parent you'll make sure the risks are calculated ones.

I have to say I also think it will not just be that the OP is female but that she was going away to write which reflects the prejudice against work which does not clearly fit in with capitalist expectations.

I did like the line about children belonging to themselves, it is also what I fundamentally believe in but I've learned from my parents' mistakes on that one and don't interpret it to mean leaving them with no or limited support. I think children need consistent and compassionate support of their increasing independence in order to thrive I think.

[SuzanneJS]

I returned from South Africa to the UK last year for 3 months to evict tenants, leaving my 2 kids with their step dad of 14 years, he had to travel for a week with work during my absence and the kids were fed by a neighbour.
Granted mine were 18 & 14 and the eldest was driving so school runs weren't a problem, but no one batted an eye lid, maybe life as an expat has a whole different set of expectations on family life.

[Shrinkgrowskids]

I am a child psychiatrist (= medical doctor + psychologist) and beyond breastfeeding I can't see the biological difference between father and mother in parenting, so good on you Ingrid for pursuing your dream and giving your husband a chance to bond with his children.

Given a chance men are just as capable of nurture as women, in the same way that women have proven they are capable of income generation. I think if we want a fairer society for our children we should try and move towards thinking more equitably about male and female roles in the home and workplace. I banter on continuously about this in my blog: shrinkgrowskids.com.

[SirChenjin]

I would have been more interested in what she had to say if it weren't for the "people". Perhaps the OP mixes in very limited circles (many SAHM's?), but "people" I know would veer between envy and indifference.

[Ellboo]

Good blog. Thought it was particularly insightful when she pointed out that what she doesn't need is a spa visit (eg pedicure). Isn't it fascinating that we (and I include myself in this) get time away by spending money trying to adhere to a societal vision of what we should look like, rather than learning or thinking time?!

[maggiemight]

Don't think she was deliberately looking for empathy more reflecting how she perceived others' responses, which were along the lines of 'oooo, selfish mummy enjoying herself' and 'oooo, selfless father putting his children first'

Which might be the case in the older generation but we are slowly moving away from this. I hope.

[scottishmummy]

How comes some of you think any vigorous discussion amongst women is to be avoided,or a bad thing
It very much smacks of women know your place,be nice,don't for nasty arguing
I'm not compelled to agree with a woman,because she's a woman.nor will I

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

"It wil be a good day for women the day women stop wanting to rake over and analyse and justify every little thing they do or don't do TO OTHER FUCKING WOMEN. It's getting embarrassing."

That's Mumsnet fucked, then