Guest post: 'As a mother, why do I have to justify taking time for myself?'

[MumsnetGuestPosts]

Towards the end of January, I left my husband and children and went away for a month. I went to write a book, which I had been researching and thinking about since the end of 2009. I had been struggling to find a way to write regularly, and I was terribly frustrated.

Before I went, people were a mixture of incredulous, aghast and envious. ‘A month?’ was the usual uncensored reaction. And yet when my husband went away for the same period in November, no one batted an eyelid. Travelling to the other side of the world for a month to earn money is considered a ‘good thing’, if a man does it. My husband was a hero in all respects: for going to China to work, for suggesting I have a month away to match his, and for holding the fort while I was absent.

It didn't seem to make any difference that I was also going away to work too - that writing is my work. My favourite response came from a complete stranger in the form of a tweet: “A month away from your kids to write? Seriously?! I miss mine after a weekend! Quite selfish really!”

So why are people so shocked by a woman choosing to be apart from her children? The idea stubbornly persists, like a grass stain on trousers, that children belong to the mother. Mothers are always assumed to be the primary carers. Is it because babies come out of their bodies? Some would argue it is natural, but I'd argue it's cultural: a hangover from a patriarchy in which women were aligned with household goods as so many pieces of property. It's a prejudice that needs to be changed. Children belong to themselves, and men and women make them and raise them.

My month away was ‘me time’, but not in the way that consumerism has sold it back to us. I didn't need a bubble bath or a pedicure - why on earth would I want to spend the precious free minutes I do have trapped in an overheated salon with a total stranger buffing my toes? What I needed was time away from the domestic space to think. Once women become mothers, it is astonishingly simple to convince that they no longer need or deserve this kind of time; that they must keep all the domestic plates spinning, so that everyone around them can live full and meaningful lives.

Before I went, I would try to write every day - and every day, errands and chores would claim my attention. I found it absolutely impossible, whatever rituals and tricks I tried, to get anywhere. I just felt I couldn't sit down until everything - with the kids, the house - was taken care of. And it’s not that my husband doesn't pull his weight (he does), but it is in my head all the time, like limescale. Will the kids get to their after-school club? What's the GPs number? Where's the PE kit?

And - would you believe - my husband coped just fine. He had the kids’ timetable pinned to the fridge, made his meal plans, shopped for them, worked from home, did his best to get them to their after-school activities, and didn't worry about it when our son baulked. He made them do their homework, he read to them, he squabbled with them, and got frustrated - just like I do. By the end of the month he was telling me authoritatively that "the children are just doing too many activities".

I wrote over 50,000 words in 20 days. I didn't really take time off, so much as go away to use my time better, and come back finally relieved of what had been in my head for four years. I was incredibly lucky to have this time – a husband currently working from home, an opportunity seized. But the questions remain: why do we hear so rarely of mothers leaving the family to pursue - for however brief a time - their work, their passions, their dreams? Is it societal pressure? Unwilling partners? The limits we ourselves place on our own desires? Or a combination, perhaps, of all three?

In memory of my beautiful friend Jane Richardson, who died from Ovarian Cancer in February. Thank goodness for the ‘me time’ we had.

[stheno]

Excellent blog article. I am always so disappointed that women are the harshest critics of other women's choices. And that despite the fact she was WORKING, (cos writing is working right, who knows the book could be best seller that generates income for the whole family as well a rewarding piece of creativity) she felt that it was time to herself, which for some reason society (often other women) tells mothers they must never ever have. And I am utterly fed up with fathers being called heroes for doing what mothers do EVERY DAY. Our daughters really deserve a better example of how to be women, so hats off to the author and good luck with the book

[Wurstwitch]

Ingrid, if you're around, pm me where you went I have another idea for you for next time...

and yy, anyone should be able to leave their kids for a month with the other parent, all things being considered.

I'm leaving my kids alone with their dad for two weeks this summer to run a trip for a load of other people's kids. As a volunteer. And using up my holiday to do it. the world will not fall apart. I am not indispensable as a parent.

[PoppetOne]

It's not a crime to want some time to persue something you feel is important. OPs children were cared for so why should she be judged?

[OddFodd]

I salute you Ingrid. For taking the time you want and need unashamedly.

One of the best things about my Dutch friends is that they don't seem to have the terrible weight of guilt that the British do. It's there in the language - it's direct, to the point and there's no flim-flammery that obfuscates its meaning. Unlike English.

[Jollyphonics]

Well I think we're all entitled to say exactly what we like to OP. After all, she's a blogger. She chooses to publicise her life rather than just living it, and therefore we all have the right to comment on it.

I think my opinion really depends on the age of her kids. If they're fairly independent teenagers then going away is fine. If they're young kids who are used to having her around most of the time, then in my opinion leaving them for a month is cruel.

My Mum was ill for a month when I was a young child, so me and my brother went to stay with my Dad. I've never forgotten the aching misery I felt, talking to her on the phone with a huge lump in my throat, lying in bed at night crying on my own in the dark. It was miserable.

I don't think it's a feminist issue, defending women's rights to focus on their work as much as men do. It's about taking into account the feelings of others ie your children. If you are the primary carer of young children then you shouldn't just leave them for a long period of time, whether you're a mother, father, grandparent, cousin, whatever.

I know I'll be slated though!

[OddFodd]

Jolly - From what you've said, your situation sounds very different. Your parents weren't living together and your mum's illness meant you were sent away from your usual home. Plus your mum must have been very ill which must have been really scary. None of this is true for the OP.

Having said that, I'm sure her children missed her. I'm sure she missed them too. But what if she were in the armed forces? Would you say that women in the military shouldn't have children? And why is it okay for dads to go away for months at a time and not mothers?

[Wurstwitch]

What oddfodd said, jolly. Your situation was completely and utterly different and you are projecting.

The bloggers children are in a secure two parent family, where their normal routine was maintained throughout, and there was no trauma, illness, or likelihood of demise. Mummy just went away to work for a bit.

You can comment all you like, but if you can't see the difference between that situation and your own, then there's no real point. Keep your blinkers on and argue black is white.

[AveryJessup]

The author's job is writing, which involves alone time. The author's husband's job is X which involved being in China for a month at the end of last year. So they both have jobs that require some family-free time. What's the problem as long as they're both happy, the children are happy and it works for them?

If the author self-indulgently booked a month-long travel holiday with friends just for fun, spending family money and getting to do something her husband never gets to do, then it would be unfair. As it is, it sounds like they've both agreed a fair deal for them. If the wife can manage as the solo parent while her DH is in China, why shouldn't the DH manage while she is away?

[extremepie]

I left my kids for 4 months for work at one point, it was hard but we all survived! I'm sure a lot of people thought it was wrong or unusual but I wasn't the main carer at the time as exH was a sahd and I didn't really care what anyone else thought it needed to be done!

[SheMovesWiththeSparrows]

Leaving your family for a month to work and earn money to support it is different than taking a month away for self indulgent purposes.

Fair enough the blogger wrote a book, but the title says 'justify taking time for myself'

Taking time for myself to me is having an afternoon or morning of peace, going out with my friends of a weekend.. not sodding off for a month.

I agree with this. If you already earn a solid income being a writer then you can say it's your job, if it's just a first book you wanted to get out without having a clue whether or not anyone would ever want to publish it, then it is no more a 'job' than if you'd taken a month off to paint watercolours or go skiing.

Therefore to compare it to your DH working in China is like comparing apples and oranges.

Personally I could not choose to leave my young children for a whole month. (older children are a different matter.) If I were forced to because of my actual job then of course I'd do it. But I would not choose to do it. However, I don't begrudge mothers or fathers taking time for themselves so long as the children and the partner left behind are not in any way suffering as a result, and in this case it sounds as though they were all absolutely fine and old enough to understand why mummy was not there. I can't say I don't find it a slightly odd decision under the circumstances though.

[TheMildManneredMilitant]

Great post OP. I know it's not really the focus of discussion but the part about feeling like when you're at home everything is in your head all of the time really struck a chord with me.

But no, it shouldn't be different for men and women. If this works for you all then go for it.

[Jollyphonics]

You don't need a month away from your family to be able to write! In fact, I think most people would find that their focus suffered due to missing their family so much. I think it's very harsh to leave your kids for that long if you're their primary carer (male or female), and I think it's a shame that people are more interested in seeing this as an "empowering women" issue, rather than seeing it as the cruelty that it really is.
It's not about equality, it's about how your treat your kids.

[maggiemight]

My DH worked away a lot. When we had our first DC he did something like 8 wks on 2 off in the middle east.

I just got on with being on my own. His work took him away often, with hindsight he prob could have made changes to his career. But I think he liked the adventure of being abroad and was quite glad to escape a hectic household with DCs.

Selfish in some ways. But seen by everyone as a dedicated DF in a very demanding job.

I did a good job as child rearer and am rewarded by that but don't want this for my DDs, things should be fairer.

[Bambamb]

I think this is great.
As a child my mum was the main carer and Iwas ququite aware at the time that if mum wasn't around my dad would not look after us aswell as she did. They had a stormy relationship with lots of threats to split up and it actually used to really worry me and make me feel insecure, that if mum were to leave we'd have no clean clothes and be living on beans on toast.
This story heartens me as these children know that they have TWO capable parents. It is good to demonstrate to your kids that both parents SHOULD be capable of taking care of their kids.
I have no doubt as an adult that my dad actually would have come up trumps if the worst had happened but he never needed to.My mum took care of everything and he was a distant father really. My children have a wonderfully hands on dad, I know both myself and DH could happily take time out in this way and it would be fine.
Like a pp said, that's good for the kids to see.

[maggiemight]

it's about how your treat your kids

But you are assuming that DM not being there is bad for DCs, it could be good for them and for DF to have some close time without the 'boss' being around.

DMs are convinced only they can rear happy DCs which is not necessarily true.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Both DH and I have been on holidays on our own for 7-10 days at a time since the DCs were born whilst the other stayed home.

Everyone here seems fine.

And Jolly, I can imagine it's an awful lot easier to write when that is your only focus. Missing your family takes up an awful lot less head space than tending to your family day to day.

[Ragwort]

DMs are convinced only they can rear happy DCs which is not necessarily true.

Totally agree with this; so many mothers (and yes, not many fathers) just can't comprehend that anyone else can be involved in caring for their children, many mothers like to make themselves total martyrs. Some women seem to take some sort of perverse pleasure about boasting that they have never left their children for night, no one else can settle them at bed time etc etc etc.

My job is to raise a confident, independent child and yes, that will mean leaving him with his father, grandparents or other trusted friends at times.

[OddFodd]

Jolly - you're assuming the mother is the primary carer. That may not be the case

[anchovies]

I think the big difference is whether you would/could do it yourself and whether you would judge someone else for doing it.

Personally I wouldn't do it, I would miss my dc's and dh too much to make it purposeful but I know my dh would be absolutely fine. I wouldn't however judge someone who felt it was the right thing for themselves and their family.

[kerala]

Agree op shouldn't be an issue which parent takes primary caregiver role. A work colleague left her pre schooler in the Middle East with the father and nanny so she could concentrate on her career. She was on the other side of the world from her for months at a time. Personally I would have struggled with that but her career was her priority

[bberry]

Ragwort... I totally agree with you....nice to hear a fellow parent with the same views as me

[Sadiebelle14]

I think this highlights the double standard, I know plenty of men who take a week or month away from family for work, surely (if you are not breastfeeding then their i an obvious disadvantage) men are as caring, and capable to look after children as women? I also know plenty of women who go away for girly holidays away from their families why is work such a bad thing worse than a holiday?
At the end of the day if you can bear to be away from your children (i personally can't at the moment but ask again when they are older) and you know they will be safe and loved and also you get some time for yourself then you should not have to justify it. My partner spent most of his summer holidays as a child with his grandparents because his parents couldn't take 6 weeks off work or afford childcare so why is that any different. Great post!

[CaptChaos]

It's not about equality, it's about how your treat your kids.


How about those of us, you know, people who want equality, who teach our DCs that DF can look after them just as well as DM? I take it you believe that we're all wrong, because you actually need a uterus to be able to adequately care for children?

From your point of view jolly women cannot do any job which requires them to be away from home for extended periods of time, because it's 'cruel'? How delightfully Victorian! So, as a pp has said, women in the forces are inherently cruel? Women who work for aid agencies are? Female rig workers? Female pilots? What about female academics who's research requires them to be away, they cruel too?

This IS about equality. Equality of opportunity. Equality of parenting. Equality of life.

[Enjoyingmycoffee]

What gets me is the utterly superior tone she adopts. For example, the bit about 'me time', scathing of a woman who might actually fancy a pedi. Type of person who is very defensive of her position, but at the same time has barbed comments about others' life choices.

Away from my children? Not a chance. But I don't give flying fig what anyone else does.
My thinking is that she went away for a nth, simply because it was fodder for her blog and future work.

[laughingbear]

Great post.

Sometimes spending time away can make you return a better mother. And yes, I too agree with the poster who said that it's good for children to see that women can do this as well as men; I'd say it's even more important to see that both women and men can and should a. be fulfilled / aim high in all sorts of ways, as well as being good parents, it's not an either/or and b. both can do exactly the same job when in charge of the children, it doesn't have to be the mother. (How you feel about it as a mother is another question entirely, and not their problem.)

Finally — take it from someone who is also doing it every day, and has gone away to do it too — writing is work. Hard work. (And how do you know it isn't earning money, or necessary for the poster's job prospects / the family income? Not that it has to be, but just saying.) And like it or not, sometimes it needs a clear mind, an ability to hold thoughts in suspension, that is very difficult to achieve while also trying to juggle nap-times, PE kits, breast-feeding, whatever.