Another impossible 3 yr old - what do I do?

[ponygirl]

DD ate really well as a baby then at about 1.8 she got extremely fussy and difficult about meals. I adopted the policy of giving her a plate of whatever the rest of us were having and she either ate it or didn't. No replacements, no puddings if she didn't eat. Most of the time, she didn't. I've stuck it out for TWO YEARS and things haven't improved. She always eats breakfast (2 weetabix plus raisins). Lunch is OK: sandwiches, tomato soup, crackers and fruit etc. Dinner: a nightmare. She'll eat pasta and tomato sauce with olives, pasta with pesto, fish fingers, nice veggie sausages (we don't eat meat) but only sometimes. She used to eat lots of fish and prawn dishes that dh would cook, but not now.

So what do I do now? Do I continue the eat or don't policy? If so, how do I react? I usually take the plate away but make her stay at the table until we've all eaten. I try not to make a fuss, though this routine does get frustrating, particularly as sometimes she gets really upset and whiney when she sees what's on her plate and it's not something she wants to try, which suggests to me that she's hungry but won't try it. Or, if she doesn't want to eat what the rest of us are having, do I let her have bread and butter and hope boredom kicks in? Do I continue to make her stay at the table, or let her get down and be on her own?

I thought I could cope with this as ds1 (now 5.10) was very similar and ate very little between 1.8 and 3.8, but he now eats really well and will try things. He's even started eating broccoli! But there's just no signs at all that dd (now 3.9) is improving, and we're getting really frustrated!

Any thoughts anyone on this age-old problem, anyone? Aaaargh, this is making my head hurt.

[ponygirl]

Another day: breakfast, good; lunch - one slice of bread and butter (refused soup she previously ate); refused dinner (quiche and cheesy jacket potato). Anyone?

[sportyspice]

My dd1 eats like a horse but on the occasions when she doesn't i do tend to give her an alternative because it isn't the norm for her to turn food down and i'd hate her to wake hungry in the night. Could you try giving her the food she likes but perhaps liquidising or somehow hiding in some goodness like broccoli for example or trying the old 'one mouthful for mummy, one for daddy trick'?

[Caligula]

I'd be interested to know what responses you get to this. I went through a phase of feeding my 2 junk food because I knew they'd eat it, but now I'm hard line. Easy for me to say and I don't follow it, but try not to care if she eats it or not! If she's eaten one decent meal that day, that's all she needs. She's probably picking up on your worry, and it's giving her power.

I actually gave my DS sweet potato and kidney beans in his meal tonight, and because he hadn't eaten much lunch, he consented to try some. Spat out both, but I don't care! Keep persevering - I heard on the Food Programme last week that if you give a child something they don't like, at 2 years old you need to give it on average 5 or 6 times before they accept it, at 5 years, 22 times before they accept it. So just keep giving the food, and ignore the fact that she doesn't eat it.

Another 21 times for me to go with kidney beans and sweet potato!

[Caligula]

Meant to add Ponygirl, if my DD ate a good lunch like yours, I'd be delighted - wouldn't care if she ate dinner - in fact, might not bother to cook her any!

[KBear]

My DS is a picky eater. He eats a hearty breakfast of weetabix at 6.30am then probably toast and marmite about 9.30 with some OJ. Then he'll eat whatever sandwich lunch he's given, meat or cheese or (his favourite) banana with chopped apple and orange. But will that child eat an evening meal, no he won't. And do you know what, I am getting bored with trying to force him. So now I work out what a good balance of food for the day would be and he has a lunch-type evening meal now and eats every scrap. Maybe he just doesn't like foods mixed together, or hot food or foods that he can't distinguish what they are. But whatever the reasoning he isn't point blank refusing anymore and everyone is happier. Incidentally DD (nearly 6) loves her food, all types, will try anything, loves veg. Can't understand why DS is so different but I don't want to make food an "issue" as they say I would rather he ate a balanced diet of food he likes.

Rambling post I know but I do understand your problem and you're not alone in the frustration of it!!

[ponygirl]

OK, so basically I need to stick to my guns. I think I knew that, but after two years I'm starting to feel a bit worn down and dh and I are both a bit frustrated. It's most irritating that she won't even try anything, just says she doesn't like it. I was wondering whether to give bread and butter as an alternative, but just to avoid the upset and waste (not that there is any waste because the rest of us eat hers ). But she doesn't wake in the night hungry, she's just foul in the morning until she's had breakfast. My only other worry is that ds2 sometimes rejects whole meals that she has also already rejected. If he starts copying her I'll go round the twist!

[ponygirl]

Very interesting, KBear! Is your ds about 4? I could do her a supper like you suggest, more like the lunches that she eats. Dh works from home so we always try and eat together as a family, which is supposed to help, but clearly hasn't. Maybe it would defuse the situation if I gave her cheese/crackers/fruit is she didn't want what the rest of us are having. Wonder where it would lead though? Would there be any hope of her ever eating the same as the rest of us? And what would happen to ds2?

[philippat]

are you really sure she's hungry? It could be just that she's not a eater-in-the-evening kind of person, and she's whinging because she's being forced to. Has she recently cut down/out her nap? She might make her that bit more sleepy by evening meal.

My dd is hardly a good example but most days 2 weetabix and raisins would be more than her entire food intake. I was exactly the same as a child, and I remember endless miserable lunchtimes sitting on my own pushing my food around my plate. So with dd, she gets a plate of what we have, she can eat it or not as she prefers, if she can say a (healthy and straightforward - yoghurt or fruit or cheese or bread) alternative she wants she gets it, if she gets whingy we just let her go play and carry on enjoying ours together. Life's too short for anything else.

[KBear]

Hi ponygirl, sorry forgot to say DS is just 3. I don't what the future holds in relation to him eating a "proper" evening meal but this works so after months of stress and dinners in the bin I am happy to continue. Nothing worse than lovingly preparing a meal for him to just say "no mummy, I not like it" without even trying it!AAAAAARGH.

I am lucky in that he likes fruits of most kinds so he's getting some vitamins and if I'm honest I'm not struck on veg myself although I do eat it.

Also, I know a child who only eats mashed potato (yeah, that's it) and one who only eats yorkshire puddings, so by comparison I think DS is doing okay.

And do you know, my stress on this subject is fading as I'm typing!!!! Hope yours is too.

[ponygirl]

Well, she eats really well if it's fishfingers, pizza, pasta and pesto or a couple of other regulars. And she says she doesn't like it, not that she's not hungry, which sometimes at lunch times she isn't, and that's fine. We try and eat between 5.30 and 6 so they're not too tired (she dropped her daytime sleep before 2), sometimes it's later than that and that is certainly a contributing factor. I just don't want to end up with her just eating a really limited range. Should I just let it go then, and hope it rights itself?

[aloha]

I'm with Phillipat here - life is too short, and time with our children too potentially sweet to spoil it with stress on both sides. She eats two very good, healthy meals a day (congratulations to you), and I honestly suspect she doesn't need more. If she doesn't want dinner, then is that really such an awful problem? I think a milk and crackers type supper is probably enough for her. I was a totally picky child - hated all vegetables, butter, fat on meat, pasta, eggs...dozens of things and often didn't want a meal at lunchtime or in the evening. I grew tall and I am fine. I think that is what has made me so determined not to make meals a battleground with ds. If he doesn't want something, we try a bit, then it goes in the bin. He has milk, vitamins and fish oils every day which I think smooths over any ups and downs in his diet. I also let ds get down when he's finished eating, provided he's made a reasonable stab at it and isn't just rushing off to watch Cbeebies!

[ponygirl]

Thanks guys, will mull over. I am tempted to let her have the light supper, but worry slightly if that I might create problems with ds1 and ds2. Hmmm. Would love to get rid of the stress though.

[tortoiseshell]

I'll be interested to know how you get on ponygirl - ds (3 years, 4 months) is a dreadful eater. He eats on average, breakfast - half a bowl rice krispies with raisins, then 'snack pot' of cheese and raisins mid morning. Lunch - half a piece of bread with marmite/cheese/chocolate spread and peanut butter. Tea - pasta (but I mean miniscule amounts - e.g. 8 pieces penne), with peas. He has juice with breakfast, and water the rest of the time, and milk at bedtime. Try as I may I can not get him to eat any fruit, vegetables other than peas, meat, fish, yoghurt (even Thomas fromage frais!). I'm trying to keep the stress levels really low, and keep introducing new things. One thing I have found really helpful is to let him serve himself from a bigger bowl on the table, then he doesn't feel panicky at the amount on his plate. And he likes the control of serving himself. But it does drive me mad! Especially because he is as skinny as can be, so whenever he is ill or has a growth spurt he looks scarily thin.

Hope things improve, and do let us know if you hit on a solution!

[woodpops]

Can you try and get dd involved in cokking the meals with you. I made chicken and mushroom pie at the weekend. Ds also 3 told me he didn't like it when I told him what I was making. So I got him to help roll the pastry out and he even made a clowns face on the pie. Guess what he ate every bit. I also made tuna pasta bake, ds always tells me he doesn't like tuna but I thought I'd give it a go as dd loves tuna. Ds helped mix it all and the best bit he crushed the crisps and mixed them with grated cheese for the topping and yet again he ate every bit. Give it a go. I really enjoy it when ds is helping me and he loves it because he feels like a big boy. At teaching them to cook from an early age is never a bad thing is it??

[JuniperDewdrop]

Haven't time to read whole thread as dashing round and doing chores in a mo

My DSs went through this and DS2 (4) is still like it to some extent. I've had to buy organic chicken nuggets from tesco as I know he'll eat these and it's the only protein he gets (apart from yoghurts and milk) He's gone off peanut butter and used to woof that down with granary bread.
One thing that does seem to get him to eat is when he helps to make it and I make a huge fuss of him over it. buying a pizza base packet and making that up then letting him put toppings on is good.
anyway must dash, hope you find some good tips x

[prefernot]

I was a dreadful eater as a child and my mum's strict attitude to my eating caused me no end of problems with food later in life. Mealtimes for me as a child were associated with stony silences, stress and a sense I was deeply disappointing my mother. So I agree with the others that it's just not worth the battle, a mealtime should be an enjoyable time for everyone. Also your dd eats well all day and the alternatives she would eat are pretty good ones.

I also wondered if now she's a bit older she's developing tastes for things she really genuinly does and doesn't like. I mean how would we like being told to eat something that really turned our stomachs at a mealtime and not allowed to go until we had? I do think young toddlers have an almost phobic attitude to food. You hear weird stories of what they will and won't eat on here all the time. You have to respect that.

Isn't the offering them one thing and nothing else supposed to work in that they accept the rule and then start complying? If so and you've been trying this method for a while it isn't working and isn't likely to just start working don't you think?

I'd be really surprised if your other children copied your dd. My brother used to eat anything and everything while I sat there miserable as sin literally unable to eat what was put in front of me.

[ponygirl]

I've resurrected this old thread of mine because we're nearly eighteen months down the line and there's no improvement in dd's eating.

I tried giving her bread and butter and fruit instead but ds2 started refusing to eat his meal and even ds1 started to ask why she was getting something else and he wasn't. Also, she started asking for bread and butter at every mealtime and actually stopped eating some of the things that she as eating before! So we went back to "eat what we eat or go without". She'll come and ask what's for dinner or see her plate and immediately say she doesn't like it, even if she's never had it before. I don't let her stay at the table when she refuses to eat anymore, she has to go in the other room. If she stays she upsets the boys. She's 5 now, btw, and at school.

Does anyone have any ideas I could try? Or at least some reassurance that I haven't created a lifetime-bad-eater?

[ponygirl]

Another shameless bump!

[Mumatuks]

Ponygirl,

I once looked after a little girl who sounds very similar to your DD. I played this game with her, I thought it might be useful to you. (BTW I had her parents consent!!)
I sat her and her older brother down in the kitchen on tow chairs next to each other. I blinded folded them and tried an array of food. from jam on crackers right to a bite of fresh cauliflower or carrot. It worked with a lot of the stuff she was very intersted to know wehat she's eaten and enjoyed. Some of the stuff she spat out and turned her nose up at, but at least it had gone in her mouth. I think the fact we made it a game and it wasn't her mummy or me stressing how she wasn't eating, really helped.

She did grow out of it, she was 3 at the time and is now a 6 y/o happy girl and a good eater.

HTH!

[ponygirl]

Thanks Mumatuks! I like the idea of the game. I wonder whether she'd give it a go. Worth a try, maybe, at the weekend. Thanks for giving me hope that this may not last forever!

[collision]

Also, try reverse psychology ie 'Dont eat it ....this is mine' and look away!

If your Dh is there get him to whisper and say, 'DD, eat it while mummy isnt looking!' and then you look round and gasp that the food has gone!

Works all the time for us!

[puddle]

I would keep doing what youre doing but maybe try balancing stuff she likes with more unfamiliar foods. So at least there are some things on her plate she will definitely eat. I'd also try and keep her at the table if you can - my dd often says she's finished but will go back to her food whilst waiting for us all to finish too.

What about stickers - not for clearing her plate but for sitting at the table and not distracting her borthers and for being willing to try new things? I always praise to the skies when my two have a go at something new - even if they them decide they don't like it.

Have also found with ds that he will rise to a challenge if I say something like 'sprouts are quite strong tasting, they're the kid of thing older children tend to like better - you're maybe a bit young' he'll insist on having one.

[puddle]

I also try and give them a role in planning the weekly menu, so we all have a dish one night that is our choice and we really like.

[ponygirl]

Some really good ideas here, thank you!

[Amelily]

Reading this with great interest.I was just about to post a question about a nearly 3 year old who doesn't eat... won't eat pasta, rice, brown bread, mashed potato, anything in cheese sauce, anything in tomato sauce. I keep trying out new things but she eats about two mouthfuls, says she's full then asks for crackers / biscuits half an hour later. Oh, also won't eat sandwiches (any kind at all) or soup or anything 'mixed up' Trying not to build it up into a big stress but failing. Some good advice here; any more...or some recipe ideas?