obsessional about a person

[goodbyesunhellomoon]

this is the first time I have ever 'spoken' about this.

15 years ago I had a one night stand with one of dh's friends. Me and dh were not married back then, infact we barely knew each other and had only just started seeing each other very casually. It was wrong and a total drunken mistake but in my defence I was very young and I had no idea that me and dh were going to end up in a proper relationship, become close, marry each other and then have children......but I'm so glad we did.

But, this one night stand happened, and it has haunted me ever since. And I mean daily. It's a mixture of guilt, pain and shame and it has made me obsessional about this person. I rarely see him thankfully but whenever I do he looks at me like I'm a piece of shit. He's been derogatory about me in the past (totally on the sly, as if dh ever found what had happened all hell would break loose). He's one of these 'women are for shagging and nothing else' types. Nice! Well done me.....

I've blamed myself totally for this and can't stop punishing myself (but it was him that came onto me). I don't want to be haunted anymore, but it's deeply ingrained and I don't know what to do about it or where to go for help. How do you rock up at the GP's with this one???

I just want to be free and to shake off the demons. Is it possible?

Thanks for reading.

[goodbyesunhellomoon]

Thanks for all your replies

It's not that I'm worried about the secret getting out or DH finding out as I know that would never ever happen. It was so long ago.

It's that inside my head this one foolish act represents all my failings as a person. It confirms why I have low self esteem I think (and it was low self esteem that got me in the position in the first place).

I thought these feelings would go away once I had children, thinking I'd be completely distracted, but they've come creeping back to the point where I'm giving them a good 40% of my daily thought space. Sometimes it feels normal, sometimes I feel terrified that this is ruining my life and will be with me until the day I die.

This other person couldn't give a shit about what happened and whenever he's looked at me derogatoraly it's because he probably thinks I'm a thick slapper that is beneath him. If it never had happened we'd probably be ok whenever forced into a social situation together.

Jardy - thank you for that book suggestion - I was starting to wonder whether it was a form of OCD and your description sounds a bit like me!

Thanks again.

[FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010]

Can you see it as you have got it off your chest and it isn't able to eat away at you know as it has gone?

I put this to DH and he said he would be pissed off with me for lying and would question why I had told him now, was it to get rid of the guilt?

Ignore this friend. Next time he gives you a shitty look give him one back. He must feel he has the power to scare you that he might tell your hubby. Don't let him.

If you tell your hubby you could say you didn't say yes to seeping with this ex as it wasn't important?

[jardy]

I think you are suffering from a form of OCD.
Be kind to yourself and get help from a book called self help for your nerves by claire weeks.Your doctor would not be shocked/surprised if you explained your probem.
If you can give your brain a little break by replacing the worrying thought with another thought it might help.
I have suffered from a similar type of worry OCD from been a teenager.It IS very hard but on the positive we tend to be kind,very reliable,and loyal.Also able to be very understanding toward people.Does this describe you?

[arsesandoldlace]

I get the impression that this huge obsession is based around the fear of what will happen if your DH finds out what happened.

As cathcat says, it's water under the bridge and your relationship is so much stronger than it was.

You're so afraid that you'll lose him over this that you're torturing yourself over it.

The other guy sounds like a knob end, and I'm sure your DH loves you for a million and one reasons after 15 years together.
The fact is that you have come this far together, nothing can change that and he loves you for who you are, not what you may or may not have done half a lifetime ago.
You can chose to tell him or not, but only you can decide what the right path is for you.

[cathcat]

Time to forgive yourself I think. It is water under the bridge. I don't know how young you were when it happened but we all make mistakes and you are being too tough on yourself.
It is 15 years ago, there is no reason to think that the other person will say anything to your DH so stop punishing yourself and concentrate on your relationship.
We all have things we would do differently, hope you find peace with yourself over this.

[goodbyesunhellomoon]

because he had a suspicion at the time, asked me about it and I denied it. Maybe he wouldn't have come this far with me if he'd known.

[arsesandoldlace]

You and your DH weren't seriously involved when it happened and it was a long time ago.

I do wonder why you think all hell would break loose if DH found out?