I have my appointment with the psychiatrist on Friday

[WigWamBam]

And I'm terrified and just need to off-load.

My GP has referred me because he says he can't change my medication (I'm on 40mg Citalopram)without referral to a psychiatrist, but from what he tells me now, the psychiatrist won't really want to see me because they're not really interested in straightforward depression. They are only seeing me because they have to (new guidelines on one particular medication) and not because they feel that they can help me. That's made me feel really wonderful about wasting the psychiatrist's time just for a change of meds that the GP isn't able to do.

I was hoping for a good, positive session with the psych but with my GP saying this, I can't see it happening now. To add insult to injury, dh was going to be coming with me for a bit of moral support, but he forgot and has now arranged a business trip for Friday.

I was feeling really positive about this, as I've been waiting for a couple of months for this appointment, but now I feel I'm just going round in circles. If the psychiatrist isn't going to want to help me, who will?

I feel as if I'm just going round in circles

[Sax]

I do know that feeling WWB, my thoughts are with you. I can't give you more hope and inspiration being in a similar mental position but people tell me that one must believe it will pass and that we will get better. I know this is difficult and I can only say that when the lows come they are deep and desperate and when the even feeling comes it feels detached and apart. However, this has to be the getting better period or else we we would be in that low, desperate state the whole time. So I take comfort in that maybe I am slowly getting better and I hope you can feel the same. My full sympathies are with you and although you probably need an inspiring contact right now, I can only offer support and empathy!!!(((hugs)))

[WigWamBam]

I haven't been around too much Sax, wasn't really feeling up to it. I saw the GP this morning and got a bollocking because apparently the tests that the psychiatrist wants should have been ordered by her and not passed to the GP - like that's my fault. He wanted me to wait until I saw her again in August before getting the tests done and changing the ads, but I stuck up for myself and he's going to organise them, which I suppose is one small triumph though!

I feel a bit more calm today but numb and a bit emotionless really. I can't really describe it; I'm just going through the motions really, existing rather than living.

[Sax]

How are you today Wigwambam? Just concerned, hope you are feeling a little more settled but if not, let us know - its good to let out your feelings and thoughts on here, good release of emotions. sometimes it doesn't sound the same when we speak so just hope you are doing alright and not too locked into those thoughts and are trying to take just one step at a time and not trying to leap ahead before you are ready. Take care WWB and let us know if you feel up to it or if you wish to discuss it. Otherwise thinking of you and keep strong.

[Sax]

I hope you have a more settled evening tonight than last night WigWamBam Take care!

[Sax]

Night night WWB, I hope you sleep well, thats really important! take care and let us know how you are doing tomorrow!

[Sax]

But you mustn't think what if - you live for now, no big jumps, as I say, take your time a little. Just live for now, no what if I did this, what happens for that!!! Take your time and although you feel low now, tomorrow you may feel a little stronger or you may feel the same, why predict that now?

Queenflounce said she took the homeopathic stuff Sepia. I (like you) don't think the citolapram is working. I am seeing the dr tomorrow but I feel I need to believe in something so I have bought the Sepia which can be taken at the same time. I feel I have nothing to lose - maybe worth thinking of, instead of just dreading coming off one lot of meds and onto another, this can work in conjunction!!!!!

Please try not to see into the future. Next step is to get the ECG and blood tests when feasibly possible, then take it from there. I know you must be feeling low in the mean time but you will get there - you have to believe that.

[jayzmummy]

WWB....Im crap at finding the right words....just want you to know I am thinking of you.XXXX

[WigWamBam]

I have to go to bed, thanks for listening, Sax.

[WigWamBam]

It seems to take forever to get anywhere. I've been telling the GP for months that the ads haven't been doing anything, but his response has been "wait and see", right up until he decided to refer me to the psychiatrist for the change of meds two months ago, now it's going to be another few weeks before anything happens.

There is still the rational bit of me that knows that it's the depression talking when I get like this; I know dd needs me, I know that I'm not useless, it's just the illness. What frightens me is what happens if I ever lose that rational bit that's keeping me going?

[Sax]

Thats so hard for you because you are still in limbo. About DD you are keeping going for her and you will make life as normal on the surface as possible for her - but your aim right now - your priority (for DD) is for you to get better and be stronger. I know you can't see beyond today or tomorrow but that doesn't matter - one small step at a time and you will get stronger. The tablets will get sorted and in the mean time you plod along slowly but surely.
I know the thoughts are frightening and dark, I know what its like to feel trapped in and scared - I have been there, I am there at recent times - but at the end of the day we are being strong for our families. You asked for help and you will get it, unfortuanately (and this is the hard part for me too) it takes time and we don't want to wait do we!

[WigWamBam]

I can't change them until I've had the results of some blood tests and the ECG, I can't have those until I've seen the GP on Friday (the psychiatrist didn't fill in the right forms so I have to get the GP to do it), will probably have to make an appointment for the tests next week, then wait for the results before they can change the meds. I'll then have to taper off the Citalopram before I can start the new one so it's going to be at least a couple of weeks before I can start them.

[Sax]

I'm sure you aren't failing miserably, its just how you perceive it atm. It is an evil illness and one which you will get better from. Have they taken you off the tablets you were on? Whats the state of play with those?

[Sax]

WigWamBam - you there - are you OK???

[WigWamBam]

She's 4, and sometimes she comes and sits with me and asks me why I'm sad, it really hurts that she can see any of it at all, I try so hard to keep it from her but children are so much more perceptive than we give them credit for. She's such a kind and generous soul, she deserves far better than I can give. I have tried so hard to keep things together for her sake, I fail miserably.

[Sax]

Don't worry what i need and don't need, i'm here if you wnat ot talk - how old is DD?

If you want to go, thats fine but I'm here to listen if you want to talk - I'm not tired.

[WigWamBam]

I just feel empty and numb, I can feel it coming and there's not a damned thing I can do about it. I just keep falling down into these big black pits, and I just can't get out again. I hate this, this is such an evil illness. I force myself every day to try and be "normal" for the sake of my daughter, I can't let this affect her, but it's so damned hard when all I want to do is go to sleep and not wake up again.

Sorry, Sax, you don't need this. I think I should just go to bed.

[Sax]

BTW, it doesn't sound self pitying and whinging becasue you are unable to change the way you feel atm - if those are your thoughts they are real to you - I appreciate that although I don't have to aggree with them.

[Sax]

WWb, I'm here, do you want ot talk?

[WigWamBam]

I feel crap. I've been joking on other threads tonight, and all the while all I want to do is curl up in the corner and cry. The blackness is descending again, I can feel the clouds gathering and I hate the way it makes me feel. I feel useless and worthless, my poor dd is stuck with this crap, useless mother and I hate it. And now I sound self-pitying and whinging as well.

[HappyHuggy]

Hello

How are you today?

[Sax]

How's life today WigWamBam?

[Sax]

Whenever WWB, I understand you have to feel comfortable to anyway the offer will still stand if and when. No worries.

[WigWamBam]

Clarinet players have the best punctuation, obviously

It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to you, Sax, just thought you probably didn't need me adding to your burdens at the moment! I'll talk soon, though.

[hub2dee]

Rather good for a sax player.



No wonder mum and dad only started letting me eat peas last year, eh.

[Sax]

WigWamBam - I'm Ok and sorry to offer you the chance to email and then have a complete meltdown myself. However - the offer is there, feel free anytime, I am so much better being objective to others and tbh I'm on the positive attitude front from now on and hopefully I can make it last. It helps me forget my stresses if I hear others anyway becasue I am so much better being there for others than asking for help. Not very good at that. I see your point that you don't want to, and thats entirely up to you, but I would welcome you to and I'm not so down that I couldn't chat to you and give you a sounding board. Feel free at anytime! (sorry Hub, my punctuation and spelling is shit)