I feel like i have lost myself and its almost grief like.

[LucyEllensmummy]

I don't know what to think anymore - i thought i was getting better i really did.

After a trivial row with DP on saturday, when he did say some hurtful things i had to take my mums dog to the vets where i used to work. I walked in to a new receptionist who i hadn't seen before, so where i normally would go straight downstairs for a chat i had to sit and wait with all the other clients. It felt really weird, and not very nice actually.

The thing is, the receptionist, she was lovely - pretty, bleach blonde hair (like mine used to be). Really bubbly and chatty - she said, oh the vets think i'm mad. The clients clearly really loved her too and she pitched her "chat" just at the right level for everyone. I sat there mortified because 4 years ago, that was me!! I was the girl who the vets said were mad, who clients used to bring flowers and chocolates for and ask for by name. I was the one who had the mad stories to tell and was garunteed to provide the entertainment for a night out. Everyone liked me!! It was like looking in a mirror - only the mirror is broke and that person is gone now - long long gone and i don't think i can find her again. I feel heartbroken by this and i know its stupid. Ive always been the cheeful one, always the one first up at kareoke (even though i really can't sing ). The one with the cheeky smile for the old boys with their dogs.

WTF has happened to me!!! Now im stuck on ADs and no sign of stopping them. I thought i was getting better, i FELT better but this has made me realise, im NOT better, not by a very very long way My DP said to me last night in another trivial row - that im not the LEM i used to be, im different now - its like he read my mind And he is right. The thing is, he fell in love with HER not me. The one he dreamed all his dreams with, shes gone and im not sure i can find her again. Now, a good day for me is one where i don't break down. A good day is when i enjoy my DD but you know what, i can't remember the last time i really laughed, you know proper belly laugh - fucking hell, i was ALWAYS laughing, always being naughty. I told DP to leave last night, he said he would, but then we made up, he said sorry for being a grump - and he was a grump and he was out of order, but i just spiralled into a pit of blackness - all i want to do is sleep, i don't want to have to face who i have become because i don't like her, not one tiny little bit. Maybe i should let my DP go, he deserves better than this - i even wonder if my DD would be better with her Daddy, she certainly favours him over me - but then who wouldn't - he is the one with the big beaming smile and endless patience - i am the one with the permanent scowl and very limited patience.

Counselling isn't working, ADs aren't working - do i just accept what i have become and forget about being happy, stop trying to be something im not. Be quiet, don't rock the boat - TRY and be a good mum, at least with the practical side of things. Or should i really walk away now - ive put them through enough and its not fair.

The old me was a bit of a dumb blonde, complete scatter brain, lazy arse (but didn't care) happy go lucky person - how can i accept that she is gone?

[LucyEllensmummy]

muppet - i dont really know - is hard to remember now because of the meds. But the anxiety i think is what fries my head, i live in a world of what ifs and i act them out in my head. The whole jade thing is frying my head just now - ive had cervical cancer but thank GOD they caught it in time so its difficult for me to see this in the news all the time, poor child. Health anxiety was what tipped me over the edge, but just my general irrationality spurred by anxiety (i once sent my DP a text saying i wanted to smear shit all over his clients wall because i felt jealous of the demand she was making on his time - barking!!!)

Im not sure if im actually depressed to be honest, the meds make me flat and im starting to resent that. I want to be the manic person i was before but without the manic lows. I dont think for a minute im bi polar though, its not that extreme.

My counsellor has never used the words depression, or anxiety for that matter - she is focusing on my behaviour, she is not a CBT therapist but takes that sort of approach and it does help me to stop and think before i react. Sometimes i wonder about the navel gazing aspect of counselling but i honestly think it is helping me to control how i react to shit.

We have financial difficulties just now, serious financial difficulties and that is enough to get anyone down so i struggle to recognise if my panic is natural and down to having to deal with shite, or due to my illness (if i indeed have one, sometimes i feel like a fraud wearing the depression badge, if that makes sense).

I know that i want off the meds, but im really really terrified of going back to how i was - i look back and im frightened of me!

[muppetgirl]

Good news about the energy, makes the day easier to get through!

What are your main symptoms?

[LucyEllensmummy]

muppet i talk to all and sundry actually, in fact sometimes i worry i have verbal diarroeah. It is good to talk!!! .

Lately i have noticed i get quite panicky around a lot of people, especially if i have DD with me - am going to have to keep an eye on that.

This week i have been taking my ADs of a night and seem to have more energy during the day and a brighter outlook.

[muppetgirl]

re me doing strange things like talking to estate agents and random people in shops I am now a governor and went to my first meeting last night. Never been there before, never met the people and I loved it! This time 2 years ago I couldn't even answer the phone...

[LucyEllensmummy]

Only just seen this OJ - Ive had a good week thanks! hows you?

[onlyjoking9329]

How you feeling today LEM?

[LucyEllensmummy]

just a quickie muppet girl???? lmao - hate to see you when you are on a roll Much appreciated though. FLAT is a very good description of how i feel, except i still dont cope well with "stuff".

OJ - Thankyou - how are you??? Hope you are well.

ORM - i have considered hypothyroid, as i do have some of the symptoms (i quite fancy an excuse for my weight - but that is more down to my genes and not eating the right food - lack of exercise). I am going to mention it to my doctor though. I am going to ask to reduce my meds. They have worked for me, but i don't think they are working now - not that i think i have got worse, i have my moments (like when i posted this thread ) but don't we all?? I think ive got better and that now, it could be that the ADs are hindering me - does that make sense?

I am tired alot but i need to retrain my body - come 4pm today i'll be surprised if i can stay awake - but when DP has put DD to bed, i'll be wide awake and not want to go to bed - but will make myself tonight - only had 3 hours last night.

THANKS everyone AGAIN!!

[muppetgirl]

Just a quickie, not had time to read all the thread so sorry if repeating...

Ad's made me flat in mood which is what they are supposed to do. I coped with life but had no feelings good or bad. This came as a relief after the emotional rollarcoaster I felt I was on previously where I felt out of control and couldn't manage the simplest of situations.

Counselling didn't work as it was only once every 2 weeks (funding/staffing problems) and I was desperate. Was assessed by the mental health team and it was decided I would have CBT/Psychology sessions weekly until I didn't need them. Much better therapy for me -you need to find the therapy that helps you and be prepared that what you're doing may not be. There is quite a range so just because one doesn't work it doesn;t mean you are a lost cause!

Ad's are a leveller designed to level you so you can tackle the underlying issues with other therapy designed to help.

Write all your thoughts in your head down on paper. Use this communicate with dh as sometimes we can't actually articulate what the problem is (sometimes we don't know!) he can read what you write and maybe help. At least he'll have an indication of what is going on in your head. I had an exercise book that I had it all written in which dh and I burned last year after 2 years of writing in it. I felt I didn't need it any more. It was a magical day and I felt a huge release.

Now that the answer may not be found for some time. Just accept you are ill and on a slow recovery slope. Go with how you feel and try not to fight it, saying things as I ought to be able too... I used to be able to.... and I should be able to are negative and bring your mood down. Accept where you are and try to see even the tiniest steps forward.

Tell your friends (If you can) as they can they try to understand some of your behavior. I was pretty unreliable as I'd agree to something then cancel due to anxiety. They were getting pretty fed up but then once I'd explained (in fact I think dh did) they were fantastic.

Try to get out every day. I still talk to random people, go into estate agents to ask for details of house we're never going to buy in order to make sure I am challenging my anxieties so I am doing the best I can in order for them not to take over. Sounds daft (and maybe not acheiveable at the mo) but it does work. DH is used to me wander into shops and starting coversations with random people!

Exercise is great to release the natural highs we all need. Even a brisk walk helps.

Talk, talk and then talk some more. Even if you don't come to a resolution, you are still getting your thoughts out rather than leaving your brain to cope with them all alone.

Notice your trigger points, mine are not planning too far in advance as I panic. New situations are hard and I clean like a nutter when I am anxious. Dh has a code that he can say 'Are you anxious?' and I know he has noticed a change in my behaviour and that he is trying to help.

[onlyjoking9329]

i think when you are depressed everything about yourself feels/looks/seems crap everyone else else looks better, more capeable has things easier, its not true of course but it's so hard to see the truth throu the depression.
you feel like you have lost yourself, i have felt a bit like that recently but the good thing is re discovering yourself and the opportunity to make changes to yourself/for yourself, that thats energy and effort which is always in short supply if you are depressed.
the things that i have found that have helped me recently are
exercise
friendships
finding time to do things for myself, just for me and just for the heck of it.

[OrmIrian]

lem - I'm sure you've had loads of tests and discounted this, but are you sure your thyroid is OK? A lot of the things you mention sounds like hypothyroidism to me. No that I'm an expert but I read up a lot last year when there was a possibility might have hyperthyroidism.

[BonsoirAnna]

[LucyEllensmummy]

have to pick up DD from playschool - but you are probably right, i should have had a bath instead of sitting here!

[BonsoirAnna]

Oh yes, early nights are a very, very good idea .

Why don't you have a long soak in the bath if you are feeling tired? It'll give you energy for the rest of the day (and you could do that pedicure while you are in there).

[LucyEllensmummy]

you see, that is how tired i am - WHY WHY WHY did i do the green face?? I'll tell you why, cos i was going to do a but typed green and thought i must have meant envy!!! Early to bed for me tonight i think

[LucyEllensmummy]

ok - maybe i'll have a pampering bath later

[BonsoirAnna]

I'm not going to leave off encouraging you LEM

[LucyEllensmummy]

STeady on BA - baby steps, baby steps!! I look like a bag lady again today but its ok, im knackered from doing work stuff for DP until midnight so im having a day off!!!

[BonsoirAnna]

Good for you LEM - see what huge returns just a little effort with your appearance can make.

How about a DIY pedicure and manicure today ?

[LucyEllensmummy]

I went to see my counsellor today - i wore make up - she actually did a double take!! Honest to god!! I was she asked me if i had my hair cut, i told her i cut it myself about three weeks ago! It was obviously the make up - it made me feel good.

[LucyEllensmummy]

[LucyEllensmummy]

Bonsoir anna - i agree actually - you probably have hit the nail on the head, I just don't feel like i can change it, i know i can, but i dont feel that i can - iyswim.. Ive been lax about my appearence, well, always really - apart from when i was younger (but i was an 80s child so trowel applied make up was mandatory).

We are going to go and look at the gym, it actually look like we will both be joining different ones, if we can afford it.

Baby steps i guess

[BonsoirAnna]

LEM - reading this thread, and thinking back to other posts you have written, it strikes me that, in your heart of hearts, you really, really, really mind about your appearance and that the fact that you don't like your reflection in the mirror is getting you down hugely.

And you know what? That isn't "vanity". That is normal, healthy, self-esteem talking and that is a good thing. If you really didn't care how you looked, your mental health would be in a much more dangerous way.

And the good news is that your appearance is actually one of the things you have the most control over to change as it really is up to you and no-one else.

[OrmIrian]

lem - don't feel self-conscious. It's great for improving your mood and self-confidence. And I lost weight (or at least bulk, I don't weigh myself) running, much more than with any other kind of exercise. Start off with short runs, perhaps in quiet places, or very early in the am, and then when you start to feel more comfortable, just get out there on the roads and sod anyone else. I'm not sylph-like and I suspect my running style leaves a bit to be desired but it doesn't matter.

[LucyEllensmummy]

I do agree CD, but there is something about a gym that is quite motivating. I used to go to a really well equipped gym when i was at university - i was there every day. I have really flabby thighs just now and i hate that, so i need to go on what my DD1 calls the "sex machine" - the one that you puch closed with your legs!! The £35 covers swimming, any classes, badminton, squash etc, but not all of these things i can access - so having to consider it carefully. Trouble is with me, im impatient, i would want it to start working NOW! The gym in our local centre isn't very good though - and i wouldn't have time to take advantage of the swimming really.

I used to run alot when i had my big dogs, so did DP, but when do you make time for all of this? I would feel really self concious lumbaring along the roads at the moment.