Advice on dealing with a friend I suspect has Münchausen syndrome

[Fairynufff]

A friend of mine has had mystery illnesses since we were at school together. They are always life threatening (even though she is always the picture of health and quite active). They eventually go away 'with the help of drugs'. She (now 39 at married with no kids) claims to have cancer. It started with a benign cyst on her ovaries but the 'tail' of the cyst was cancerous. She claims to have monthly cycles of chemo which she has on Friday so she can be back at work on a Monday. She has lost her hair once but it was obviously shaved and not shed. I humour her and try not to dwell on encouraging conversation (I tell her I'm not good with 'illness' which is true) but I do wonder what the best course of action is. I have no interest in catching her out to expose her as a liar but I do feel slightly wierd about it all.

[fefifum]

Ffairynuff, nearly 14 years since you posted. I am wondering what happened next to your friend and friendship. Just posting, in case you are still visiting this Site, as I too have a friend . . . but I don't have your patience. My friend is not someone I have been close to for years. I got to know her 2 years ago when I joined her for daily walks. Over this time, I have listened to so much about 'illnesses' (usually syndromes) medication and hospital visits. Whatever the illness, the symptoms only manifest in the evenings, when she is alone. Despite their severity, she always manages to keep appointments for days out, meetings and whatever occasions.

I was just about to announce: "I suggest, when we walk, we only discuss non-medical things" when she came up with a new 'illness'. She has had dozens of hospital and doctors' attention during Covid, when others have been unable to get an appointment, and some have even died in consequece. I do know she misleads doctors, ie, she was on a ridiculous strict diet for a year, and became extrememly thin, and then, when she saw a doctor re an unrelated symptom, the doctor was alarmed and she had to have lots of tests and Xrays as cancer was suspected. This made her very happy, as she KNEW she didn't have cancer, but was enjoying all the attention. Munchausen's it has to be! She is single and has no children and has managed not to work for the past 50 years because of one symptom or another.

Does anyone else have any comments after all this time?

[SobranieCocktail]

It's definitely possible to have on-going chemotherapy. My mother has been having chemotherapy every three weeks for about the last 4 years. She also doesn't need to take time off work (and it doesn't make her hair fall out).

[Fairynufff]

I have offered to go to the hospital/blood tests/checkups with her. She quickly blusters an excuse e.g. her husband is going with her/the macmillan nurse is taking her etc.
I do spend time with her at her house. It is all perfectly normal - in fact always immaculate. She spends much of her time doing housework, cleaning cars etc. I agree desertmum it would be very very obvious if she were ill (my brother died of leukemia) which is where I came in... apart from her saying she has cancer, and shaving her head (after a history of telling me she has life threatening illnesses) there is no other evidence of an illness. Every time she claims that the 'cancer cells have gone and I'm feeling a lot better' a few months later she says 'I had my blood tests and the cancer cells are back so I have to go back to having chemo again'. I always feign concern but I can't help but think that the sympathy has waned so she needs the attention again.

[georgiemum]

I thought there was a limit to how many rounds of chemo you could have. It is basically just blasting the system. Just talk to her - ask to go with her to the hospital. Tell her that you are trying to understand the illness. She could be telling the truth. What does her husband say - no, don't ask him if she is lying!

[desertmum]

I don't know too much about the length of chemo but 4 years sounds a long time to me. I would expect after 4 years of chemo she would be pretty sick just from the side effects. My sister had to stop her chemo it made her so ill. What does her husband say if you ask him how she is doing ? Have you asked him how the chemo is going ? As another poster suggests offer to go to the hospital with her. My mother recently died of ovarian cancer and my sister has breast cancer, there was and is no maybes or ifs about their illness. Treatments, therapies, drugs, side effects to all the above etc were all open and above board and very very obvious. I would think if she is truly your closest and best friend you would see enough to know if this is real or not just by going to her house and spending time there.

[Fairynufff]

Just to cover some of the other points:

1. I do believe that she goes for medical appointments/blood tests etc. She even claims to have a Macmillan nurse.
2. If it were just the cancer I would wholeheartedly believe and support her but I have been 'through' too many occasions where I rallied round, called, worried etc. and then the 'illness' came to nothing.
3. She has been having the same chemo treatments for 4 years now (is this normal?)
4. I can't really talk to anyone else she knows because I am her closest friend and I it's not really something you can bring up with her husband/family.
5. I wouldn't abandon her over it. She is one of my closest friends and I am happy to humour a bit of attention seeking.
6. But is it more serious than that?

[Fairynufff]

donnie - I have been supportive of my friend for the last 20 odd years. All through each 'life threatening' illness that came and went. And I always felt my feelings were being manipulated when the illnesses mysteriously disappeared. I finally lost sympathy when one of our mutual friends (who I didn't know well) said: "isn't it awful about x's brain tumour". I didn't know x had a brain tumour and to this day as far as I'm concerned, she hasn't had a brain tumour and certainly never mentioned one to me! She is presenting the 'cancer' to her family which made me think it was for real but then I got rumblings that they weren't being very sympathetic (which wouldn't be consistent with her close family) and I wondered if they thought she was making it up too. She certainly knows a lot of the medical details but then I understand people with Münchausens do do their research to make it plausable. I'm not convinced 100% she has Munchausens but I've grown suspiscious over the years and need advice.

[controlfreakythecontrolfreak]

dont you think her dh would realise she doesnt actualy have a serious illness if that were the case??

[OlderNotWiser]

I knew someone similar...just too may things, all the time, and then her children too. I did as you are doing, just listened and sympathised since clearly my friend needed some kind of reaction else she wouldnt be saying this stuff in the first place. Gradually she broke contact, I wonder if it became harder for her to maintain the facade the more we knew each other.

It is difficult to maintain a friendship in these circumstances, especially if your friend is moving into cancer territory...is she gradually upping the ante? That could be quite dangerous for her if so. Im not sure what to advise in that case. Im sure you already ask after her on a more general level, is she happy, ok etc. Maybe try a mental health website or helpline to ask them for advise on how to handle it and how to help her..?

[donnie]

maybe your friend doesn't tell you many details because she can see you really aren't interested.

[controlfreakythecontrolfreak]

if you really think she has made up this awful story (for whatever reason) and that you cant discuss that with her there's not really a good friendship there is there?

[donnie]

What do you mean by 'not being good with illness'? I wouldn't say that was exactly supportive of your friend.

[CrushWithEyeliner]

That is not Munchausens syndrome. Why don't you want to talk to your friend about her problems? Sorry I don't understand...

[TotalChaos]

Munchausens isn't when you lie about being ill, it's when you go to the doctors with faked/self-induced symptoms for treatment/attention. Anyway - I have no idea whether or not your friend is lying. Some people do have the most rotten luck.

[georgiemum]

Why not offer to go with her one visit? She could be telling the truth. When dad was on chemo he looked absolutely fine. He did lose his hair but when it came back it he looked very very fit. He was terminally ill but he looked like a young man!

[ForeverOptimistic]

How awful.

My sister had monthly courses of chemo on a Friday and was back at work on a Monday so her story there is entirely plausible. If you really believe that she is making this up you need to seek help for her, does she have a mother or a sister or another close friend you could talk to?

[Dillydaydreamer]

I just need to make something clear.

1. How can you know your friend isn't ill.
2. Appearing to be healthy doesn't always mean people are
3. When someone has chemo the hair falls out in chunks and can look unsightly, so many do choose to shave their heads rather than wait for all the hair to fall out.

If it bothers you this much then don't chase the friendship- no doubt it will naturally fizzle out