Me again

[Beauregard]

Message withdrawn

I try and bury my head in the sand about it tbh.
I have tried many anti depressants over the years and they do not work ,i do not want to be pumped full all manner of rubbish and end up an emotional zombie.I waited over 12 months to see a pyschologist and then was given 6 sessions of CBT following the 2 initial consults.I was then told that because i had had a few 'good''up' weeks that it must be helping me.I told the Psych that i didnt think i was ready to go it alone especially after waiting so long to see someone.I was told i was just lacking in confidence.For me CBT is no good,i dont have the time to write down everything that i feel and happens in a day.
I agree that i need to talk it through with someone but if i will only get offered a few more sessions whats the point???I have to go out of area to see someone because i refused to see the local team because they abused my sister when she was supposedly in their care.Too many bad memories and too much anger to trust any of the team in kidderminster.
I am very good at putting on a front for other people and acting like someone who doesnt have depression.Infact if i ever tell someone they are very surprised when i do .
I try so hard to keep it from my dds but sometimes it is uncontrolable.

Sorry that depression has impacted on you too littlefish.

xxx

Hi dior

my ds is tall, very tall and it gets so many comments all the time (why is he not a school? (he's 4) and the worst was recently from a childminder we knew from toddler play groups, she gawped and screeched omg he is soooo tall! then walked away wtf..

am often on the verge of printing a fecking t shirt saying 'please dont state the effing obvious'...
people can be real knobs at times but with perspective am sure there are things i say that puts their teeth on edge too

but

tbh he takes it well, thinks of it as a real positive and revels in how tall he is (what inch am i? he says)

i agree with others it can be just a cliched ice breaker and i do try and treat it as such

it must be difficult if you are dealing with other stuff too, it can be the straw that breaks the camels back some days

i would truly try and find something to help you. Your dd's comment would be enough for me to be determined to sort it out anyway i could tbh..

its hard for but they must face the world and be prepared for it, and that's our job i guess helping them sort the niceones from the knob ends, to know who matters and who to ignore

hth

Hello PFN,

I don't know you but can I please add my tuppenceworth? I would just like to say that I am probably one of those mums that would comment on your daughter's height. Not because I think she is a freak but because of pure, unadulterated envy!! I realise you've had a hard time in the past because of your height but I wonder if this has clouded your perspective a little. Others may disagree but I think that in our society tallness is a very desirable attribute!!

I have the opposite issue (i.e. I'm very short) and it looks like my girls are going to be the same. I do have worries about them being picked on, especially in the physical sense, but I already have a strategy for dealing with it. I experienced some bullying as a child that was related to my height but, in hindsight, it didn't really bother me and others experienced it much worse than I did. I think the reason for this was that I didn't view it as a terribly negative characteristic and so any comments bounced off me. Don't get me wrong, I would still love to be tall but i don't think being short is that bad. Children will only focus on the things that get a reaction and with me that would have been my big nose!!!...still a sensitive issue so don't go there

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you need to instil the belief in your daughter that being tall is not something to be ashamed of. This will then make her resilient to any comments. Also, try to focus on all of her positive attributes, so that she builds her self-esteem and doesn't form a view of herself that is based solely on her physique. You sound like a very caring mother so you probably already do but the reason I mention it is because I became known for being good at other things (e.g. running, being quite funny) instead of just being 'little KatyH'.

Perhaps you could identify the times when her height becomes an issue and develop some coping mechanisms for these moments (as mentioned in some of the other posts above). While you may not be able to change your own feelings about it, she doesn't have to know how you feel.

If my girls get picked on for being small, I hope that I and some other friends and family members will be an example to them that it's really not important and they can still do whatever they want in life!

((hugs from ShortyH)) xx

Thanks AuraofDora and KatyH for taking the time to reply

KatyH-I know i need to instill the pros of tallness to my dds and i do try i really do ,i always tell them how gorgeous they are and how noone can look the same and that the world would be boring if we did, but if i dont believe it myself then i am just faking it.
I am glad that you didnt let the negativity about your height get to you.

PFNM - Just wanted you to know that my DD is 2.5 and same size as yours. And she's lovely (and the height I would expect given that I am over 6').

Of course DD gets comments about her height, but it never occurred to me to get upset about them. And I presume she will get comments throughout her life (as I have) but I have to admit that I don't care...

Anyone who says such things maliciously is pathetic, probably jealous and stupid as far as I'm concerned (and that's the polite description ). F*ck 'em - they're not worth it. (And I've had problems with depression, so please don't think these comments are simply because I'm a happy type of person.)

Please listen to the other posters - you shouldn't think of yourself as a freak, and certainly don't let your DDs pick up on this. I bet they're gorgeous. Height is good (although I didn't have much chance of a boyfriend at 14, I haven't done badly since) - it has more advantages than disadvantages.

I agree, saying "isn't she tall for her age" is probably intended as a compliment - almost certainly not as a criticism. With regard to KatyH's comment, I also have a bigger-than-I'd-like nose, and nobody ever says to me "haven't you got a big nose?" They always say, "omg, you're so short". It's not meant nastily, just as an observation, and one which (generally) society isn't offended by, otherwise it wouldn't be such a common utterance.

You must know in your heart that being tall is not a monsterous thing? If you didn't know that, you wouldn't feel so cross about what everyone says, you would feel that their comments were justified. But you don't feel that, you feel that they are overlooking the 'real you' when they focus on your height, I think.

Let your daughter have her own experiences of being tall. They may not be anything like your experiences. She may love it. My girls are all strapping bruisers and my sons are delicate waifs. I cannot prevent anything that will ever be said to them about this. All I can do is teach them to love themselves so that they can laugh such comments off. That's really all you can do too. Hope I've not been too naggy, because I do really sympathize with your concerns for your children - but face those concerns in a positive way. It's much more healthy and happy a way to go ((()))

How about this one from the Two Ronnies, or some such programme (Monty Python, maybe)?

Next time anyone says 'you're tall' say "ah, well, clearly, I was born to look down on you and you were born to look up to me" - then snort with laughter and wink.

Hope I'm not patronising you here, just trying to help

PFNM - so for you that you are still feeling "got at" but now for your DD as well as for yourself.

It is easy to say "focus on the positive" side of being tall but not always easy to do, and as you have suffered negative feelings about it I think you are going to struggle with helping your DD at the mo. Chances are that she is not yet bothered by the situation of her height, but she is more likely to become bothered if you still have issues about it because, like everything, she will pick up on that.

CBT isn't for everyone - I don't know how your finances would support it but I would strongly recommend you try NLP (or life coaching but NLP is better) - neuro-linguistic programming. It is a method of clearing old behaviours and patterns and installing new and different ones that are more appropriate to living the life you want to. It can help you to come to terms with your height issues, past and present, and also help you to avoid accidentally projecting onto your DD (I know you don't want to do that).

Being different is always an issue at school - children can be such demons, often with complicit assistance from their ignorant parents - but you can turn the difference into a positive thing with a bit of appropriate help. And help yourself in the process.

HTH

Was going to bed but saw this. I'm tall and my DD is taller than some of the girls in the year above her (she's 5). Apart from the comments, and we've had them all, I also find peoples expectations of her are unrealistic as they think she is older and she is such a little sweetheart.

I remember alL the teasing I got and so I am subtly teaching her to enjoy her height without drawing more attention to it. I make sure she is happy and comfortable in her clothes, and go for the gorgeous baby amazon approach. The smaller girls are often 'protected' by older children and teachers even though she probably has a more delicate nature and I know this upsets her. She is always being kind to others and has a lovely nature, but still gets expected to loook after herself a bit more. Perhaps not a bad thing in the long run but hard as her mum.

Rambling a bit because i'm getting tired but like others would like to offer my sympathy and also agree that being tall has it's good points. You are not being false in being positive with your daughters when you yourself are lacking confidence, just being a good mum and maybe in time you will start to believe it yourself.

PFNM - so sorry to hear about your treatment experiences. If you're interested, a friend of mine had NLP locally to us. If you want the details I can find them for you. I also saw a counsellor in Birmingham who was very good. I don't know whether it would be financially possible, but at the time (about a year ago) she was charging £20.00 per session.

Thanks for the support all

One thing i dont get though when people comment why state the obvious?? like i dont know.
To be fair sometimes it doesnt bother me when people comment ,it depends on the context of why they commented and how they do it ,if that makes sense.
The woman who commented on dd2 on saturday even threw in "What the hell are you feeding her?"
I would never say to someone "Feck me your dc is short do you actually feed them?" as it would come across as an insult.So why is it acceptable to comment on tallness?

Constancewearing -I like the Two ronnies
comeback.

Mou-That is it though the expectations are different and they shouldnt be,its unfair to the child.

The NLP wouldnt be an option for me as i could never afford it but thanks for the idea.

xxx

stating the obvious seems to form a large part of conversation though - it's like discussing the weather. Within limits, we can all see that it's sunny/raining/freezing cold, yet we feel almost bound to mention it when we meet someone and start to chat - I suppose it's like finding some common ground from which to move on to other more indiviudal opinions.

You are tall, that is indisputable, so it is a bit like the weather.

Agree the "what the hell are you feeding her" comment was completely unnecessary but no doubt the person thought she was being humorous (another common failing is thinking that you are the first person to come up with the humorous comment - never the case.)

I wish you luck with the situation - and suggest that you find some humorous rejoinders to these comments and teach them to your DD when she is old enough

Thanks

PFN,

i know it's difficult for you to change your feelings but I suppose what I was saying is that in the meantime maybe you could try to adopt strategies and coping mechanisms that will prevent you from expressing your negative feelings to your daughter. Just little things like having an arsenal of retorts ready for when people say the comments that upset you. In such instances, although you will be bristling inside, on the outside you will come across to your daughter as a champion for tall people!

I don't want to belittle your feelings at all but I thought you might be interested to know that in my short world, someone saying 'my god your dd is tall, what the hell are you feeding her?' would be the equivalent of saying 'my god your dd is very beautiful, what the hell do you wash her face with?'...or something like that! Basically I would take it as a tremendous compliment! Isn't it funny how our experiences affect what we view as criticism and compliments?

Anyway, I hope you are feeling a little better.

xx

Thanks KatyH

Yes i need to at least have some comebacks ready.

perhpas something like:
"Oh, do you really think so? in my family I'm considered to be quite the short one, you should see my brother!"
Or "yes, we get the best views at the fireworks parties/ sports days/ concerts etc. So sad for you short people..."

But I do like the 2 Ronnies & John Cleese
one as well!

They need some work of course and I'm sure you'll come up with some better ones of your own.

How about
"Bloody hell im Gulliver"

or you could be one of the brobdignagans;
or you could try
"I'm sorry, you'll have to speak up, sound doesn't travel well in the rarefied atmosphere up here"

lol

But it's a compliment

You are seeing it as insulting because you see your height (and your daughter's tallness) as negative.

But I am always impressed by tall people. They get served before me in bars, can reach everything in shops, and can have good legs in flat shoes. they can pull off a haughty look without looking like a malignant goblin, and generally, my life would be improved immeasurably with 6 inches onto my height.

I would comment on your daughter's tallness, it would be jealousy. Ds2 has had a growth spurt, but at 2.5 is still in 18-24 month trousers, and is dainty. I worry people think I don't feed him, I worry he will be an easy target at school because he will probably be the smallest in his class....

I honestly think you are hyperfocussing on your daughter's height when really it's you who needs the protection, it's you who needs the attention, and because you are a "big girl" you aren't supposed to want to be nurtured.

She isn't you and there is nothing to say she will be picked on. A lot of my friends are over 5'10, and are proud of their height. They can use me as an elbow rest, and probably so could you if you are taller than that - you all have that in common with supermodels!

there is always the added advantage that certain doors are open more to you/your DD because id your/her height - you might not have been able to capitalise on it but she might! e.g. acting, modelling, basketball/ netball playing, painter-decorator...

I was watching Justin Lee Collins last night trying to round up the cast of Star Wars - and the guy who played Chewbacca only got it because of his height! There are specialist agencies for extra tall or small people; much less competition and therefore more chance of fame and fortune!

Aww PFNM {hug}

One of my cousins is tall and she hates it too. She tries to disappear within herself, which is a shame as she's quite beautiful. (You are too - I've seen the photos!)

It's not as easy as telling someone they're just perfect. They have to know it too.

I wish there was a magic wand I could wave to help you feel better (I would charge more than NLP sessions though - credit crunch and all that ) - Seriously though, you shouldn't be going through this, nor do you deserve it either.

just been looking at yr photos - lovely DDs and adorable g'pigs! Especially Pippa. - can't have another one until we get to Australia now...