After almost 30 years, I've had enough

Itdoesntmatter7 · 2024-04-16 23:21:53

Hello, 36 here. I've been really unhappy since about the age of 8. In my teenage years I started having suicidal thoughts and they have continued since. I've never self harmed or attempted suicide because in all honestly I'm not brave enough. That's right, I can't even do depression correctly. Goes without saying I have no self esteem, no confidence and have always found myself being dragged down my life. I hate myself for it, I see people who I refer to as "bouncy". And they may lead a similar life to me, maybe harder, maybe extremely harder facing all types of adversities - yet every time they fall - they bounce back. They can just "get on with it". I do not bounce. I crack. I try my very best to make myself appear bouncy - to try and emulate that type of person because that's who I want to be but I can not run away from this force pulling me down. I have no friends, I go out of my way to be nice and friendly with a smile on my face but I come across as a people pleaser who no one respects. I'm always the last person anyone would choose to speak to and it grates after so many years. I do have a few people who care about me to some degree, including my parents and siblings so I wouldn't kill myself because I don't want to burden people with my death. Not saying it would destroy their lives because ultimately I'm not that important or make that much impact but I don't think it's fair to put on others. As a side note, I'm also hideous (massive nose, tiny eyes, frizzy hair, awful teeth - think Mrs Twit) so I don't think that helps with my appeal for others. A classic example of this is I went to a dance class for 3 years, no one spoke to me, I was essentially invisible. One day, a new "bouncy" girl joined. Glossy blonde hair and classically beautiful, all the girls in the class were suddenly full of smiles, warmth and asking this girl 100 questions. No one ever even looked at me. That day I really learnt how important appearence can be and have really tried everything but you can't polish a turd. You can eat well, regularly exercise, dye, keratin and blow dry your awful frizzy hair, fake tan, gel manicure, wear a full face of makeup and spend money on nice clothes - but you can't hide ugly. You can smile, be friendly but no one gives a shit - they want the shiny new toy, not the broken one covered in dust who doesn't work properly. Leave it on the shelf, put it in the bin. It doesn't matter just get it away from me. My sister is the opposite of me, really funny. genuinely warm, so open and caring. People gravitate towards her, she always knows the right thing to say and do. She's a great sister, daughter and grand daughter. She's got a lovely group of friends and is a fantastic person, always up to date with everyone whereas I get overwhelmed with my phone. She's the type of person who actually deserves to take up space on this earth because she brings so much to people. I feel like the human embodiment of Sadness from Inside Out - everyone silently groaning when I appear, here to dampen the day when all I want is to desperately fit in and be laughing too. So for now and as long as I'm on this earth I'll just be...here. Suffering in silence (a part from this post!). In all honestly, if you manage to find this post - I hope you can't relate because I wouldn't wish a life like this on anyone. God I wish it would end.

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Thank you everyone for replying, especially @Helplessandheartbroke for your care. I've asked for the thread to be deleted because I just feel too vulnerable sharing this - I really wish everyone the best x