Need help with “black moods”

[GurlWithACurl]

I have posted about this before, I think, but can’t really remember. My brain is all over the place.

Can anyone help? I have been mostly stuck in bed now for over ten years with multiple conditions. I take a bunch of meds morning and evening. Some of them are to help with the side effects of other meds!

I am in my 60s, married with grown up children. DH is disabled and also stuck at home, but can manage a bit more than me. Our children help out when they can, especially the one who still lives at home.

I take antidepressants to help with my state of mind, basically miserable about my health and worries about the future. I posted before that I sometimes have frightening black moods on an evening, when I think about the peace of no longer being here. The only things that stop me from taking handfuls of morphine tablets are DH and our children.

The doctor recently increased my antidepressants and I have been taking them for over a month with no serious issues. Then last evening the most dreadful black mood came over me and lasted into this morning. It seems to have eased off a bit since I took my meds.

I am now terrified that this will happen again this evening. I spoke to the doctor about this a while back, but she couldn’t see any link with any of my meds. But it is odd that it always happens at the same time of day!

Does anyone have any ideas? TIA

Hi Op sorry I don't have any advice hopefully someone will be along soon with some.
I didn't want to read & run there's always people here to help and listen 💐

Thank you for your reply.

I don't have advice based on experience. Would speaking to the Samaritans help? They're on 116123. If it happens at a particular time could you plan something distracting like watching TV, doing puzzles, painting or writing? I think you probably need to go back to your doctor. A lot of people occasionally think they'd like to not have to deal with their lives any more but if your thoughts about taking extra medication to kill yourself become more intrusive you need to call 999 and tell them you're suicidal. Hope you manage to find a solution.

Sorry to hear you’re going through this - I know how scary those kind of thoughts can be and how exhausting it is to have to try to fend them off. I haven’t sort d mine completely but has really helped to do things like:

1. plan - when you’re feeeling ok, identify something that will make you feel better - a little job or a little bit of chocolate or whatever - when you start to feel like you’re losing the battle you can take control again by saying to yourself ‘I knew I might feel this way and have decided to clean the bathroom windowsill to make me feel better’ (or whatever). In my experience learning how to disrupt the thoughts and take the power back is really helpful.

1. know - this is not permanent. These are thoughts and they will pass.

sorry not to be more helpful I didn’t want to read and run - I know how shit it is. You need to set up a way to win using other thought plans basically!!

good luck - you can beat this x

@Lovelyview and @Stillnormal thank you both very much. The awful feelings have lasted all day and are getting worse again. I have never had them for such a long time. They usually go off after about three hours. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up 😭

Do you have a counsellor or mental health team you already have contact with? If not maybe go back to the doctor and ask for a referral (or in some places you can refer yourself)

Thank you @Lovelyview , you are being very kind. I might go back to the doctor about this. I don’t have a counsellor at the moment because I cannot leave the house. There are also other reasons: I have short term memory issues, so counselling is not really very useful.

I found my thread from about a month ago because the frightening dark mood has returned again. Last time it went off after a few days. The doctor has not helped apart from increasing my antidepressants again. DH has his own issues and I don’t want to worry my DSs, even though they are adults. No wider family members are supportive. I also have no local friends, just ones that I contact via social media.

i just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up, but I couldn’t bear to hurt my family and friends.

I'm sorry that you're struggling like this, @GurlWithACurl. I feel similar at times myself with wanting to just go to sleep forever.

As you may well know, ideally you would be seen by the CMHT, assessed and offered a medication review, talking therapy etc. But the system is overwhelmed and often this does not happen.

Has your GP not suggested a referral to IAPT for possible talking therapy? You can refer yourself.

Dealing with multiple health issues and pain is a lot. Do you have any involvement with a chronic pain management service or support group for any of your other conditions, even if online? I'm asking as it sounds a bit like you've been left without much hope of improvement which would cause most people to struggle with their mood.

Thank you so much for your kind reply @TryingAgainAgainAgain . By the way, I am not in any real physical pain, thank goodness. My conditions are very debilitating and frightening, that’s why I am almost totally bedridden and have been for over ten years.

I struggle mentally for a number of reasons: my own situation, the fact that DH is also disabled (he was very fit when we met) and also one of my DSs has ASD. We have had a lot of difficult things to deal with during our marriage, but we are strong together.

These awful moods hit me out of the blue and I don’t know how to deal with them. I am not sure what the acronyms in your post mean!

CMHT is the community mental health team who your GP could refer you to, although waiting lists etc...

IAPT is increasing access to psychological therapies (although it's called different thing sin different areas). If you're in England:

www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-nhs-talking-therapies-service

Once again, thank you @TryingAgainAgainAgain . I will have to think about what to do next.

I have long term MH illness and found person centred counselling via phone very helpful. I know that small achievements help, sorting out a shelf, drawer etc to start with then building upto going outside. There is hope, cutting down on some of the meds through consultations with Dr also helped.

Those definitively aren't the only answers, but it's a starting point. You can follow the links on that webpage and you should be offered a phone assessment: just answering some questions on how you feel. Then I think it's usually six sessions of CBT or counselling, and can be extended. I'm sure it can be by phone. But there will be a waiting list so worth getting the request in.

If you're up for reading about how to move through or cope with dark moods, I can think of books that have helped me, or podcasts.

It's great that you have no physical pain and have a good relationship. May be it's about building some small daily positives on top of that? It sounds a bit cheesy, but it does seem to help lots of people.