Desperately low and don't want to be here any more

[Tiredandsadtoday]

I'm just so exhausted. I feel like giving up and genuinely feel like I don't want to or can't carry on. I don't know if I'm suicidal or not but I keep having thoughts that it would be better for me and everyone else if I just ceased to exist.

I'm so burnt out on a daily basis with work, housework, 3 kids (2 of them toddlers), studying part time. Then there are money worries. Housing worries. School worries. My relationship with DH is so up and down, I'm always on edge and never feel safe or content. He has been abusive in the past. Thought things were getting better but something happened today that feels like the straw that broke the camels back. I also think I might have OCD so my head is just a constant mess of intrusive thoughts and me swinging between trying to rationalise them and acting on compulsions or seeking reassurance. That takes up so, so much of my mental and emotional energy.

How do I pick myself up and have the strength to carry on. I feel like I have nothing left to give.

Have you spoken to your GP? You probably need some antidepressants to help you through this difficult time. You could also ask to be referred for talking therapy.

I suggest you also contact Womens Aid for support. Your relationship sounds abusive. They can help you.

Things can get better, I promise you. Your children need you. Sending love and hugs. ❤️xx

In the short term, it's best if you can just switch off your phone tonight and get as much sleep as possible. Tomorrow will be way worse if you've stayed up until the early hours and are mega sleep deprived.

I have a 7 and a 3 year old. I never had two toddlers at the same time admittedly but I know for a fact it gets way easier when the youngest is around 6 (yes, my youngest isn't there yet but I have a 7 year old so know what he'll need of me). We've all heard people with grown up kids saying in sheer disbelief how fast the years went by. Before you know it yours will be 18+, nevermind 6+! Each day is a day nearer and each year even before they turn 6 is easier than the last.

Definitely see your GP.
Longer term you need to get out of this relationship.

I'm already on antidepressants and having therapy. I just feel like a constant stressed and anxious mess. Like I'm barely surviving each day. My self esteem is on the floor. I feel inadequate to pretty much every person I meet. Like they're the real adults and I'm just pretending and it's all going to fall down around me at any moment. I feel unattractive and constantly beat myself up about my appearance and what having kids has done to my body. I never, ever feel good enough.

I know this is a massive pity party but I just needed to get it all out. There's so little joy in my daily life. It's all so draining and difficult. And if I split from DH it would be even more so. Maybe even impossible. And who else would want me?

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It's like I never have chance to stop and think, and now I've just hit a wall. I feel so desperate and low.

Do you have trauma? What you describing here sounds like you are experiencing trauma responses/ trauma symptoms.

Seeing someone who specialises in trauma-informed be they therapist, somatic practitioner or coach, could be a game changer for you.

I'm sorry it's tough. What can you take off your plate right now?

You may need to increase your antidepressants, do speak to your GP.

I hear you. Sometimes life is overwhelming, disappointing, joyless and just shit. But everything changes. Nothing stays the same. Think about something small, tiny even, that you can do tomorrow to make it easier for you. There will be something. Just do a tiny thing to remind yourself that progress and change are possible:

Yes, I think so. Both from my childhood and from a domestic violence incident last year. I feel constantly on the edge of some sort of breakdown. And I'm scared that if it happens my kids will be taken away from me. I am having talking therapy through a local women's centre. And we've had marriage counselling too. I take antidepressants but I hate how they make me feel so the dose is quite low.

I'm always thinking if I just do this or that, make everything perfect, then everything will be ok. But nothing ever feels enough. The idea of taking things off my plate feels impossible.

Thank you so much for this.

You won’t always feel this way. Remember that.

Kids are exhausting and studying is quite a commitment too. It’s tough - don’t believe these ‘have it all mommy’s’ on social media, sleek and polished, striding down the street with a mocca chocca gree tea detox chai latte in one hand, pushing designer buggy with a designer baby.

it sounds like you are juggling a lot and it is hard to keep running to stand still.

Get back to the doctors and have a full checkup.

Review your schedules - is there any time when all the kids are/can be at nursery / childminder so you can have sometime to yourself (and to tidy up - that always makes me feel calmer as mess does my head in).

Try to get out once a week for a swim, book club, coffee with friend - make it a set date when your husband is in charge of the kids and he can only call you if the house if on fire.

Make a weekly plan for housework, chores, meals, kids activities/clubs etc so that days are more structured and planned. Chaos is the enemy of a calm mind.

Find your ‘joy’ and be sure you dedicate time to this self care.

Loads of people feel like they are imposters and not as good as others. So that’s a lot of people looking at everyone else and think if their shit doesn’t smell! Noone has all the answers.

One step at a time. Thank goodness the weather is getting better - that’s a mood lifter to start with.

I don’t know what your childhood trauma is - but it wasn’t your fault. Be the parent you needed then now to yourself. Be kind and patient with yourself. Love yourself. Be your own cheerleader.

Talking therapy will not work unless your therapist is trauma trained- they really do need to have done additional training to help you. If they not you may be being re-traumatised by talking about your experience. Trauma is a body based issue and that's why trauma can't be treated with counselling alone. Good luck. Maybe have a little read around the subject to see what fits. Whilst a bit heavy Pete Walkers book surviving to thriving may be very helpful to you.

Big hug OP.

I agree with everyone else, get back to your GP and tell them how you are feeling.

It sounds like you are exhausted and just need the world to stop for a moment so you can breath. I feel it to, like you running and running trying to do everything for everyone else and you have no time or energy for just you. Therapy is the most important thing you can do for the trauma but you also need to reach out to those around you to ask for help. Even with the little things - can dh take the kids out for a day so you can relax, can a friend do a school pick up instead of you one day a week so you have half an hour back to yourself, can you switch to online food delivery instead of going to the supermarket? Sometimes little things can help make a difference.

If you really feel like you are in crisis then reach out to the Samaritans. They were amazing when I needed them.

Thank you @FizzyDucks. Can I ask what the Samaritans did for you?

If you feel worse today contact the Samaritans. Do you have anyone in real life that can come to help you with DC for a few days? If you do ask for help. If not you could ask SS to take DC for a few days as an emergency. Your MH is so important because if you can't cope you can't look after your DC.

Would it be possible to call in sick to work for a few days until you can see your GP, the dose of your medication may need to be upped or changed to something different. Tell the GP that the talking therapy although lovely feels like it's not enough and you may need to see an actual psychiatrist or psychologist for something a bit more in depth. You need a break from work and studying to focus on getting better. Do you have any family support? Someone who could maybe help with the kids so you could have some time to yourself.

Here to support.
Would a call to 111 be a start. Offload and get support from them.
Little steps every day because you are worth it.

Sorry OP. Sounds so hard. Just wanted to say youre doing so well, hold on, things will get better. Eat, sleep, do little things for you.

I'd rather phone Samaritans than 111. I phone Samaritans alot ( very difficult health situation). You don't have to be ready to throw the towel in to call. I've had some that I found really unhelpful but one guy was such a gem and just listened and sympathised and didn't try fix anything. It doesn't take away your misery but it's just something to have someone kind listen.

If you can increase your ADs just to get you through. Your situation is trying and with historical experiences I'd say it's normal to feel the way you are. It isn't good to make major life decisions until things stabilise a bit. It might help speaking to a private female counsellor about your husband. Sounds like you need a safe trustworthy space to offload about him.

Thank you so much to everyone that's taken the time to reply and offer support. I posted out of sheer desperation and you've all really helped me. I barely slept and haven't managed to eat since yesterday morning, but I know I have to pull myself together for work and the school drop off tomorrow, so I'm trying.

Thank you too for the suggestions about calling the Samaritans. It's honestly never occurred to me to do that before. Mental health services on the NHS seem so basic and difficult to access that it feels almost pointless trying to speak to my GP again, but I will contact them about my antidepressants. I think I might need to change them to ones which specifically help with OCD.

I do have weekly counselling sessions through a local women's centre to help me deal with the trauma of the DV and my childhood. I know how it sounds, but my DH has come a long way in changing his behaviour and patterns since the DV incident. It seems to have been a real wake up call for him. That being said, when we fall out he knows how to make me feel like the worst person in the world and like everything is my fault, which is what happened last night.

To be honest I think the issue at the moment is that the stress of life with such small kids and the trauma of the DV incident has kicked off a really bad bout of OCD that seems to be escalating and latching on to more and more things. Realising I might have OCD is quite new to me, so I think I need to try and access some specific support for that. It's taking over my life and causing so much pain and distress. But again, trying to get help through the NHS seems so daunting.

As cliche as it sounds, they helped as I needed someone to talk to. It helped de-escalate the feelings that I wanted to hurt myself as a physical expression of the hurt and sadness I was feeling. They were not counselling but would offer suggestions to help me out of my immediate state (my problems were an ex at the time). There are also a few apps that helped with the de-escalation -Calm Harm and Distract.

This was 6 years ago and I'm pleased to say I am now very happy. You will be too. The hardest part is knowing where to actually start in untangling the web of worry and it feels overwhelming when all you can think of at the time is how awful everything is. Counselling helped me.

Big hug to you op.

How are you doing OP? X

I think you need to go back to your GP and therapist hun and show them your post. You may need some additional help/meds 💚

I’m so sorry you feeling like this. I have also been feeling the same. Please try to hang in there. What cheered me up today was watching old videos on my phone of when my children were babies. I know yours are toddlers so you probably won’t have to scroll that far to find! I hope you feel better soon.

I think it's a positive that you know this isn't how life should be.
Clearly you know that life can be better, fun even. I think it's more about losing the essence of yourself than not wanting to be alive.

It totally sounds as if it's the environment, primarily the toxic relationship ruining it all. Really I would consider getting the control back and single parenting. Being in control of your life and those of your kids without any judgement, is so freeing.