I don't really want to be here but not suicidal.

[malificent7]

How do I bring back the joy?

Married to a wonderful dh. Got a lovely dd but bear the scars of a troubled childhood and young adulthood. It just all really hurts and I can't be bothered with years more councelling.
Ny mum abused me badly when growing up as did my 1st bf and everyone elae since. Bullied at school, work etc.
My current dh loves life and is a people person. I hate most people as I get hurt and have one friend I trust. I don't want to drag him or dd down.
When I got married my dad said he wouldn't give me as much towards the wedding as I cost him more than my sister when growing up. Not true.
He helped in the end but I'm still angry...only as I told him I didn't want him to walk me down the isle.
I'm even more angry that my dad got together with my ex friend's mum 5 months after my mum died and never once spoke to me about my mum.
Ex friends mum has got really upset that I have distanced myself and pit lots of pressure on me to play happy families.
I really struggle with work and always have ( on waiting list for asd assessment) and my dad loves rubbing it in iabout how he dosnt have to work anymore whislt going on his 100th holiday this year.
As for my ex friend...dont go there.
Im not suicidal but dont want to be here and wish i was never born. How do i cope?
On list for yet more councelling!

[bluejelly]

I'm sorry to hear. You've had a tough time and didn't deserve any of this.
I recognise the feeling of not wanting to be here - I had it when I was depressed.
Great that you are on the list for counselling, would you consider anti-depressants in the meantime? Have you talked to your GP?
Hang in there, things will get better

[hk1993x]

Didn't want to read and run. It sounds like you've had a pretty turbulent childhood etc, hang on to your own little family and forget everyone else! It's an awful feeling isn't it? Like you don't want to die but you don't want to live like this.. I get it. Hang in there 💚

[AmaryllisChorus]

Try to focus on three things:

• Your DD and what you want for her - from day to day stuff like 'It's sunny, let's go to the park' to big picture stuff like: 'I want her to have memories of a stable, loving childhood', to 'I want her to have these skills to set her up for adulthood, so I will take her swimming, cook with her, read with her' etc.
• Self care. Just say to yourself: even though I don't care if I shower/dress/eat healthily etc, I am doing it anyway.
• Do new things and keep a journal of them. One new thing a day that you've never done before. It's weird but it really works at killing anhedonia (the kind of depression where you just have no joy and care about nothing.) It also helps you focus on the present and future not the past. And it opens up the world for you again and makes you realise all its possibilities. Do small things at first like trying new shower gel or type of tea, or walking home from work or school a different way. But build up to slightly more challenging things - a free online course, redecorating a room in your house, and then real challenges - a run, mountain hike, applying for a better job etc. Keep a journal on how you felt doing it - doesn't have to be upbeat - can just be: tried raspberry shampoo , prefer apple scented. Or climbed a mountain, feet hurt but got a sense of achievement.

What I found when reading back through the journal after a couple of months, was that feeling of 'nothing matters, I have no joy' had just melted away and the journal entries got longer and started to be full of excitement and energy and all sorts of emotions. Worth a try. You can't change the past and you can't control how a parent treats you. But you can control your present and plan a brighter future for your DC, your DH and you. That's worth getting your joy back for.

[malificent7]

Dd is a teen but loves meals out so will try that...we had a raging argument yesterday as she has her gcses coming up and I gently reminded her to revise
Tbh she has been but she had 3 days off and I tried to nudge her along. It was like WW3. We both get anxious.
Mostly we do get on though...she can be very loving but I do hate giving lifts and I am very restricted on weekends as I have to pick her up from work etc.
Poor dh is so easy going it hurts. I get mad at him too sometimes.
I feel like he deserves better than me.
He has bought me several diaries which i might use for the purpose you suggested.

I'm on citralopran which I took double of today. Poor dd ..she deserves better too.

[Fluffywigg]

Sorry to hear this OP. Sounds like you’ve had a hard past. You sound like you’re a wonderful Mum and a partner - your DH wouldn’t have married you otherwise.

Take care x

[malificent7]

Thank you but he's a sucker...bless him!

[Happyinarcon]

Look into alternative treatments for trauma release like emdr or cbt. Talk therapy isn’t always the best option

[malificent7]

Ive had emdr in the past...it was amazing. Id love just to sleep for a very long time but still be there for dd.
Or be a hermit and just hug my cat all the time.

[Cowardlybitch]

I just saw this and thought of your post:

[Patchworksack]

You don’t say how old you are but if you have a teen DD you might be perimenopausal? Lots of women report experiencing similar feelings so it’s worth considering if hormones may be a contributing factor.

[malificent7]

I'm definately petimenopausal and on hrt.

[madmumofteens]

You've had a lot to deal with OP I know I had a difficult relationship with my mum which impacted my relationship with my DD be gentle with yourself you are doing your best 💐

[Worried86]

@malificent7 I don’t have any knowledgeable advice to add I’m afraid, I also struggle with that same feeling a lot. While you have been let down by many people in your life, I’m so glad to hear you have a brilliant partner and a lovely DD. I’m not sure if it’s the “right” way of looking at it, but when I feel rubbish, I know that I have people who deserve a “happy and healthy me” in their lives even when I don’t always feel that I do myself.

I think @AmaryllisChorus suggestions are spot on, particularly love gradually expanding your life with new things is fantastic, I’m going to try this.

💐💐💐

[solice84]

Same op
I've felt like this for as long as I can remember so although i maybe peri now it's certainly not a new thing
I think I might have EUPD (BPD) but I really don't want a label
I just try my best but inside I'm in turmoil all the time and feel like I can't let myself be happy

[OriginalUsername2]

If you have ASD maybe DD does. My DD can’t be told to revise or her ability to revise will disappear from the pressure. I leave her to it but talk in general about the importance of it.

I’m not actively telling her what to do but she knows what I expect her to do, if you see what I mean.