Could it be ADHD?

[Heatherland77]

I'm wanting to seek advice from people regarding my adult sister.
We've had a very strained relationship for twenty five years and I've been left utterly confused and heartbroken by what I have perceived as hot and cold behaviour from her.
When we are in a room together, she's extremely nice and friendly. She talks incessantly though and she doesn't stop to listen to me, plus I can't get a word in edgeways anyway. My father (who had HF autism) was very violent towards me from the age of two and I have repeatedly asked family members to never speak about him in front of me as it triggers feelings of trauma in me but my sister just carries on mentioning him and telling me information I don't want to know. She can talk non-stop for eight hours straight. When she's doing things by herself, she's still talking to herself. I find that exhausting as I pay attention to what she's saying and in conversation, want to respond in a way that builds the conversation. But I always feel like there's little point, and so much is left unsaid because there's no room for me to speak.
She can also be extremely forgetful. Over the years there have been numerous parking or speeding tickets. She became pregnant not once but twice because she forgot to take her contraceptive pill. She recently went on holiday and didn't even remember where she was going. At Christmas, I gave her some veg I'd grown on my allotment but accidentally left my favourite kitchen pairing knife in the bag that I'd used to cut the veg stalks on the plot. It took twelve reminders, post-it notes placed in the hallway by her children and numerous texts to get her to remember to bring back the knife to me.
Then there's the time blindness. She will forget to eat (because she's talking or immersed in a task) and I make her stop to eat lunch. Recently we've had some hefty family related tasks to do to clear down a relative's house. I've asked to meet her at a certain time at the house and she is always late or has thought she can squeeze in a morning appointment beforehand because her sense of time planning is challenged.
She admits to procrastinating and this is where things become very upsetting for me. I've sent her very important questions or messages that needed either an answer or some form of reciprocal validation and she doesn't respond. This has left me feeling really unappreciated and unloved. When we're not in a room together and she's gone back to her family, it's literally like I don't exist! I don't hear from her for weeks, months and it's always me who initiates contact. Over the years I've sent birthday presents to her children and half the time I don't even know if they've received the presents as nobody ever says thank you, or even, 'I got your gift'. It's just a complete blank.
The most hurtful part over the last 25 years has been her over promising. She's suggested we go away on road trips or adventures, she tells me she loves me and we have each other....then when I ask if we can start planning the road trip etc, she literally doesn't respond?!?!
I have finally been diagnosed with C PTSD as a result of this relationship that I just cannot understand. In June last year, when things between us became so strange and confusing, my brain actually melted and I had a personality/reality break down from the stress. I've asked her to leave me in peace as I cannot face another 25 years of this. It's been soul destroying. I just do not understand why anyone would say they love me and then disappear with what looks like no intention of following through with actions to prove it. It's all gas and no mileage.
So please, if anyone reads this and recognises what could be ADHD, this would bring me some peace. It's not like I can say to my sister I suspect she has ADHD. That's for a professional to work through with her. I don't think she's even aware of it.

[AnOpinionInTheHand]

Time blindness and procrastinating / forgetting to do things even when reminded can be traits of adhd.

The incessant talking, talking over people, bringing up something you’ve asked her not to, ignoring you and ghosting you - that’s bloody rude. Even if you have adhd you can still be a thoughtful person (I have been diagnosed with it). It requires work and effort but it’s still possible to be mindful of people’s feelings.

[pearsbeforeberries]

This definitely sounds like ADHD to me. Although there are other things that can cause the same symptoms (eg malnutrition and mould toxicity etc). But for her to get a diagnosis she'd have to show it significantly impairs her life in more than one area (as far as I understand it - that's what I think I had to do). It kind of sounds like it's impairing the lives of those around her at the moment and she's mostly getting by largely unaware of this. Or do you think she realises how difficult her behaviour is to others? I agree with the above poster that you can have ADHD and still be considerate even if it takes a lot of work. Sorry you're struggling with this - it sounds very difficult.

[InattentiveADHD]

It sounds very much like ADHD. You can still be a thoughtful person and have ADHD. I am very thoughtful but am still very very bad at keeping in contact with friends and family. I get overwhelmed with what's going on in the here and now and can't always face texting or talking. There is also a large element of out of sight out of mind with everything (if I need to do something with an object I need to leave it out where I can see it or it's not going to happen) including people sadly. It has zero bearing on how I feel about them. I can feel extremely sad and like I'm really missing someone and still not manage to get in contact.

I recently made contact via family tree research with a second cousin who we quickly established also had ADHD. One of the first things she says was apologising if she didn't keep in contact as she was rubbish at doing so. I told her not to worry as I totally got it!

You often get people talking about ADHDers as the pp has done eg if she was more thoughtful she wouldn't do x. Sadly bring thoughtful or considerate or caring doesn't stop you having ADHD. Often just getting through the normal stuff you have to do in a day takes all your brain power if not more and can cause significant anxiety. You often have nothing left to dedicate to anyone else despite wanting to and feeling bad about it.

I'm sorry that your sister is causing you so much upset. Have you tried speaking to her about it and how it upsets you? She may not be able to do much about it, but she might be able to consider your feelings to all of it more. For example apologising when she forgets things or mentions your dad (people with ADHD often blurt stuff out they don't mean to - I am constantly putting my foot in my mouth!). It sounds like she cares about you from the stuff she says, but perhaps doesn't fully realise how much she's upsetting you?

[CurlsnSunshinetime4tea]

easily could be trauma as well.
the non stop talking is a way to not discuss the elephant in the room, its a way of protecting herself as is the forgetfulness.

[WhatsTheProblemSarah]

I've got ADHD and can talk incessantly. However, I'm quite self aware and know when to reel myself in, but it's hard and sometimes it almost feels like I'm bursting from holding it in tbh. But I've also got Dyspraxia and was observed to have 'obsessive behaviour' by my educational psychologist as a kid so part of it could be down to that. However, there's often an overlap and lots of people with Dyspraxia also have ADHD which is why I mentioned it.

[InattentiveADHD]

@WhatsTheProblemSarah

I've got ADHD and can talk incessantly. However, I'm quite self aware and know when to reel myself in, but it's hard and sometimes it almost feels like I'm bursting from holding it in tbh. But I've also got Dyspraxia and was observed to have 'obsessive behaviour' by my educational psychologist as a kid so part of it could be down to that. However, there's often an overlap and lots of people with Dyspraxia also have ADHD which is why I mentioned it.

Incessant talking is v common with ADHD. I get that feeling of "bursting" if I can't get it out as does my DS. Talking in groups is v difficult if the conversation moves on and I haven't had a chance to say my bit yet! 😩I've been known to follow my DH around the house as I need to finish ranting what I am saying 😳. Luckily he's v understanding! Me and DS don't talk constantly but when we get going it can be hard to stop us. My DH doesn't tend to get a look on when both me and DS are in the room!

[vincettenoir]

This does sound like ADHD.

My guess is she does love you but she will just never be able to provide you with the support or validation you may need. Find that elsewhere if you can and accept the limits of the relationship you have with your sister, as they currently are. It is likely she is incapable of change (particularly if she is older).

[WhatsTheProblemSarah]

@InattentiveADHD

Incessant talking is v common with ADHD. I get that feeling of "bursting" if I can't get it out as does my DS. Talking in groups is v difficult if the conversation moves on and I haven't had a chance to say my bit yet! 😩I've been known to follow my DH around the house as I need to finish ranting what I am saying 😳. Luckily he's v understanding! Me and DS don't talk constantly but when we get going it can be hard to stop us. My DH doesn't tend to get a look on when both me and DS are in the room!

Yeah, I totally get that 'needing to finish' bit. I don't mind listening to other people but feel I need to get it all across first. That's what made me wonder if it was a slightly OCD element instead as it's like I need to get every detail across before they reply. Realistically, though, people don't absorb every little scrap of info if you talk for two mins so it's ultimately less effective than a back and forth discussion.

[InattentiveADHD]

@WhatsTheProblemSarah

Yeah, I totally get that 'needing to finish' bit. I don't mind listening to other people but feel I need to get it all across first. That's what made me wonder if it was a slightly OCD element instead as it's like I need to get every detail across before they reply. Realistically, though, people don't absorb every little scrap of info if you talk for two mins so it's ultimately less effective than a back and forth discussion.

Am exactly the same! I need to explain everything in immense detail or I don’t think anyone will understand. I think this is quite common with ADHDers as we don’t know how to summarise and filter information into important and not important. So we often go into way too much detail. Tbf I absolutely need detail in order to understand something so I think I assume others are the same. I do note though that most people seem to be perfectly happy with just a general idea of something which blows my mind tbh! Although I know this I still can’t summarise as I really have very little clue what to leave out.

The fact that I talk too much and give too much detail was noted in my ADHD assessment as a relevant factor. Interestingly I was actually really trying to be concise and to the point in my assessment as we were on a time limit, but she still noted that I was providing (presumably irrelevant) detail!

[merrymelodies]

My behaviour is very similar 😔 and yes, I have ADHD. I can see your pov but I absolutely identify with your sister. It's an actual medical disorder so please educate yourself and try to be patient.

[Heatherland77]

Thank you for the really helpful perspectives. The dyspraxia/ADHD link..... My sister used to accidentally drop cutlery on the floor every single meal time. We'd wait for the clang on the floor and had back-up cutlery ready for her. This carried on until she was at least 11? That could be slight dyspraxia, or attention deficit/not focusing on holding the cutlery?