So worried about student son

[signsofspring123]

DS 18 has just returned home for Easter, he is 18 and living in halls. The uni is a 6 hour drive away.

I was shocked when I saw him. He looks absolutely terrible and just seems a shell of himself.
He mentioned he was having problems sleeping which I took to read as partying too hard but it seems much more serious than that.
He says he can't sleep AT ALL at night and is therefore dozing off during the day or completely useless during the day. It is affecting his MH and says he has no motivation to do anything or help himself.
Since he's been home I can hear him prowling around in the middle of the night and because I'm out all day I can't monitor him what he's doing. I can't really engineer getting him into a better sleep routine and even I could it would only be temporary.

He says he also hates the course he is on and wants to change although I suspect that is because he is unable to keep up with the work because he is so tired.

He freely admits he is drinking too much, partly to self medicated and partly due to social anxiety. He's not eating properly either, the whole flat lives on rubbish and I suspect he spends the allowance we give him on going out. He's always been really slim but I can see he's lost a lot of weight.
He doesn't have a huge amount of friends at uni or at home and has always been reluctant to talk about how he is feeling.

I have insisted he sees our GP asap but he said he just wants medication rather than any kind of broader support. He seems to think anti depressants will fix it all.

I am terrified that he is spiralling and that if he doesn't get help the worst could happen. Being such a long way away doesn't help.

Is there anything else I can do to help him?

[Spaghetti127]

That sounds concerning. Would you be able to get his consent to set up a support meeting for him at his university when he returns? They could cover all sorts of help from Mental Health to extensions, social prescribing, course change. Uni's cannot talk about students without their express permission (unless their is immediate risk) so the best thing might be to broach this with your son, write an email together and cc him using his student email address.

Otherwise, have you looked at sleep hygiene?

Are you going back down with him after Easter? Can you do a healthy food shop together?

If he's reluctant to talk about how he's feeling would he be open to writing them?

[signsofspring123]

Thank you...
I did ask if he has sought any support at uni but he was adamant he did t want to raise it with anyone, short of just changing his course.

One of his uni friends has joined a local gym and is in the routine of getting up early each day to go.
I did suggest DS did the same if we offered to fund it but he said he wouldn't be able to keep it up.

I will research more about sleep hygiene but it is ultimately it is something he needs to embrace. I was hoping he could pick up some work whilst he is home, thereby forcing him into routine but there isn't anything around for 3 weeks

[Spaghetti127]

If he speaks with them about a course change it's still a good start, they might be able to pick up that there is a bit more going on if he can have an appointment with them. If not, then he's met someone who he can go back to in the future should he feel ready to accept support.

It's tricky as we can only make suggestions and it's challenging when their not yet ready to take them and engage.

Hope he's ok

[signsofspring123]

The one thing he did volunteer is that he has had some really dark moments this term and that one of his friends nearly contacted me

[Goldusty]

Hi OP,
i guess he’ll find it hard to adjust back at home for a bit but hopefully after a few days he’ll feel a bit more like himself and be able to share with you more about what’s going on with him. I would give him some space, offer of hugs and an available listening ear for now. Lack of sleep and poor diet can create irrational thinking…

[fisherking1]

I had a similar thing happen with my DS but it escalated and he had pyschosis. It was pure chance that I called and realised that DS was not right.

I drove to see him it was a 3 hr drive
away. When I arrived he was paranoid and scared to leave his room. He hadn't slept for days. DH and I watched him day and night for weeks. On the first night he ran away thinking people were chasing him. Luckily my DH heard him.

We got a GP appointment and a crisis team were involved. There wasn't much they could do tbh. It took 6 months until he was stable. It is 2 years on now and he is on an apprenticeship and is doing well no further episodes. It was incredibly stressful and frightening.

I would keep in constant contact as this can escalate quite quickly.

[Twoshoesnewshoes]

If he is motivated to take medication, it may not be a bad place to start.
sometimes medication can lift the mood enough to then use sleep routines, counselling etc effectively.

[Turmerictolly]

Maybe also give him 'permission' to drop out. Sometimes young people don't want to let their parents down and try to soldier on. A year out will give him time to get well and think about what he wants to do.

[Ivyy]

Oh op this really resonates with me, I had a breakdown after my first term at uni, came home for Christmas and fell apart. All very complex what was going on in my brain, but I remember it was the first time I had proper insomnia, it really is torture and a wrecking ball for everything else. Anxiety had been part of my life as far back as I could remember, but I started having panic attacks, had developed depression and having suicidal thoughts.

If he finds it hard to open up or just doesn't know how to put the feelings into words, personally I'd find a psychologist or psychiatrist privately to see asap and start to unpick everything. If my dd is ever in crisis with mental health it's what I'll be doing, it's what I wish my parents had done but it was different 20 years ago and they knew nothing about mental health. Talking therapies and cbt that I had 10 years later during another mental health crisis are what I needed at 18 with the benefit of hindsight.
I'd also see if the GP can help with short term medication like sleeping tablets, it helped reset my sleep routine but caution is also needed because they can be addictive and I know from experience my parents were very worried I'd take too many. Anti depressants did help but take several weeks to start working. He may need to take some time off uni and go back late.
I do think talking therapies with a psych qualified in mental health conditions (not a counsellor) would be a big help, and of course seeing the GP. It might be worth getting his bloods done and checking for any physical issues as well, when I was very deficient in B12 I was both mentally and physically unwell.

Not that this is relevant to you op, but in my late 30's I was also told I was likely autistic too when my dd was diagnosed. I'm on the waiting list for an assessment and can see now how throughout my life neurodiversity played a part in many aspects of my mental health.

Good luck op

[mangololly]

I feel for you, op, my ds is 18 and has gone through a major mental health crisis - in the end he had to take anti depressants, a high dose, but your ds would need to be at home if he does this so you can monitor him.

The previous message is spot on, great advice there.

Please pm me if you like x

[Charlingspont]

If he says he's open to anti-depressants then get him to the doctor asap. Don't stop him seeing a doctor because you don't think it's the right treatment. He really really needs to see a doctor.

[TwigletsAndRadishes]

I'd put money on this being quite a serious cannabis problem.

[RunnerDown]

It really doesn’t sound like he should return to uni. He clearly isn’t coping. Have you discussed this with him. It feels like the end of the world at the time but if it allows him to recover and re think what course he really wants to do it will be much better in the long run. Both of my ds hit problems with their first course at uni- leaving and picking up something else when they were ready has been very successful for both of them .
He needs to know that his mental health is way more important than any uni course, and that taking time out now doesn’t mean that things won’t work out in the future. As said above he might be very worried about letting you down if he leaves ,or he may be feeling that rules out uni in the future.
Personally I wouldn’t put any pressure on him at all at the moment. He does need to see the GP , and obviously it would be great if he would talk to someone . But he may not be ready to do that yet, and medication and taking the pressure off him will tide him over until he is more able to open up. Therapy is very worthwhile but you can’t force people to engage

[signsofspring123]

So managed to get him a GP appointment but he wouldn't let me go in with him.
He was prescribed 10mg Fluoxetine although refused to explore talking therapy. I appreciate it will take a few weeks to kick in but hope it will have a small placebo effect in the meantime.its difficult to read him so I can't tell if he feels relief at having taken the 1st step.

As a family we are obviously concerned but are also finding his behaviour really challenging whilst he's been home.
He is awake all night and therefore asleep or zombied during day. Moaning about being skint and asking for money yet not looking for any kind of temp paid work. Does nothing to help out round the house and is downright obnoxious and bad tempered to the rest of us.

I am struggling to know how best to support him.
He is my boy and whilst he is back home I have been doing my best to ensure he is well fed, has a calm, cosy environment, that I'm always available for him to chat. BUT another big part of me is so frustrated and wants him to try and help himself. Am so tempted to force him out of bed at 7am when I leave for work and leave him a long anything to prevent him from sleeping the day
away.

Maybe I'm old school but am sure if he actually forced himself into better sleep hygiene it would massively improve his MH.

[signsofspring123]

@TwigletsAndRadishes

I'd put money on this being quite a serious cannabis problem.

This is an interesting point...I have asked him several times and he says not. He freely admits
to drink too much though.

[DGPP]

This doesn’t have to be a cannabis problem. And you getting him up at 7am won’t help. I had terrible insomnia as a young adult and it absolutely floored me. I can see now that I was majorly stressed. Your son won’t always be like this but you have to support him. Remind him to take the anti depressants, sit up with him some nights doing nice things like a movie in the hope it relaxes him enough to go to bed at 1am/2am instead of being up all night. Ask him if he can consider being up by 10am to then help his body be more tired in the evenings. Can you go for long walks for some exercise? Basically he’s having an awful time but he will get better with medication, counselling if you can persuade him and your support

[TwigletsAndRadishes]

It doesn't have to be a cannabis problem. But I bet it is.

[signsofspring123]

DH has worried me by suggesting that DS may have been thrown off his course but been too scared to tell us.
He has come home with his laptop but no sign of any paperwork

Am wondering if universities are obliged to inform parents if this happens if only from duty of care or not if DS hasn't given permission.

[signsofspring123]

He also told DH he doesn't have any work to do over the break

[DGPP]

I think you need to be more compassionate. You’re going down the route of just pull your socks up when actually you’ve got a child with severe insomnia, needing anti-depressants, with few friends who has lost an awful lot of weight and desperately wants to change course. If he can’t fall apart at home where can he? Give him chance to recuperate, keep being his biggest champion, let the ADs kick in and see how he is in a few weeks.
I think it’s pretty sad people jump to the conclusion it’s drugs. As I said, I had almost intolerable insomnia, it was nothing to do with drugs. Being berated by my parents would not have helped. I did get better, I’m in a senior professional job, it was just a low period of my life. keep asking questions but don’t assume the worst

[HangerOverTreeFruit]

@signsofspring123 re uni notifying you as parents, no. He is an adult and unless he specifically states they can contact you then they won't.

A few things, has he told you at any point how he is doing academically in terms of marks for his modules? They usually don't count toward their final grade in 1st year as it is them finding their feet, however if he fails modules then he will not pass his first year. He should be given the chance to resit exams this summer if he fails those though he could be out.

I would find it hard to believe he has no work to complete over breaks as they are never really breaks. Do you want to say which uni he is at? Ds is at a high ranking one and he has always had work to complete over "holidays" and he is not one for leaving things either. He will also have end of year exams usually starting in May so he should possibly be revising for those.

I understand the sleep hygiene issue but you waking him at 7am is just cruel and possibly interrupting the sleep he is having. You do need to talk to him about options. Does he want to go into second year? Does he have accommodation sorted for second year? ie you are guarantor and on the hook for the cost. Does he want to take a year out? Summer is usually end of May or beginning of June as exams finish and there is usually no teaching so they are home for months before needing to go back. Would this be enough time to be looked after and consider his options? Re the course he can always drop out but the accommodation is the killer. He needs to know you are in his corner, uni can be so overwhelming, organising themselves, cooking, shopping, peer pressure to be out, work load. It can be a lot.

What were his cooking abilities when he was at home before he went to uni? Has it slid?Is he eating well now at home?

[iwafs]

personally, I would get him out of that uni, immediately - I would not let him go back and I’d try and transfer him into the first year of a course (for September) at a uni that’s commutable from your home, citing MH issues. This can work wonders for some people.

an antidepressant isn’t treating the cause of the problem at all. The best it could do is have a placebo effect for him. It has obviously been a very stressful experience and he could do with living at home with your support - that could tackle the root cause.

he may feel stressed and ashamed about the cost of fees paid, accommodation, loans, etc. I would make sure to tell him that it’s only money and that it doesn’t matter. Money is replaceable but he isn’t - I’d tell him that.

[Tatapie]

I agree, that particular uni set up is not good for him and would benefit from starting over. Also agree that he needs to learn how to take care of himself with your support. I get your frustration but he will get there with your help. It's good he's talking to you about it, he clearly needs your help. Hang in there.

[signsofspring123]

I don't mean to come across as unfeeling or cruel, just out of my depth with little idea how best to help him when he is only going to be home for another fortnight.

I have no idea about his grades, early on he said he was doing well but now he volunteers nothing apart from saying the course is really hard and he doesn't like the other students.

He is capable of looking after himself in theory but is saying he finds it difficult to food shop. That led to a conversation about meal planning/list writing but that inevitably leads to him saying we don't give him enough money. Frustrating when I know we give him an adequate amount and he is going out drinking with no effort to find part time work, even if only a few hours.

He has a house lined up for next year sharing with 5 other lads and yes DH & I are guarantors!

I am looking back at last summer, he seemed so excited and optimistic but I do wonder if he was mentally and emotionally ready for such a huge change. Coupled with the reality of being so far from home I do suspect he is massively out of his depth but too scared to open up.

[signsofspring123]

I went to uni and although I did a have a few teething wobbles I generally loved my 1st year. DS seemed to be giving the same impression but I was clearly wrong and it's all a bit of a shock.