Lost in motherhood

[Mama1209]

I’m trying my best to juggle work & my kids. I’ve completely lost myself. House is a mess, we need new carpets for a start, lots of things are broken. I’m overweight, don’t do any kind of beauty treatments or go to the gym. I’m constantly exhausted and so is my husband as our baby does not sleep and we both have to work. I think I probably could make more of an effort to do things for myself and this would in turn help my family but I never have the time/ energy/ money to spare as I feel that would be better spent elsewhere! Does anyone else feel like this? How do you help yourself? I’m so stuck in a rut!! I seem to get like this every few months, then I talk myself into being kinder to myself thinking it doesn’t matter, my kids don’t care etc but then this feeling comes back again! I wish I was one of those people who looks good all the time. I know other mums who have surgery ie boobs etc and go to the gym every day and I find myself wondering how they manage it!

Hi OP,

You are certainly not alone - i imagine 95% of mothers feel the same!

I know i do, and i only have 1 DD who (thankfully) sleeps well at night. But life is still just exhausting, working, hoursework, mental load, finding time for you/partner/friends/family all whilst being fit and cooking meals from scratch.

Its EXHAUSTING. and I can't do it - so I've stopped trying to be honest. Some days i have more energy than others and will make more of an effort with my appearance, other days i look homeless.

What i have done is started getting my eyelashes/eyebrows done every 6 weeks. I dont care about the cost or what else it can go on because its something for me for a change.
Once a week i will have a long bath with a face mask on and just be.

Ive started allocating myself little time slots and allowing myself to be selfish. I have no words of wisdom for you because i dont know how/when this feeling ends (if it does) - but just dont afraid to be selfish occassionally - we all deserve it!

I love this! I think it’s giving yourself permission to look after yourself, to put yourself 1st for a change isn’t it?! Why are we so conditioned to put ourselves last?!

I feel the same OP. Sorry I have no advice to offer.

Is there any update to how you feel?

How are you feeling now? You are definitely not alone! Being a working mum (mine are 3 and 8 months old) - or a mum full stop - can feel EXHAUSTING. It's also tough when the kids aren't sleeping so you have my full sympathy.

One thing that's helped me: when I plan my weeks, I start with the things that are just for me (nails, spa, hair, meals with friends, I go swimming twice a week) and then I plan the rest of my week (work, kids, meals, time with my husband, weekly shop etc.) around them. Doing it this way means that time to myself is non-negotiable and the rest of my life revolves around me-time. It's a shift in mentality that has been a total game-changer. I am happier, more energised and getting weekly exercise (which helps when you're feeling exhausted). My work hasn't suffered (in fact, I've become more efficient with my time) and I feel more present with my husband and kids.

Here are a few other things that have helped me:

-WFH/ Flexible work schedule (mine, not DH). I appreciate this isn't an option for everyone
-DH has had to step up at home. He is home for dinner/bath time everyday (but works until midnight to make up for it) and he (batch) cooks all our meals
-Robot vacuum (life-changing)
-Cleaner once a week
-Taking time off work to do a regular declutter of the house (has done wonders for my mental health)
-I am ruthless about cutting meetings out of my schedule. I worked out along the way that 90% of my meetings could be an email or a 10-minute phone call so I do that instead. 30-minute meetings can be 15-minute meetings if we cut out small talk and stick to the agenda. I aim for 5hrs or less of meetings per week.

I hope this is helpful. I hope you're doing better. These are difficult (but rewarding) years.

Thanks for asking! Last week we went away for the weekend as a family and I booked myself into the salon for nails, lashes, eyebrows, tan and got so many compliments all week and felt great! Also went to the gym and put my baby in the Creche on my day off. Planning on going to the gym again this weekend. House is still a mess, baby is still not sleeping although about 2 x per week she will sleep through which is better than not at all! We have a cleaner 1 x per week and honestly I don’t know how I’d cope without her as I have a very demanding job working 3-6 days per week. I still have a list of jobs to do like clean the oven and lots of things are still broken in my house. Things like lightbulbs need changing but my husband won’t do it. Then I look at friends / people on social media and they have these houses straight out of magazines and I think HOW like just HOW

Thank you. This is a genius way of thinking about it because it is shifting mindset back to thinking the way we thought before husband and kids. I am definitely going to try this. I am a teacher but I am willing to change career to work from home or in a more flexible position. It is not sustainable being outside of the home 5 days a week until around 6pm as I never get any house work done during the week. If I were to work from home I could do one or two chores during lunch break etc. I honestly am so miserable about how I look so scheduling everything around me time instead of hoping for me time or being too exhausted for it will hopefully make a difference. Since having dc 3, my husband has got so lazy. He needs to step up and do more and I am going to have a conversation with him about that.
Thanks for suggestions.

@Mama1209 your husband is part of the problem if he won't even change a lightbulb.
Could your cleaner do any extra time one week to sort out things like the oven ?
Sympathies, I've been there.

Definitely!! He really does not want me to do anything other than work, clean & childcare it seems

I’d have a make or break talk.

It’s a cycle with us. We have been together 10 years and I’d say twice a year we have this talk. He just isn’t supportive. Doesn’t say nice things to me, doesn’t support me emotionally it’s like he just doesn’t have it in him. He says oh yes go to the gym etc etc then when it comes to it (like today) he says “em I don’t think so” when I said I was going to the gym, because he didn’t want to be left with the baby. I just laughed and went anyway. I’ve come back now and they are both napping.

Not sure if I’d stay with someone like that.

Good for you.

Thanks! Then I cleaned the house while they were napping. We just went good shopping and he was moaning about spending his money. I only bought a few bits for the family over the weekend. I said just get food for the next 2 days and when I get paid on Monday I’ll do a big shop. He got loads of stuff for himself steak, salmon, vitamins, toiletries then had the cheek to tell me at the checkout he wanted me to pay half. We are married with kids like wtf?!

Wow. Do you have any incling as to why he is choosing to be so difficult? Has he always been like this? I feel like when some men are in a bad place they tend to get selfish and difficult and the women in their lives pay the price. My partner was so stubborn and unreasonable when he was unemployed for a while it was horrible. I planned to leave him so many times. Now he is in a happier place he is a better person. Do you both work full time? Something has got to give.

Things like lightbulbs need changing but my husband won’t do it.

In assuming you're just exaggerating for MN because that's a bit extreme