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Mental health

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Original poster

I just dont feel like a Mum

13 replies

vnewmummy · 03/03/2008 13:41

Hi,

I have a 12 week baby girl who I am told is very good. I know deep down she is but I feel terible as I find the daily duties of looking after a her so boring. I cant wait until she is sleeping so I can spend some time doing my jobs and its only then I relax. I cant wait to go back to work, it will be part time rather than full time but I feel so selfish as I just cant seem to let go of my old life.

On the outside I look like the perfect Mum and my daughter is given lots of love but on the inside I cant stop thinking about what I am missing.

In the last year we moved from central London to Surrey, my friends are all working and live in the City. I dont really like where we have moved too but we cant move back due to the cost of a large home in London. I miss having the time to do what i please, travelling etc...

Does anyone else know what I am going through or am I a just a bad selfish Mum?

OP posts:

meemar · 03/03/2008 13:45

Your are not bad or selfish! You have a new baby (congratulations ) and your life is going through a huge adjustment.

Not everynew mum enjoys the babycare side of stuff. You say your dd is given lots of love and that is the most important thing of all!

Enjoy your time off while you have it and don't feel bad about wanting to go back to work.

It's normal to crave your old life and what you've given up, but that will fade as you get used to your new life.

ska · 03/03/2008 13:45

you sound very fed up and lonely - not at all a bad person. You need to find some mates - do you have an NCT group near you/any baby groups at all at the local church hall etc? I know they sound awful but the chances are they will be full of people just like you. I hated my first few weeks and was so lonely but have made the bestest of friends with other women i met via NCT and (eventually) school gate. don't give up - and you may find people here I started a local book group via an ad on mumsnet and they are all a lovely bunch.
don't suffer these feelings alone - do have a go at meeting a friend

ska · 03/03/2008 13:46

btw we had just moved too, where i knew no one at all

nappymadmummy · 03/03/2008 13:49

I think most, if not all, new mums feel a bit like that at some point. It's a big change in your life and moving away from your friends must make it even harder.

I would say that the first 3 months after you've given birth are the hardest. Your hormones are still settling down and your baby isn't very 'interactive'. In a couple of months she'll start to be more fun and it does get more enjoyable.

Do take care of yourself and keep an eye on how low you are feeling as PND can start like this, especially if you don't have much support around you.

Try to get out as much as you can, even if you don't feel like it. Find some baby groups. Classes like baby yoga and baby massage are great because there's not so much pressure to talk to people (I found that hard when I was finding things difficult) and they also help you to feel close to your baby.

CoteDAzur · 03/03/2008 13:49

I felt just like you after birth of DD - quickly had enough of the waah-waah, couldn't wait to go back to work, etc. Went back to work after maternity leave. Two months later I quit work because I couldn't bear the thought of leaving her in a nursery with strangers all day and every day.

This is not to say you will feel/do exactly the same things. You are very new at this motherhood thing and the big change in lifestyle IS hard. Babies ARE very boring at first, but it gets more interesting as they start to interact. Do whatever feels right. It is not the amount of time you spend cooking/cleaning/cooing with your newborn that will make you a good mum. And spending time away from her, doing things that YOU enjoy, does not make you a bad mum.

meemar · 03/03/2008 13:50

me too! I moved from London to the westcountry and it took me a long time to not feel homesick.

Agree about joining groups, don't be put off if they appear cliquey (they sometimes can), persevere and you'll find you meet one or two people you can just go for coffee with to get out of the house and talk.

meemar · 03/03/2008 13:52

Also, you are only in Surrey. Take your dd on the train and go into London with her! Go to a gallery or museum, have lunch. Meet some of your old workmates with the baby, they'll love it!

nickytwotimes · 03/03/2008 13:52

vnewmummy, I found the first 6 mths of looking after my baby really dull and relentless. It is monotonous work, yet there is no break. However, since then i havve found it much better and it continues to be more and more fun as he gets older. He is 19 mths now and we go on all sorts of little adventures in the ccar or on the bus and he is so much more fun. You are neither bad nor selfish. There is this image that motherhood brings deep fulfillment, but it doesn't - not on it's own. Some company would help. Are there any baby and parent groups yo ucould go to? I made some good friends at ours, so much so that I started my own when they weren't little enough for it anymore! you are certainly not the first mummy to feel this way!

ska · 03/03/2008 13:53

yes i agree - just try to get out a bit and dont worry about appearances, most new mums are shy too and desperate for someone to talk to.

Original poster

vnewmummy · 03/03/2008 14:16

Thank you everyone - I really appreciate your advice. I did post a reply but in the wrong place!

It makes me feel better to know I am not the only one who feels like this. I guess i have to be patient and wait for things to happen naturally.
xxx

OP posts:

ska · 03/03/2008 14:48

good luck and stay in touch

Kaz1967 · 05/03/2008 20:49

You sound just like my SiL she feels just the same she has not enjoyed J at all and cannot wait to be back at work. She loves him but being a stay at home Mum is just not her. My Brother on the other hand (they live in Germany) is taking over the childcare this month and cannot wait to be a stay at home Dad.

If you don't enjoy being a stay at home Mum does not mean you love her any less or are a bad Mum just mean that this is something you do not enjoy. You may settle into it and feel more comfortable you may not. When (if) you do go back to work you may find you can come home and enjoy her all the more and you both make more of your time together because you are able to look forward to it.

Nothing wrong with that we are all different.

NatLex · 09/04/2008 21:13

Hello ladies
So glad I found this thread tonight and relieved I am not the only one feeling like I lost myself and my life completely after having a baby. I love my son to bit, too much I would say even and find it really hard to let go now. Can't imagine leaving him with anyone or anywhere and given up a senior job and all my hobbies. It makes me feel very sad, as if I don't exist anymore and don't know how to get myself out of this hole. Motherhood is not for me and I don't enjoy it, but find it hard to find my way back to how I was, as I feel I lost myself along the way. I used to be ambisious, driven, determined, hard with clear focus and direction in my life, now I struggle to hold a conversation and live in old clothes and fed up with going for walks and baby groups. Don't know what to do and how to get my life back on track? May be I need to let go off my baby a bit and start rediscovering myself again? What does everyone think? I need help!!!

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