I am not ok

[GazingAndGrazing]

Everything is falling apart. I think I am on the brink of a mental breakdown and it scares me so much.

I have my end it all plan. I won’t do it, I really won’t because it would be selfish and I know I am loved at home. It just feels comforting that I have a plan in case I need it.

I’ve taken meds for years, talk to my gp, on a waiting list for therapy and asked for occ health at work.

No one knows how I really feel. On the outside I have everything and appear to be doing well although it’s crumbling and I can feel it coming. Work are on to me and I’ve had to admit a tiny, tiny bit of vulnerability.

I can’t be too honest, no way am I going back to a secure unit, that would be the final push too far, I wouldn’t be able to come back.

I’m so exhausted even just writing this down, I don’t know why I’m even do this - maybe in the hope that someone understands how exhausting fighting it all every day and night and has made it through without losing everything, I have a lot to lose.

I don’t want to appear rude, I’m going to switch off once posted and look back in the morning only purely because that voice you hear in your head is saying “no one will reply, why would they” I can also hear my phoning ringing in my mind and it annoys me because it’s not even switched on it’s just tormenting me and it wins every time.

Please don’t ask me to call the Samaritans I’m far too past that stage, ha I’m even posting on an anonymous forum in the hope of dulling the noises (I won’t say voices) I’m functioning to a minimum because I can’t do anything else until it gets to much and I can feel it coming just like it did before but I now have so much more to lose

[GazingAndGrazing]

I’m seriously worried about my memory. I had a conversation with DD today about doing more cooking and how much I’d like an air fryer so we agreed to go halves and I ordered from Argos for DD to collect today.

An air fryer arrived just now from Amazon, I was very puzzled but DH said we had spoken bout it days ago and I’d ordered it. I have no recollection of the conversation or ordering it? Ffs what is going on?

[Eckhart]

The memory issue is quite possibly just stress, OP.

I had an individual episode where I couldn't find my way home in the car, from a place I'd been to routinely over a long period of time. It was terrifying - I really felt I'd lost my mind. But it never happened again.

[GazingAndGrazing]

@Eckhart

The memory issue is quite possibly just stress, OP.

I had an individual episode where I couldn't find my way home in the car, from a place I'd been to routinely over a long period of time. It was terrifying - I really felt I'd lost my mind. But it never happened again.

That reassuring, thank you. I’m having to write lists for every day tasks, feed puppy, take tablets, order water etc and now this.

Hopefully the two weeks off will help re set things it’s really quite scary

[Eckhart]

Memory fails are quite common with stress, but it doesn't make them any less alarming, especially big ones. Lists rock!

[GazingAndGrazing]

Still writing my lists. The bad dreams have been awful this weekend, really draining.

I’ve taken to living In my kitchen, it’s so lovely and the pups have a great routine in here with me and fortunately DC are old enough to take them off for walks etc. I haven’t left the house since the last time I posted.

I’ve cooked up a storm which was appreciated although I don’t think they understand my need to be alone and I feel really bad that I keep thinking about the plan, it’s reassuring and the bad dreams are so draining.

As long as I can stay in my home bubble and everyone leaves me bee and doesn’t question me then I can do 2 weeks off work, just don’t test me, I won’t do it but I just don’t want to feel upset or pressured.

I could do with a massage and also need a shower... ha ha

[Nettletype]

Hi OP. My friend, who is a mental health and wellbeing coach, has started a blog you might find helpful. Please do check it out. I found it really helpful when I was feeling overwhelmed.
www.janeetty.com/blog

All the best

[GazingAndGrazing]

Thank you nettle I’m so paranoid right now I won’t click any links but I will take a look when I feel more stable.

I wonder when the voices stop, not voices just doubts and negatives all day every day along with hearing my mobile and emails when both are switched off. It’s so draining.

It’s horrible not caring about normal self care actually it isn’t, I don’t care. I honestly don’t have any opinion or care about anything as long as things stay as they are.

[GazingAndGrazing]

Still here, still the same.

Just checking in to a thread about me.

[MrsKHB]

How you doing OP?

I don’t get on here much due to working long hours but I am thinking of you.

[GazingAndGrazing]

Very kind of you mrs no change, still the same, I can’t believe I’ve spent a solid 4 days sitting in my kitchen all day losing time, not like me at all but time is what is needed I suppose.

I did have a very positive talk with the the lady from occupational help and she will send the report to me before work.

I still feel like I’m not here, just watching and waiting with no care to give. I love my little home and family, they make me smile if only I could live in this little bubble forever more.

On the outside I’ve had great plans to go for walks, start swimming, cooking etc in reality I’ve not showered or left the house again for a few days. I should probably hope I don’t smell but I can’t find the energy either way.

It will be ok, possibly, maybe, who cares

[Wolfiefan]

WE CARE
Those who love you care.
One aim. Tomorrow. A shower?

[GazingAndGrazing]

Wolfie I’m always glad when you post, you come across as such a lovely person.

Ugh, O K, if you insist. I’ll shower and wash my hair in the morning. I wouldn’t mind but I have such a lovely powerful shower room with lots of naice smelling lotions and potions so no idea why it skips the list of dragging my arse from my pit for another day.

Take care

[FlappyFish]

Because showering and drying your hair is effort. It’s not just the physical exhaustion it’s the mental too.

Not showering is the first thing I do when my mood drops. (I’m highly medicated so it still frightens me how quickly my mood can plummet). It takes me a couple of weeks to realise. I have quite long hair and the effort required to dry it makes me want to cry.

I’m working full time in a very stressful job too. Being home based means there is no switch off time.

I’m very glad you’re getting some support from OH and work and those around you.

I care. I get it.

[GazingAndGrazing]

Thank you flappy you have summed it up perfectly. I also have long hair which is left in a scruffy bun all day and night.

I feel your exhaustion, wish you well, wish us all well

[Veryverycalmnow]

Well done OP for getting a plan together and taking some really sensible steps. Be kind to yourself and just focus on that for the next couple of weeks. Small steps in the right direction. 👍

[MrsKHB]

I hear what you’re saying about sitting around for days at a time.
I did that too. Every evening I promised myself tomorrow would be different...some days it was, then the days would merge into one again.
It doesn’t happen as often these days so please remind yourself it won’t always be like this.
Give yourself time, while also forcing yourself into doing things you can’t be arsed to do.

I’m glad you’ve got a little support thread here, keep coming back to update us, we’re here and reading x

[Wolfiefan]

Bless you OP. I have been there. I have stayed in bed. Sat on the sofa and stared into space. Been unable to get a drink of water even though I was really thirsty. Felt like the idea of a shower was equal to running a marathon.
It can get better.
Hoping you manage that shower today.

[GazingAndGrazing]

I’m irrationally cross with DD and DH today. They are both off work and are in my way of doing nothing. I have a lovely routine of doing nothing and they are ruining it.

Do I want to help clear out the shoe cupboard? NO
Go for a walk? NO
Come on the food shop? NO

I know they are being kind and thoughtful I just wish they would bugger off and leave me alone.

GP is changing my meds, need to do that slowly and I’ve had my first 1;1 session which was exhausting although I managed 50 minutes of explaining how I couldn’t care less about anything or anyone. I just want to be left alone.

GP also said I sound mentally exhausted and signed me off for a further 4 weeks. I’m just doing 1 day at a time right now.

[Wolfiefan]

One day at a time is just fine.
I get the people cluttering your space thing. Can you ask them to do something that means they have to leave you alone??
Hope the med changes help. I’ve finally found my “one” and it’s been lifechanging.

[GazingAndGrazing]

Hi Wolfie, they have taken the hint and gone food shopping. I’m trying to be nice but I just need my space. They are really supportive but don’t understand how exhausting being unwell is when you look fine on the outside.

Glad you have found the one fingers crossed for me. I’m changing from sertraline to fluoxetine and staying on mirtazapine for the evening meds and I’m not going to google side effects or horror stories. I need to trust my gp and go with the flow.

The guy I spoke to yesterday for the 1;1 sessions came across as nice. I didn’t think I would ever bother with therapy again but I’m going to give it a go after all, I’m not doing anything else am I, ha ha

[Wolfiefan]

You are. You’re doing your hardest to get well.
That’s my miracle drug? fluoxetine!!
No horror stories here. Wishing you the very best.

[GazingAndGrazing]

Oh, that’s good to hear let’s hope it works.

I’m definitely feeling better by doing nothing or doing what I want/can do. The therapist called it mental exhaustion and I need a re set.

I’m glad you are feeling better it does give me hope and I do know it won’t always be like this.

[Wolfiefan]

Yep I crashed completely. Signed off. Sat and did nothing. Struggled even to shower. Didn’t cook or work or read or watch TV. Just couldn’t.
Today I’ve walked my dogs, and my mum’s dog. Done the school run and tidied up a bit.
And I’m happy. Actually enjoyed parts of the day!
Give it time and be gentle on yourself.

[GazingAndGrazing]

Time is the key, so glad to read you are through it.

I’m day 1 off 3/4 old meds 20mg new, so not with it, everyone is really pissing me off but thanks to teens and hello fresh they made dinner and I’m just over seeing things... day2 tomorrow

I feel really selfish, I just want time alone

[Wolfiefan]

That’s not selfish at all. You just want time to heal. That’s ok.