I am not ok

[GazingAndGrazing]

Everything is falling apart. I think I am on the brink of a mental breakdown and it scares me so much.

I have my end it all plan. I won’t do it, I really won’t because it would be selfish and I know I am loved at home. It just feels comforting that I have a plan in case I need it.

I’ve taken meds for years, talk to my gp, on a waiting list for therapy and asked for occ health at work.

No one knows how I really feel. On the outside I have everything and appear to be doing well although it’s crumbling and I can feel it coming. Work are on to me and I’ve had to admit a tiny, tiny bit of vulnerability.

I can’t be too honest, no way am I going back to a secure unit, that would be the final push too far, I wouldn’t be able to come back.

I’m so exhausted even just writing this down, I don’t know why I’m even do this - maybe in the hope that someone understands how exhausting fighting it all every day and night and has made it through without losing everything, I have a lot to lose.

I don’t want to appear rude, I’m going to switch off once posted and look back in the morning only purely because that voice you hear in your head is saying “no one will reply, why would they” I can also hear my phoning ringing in my mind and it annoys me because it’s not even switched on it’s just tormenting me and it wins every time.

Please don’t ask me to call the Samaritans I’m far too past that stage, ha I’m even posting on an anonymous forum in the hope of dulling the noises (I won’t say voices) I’m functioning to a minimum because I can’t do anything else until it gets to much and I can feel it coming just like it did before but I now have so much more to lose

[Wolfiefan]

You do sound so much better.

[GazingAndGrazing]

Aw, @ssd thank you, I do feel like I’m moving forward albeit slowly but that’s fine. New meds seem to suit me so that’s a relief and if sitting in the kitchen is working then I’m ok with that to.

[ssd]

I just wanted to pop in and give you some support too op. It sounds like you are maybe starting to turn a corner, inch by inch. Not to put pressure on you, just to say I've read the whole thread and you sound a wee bit more like coming up instead of sinking further.
I feel like I'm in the kitchen with you

[GazingAndGrazing]

@Vampyhooch

I hope you are ok? I didn’t see your post which is now hidden just wanted to say, pop back if you want to

[Wolfiefan]

That’s great! Obviously I mean the counsellor not just the chicken wings. Though they sound like just what I was craving earlier. We had a dinner of party food. Served on posh plates so the family decided it was a “platter”. Not a “mum can’t be arsed tonight so here’s some stuff from Iceland that I shoved in the oven”

[GazingAndGrazing]

Hmm, I’ve made really sticky, spiced chicken wings - so good.

And whilst it’s just you and me on a public forum... I would like to make a note that we spoke about DD2 on Thursday and I’d like to talk about my return to work fears and everything that goes with it next week.

Could never imagine me being someone to plan my next 50 minutes with a counsellor and actually look forward to it, who new! Have a great weekend @Wolfiefan

[Wolfiefan]

Don’t! Kitchens are good. I’ve just made leek and potato soup in mine!
Happier is great. X

[GazingAndGrazing]

I’ve now had my 3rd session and it exhausted me, gave me a headache and took me back, I shedded a little tear or two over things.

At the end of this weekend I’ll be totally moved from old to new meds, I’m feeling happier, don’t know why but I know I am.

I’m still living in my lovely kitchen every day apart from taking the boys out even in the rain.

I’m feeling ok, better, it’s all ok again as long as I don’t have to leave my kitchen ever again

[GazingAndGrazing]

Fingers crossed we both have a relaxing weekend then

[Wolfiefan]

I’m shattered. Trying to get the house straight and had to walk mum’s dog as she’s not very well right now. Lovely walk with my two dogs though! And curry for dinner. Yum. Hoping tomorrow is much less meh.

[GazingAndGrazing]

Thank you Wolfiefan how has your day been? Mine was meh, an in between day which is fine.

[Wolfiefan]

Still checking in. It’s horrid to have down days but at least it’s not every day. Small steps.

[GazingAndGrazing]

coffee thank you for posting

[GazingAndGrazing]

Sorry, thinking outloud so I remember to tell the Gp because I can’t be bothered to get up and find a pen...

I think my down days this week (first week of changing meds) were days when I didn’t take 100mg sertraline plus 20mg fluoxetine so I only had 100mg sertraline instead of my usual dose.

[Coffeeoverload]

keep going OP. You are doing so well. There are a lot of people feeling like this at the moment but there’s always support. Just look at all this from strangers! You are not alone, and you are loved. All is not lost! Xx

[GazingAndGrazing]

@Wolfiefan I really do appreciate you checking in on me and reading back from start to finish, yes, I suppose I am or at least I should be or will be one day soon.

Quietly giving no fucks but also knowing it will all be ok

[Wolfiefan]

I do hope you’re bloody proud of yourself. I was proud of you reading that. It’s fine to have a shitty day (you’re not the only one!) but that doesn’t mean the next day will be or that you’ve failed at anything.
Wishing you sunlight and more laughing out loud!

[GazingAndGrazing]

I’ve had a better day today. Took the pups over the field and no one else was there so we ran like loons. For the first time since starting this thread I actually laughed out loud and felt - I don’t know, I felt it will be ok I suppose.

I've had my 2nd talking therapy as well and as much as I don’t want to talk it is helping and I prefer not being face to face. I managed to talk about work, how I really feel and what I think I might need to do but won’t be doing just yet because I’ve not finished doing nothing and that is ok.

I also like it being long term therapy as a-poses to CBT, I like the no end date. The thought of “you will be better in 4 weeks and return to everything like before isn’t what I need and isn’t what I will be doing, things need to change and that’s not just me.

I’ve also realised I’m not ashamed that I reached my end of the rope and I’m proud I didn’t try anything stupid like the last time and because of that I don’t have to deal with all the additional guilt that goes with failing the plan which means the plan can fuck off.

Tiny little baby steps. I’m nearly at the end of my first week of new meds every other day with 100mg of the old one. Next week is the same but 50mg of old one every day and then straight fluoxetine.

And, sorry for the essay, it’s cathartic though.

It’s ok to have a shit day and then a good day or not and keep going.

[GazingAndGrazing]

Oh, I know, I’m just being impatient with my self I suppose. I’m watching others dealing with real life work stresses and I can’t ever see myself being ready to leave my kitchen!

I have my 2nd therapy session today which I’m weirdly looking forward to but also not. Give it another couple of days and I’ll be a week into med swap.

[Wolfiefan]

Not selfish. Suffering. You can’t do any more than you can do.

[GazingAndGrazing]

Still so selfish, still trying to be me whilst swapping meds....

At first I tried to be nice but now I have no patience

[Wolfiefan]

That’s not selfish at all. You just want time to heal. That’s ok.

[GazingAndGrazing]

Time is the key, so glad to read you are through it.

I’m day 1 off 3/4 old meds 20mg new, so not with it, everyone is really pissing me off but thanks to teens and hello fresh they made dinner and I’m just over seeing things... day2 tomorrow

I feel really selfish, I just want time alone

[Wolfiefan]

Yep I crashed completely. Signed off. Sat and did nothing. Struggled even to shower. Didn’t cook or work or read or watch TV. Just couldn’t.
Today I’ve walked my dogs, and my mum’s dog. Done the school run and tidied up a bit.
And I’m happy. Actually enjoyed parts of the day!
Give it time and be gentle on yourself.