DH wants me to see the GP

[InsaneProbably]

I know I'm probably going to sound totally unreasonable and insane - hence NC. I guess I'm after some impartial comments, because I sure as hell can't seem to think straight. I know I'm not doing great right now, but I also don't know if this is something I need to actually take seriously or not. I'm scared of wasting the GP's time (especially right now), and also don't really get what the doctor is even supposed to be able to do.

Anyway. Background: I've had various mental health issues for most of my life. Diagnoses have varied. When I was much younger I was under the CMHT and quite unwell for a little while, but for the past 15 years I've just been under the care of my GP, and while I have bad periods, I've mostly been coping okay. There's not much my GP ordinarily does, except basic meds renewals and reviews; and once had me assessed, when I was a bit more unwell, but that didn't lead into anything, and I'm very keen to avoid that happening again. I see a private therapist for ongoing support, and that's really the only thing I want to have, personally.

Everything had been going really well for me, until around New Years. No obvious triggers, and nothing bad has happened, but I've been spiralling quite a bit since then. I'm constantly distracted by intrusive thoughts and images to the point I can't focus on the simplest of things. I'm having voices (not actual hallucinations, more like intrusive thoughts that just feel like that) tell me to do dumb stuff, and find it increasingly hard to resist doing the dumb stuff. I haven't been self-harming (although have a history of that) and I'm not suicidal, though.

I'm relapsing on some eating disorder behaviours. I basically go through weekdays on 800-1000 Kcal, and maybe have a binge on the weekend, or eat a bit more in general, but I'm also purging. I've lost quite a bit of weight, but as I was overweight before, all that's done so far is put me into a healthy BMI. I'm not sure if this is something to worry about, since healthy weight is obviously better. DH, on the other hand, has been getting concerned, especially about my levels of obsessing over food, and how upset I get when I eat too much.

Most recently, and mostly against my better judgement, I've come off all my mental health medications. They all have increased appetite as a side effect, and my head has been very noisy about me needing to quit them. Right now I feel like there's absolutely no way I could make myself go back on them, even though I know it's very dumb. Everything just gets very loud and distressing when I try to combat the stuff in my head. I'm also terrified I'll go back to being overweight again.

Everything just feels like it's spiralling and swirling and confusing right now. I don't want to bother the poor GP, who probably can't do much else than tell me to get back on the meds. On the other hand, I think I'm really starting to stress out DH, who is the most patient and supportive guy ever, so I feel I should go just to put his mind at ease.

I guess partly I'm just scared. I really really don't want to get referred anywhere. I don't think I could get through another MH assessment. I also don't want to get weighed, or get told off for any of this, or really anything. I just feel like I should just somehow manage to pull myself together and stop screwing everything up, and things would get back to normal. And if I can't do that myself, no one else can miraculously do it for me, either.

[InsaneProbably]

Thanks, both of you. I'm having a rare moment by myself, as DH has ventured out to the pharmacy and the supermarket. Thankfully head is pretty quiet, and the cat is having her daily zoomies to entertain me. So I'm drinking decaf coffee and trying to find non-corona things on mumsnet to read. (If there's an upside to this bad spell, it is that I haven't had much bandwidth to get too anxious over covid19; I mean we're taking all the precautions and following recommendations, but I can't dwell on it for too long, as some other much less real obsession pushes it out!)

[Astressie]

Have a lovely day! the weather is gorgeous here. Even if it's only possible to look out at it. Hope it's the same with you.x

[InsaneProbably]

It's been a month and a half, but I just felt like writing an update. I'm still finding things quite hard.

I ended up being referred to a CMHT. I basically did some self-harm (nothing that resulted in serious physical harm), and also had some worrying effects from purging, and I just felt so awful about having worried DH so much, I agreed when my GP insisted on referring. So I had a phone assessment (thankfully very short and shallow compared to previous face-to-face ones) and a couple of phone calls from them, but nothing else happened. They said all they can do these days is to call me regularly, but the last time I heard from them was several weeks ago, so I guess they didn't mean that regularly. I'm actually kind of pleased (because it means no awkward phone calls with them), but also a bit confused.

Right now I'm in a place where people around me (DH and people I talk to on the phone) seem to think I'm doing a bit better. I'm not very visibly agitated, my weight has been staying the same, I've started going out for some socially distanced walks, I'm not talking about my voices or bad urges.

But the voices and bad urges haven't gone away. I'm secretly taking only half doses of my meds, because that currently feels like a private compromise I can make with myself. I'm planning to slowly keep reducing them, hoping to be rid of them without any obvious changes in behaviour, so that no one will know. I self-harm in non-visible ways. I feel utterly disgusted that I've stopped losing weight. I feel like such a fake right now, pretending I'm getting better?

[NiteFlights]

Hi OP, I don’t know if I can offer much help, but having read your thread I’m really struck by your thinking you might be wasting medical staff’s time. Please don’t think this. You and your health are as important as anyone else and you deserve support and treatment. So it might be worth calling (or asking DH to call) the CMHT and just asking how often they plan to call you. I understand your feelings of ambivalence but it would be good to know the plan, since you clearly need support.

A previous poster suggested a private psychiatrist. Might that be an option? Mine cost £150 for an appointment last time I think. They are the experts on medication. My GP was very happy to continue with the same prescription. You need a review of your medication, I think.

Can you see your medication reduction as a kind of self-harm? I’m not saying your meds are perfect, but the voices etc show that you need them - you didn’t get on well when you stopped before, and you really need support to stop or change them, it’s not something you should be doing secretly. Also you need sleep and if reducing meds reduces sleep that’s really bad for you.

I have been in big trouble with DH for secretly stopping medication before, so I do have some insight (he couldn’t understand why I was getting gradually iller ).

I’m sure others will come along with good advice. Taking it one day at a time really helps. I think you should talk honestly to your DH. I understand the ambivalence about treatment but you really do need support. and

[InsaneProbably]

Thanks for commenting NiteFlights.

The last time I talked with someone from the CMHT they did actually say that they could arrange for a medication review, and I said I'd like that, so I guess if we don't hear anything at all from them for a while still, DH can at least call them and ask if that will go ahead at some point.

Honestly to me reducing meds seems like the one "good" thing I'm allowing myself to do, if that makes any sense. Forcing myself to take the half-dose seems more like I'm bowing under the pressure to do something that's harmful for me. I doubt I can turn that around, as it's not really a logical thought. I am actually sleeping semi-okay so far, as I've been prescribed a much higher amount of my PRN meds (which I also want to stop at some point, but the relieving effect from them is quite noticeable, so I can justify them to myself), and I save most of my daily allowence for bedtime.

I'm confused with so many people telling me I need support, and me finally agreeing, and then nothing happening, though. Like all my previous dealings with the CMHT, it leaves me feeling worse about myself than I did before I agreed to the referral.

[NiteFlights]

Yes, I understand what you mean. Maybe if your DH contacted the team you’d know where you stood, even if it didn’t amount to much. A medication review shouldn’t just be left hanging if they agree you’d benefit from one.

I’m glad you’re sleeping reasonably okay, that’s really good to hear as it’s so vital to staying on a fairly even keel.

Are you able to talk to your DH about how you feel? Or is there anyone else you trust and who might understand?

[Astressie]

Hi OP, so good that you could come back and give us an update. There seem to be lots of positives-going out for walks is great, but I do hear you that you are not still not feeling right. It's so good that you feel you can share on here and that you are able to be open and honest about how you are feeling.
Being honest is a really good start. It would be so good if you could find a professional who you could trust to share your feelings with.
As the previous poster said it is about taking one day at a time and you have made some really good first steps. i think getting a review of your medication would be a really good idea. If not, it would be really great if you could find someone just to listen to you.
This NHS page has loads of mental health lines you might find one of them is good for you www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/. Of course, sharing on here is also great.

[InsaneProbably]

I had catch up with both my GP and someone from the MH team last week. I'm not really sure I'm any wiser from either conversation, to be honest, but it's something. The MH people are supposed to call me next week, so I'll ask about the meds review then (completely forgot last time, as it I wasn't expecting the call, and got all flustered).

Having said that, I fear I might just have to be medication free. There don't seem to be ANY psychiatric medications that seem suitable to me, which don't have at least some potential link to weight gain. And yes, that does matter more to me than any possible benefits they might have. I know it sounds very stupid and vain, but right now I would rather die than put on more weight.

I don't really find helplines helpful, I'm afraid. I'm really not looking to have more phone calls about my mental health, to be honest. I kind of hate them. I have diagnosed social anxiety, and phone calls are hard for me regardless. Phone calls about something like mental health, especially with people I have never even met, are extra hard. I can't wait for this covid crisis to be over, so I can go back to seeing professionals face to face. I've heard some people say this new way of working might be here to stay, and it fills me with dread. I'll never be able to create a rapport, trust someone, and communicate effectively via phone or video calls!

This long weekend hasn't been the best. My obsessive thoughts have been very strong, and I've been self-medicating with alcohol, as dumb as it is. I've not done enough exercise, I've not counted calories as accurately as I should, and I've generally not done all the "right" things. I've been using fasting as a punishment for these kinds of things lately. I know fasting doesn't actually lead to reduced overall calories for me, because I'll just eat more once I start eating, but the bad feelings of hunger, dizziness and nausea of not eating are the punishments, I suppose. Still, I haven't been losing anymore weight.

[Astressie]

It's great you managed to speak to the GP & MH. You are engaging with services which is really good as the communication lines are open. Next week it would be really good to ask for a review of your medication. You will have the opportunity to talk through your concerns. I do get not wanting to make phone calls to helplines. Some people prefer the anonymity and it can give some people additional support. I agree it so important to be able to have face-to- face contact and good sense will prevail when coming out of lockdown. Please don't beat yourself up over this weekend tomorrow is another day. Just perhaps take a small positive step like going for a short walk tomorrow. The thing is one small step can make you feel good or more positive that you've achieved something. The good feelings that come from something small can lead to you taking more positive steps. as I'm sure you're know alcohol obviously effects your mood. So, perhaps drinking something else instead would be a good way to stop the urge of drinking alcohol, especially in this heat. Perhaps water which will make you feel that you are doing something that is good for you and help make you feel positive. Sorry, I am not sure if advice is what you want, but perhaps these are just options you can think about. You have a choice and you can do it you have taken loads of positive steps. Remember these when you feel down. You do not deserve to be punished for anything and talking to the doctors means you are trying to do the right thing despite everything else. I think this is brilliant and shows how strong you are. Keep telling yourself this .

[Splitsunrise]

OP you do sound really ill. Your thought patterns about not taking meds are not “normal” or healthy and it sounds very worrying. I’m not judging at all, I’ve been in a similar place. The decisions you’re making about coming secretly off your meds are actually damaging you, not helping you.. the voices in your head do not have your best interests at heart and they are a symptom of your illness - please remember that. Do you think you can be honest with DP about these thoughts? I think you really do owe it to him as well. I’ve made life hell for my DP at the time by not actually following the right path to be well and taking health professionals’ proper advice.

I know it’s really shit when you’ve been let down by mental health services before (and currently) and it reinforces your view that you’re not worth bothering with, and that you’re actually fine without it otherwise they would do more. That’s not true. It’s not good enough that that happens. Would your DP be prepared to help you complain about that?

I’m so sorry you’re struggling so much

[Livpool]

OP you sound very unwell - you would rather be dead than what you consider unattractive?! That is not reasonable.

I have experienced intrusive thoughts and medication made me better.

You can always lose weight again (if you want to) but you can't get better on your own

[InsaneProbably]

I do appreciate you all responding. Thank you.

I have told DH and my private therapist about reducing the medications again, so it's out there now, not a secret. (Voices are not at all happy with me.) I expect my GP will find out soon enough, if I stop renewing the prescriptions, and/or if DH gets worried about to tell her.

I had a very hard evening and a bad, sleepless night last night, so my previous post was probably a bit drastic because of it. I'm feeling calmer today, if quite resigned. Not fasting today, despite my head telling me I should (as I binged and purged during the night).

I've written down the most important bits I want to be able to say if/when the MH team call, including the medication review. Hopefully that will help me to remember to ask about them.

As Splitsunrise says:
"...that you’re actually fine without it otherwise they would do more."
That's what my head is telling me a lot. I'm apparently not the right kind of unwell for the eating disorder services, and I'm not ill enough to need a CPN or a consultant. I'm obviously not doing great, but it can't be that bad, or this wouldn't be the situation, surely. I'm very thankfully not the be the kind of unwell that would land me back in a psychiatric ward (I've been an inpatient once, and don't wish to repeat that), but it's very easy to not take your issues seriously when no one else seems to, either.

[greathat]

I think you should take a print out of your post to your GP ASAP

[Astressie]

So sorry to hear you had a bad night, sounds horrible. Good to know you have a private therapist as well that you can be honest with and that you have told DP about reducing meds. Also, great that you are not fasting today and that you are being kind to your body. You are absolutely right not to reduce your meds further until you have spoken to a professional about this. Also, your concern about not ending up being on a psychiatric ward is a good motivator not to reduce them. Consider how your voices may have increased, sleep has become poorer and purging etc has increased since you have reduced the meds. You know that this is not good. Hope you are enjoying the sunshine today and get a better night's sleep tonight.

[InsaneProbably]

Things really haven't worked out great. I ended up discharged from the MH services. I'm quite confused about it. They said it had been my choice, but I don't remember anything like it. I don't really know what happened. I'm both disappointed and relieved. Also won't be getting the medication review now. I can't face trying to talk about the situation now with anyone, especially not the GP. (I have discussed things with DH, though.) So I've cancelled my next appt with her, and I think I'm just done now. I might get better again on my own, like I've done in the past, or this might be that one time when I won't. I'm past caring now.

[Astressie]

I'm so sorry that things haven't worked out with the MH services and that you won't be getting your medication review. I do hope you are still able to speak with your counsellor and I'm sure DH must be a great support as he knows how you are feeling. Can you get your DH to advocate for you with MH to fully understand what has happened. Also, perhaps he could speak to the doctor on your behalf. I have been in this situation and it helped me although of course we're all different. I am sure your counsellor has encouraged you to keep a diary of your thoughts and feelings to help monitor your mood. It is really important to acknowledge and accept when you are not feeling great. This will motivate to re-engage when you are ready. It sounds as though you feel hopeless now this is not a good place to be. You've been there before, and things have got better. They will do again, but it will take some input from you to make this happen. Sending you lots of positive vibes and good wishes.

[InsaneProbably]

I am sure your counsellor has encouraged you to keep a diary of your thoughts and feelings to help monitor your mood.

Thanks so much for commenting, @Astressie .

My counsellor thinks I'm dissociating a lot more than usually (it's not totally new) and that's affecting my memory, so she has indeed suggested more journalling, as that's helped in the past. It also came out that I've done a structured eating disorder program type thing with her in the past, but I've just completely forgotten I've done it (I literally found an old workbook and thought, hey maybe I'll try this, and was very confused when it was already filled), which explains some of the confusion we've had with her trying to talk about my current relapse. So as I still don't remember doing any of it in the past, she wanted me to start it again from the very beginning, so that's what I'm doing at the moment. It's not fun or easy, but I'm giving it my best go.

As to the GP, I think I'll try to let my reaction from this discharge settle down first, and then see where I am. Right now I fear talking to her would just be a repeat of previous conversations, and mutually frustrating, and wouldn't really help in anyway. I have promised DH, though, that if I come off the meds, and either the withdrawals get way too much to cope with, or time goes on and I keep feeling horrible, I will then make an appointment to talk about meds again.

[FelicityBeedle]

I will say if you get in touch with the CMHT now, they may be able to reverse your discharge and save you being re referred as it does sound like you could still do with the support. In regards to your current private therapy is that ED specific? Because maybe some ED specific therapy will help with medication compliance later down the line.

I know nothing professionally, this is from someone else with MH bits and pieces to deal with

[rosecreakybex]

Any referral for a psychiatrist assessment will take ages so my advice would be to try not to play it forward to that in your head.

Go along to the GP, that's all it is you have to do right now. And take it from there. Small steps.

I avoided this for years and years until someone said to me (fairly obviously really) that if I had an allergic reaction to something, or a lump, I'd go to the GP. This is as threatening to your life as any other medical problem. You deserve to get the help you need.