DH wants me to see the GP

[InsaneProbably]

I know I'm probably going to sound totally unreasonable and insane - hence NC. I guess I'm after some impartial comments, because I sure as hell can't seem to think straight. I know I'm not doing great right now, but I also don't know if this is something I need to actually take seriously or not. I'm scared of wasting the GP's time (especially right now), and also don't really get what the doctor is even supposed to be able to do.

Anyway. Background: I've had various mental health issues for most of my life. Diagnoses have varied. When I was much younger I was under the CMHT and quite unwell for a little while, but for the past 15 years I've just been under the care of my GP, and while I have bad periods, I've mostly been coping okay. There's not much my GP ordinarily does, except basic meds renewals and reviews; and once had me assessed, when I was a bit more unwell, but that didn't lead into anything, and I'm very keen to avoid that happening again. I see a private therapist for ongoing support, and that's really the only thing I want to have, personally.

Everything had been going really well for me, until around New Years. No obvious triggers, and nothing bad has happened, but I've been spiralling quite a bit since then. I'm constantly distracted by intrusive thoughts and images to the point I can't focus on the simplest of things. I'm having voices (not actual hallucinations, more like intrusive thoughts that just feel like that) tell me to do dumb stuff, and find it increasingly hard to resist doing the dumb stuff. I haven't been self-harming (although have a history of that) and I'm not suicidal, though.

I'm relapsing on some eating disorder behaviours. I basically go through weekdays on 800-1000 Kcal, and maybe have a binge on the weekend, or eat a bit more in general, but I'm also purging. I've lost quite a bit of weight, but as I was overweight before, all that's done so far is put me into a healthy BMI. I'm not sure if this is something to worry about, since healthy weight is obviously better. DH, on the other hand, has been getting concerned, especially about my levels of obsessing over food, and how upset I get when I eat too much.

Most recently, and mostly against my better judgement, I've come off all my mental health medications. They all have increased appetite as a side effect, and my head has been very noisy about me needing to quit them. Right now I feel like there's absolutely no way I could make myself go back on them, even though I know it's very dumb. Everything just gets very loud and distressing when I try to combat the stuff in my head. I'm also terrified I'll go back to being overweight again.

Everything just feels like it's spiralling and swirling and confusing right now. I don't want to bother the poor GP, who probably can't do much else than tell me to get back on the meds. On the other hand, I think I'm really starting to stress out DH, who is the most patient and supportive guy ever, so I feel I should go just to put his mind at ease.

I guess partly I'm just scared. I really really don't want to get referred anywhere. I don't think I could get through another MH assessment. I also don't want to get weighed, or get told off for any of this, or really anything. I just feel like I should just somehow manage to pull myself together and stop screwing everything up, and things would get back to normal. And if I can't do that myself, no one else can miraculously do it for me, either.

[ChicCroissant]

Good that you've got a date, sorry to hear about the lack of sleep though. Don't worry about the reasons, I hope the time passes quickly until the appointment on Monday.

[ChicCroissant]

Is your appointment today OP, hope it goes well for you

[PeninsulaPanic]

Likewise OP, hope today works out well and you feel even a bit of forward movement and hope in your situation.

Incidentally, when you're off meds that also helped you sleep, and awake a lot as a result, the intrusive thoughts will increase unfortunately

[InsaneProbably]

Thanks for remembering.

Yeah, I saw the GP yesterday. I suppose how it went really depends on who you ask! They were concerned, and would have wanted to refer me on, but agreed not to (I really want to avoid that) if I go back on the meds. I guess they might still decide to anyway, if things don't improve quickly. I'll need to see them again next week.

So I'm taking the meds again, and I slept a bit more last night than I have been of late, but I'd be lying if I said I was happy about it.

[Wilmalovescake]

Well done OP. I don’t it doesn’t feel like it but you’ve done something massively brave and positive there.

[InsaneProbably]

Nope, really haven't. I've caved in because I'm a coward, and I hate myself and pretty much just want to run away now. But thanks for the sentiment.

[Wilmalovescake]

I know it feels like that. It isn’t true though. You’ll have to trust us all in that.

It’s completely shit for you though x

[ChicCroissant]

Be kind to yourself OP, it's not caving in at all. Give the tablets a couple of weeks to work and as Wilma says, trust us in the meantime

[InsaneProbably]

It just seems pointless to me that I was already getting worse while on these meds, but somehow going back on them will make me better? Not sure what the logic is.

I'm honestly just so angry, I don't know what to do with it. I'm not even 100% sure what about. I just want everyone to leave me alone and stop telling me what to do? I'm really trying to act human at poor DH, because he sure doesn't deserve all this, but I feel I could combust out of impotent rage at any given moment, for some reason. I'm not usually an angry person, so I'm really not very comfortable with this.

This has really shaken any trust I had to those around me. Very much made me feel like from now on I can no longer open up to any of them, and must always remember to keep a distance - including towards DH and therapist.

[PeninsulaPanic]

Although it's understandable that you're so angry (given that they're not listening to what you're trying to get across to them) I'd be concerned that deciding to keep your thoughts to yourself in future might put you more at risk. I completely agree that advising you to go on taking medication that hasn't helped is infuriating. You must feel like you're talking to a brick wall. Unfortunately, you've drawn a red line that so far they're trying to respect (not referring you on) and they actually might feel like their hands are tied. Hence them suggesting you carry on as before in hopes that things might improve. You truly don't expect to feel an improvement because previously you've experienced the meds not helping. Logically, as you say, there's nothing to suggest that they'll be the solution now either. No wonder you're fuming, it sounds like a disempowering 'solution-that's-not-really-a-solution'.

I'd be concerned that you're losing trust in relatively significant others (given that you might be vulnerable at the moment), that you're struggling with angry feelings because you haven't typically identified yourself as someone who does anger (which suggests a possible pattern of repression, and even now you're trying to make your aggression 'passive' in order to spare others), but also that you say this:

"I've caved in because I'm a coward, and I hate myself and pretty much just want to run away now."

Defining yourself as cowardly (with all its connotations like weak, submissive, etc), and believing that 'surrendering' is hateful in yourself, sounds like you turning on yourself and not trusting yourself. That 'inner atmosphere' you're falling into adds to the powerless feelings and stokes anger. Is there space within you for more self-acceptance - just for now, as things stand, while you figure things out? You don't have to feel resigned to always living this way, don't have to absolutely define yourself as a result of your present difficulties and confusion, but you do need to let yourself off the hook. Anyone in your shoes would find the current state of play frustrating and disheartening, but there's no need to characterise yourself as cowardly. You're actually trying to cooperate and comply, given that right now no other options can be applied, but that state will change because it's a dynamic situation, not static. When it does, think about whether or not you might be able to budge a little on your red line - just to explore the possibilities that might come from that.

In the meantime, focus on the most recent gain - you've slept a little better, and keeping taking the medication in the short term might maintain that gain and give you a bit of wiggle room to go easier on yourself. What you're going through is tough and very challenging, no doubt about it. Instead of coming down so hard on yourself, do what you can to remind yourself that you're working to find a solution, which is really positive and self-supportive.

[InsaneProbably]

I do appreciate your thoughtful response, although I'm not really in a place to think on it.

If the referral meant eg. going straight to speak with a psychiatrist, I would do that. But what it means in practice is a long and upsetting assessment with the Access Team, who are really usually not helpful or easy to deal with from my previous experience, and have turned me down every single time in the past ten years - regardless of how much the person referring me has wanted me seen by a psychiatrist.

I'm currently mostly just tempted to run away from all of this. Really toyed with the idea yesterday, when I happened to be at a major train station by myself, with a whole bunch of cash in my wallet. But I didn't.

Sleep has been very bad again for the past few nights. Broken bits of sleep and very vivid nightmares. So I guess the plan to drug me into sleeping more only worked very temporarily.

[InsaneProbably]

Just updating, because honestly I'm struggling.

I never actually managed to have that follow up with my GP. It got cancelled amids the virus suddenly messing everything up, and while the surgery asked me to reschedule - I just didn't. I feel like the GP is bound to be busy with more important things right now, and honestly I'm also still afraid of the referral. Although are the CMHT even seeing anyone at the moment anyway?

I came off the meds a second time. I was really trying to take them, but it's been a fight with my head every evening. BUT coming off them didn't work out either: I just didn't sleep AT ALL, and felt very manic and extremely anxious, so rather than re-worry poor DH, I've sucked it up again re-started them yesterday. Slept for 12 hours last night, which was much needed.

In a way having to self-isolate suits me right now. We're both fine symptoms-wise, but I'm in a high risk category, so I'm willingly just styaing indoors and not seeing anyone. DH has only gone out to the odd pharmacy and grocery store trip, so not much either. It suits me, because I don't feel upto seeing anyone, or talking with anyone, and just want to isolate myself mentally as well as physically. Obviously not going to therapy now, either, for the foreseeable, although I have spoken on the phone with the therapist once, last week.

Anxiety is just horrendous, and while I've got some appetite back, I've been purging at least once every day of late. It feels very shameful and wrong at a time when so many can't find enough food in the shops! We don't even have binge foods in the house, really, so it's just been fairly normal portions of normal food. I thought I was maintaining my weight, but have just got my periods, and it must have been a PMS bloat, as weight has just jumped down again this morning.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I've read all these trite little articles on how to look after your mental health during social distancing, and they just tend to make me amused. If I could have a routine and keep in touch with people electronically and sleep and eat well, I'd hardly have a problem, would I?

Just wanted to write a pointless little rant, I guess.

[ChicCroissant]

You need to speak to your GP again, OP. Urgently. And stick with the meds as they take a few weeks to work when you take them consistently and I doubt that you gave them long enough last time. But you really need to speak to your GP, please do so.

[NorthEndGal]

How is your dh doing now?

[InsaneProbably]

I'll try to rebook the GP. I don't really think there's anything she can do, though, and they must all be very busy right now. Feels wrong to waste their time just to whinge about how much I don't like my meds.

DH is doing okay. He's wfh, but still has contact with work mates and his family every day. He's been happy I've been eating more, and I guess part of the worry is less, because we're in the same house 24/7, so he doesn't need to worry about me being alone anywhere, I guess.

[Elieza]

Glad you got an appointment. Perhaps a bit of exercise at home would help you sleep better. You could do yoga or tai chi for relaxing and balancing your mind and body or some keep fit stuff plenty videos online. Good luck.

[ChicCroissant]

My GP is doing phone triage for everything ATM, so I'm fairly sure you'll get to speak to someone - do it, OP. You deserve the help

[InsaneProbably]

So much for that plan. Our GP surgery has just announced their 17 staff members down because of illness (it's a small surgery, this includes most of their doctors), and are having to suspend all routine appointments.

I'm doing LOTS of exercise at all. It is honestly just a part of my ED relapse at this point and not in anyway helpful for my mental health.

[InsaneProbably]

Ugh, I can usually write properly, honest.

• they're
  
• lots of exercise at home

[InsaneProbably]

Just to narrate, DH did manage to get a phone appointment for me for next week. Now just hoping it won't get cancelled.

[Astressie]

You sound like you've got great support from your DH, OP. That's fantastic. Hang on in there. You've obviously been through similar before and know stuff takes a while to sort out. I know it sounds silly, but taking one step at a time is all you need to do. Thinking too far ahead is sometimes too much. Every positive thing you do, like getting an appointment, is really a battle won and a step nearer to you getting to the place you need to be.Lots of luck with the appointment next week.xx

[ChicCroissant]

How did the phone appointment go OP? Hope things are going OK for you this week.

[InsaneProbably]

Hi, and thanks for asking @ChicCroissant - and also thanks everyone else who commented!

I did luckily manage to talk to my usual GP last week. The phone appointment itself seemed to be mostly confusing for the both of us. I'm kind of anxious about phone calls at the best of times, and really struggled to put things into words, and I could tell she wasn't really following me.

She told me to try increasing my promazine, though, and that much stuck with me from it, at least. I've been taking it four times a day now, instead of the usual once or twice. I think it has actually been working. I'm pretty tired, but taking slightly smaller doses during the day means I'm not actually falling asleep until the evening. It seems to have dulled down the anxious urgency of the obsessions, and even the voices seem to be appearing less, and I don't find myself reacting to them as strongly. I'm still finding things hard, but a bit less so for several days now.

I also had some bloods taken, because of the eating disorder, and because I'd been bringing up quite a bit of blood while purging (I assume from my throat or somewhere high mostly, as it's red blood rather than "coffee grounds"). They all seem to have come back as normal, too, which is nice. Iron, b12, vit d etc are all good, despite this relapse having lasted for a while already - I've been taking supplements in the morning (when unlikely to be sick), and feel glad now that I have.

So while I don't exactly feel great, it all seems a bit clearer right now. I've even managed to cut down on the purging quite a bit in the past week. And have been managing to take all my meds, including the ones the voices don't want me to. Still not really sleeping well, and still having some weird episodes, and got very carried away with some compulsive activity yesterday, but maybe things will start to settle down, at least to a level where we ride out this virus, and address whatever madness needs addressing afterwards.

[Astressie]

Fantastic news! Even though you're not feeling 100%, what progress you've made!! Even just the phone call which I know can be really stressful. Good news with the blood tests. But to me it sounds like your most difficult symptoms were the voices and anxiety. So pleased you feel a bit more in control and that the doctor's advice seems to have helped. Keep doing what you're doing - looking after yourself, like taking the vitamins, and do let us know how it goes.

[TheSparklyPussycat]

Delurking to say how pleased I am for you