Historic child sexual abuse and counselling *TRIGGERING*

[PopcornBits]

I have just found the courage to come forward about sexual abuse that happened to me as a child.

Today was my initial assessment for counselling and it has scared me, they're allowed to pass on information if it relates to historic sexual abuse now, and further more I have a 4 year old daughter who is the absolute world to me.

I am now panicking that they're judging everything I tell them and they're going to pass it over to social services and have my daughter taken away. It has got me in tears, that as a victim, I am being judged on what I say which could conclude to safe guarding my daughter.

I am NC with the abuser, but have only been for the past 2-3 months. Before then I used to continue seeing him and I would take my daughter, I never ever left her unsupervised knowing what this person is like I always kept her by my side. Now I'm wishing that I'd of built the courage up sooner to say something. I am an idiot, why did I continue having a relationship with this person?

I've just dug myself a deeper hole haven't I?
Can someone please reassure me that they're here to support and not just take her away from me

[Jenala]

From your abuser*

[Jenala]

I'm a social worker. They won't remove your daughter for having had SUPERVISED contact with him in the past and even better having nc now. What they will be looking at, if anyone even assesses, is whether she is at risk of significant harm and whether you and her father are acting protectively. Since you have stopped contact, she is not at risk of harm from your abused and you are acting protectively as you are not letting her see him.

They may also be interested in details in order to check if there are other children in his life who may have contact.

[NotAnotherNoughtiesTune]

What a coward. Couldn't use the last bit of decency and be honest.

Those that care about you will believe you and that's all that matters.

Good luck OP.

[PopcornBits]

Thanks. I did wonder whether they would want to see my daughter.

Things have changed since I posted this anyway, I've now sent an email to the abuser and he's aware that I'm not going to have contact with him anymore.

He rang a relative and told them that if he didn't pick up his phone it's because he's been reported after he denied ever touching me

I have to wait a few more weeks for treatment to start properly but I have every intention of reporting.

Thanks for all of your advice, it's been really helpful.

[NotAnotherNoughtiesTune]

They will take into account you've recently stopped seeing them and that corresponds with you seeking therapy.

At the very most - I even doubt they'll do this - they'll chat to your daughter in a play therapy type setting and ask her to draw what she wants and observe her.

They will not take her off you.

I'm really proud of you for seeking counselling.

[HurtleTheTurtle]

Sorry I asked about whether he abused other people - the only thing I can think is whether they are aware it's linked and there's an ongoing court case?

You absolutely do not have to disclose who it is; just tell them you are not ready to and feel that's a step for the future AND if you ever chose to take that step you need to have been in a trusting relationship with a therapist.

They can't withhold therapy from you for not disclosing names of abusers.

[PopcornBits]

He has abused other people.

It makes me so upset thinking that.

Sorry, I meant they as in the therapists.

I completely relate to the thought of being murdered for disclosing the abuse, I'm feeling horribly guilty and like I'm going to trigger a reaction in that person for doing this.

[HurtleTheTurtle]

Popcorn Who is they?

You absolutely do not have to give an identifiable information unless you are questioned formally.

I understand they are possibly trying to ascertain your daughter is not at risk, however, there should be other ways you can assure them of this without naming names. Have you spoken about what you do to minimise that risk? Ie. your daughter doesn't see the person etc.

You could also give identifying information without it being reported. It may just be to see what relationship you currently have with them. One option may be to ask some hypothetical situation questions about the reporting threshold?

Do you suspect this person has abused other people?

Familial abuse is really difficult to deal with; and professional should be aware of this (I still think I am going to get murdered because I disclosed abuse - it's irrational but true to me; disclosing unfortunately doesn't make those ingrained thoughts go away).

[PopcornBits]

They want me to give identifiable information I suspect so that they can report it but no he doesn't have access.

[HurtleTheTurtle]

Why do you think they will pass on the information? Does he have access to children?

Usually, they won't pass on information unless that's the case. I've been through counselling for similar things and never been asked to name people, nor have I been asked to share information about those people.

[PopcornBits]

Thank you Danger that's clarified a lot for me.
I think I am worried that I have done the wrong thing by staying in contact. I never wanted my DD to be at risk.

The person is a family member, which the abuse was kept quiet because of him telling me to do so. Until I told my Mum last year, it has been like opening Pandora's box not knowing how I'll feel and what will happen next.

This is like another uncertainty really, I think I need to put my trust into these people and hope for the best.

Thanks for all your responses.

[dangermouseisace]

they probably have some sort of flow chart that they have to follow with regards abuse. They also have to warn you at the start of counselling (before you've disclosed anything about anything at all) of all the reasons that they would have to break confidentiality. E.g. if you've murdered someone, are abusing someone, if anyone else is at risk etc. It's standard.

You are non contact with the abuser, you never let them unsupervised with your daughter before you went NC. Where is the risk to your daughter? You haven't exposed her to any as far as I can see.

Many people who have been abused keep in contact with their abuser, as most often it's a family member, and abuse is kept 'secret'. And quite often people don't realise how wrong it was, or what actually happened until they are much older. You are not alone in waiting to disclose. It's an incredibly difficult thing to do. You have done the right thing, and I hope the counselling is helpful for you.

[Minimoan]

This organistion would be able to help you:

napac.org.uk/

[PopcornBits]

She has no contact with him anymore, not for at least 2/3 months now. And even before it was supervised at all times.

I've told my husband and he's panicking now, assuming she's going to be taken away, I'm just feeling like I've done the wrong thing.

That's not really important, what's important is that he is arrested for this and doesn't have the opportunity to do it again to anyone.

I'm just naturally concerned for my daughter.
Thank you for responding and that helps a great deal herebehippos I've never done this before so unsure of the process.

[Bobbiepin]

Unless your DD is in considerable risk of harm they won't take her away. You should be proud of yourself for taking such a big step. Its normal to feel scared and uncertain about the future now but try to find someone to talk to.

[Rinkydinkypink]

Your being amazingly brave to talk about what happened. It is very unsettling but hopefully it will be help you in the long term.

If they are to share any information it will be because they feel you or your daughter are at risk of harm. They should discuss and disclosure of information to an external authority with you before they do anything.

Just because they can share this information doesn't mean they will!

Counselling organisation prefer not to break confidentiality and will only do it if they absolutely have to!

Does your daughter have any contact with your abuser?

[herebehippos]

It's not the same thing but I have been seeing a counsellor to work through historical child abuse and neglect (physical not sexual) and am still in low contact with my abuser. The councellor was interested in how I was keeping my children safe etc and were up front that they needed to be sure my children were safe, but haven't judged me for still haven't contact and have really helped me deal with my trauma.

[rizlett]

Popcorn - it's normal to feel scared with all this going on. I think you have been very brave.

Is there any way you can contact someone to find out the answers to your natural concerns?

[PopcornBits]

Not sure if I've even posted this in the right place