If this turns in to a ramble, sorry! And apologies too if it turns into a 'feeling sorry for myself' type thing - just need to offload and don't really know where else to go.....
My nana passed away this morning. She was told between Christmas and New Year that she had lung cancer, advanced and aggressive. She was moved to a hospice after New Year and stayed there. She was 91. My Grandad (89) has health issues of his own and after 70 years of marriage is heartbroken. My mum suffered a SAH last year, has diverticulitis, and whilst having recovered amazingly well from all that she faced last year, still has some difficulties including aphasia, and has only had her driving licence back from October last year. She doesn't drive very far though. I took her to see Nana (her mum) at the beginning of the month - heartbreaking as we knew it would be goodbye, her brothers both live near by so have been keeping us up to date with everything. Seeing my mum having to deal with that was so hard, although we are both glad she got to see her and say all the things that they wanted to.
My dad can no longer drive as his eyesight is failing. I took him to hospital this week for tests that we anticipate are going to confirm a suspected diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. He had a colostomy bag fitted last year after colorectal cancer surgery, he has prostate cancer, a leukaemia that's common in older people, and had a quintuple heart bypass 6 years ago after suffering we think 3 heart attacks. He is worried about what may be coming next (there's more scans and tests booked as well). A good friend of mine who has been an influential figure in my life from a young age is in the final stages of terminal pancreatic cancer - it is a horrible bastard of a disease.
My DP doesn't live close by - we have a LDR, seeing each other once a fortnight on the weekend my DS (3 of them) stay with their Dad. Makes getting a hug a bit tricky..... he is supportive, concerned for me, but the distance sometimes makes it hard to properly say all this kinda stuff. Missing him a great deal right now, won't be able to see him until next weekend :(
I got a sick note at the start of the year as I couldn't face going back to work in a job I should never have taken, and was struggling with - full time hours, and having lost the afterschool childcare facility I had (kids had been playing up rather a lot - they're generally pretty good, but for whatever reason this didn't work out and I have no other options left on that score) it was getting a bit much. Outcome of that was a mutual agreement to terminate my contract, and I am now on JSA, looking for something part time and preferably at a more 'junior' level mentally to what I have been doing - in itself a challenge as being taken seriously when wanting to take a step down tends to mean I get overlooked by potential employers. I can't not work, although I have to be honest that at present the breathing space couldn't have come at a better time.
I have previously suffered with depression, and for 2 years was on ADs but took myself off them (shortly before Mum was taken ill!) I know I dip quite low sometimes, hormonal fluctuations add to it somewhat as well. Don't quite feel low enough to go back on meds, but am getting to feel utterly fed up of this seemingly endless slog of rubbishy stuff. Oh and my brother is also facing challenges after his decent sized business went in to administration between Christmas and New Year - he's doing ok I believe and sorting things out, but I know my folks are worrying about him and it's another thing on their list of stuff to worry about....... which includes me and I worry about them too...... I don't know how Mum is going to cope with losing her Mum, or what impact this will have on her health.
Sorry... just needed to get that all off and out a bit - my DSs have been lovely this afternoon after I told them about Nana - although I also know that every time they come and hug me this evening I will have to try so hard not to cry...... and when we all go and see my folks tomorrow that's going to be a tough one too......
Thanks for reading this far. I know there's plenty of folks dealing with all kinds of stuff that's harder than this, I have so much respect and admiration for all these amazing people who hold it all together in the face of so much - just hoping I can do the same!
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Mental health
Feeling a bit overwhelmed and struggling
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frazzled3ds · 27/01/2017 16:43
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