Ex partner depression and behaviour

[user1484127371]

Hello,

I am looking for some advice with regards to depression and behaviour of someone who is depressed. Bit of background; I’ve been with boyfriend for 7 months, he is a wonderfully kind, funny, happy full-of-life person. We were in love, he said I was his gift and that he’d never been so happy. We were best friends. I have always been aware that he has low moods and struggles with what I would say is depression. I’ve talked to him quite a bit about it. These are the symptoms:

• He cries
  
• He was irritable
  
• He doesn’t want to live (but isn’t suicidal)
  
• He started to blame me for all his moods (I trap him, I make him angry, I make him unhappy, I frustrate him etc a complete departure from before)
  
• He is so angry, about what , I don’t know – he can’t articulate this or he says I’m the cause
  
• He says he has no feelings, feels numb and no longer loves me (yet he told me the day before he loved me?!)
  
• He feel worthless and constantly in pain
  
• I also noticed his sleep becoming disturbed
  
• He has become physical with himself – hitting his head, fists and throwing things so he ends up cut
  
  He no longer wants anything to do with me and I am at a loss. 24 hours before he messaged me this I sat with him for 3 hours and consoled him and supported him and he said he loved me.
  Basically I wonder if this is him talking or depression? He recognises he’s unwell and is seeking medical help but I don’t understand why he is taking it out on someone he loved and someone who has been supportive of him?
  In a nutshell I don’t know what to do. I want to try and think logically but have never experienced this before. I am hurt and devastated he has become a monster. Do people get better? Do they stop blaming exterior factors? I fear I have lost him forever.
  
  I would be so grateful if anyone with insight could give me their experiences or thoughts. I love him but apparently , all of a sudden he doesn’t?!
  
  Thank you
  
  C x

[fallenempires]

Wow! Either he has fed the GP a whole load of BS or he's seen a GP who lacks knowledge in MH issues.Neither are good.
Was this a face to face conversation?
Or a phone call?
Who initiated it?

[Charliepeace83]

Hey AnxiousCarer and fallenempires,

Thank you so much for your input. It really helps to have people who have experienced this. I put away some photos I had of him from 6 months ago. Wow, he actually looked a different man! It’s sad that he now looks drawn and ill and ten years older. Little things I’ve noticed like dirty nails and not washing so much – now that’s not my fault?! This is surely depression?

He’s always been angry towards people….his old boss, so he left his job – he now dislikes his new job, his family – he gets wound up by his mum caring, his housemate… he’s so angry at me now. So you are right, I have now stepped away so he can longer blame me.

AnxiousCarer you sum it up, even though it’s tough to hear. I know the GP will have looked at him and guessed he drinks too much. And yes I know he will have edited the BS he told the GP….he is in denial. I initiated he go and he agreed admitting he had a big problem and he couldn’t go on like this, he saw the GP face to face (I think, unless he lied). He’s done the surface stuff….go to the doctors but he’s said he’s not going again so he’ll always be depressed . He won’t stop drinking or taking drugs, he won’t change his lifestyle at the moment I’m the problem not him….a classic case of denial?

I have no confidence when it comes to relationships so if anything goes wrong I blame myself and think I can fix it and take the brunt…..he has latched onto this and happily blamed me for anything and I have allowed it. There were a few red flags but I thought it was me and blamed myself 

Perhaps he no longer loves me but I can’t understand why he didn’t sit me down and be kind? He just coldly told me in a phone call when I asked him.

I’m just a mess inside. I’m getting stomach pains thinking about it.
Thank you for listening x

[AnxiousCarer]

Take some time out to focus on you and building your self esteem. It's really hard when a relationship ends even when you know its for the best. Be kind to yourself.

[fallenempires]

You sound such a lovely caring person and none of this is your making,honestly,please believe me with this.The fact alone that he won't go back & see the GP speaks volumes,he really is in denial or just too bloody minded to help himself.If he really wanted to sort himself out & move forward then he would do end of,especially if the GP offered support.
What were the other red flags sorry to sound as if I'm prying,but I'm not,it might help you to clarify things if that makes sense.
At seven months in of dating it shouldn't be like this should it?

[Charliepeace83]

Thank you so much for your kind words and caring enough to impart your own experiences. This is so helpful.
Lots of implicit red flags, that looking back I should've taken more seriously.

• Smokes weed and drinks until he blacks out....not all of the time but enough! This became more obvious as time has gone on. I hardly drink and I'm not sure he liked this(?)
  
• He's separated from his wife, this isn't the issue BUT he's alluded that she left because he was depressed and he shut down
  
• When they broke up they had nothing to split, not even crockery which never sat easy with me....as if he never invested even in her.
  
• He was unhappy but seemed happier to not be questioned and just mull along and in his own words 'want to die'.
  
• Quits jobs all the time and blamed every job for his low feelings
  
• Few months in he said he didn't know if he was in love with a girl he met 7 yrs ago for two weeks! Thinking about it now it was a pipe dream/escapsim
  
• Always thinks it's his job, relationship, family (who are wonderful) are to blame for his unhappiness.... Always looking for escapism from this or a new thing will answer all his problems.
  
• I'll always remember him telling me at the start that if he took me for granted I should leave....who says this?! No one unless they know it'll happen
  
• He kept saying he couldn't be the man I thought he was (now I get this sadly)
  

-Chucked out of his last house because they basically used it as a doss house

• His mum confided in me she's worried about his mental health
  

Sounds terrible right?! Because I loved him and tend to think I should improve I thought it was something to do with me. I would like to say he is incredibly confused but was very loving, kind and caring when he seemed well. He was wonderful to me for a time. However now he is a monster. He's Sooo angry with me.
Do you think he will feel bad for the way he has treated me? Do ppl stay angry forever? X

[Charliepeace83]

Also he became increasingly angry and irritable by me for me asking what was going on. Rather than sit me down and break up he would be angry, we'd argue then he'd say he wanted to make it work because he loved me.... And now I'm scum :(

[AnxiousCarer]

I really don't think it was you causing the problems, it sounds like they were already there, especially if thats the reason his wife left. fallen is right things shouldn't be like this 7 months into your relationship. Not that it would be great to be like this at any point. Generally anger fades, we can't predict the future, work on building your confidence and one day his opinion won't matter to you so much.

[fallenempires]

How are you feeling today?

[Charliepeace83]

Hello,
So I had a terrible couple of dreams last night, I suppose my brain working through things. You are absolutely right, I need to concentrate on myself.
A few days back he agreed to meet to exchange things and leave on better terms but I haven't heard anything now. He didn't reply to my text just letting him know when I was free, that was days ago. He doesn't want to leave it on good clearly. I don't know why he is soooo angry with me.
My brother in law says he was wary of him when he met him and my family and friends obviously don't like him now.
Just feel utterly lost. It's one thing going through a break up, it another thing being blamed and someone being so angry with you even though they ended it! X

[fallenempires]

Glad to hear that you are focusing on you as you don't want your own health to suffer.
Are the items involved valuable or important?
Intetesting that BIL never liked him

[Charliepeace83]

Thank you fallen. Being able to let it out and get support is so helpful and helps me realise the truth.
My BIL is like a brother to me so I think he was quietly hoping he'd show his true colours.
Not particularly valuable.... A few useful things like a hairdryer, clothes etc I do have some medication there too.

In your opinion should I just accept I won't get the stuff back? I could always bag up his things and leave it on his doorstep. I don't want to seem angry or rude because it'll only fuel is hate of me x

[fallenempires]

Could your BIL drop & collect for you?
That way you avoid any unpleasantness and dare I say it it gives you back some control doesn't it?

[Charliepeace83]

Hey, unfortunately they live three hours away. I have wonderful friends who would be happy to do it. I suppose there is part of me that wants him to see me in a better light so if I met up he'd realise I'm not a monster (pathetic I know).
He thinks we'll be meeting (obviously when he decides and on his terms) but I'm giving him all the control if I go along with it however he might the see I'm reasonable and not so bad.
He gave me a lovely, rather expensive ring and expensive necklace. Though beautiful I won't ever wear them again. Do I give them back?
Basically I want to leave it with him realising he treated me badly x

[fallenempires]

Ask friends to do it then.
He will consider you to be the bad guy regardless in his current state,be prepared for that.
Gifts are gifts so keep them.It could also be perceived as being spiteful if you hand them back.

[Charliepeace83]

Thanks fallen. Yes, I don't want to look or seem spiteful.
Or I could give it time and by then he may have calmed down and apologise.
I'll just leave it for now. He won't get in contact with me so I'll leave it a few weeks. If by then he still hasn't contacted me, say by the beginning of feb, I'll get a friend to give him his things back and accept his Chucked my things.
I will always be surprised and saddened why he is so angry at me x

[fallenempires]

That sounds positive having a plan of action.
I think that realistically tho you are going to have to come to terms with the knowledge that you will never get either the answers or an apology from him.
Please keep reminding yourself that it isn't and was never your fault.

[Charliepeace83]

Thank you fallen. I just keep reminding myself of who he really is. Perhaps he's unwell or perhaps he's just a very unpleasant man.
If he had messaged a straightforward text to me about the practicalities of exchanging stuff then I would've responded. It's over so what the point in continuing to be mean?!
You are right, I'll never know why hes doing this. One day he wants to leave on better terms yet thinks it's OK to ignore me and not treat me with enough decency to reply.
I wonder if he wants to get me wound up, so I send a shitty message so he can continue to blame his anger and low moods on me?! X

[fallenempires]

Yes I think he is both unwell and unpleasant,and uses his illness as an excuse to justify his actions.He's basically a fuckwit!
And yes you are indeed being the better person here for not rising to it.
Have you also thought about posting on the relationships board as there is always plenty of advice/support to help you through NC & also dealing with the verbal abuse.

[Charliepeace83]

:) yes! I totally agree! He's incredibly selfish and he could be nice, he could be pleasant and perhaps make himself look better by leaving things on good terms ( if he had enough about him and cared, just a little bit about me, hr would be pleasant to me) but he's just a wanker :(
I hate being horrible about the man I loved but really I have to take off my rose tinted glasses and yes, I'll never get the answers, an apology or remorse from him x

[fallenempires]

Use that realisation now and channel it into looking out for you.

[Charliepeace83]

Thank you so much for your care and kind words.
Talking it out and getting subjective opinions has helped me so much. It hurts. I hate going to sleep and I hate the couple of hours after I wake up because he's on my mind.

HOWEVER
I have been supportive and kind when he was weeping and didn't want to carry on

I have never screamed at him or blamed my behaviour, anger (if I had some) and irritability on him

I have never smashed my house up, punched walls, or headbutted the bedframe

I also have never sworn at him or messaged nasty messages (he has done this to me)

I have accepted it's over and been civil about this and Even sent a nice message saying let's leave on better terms (feel like I don't want to do that now!)

Perhaps he'll one day feel a little bad or even embarrassed for his behaviour for now it helps him move on by hating me....utterly immature and selfish.
Won't ever know why hes soooo angry but he must feel worthless inside to treat a girl he had a relationship with like this x

[fallenempires]

Charlie 7 months in?!I don't know whether you have children or not but what would you advise them if they told you this?
And regardless of how many months/years this is totally unacceptable behaviour end of.

[Charliepeace83]

Yes, I know it's unacceptable behaviour. I'm seeing he has issues and has blamed me.
It's good to get other perspectives.
I don't have children. If a friend was going through this I know exactly what I'd say.
I suppose it just helps to get subjective opinions. Thank you

[fallenempires]

Come on lovely keep strong as hard as it may seem,you're worth much more than this.

[Charliepeace83]

Thank you