Don't know what to do

[LilyC121]

Hi
So I went to the docs yesterday, suspect I have bipolar been like this years and family history of it. Took me a long time to go in, have 2 kids under 2 and a single mum so I knew I had to get help now or never. My son (oldest) is currently with my auntie as I'm not in a fit state and my 16 week old is with me.

I realise I needed help more than ever when I was arguing with their dad over the phone on the weekend as he doesn't want to see the kids. I became very angry. I told him I was going to kill him, I told him I hoped him and his family died, I told him I was going to tell the police he beat me up (he's never touched me) and when all of that didn't spark a reaction, I told him I was going to kill myself and the baby (although no intentions too) he called me sick and crazy and told me if I continued calling him he would phone social services. Anyway I wasn't even phased, I felt this was completely normal behaviour. Next day woke up happy in a good mood, text him saying I was sorry etc just changing in to such an evil person to such a nice person and later that night the same thing happened. That's not an isolated incident though, there has been too many too list.

My minds going crazy I'm always over thinking happy sad and I either feel nothing or all emotions at once. Like sometimes I don't even love people at all I just feel indifferent then other times I get such a surge of love it's incredible, but it's never normal love, it's either nothing or all at once.

Well yesterday I went to the doctors. Told him how I felt. He did a depression quiz. I answered honestly and he gave me zoloft lowest dose as my score was mild. Booked an appointment for two weeks to see how they where working. I told him again and again I am not depressed, in fact I enjoy life so much that it's scary well at the moment as there have been times where I want to die. I am not depressed I do not need these tablets!! He asked me if I had thoughts on suicide (which I do at times) but more times than not I just have thoughts of wanting to go crazy. I've had thoughts of killing my ex and tried to think of ways I could do it and get away with it although I'm probably not psyically capable. I just want to be crazy I want to go off on one, I don't want to die.

So my fear is although I don't have suicidal thoughts, I have thoughts of going crazy it's like I want to go crazy and do all these things my bodies telling me too but in the bit of sanity I have left its stopping me, but there is no time as soon that sanity will go and I know there will be no going back.

Dunno what to do but these tablets aren't gunna work I'm sure I need anti psychotics or something. Don't know if to just wait two weeks or go back in cus in the mind I'm feeling, 2 weeks time I will convince myself I like being crazy and that these tablets are just stopping me from being great or something along those lines and I will do something stupid. I just want to be assessed

[PeaceOfWildThings]

Take the tablets as prescribed. Zoloft is often prescribed to help regulate hormones (and thus mood swings) and it is good that your doctor has not gone straight for anti psychotics, as that would be irresponsible and unprofessional.

Did the doctor do a blood test? It would be good to rule out hashimotos and certain other things that can cause mood swings, or a shift in personality.
Diagnosing bipolar disorder is not a swift process, you will need to keep going back to the doctor. In the meantime, take the Zoloft as prescribed (I take mine at night because it makes me tired, and hot).

[LilyC121]

No he didn't take a blood test.

I just feel so sure that I am not depressed and I need something urgent and better than these tablets. My friend who has regular depression and otherwise normal takes them at a higher dose and I am ten times worse than her apart from I am not depressed I am insane. I need an assessment quickly as there is no time to wait I can't live another two weeks like this is what I mean like my head feels at its limit it feels like it's going to burst then I will go off the rails. I really do think it's only a matter of time before I get to the point that I will go crazy refuse help and end up getting forced to have help.

I don't know how to get it urgently though as I don't want to kill myself. But if I don't get it urgently I'm worried I will start taking other stuff to ease this. Basically I am scared of myself, I don't know what I'm capable of

[straightouttacompton]

That doesn't sound like bi - polar at all. Or psychosis.

You need some counselling or therapy.

[PeaceOfWildThings]

If you are offered CBT or other therapy, do take it, Lily.

[ChipsCheeseandIrnBru]

It doesn't sound like bipolar to me. But you do sound like you're spinning out of control.

Take the meds. See if they help.

Do you have time to figure out what's making you unhappy? Why do you want to 'go crazy'? Is it problems with your ex? If so, you need to find a calm, rational way to deal with interactions. Saying all those things isn't acceptable.

Hope you feel better soon.

[LilyC121]

I think it is bipolar or a personality disorder but I am in no way depressed or anxious. my moods fluctuate all the time when I'm angry I am EVIL I become a horrible person but when I'm nice I'm lovely there is no in between. I feel up and down about all emotions not just happy and sad.

I used to drive 100+ miles for sex (before I had baby) used to have sex with this one guy I knew up there then just find other people and have sex with them. I would come home then do the same in my area I felt amazing. 3 weeks later I would be in bed crying about what I had done, have no sex at all and repeat it all when I was manic in a few months

I actually fell pregnant because I thought having a baby would stop me from having these switched emotions. I did not care who by I just wanted to be pregnant and have something to love. When I did fall pregnant I realised what I had done when it was too late. Spent the rest of the pregnancy depressed and didn't tell anyone I was pregnant not even the dad. Just turned home with a baby. I did the exact same second time round, no body new I gave birth completely alone picked my son up from family 3 days after giving birth acting as though everything was normal.

I seek attention from people. Sometimes I cry whilst feeling no emotion at all. Sometimes I'm completely numb from emotion. I can literally text someone saying I hate them and will kill them and the next morning I text them saying sorry about last night I feel fine now.

Bottom line is I can not live like this anymore. An hour ago I felt like I wanted to be crazy and I wanted to be like this but now I just can't live like this

I don't even know if I'm making sense

[LilyC121]

It's not just with my ex, it's with everyone. Family, kids, people on the street. If I have a disagreement with a family member it can't just be "oh f*ck you" I have to get really evil and angry. Even if someone says something I don't like I will take it way out of proportion.

i really just need to see someone

[PeaceOfWildThings]

Are you eating well, Lily?

[PeaceOfWildThings]

Still thinking of you Lily, hope you are having a good day so far.
Perhaps you should go back to the doctor and ask to be referred for a psych assessment. Try not to diagnose yourself, though. I know it's a scary time and it feels like a great hope to think you have bipolar disorder, but wishing it doesn't make it happen. Being wrongly diagnosed with bipolar disorder would make matters much worse for you and your child. Zoloft helps many millions of people stabalise mood swings and hormonal imbalance. It takes a few weeks for the body to get used to it, so give it a chance.
Whatever the underlying cause of your MH problems, some talking therapy and a proper assessment is going to help.

[LilyC121]

I'm eating just not much I haven't got an appetite at all :(

I messaged my auntie a long text about how I felt before I posted this thread and she was concerned and has booked doctors for me at 11. I don't know what to do or say that will be different from yesterday. I don't think they will get a psyc evaluation unless I say I'm going to kill myself but I don't think I am going to?? Is it possible I'm ill and not going to kill myself??? I keep thinking this might just be me, I might just be naturally crazy as if I was ill surely I would be suicidal?? But I'm worried that I would harm others and I'm worried that I'm going to drop low and when I do drop low I will kill myself