Give me a slap, I feel suicidal.

[TooFatToShop]

(FYI I'm pregnant and getting an abortion on Thursday).

I'm struggling with my PhD. The examiners have found my weak point (statistics) are are focusing on it.

If it weren't for the 2 children I have (aged 4 and 5) there would literally be no point to my existence. I am 33 and have never had a job, having been a full-time student/parent.

I'm a waste of space tbh. All I do is use up resources and give nothing back. I thought AIBU would be the perfect place to get the flaming I deserve.

You are all literally paying for me to exist.

I won a phd studentship which is paid for by a Government body and I can't even do that right.

[ImperialBlether]

I'm in awe of you, too. A PhD is a terrific achievement - just to be accepted on it is amazing.

Take what you can from the extra tuition. If it's not for you and if there's a tremendous amount of stats, maybe it's time to consider doing a slightly different PhD or time to look at getting a job. However, just being accepted onto a PhD is amazing. I, for one, don't resent you getting that funding, not one iota. If I had the chance, I'd grab it. And what a fantastic role model you are for your children.

[Welshmaenad]

You're amazing.

Studying with kids is so hard, I'm 2 years into a BSc, the determination to start a PhD with two young ones is incredible, I'm in awe.

You have so much if your working life to make financial contributions to society if you feel that's necessary; but you are already contributing in terms of knowledge and research, in raising two children, and doubtless in all that you give to your friends and family.

Depression is s butch, it puts these dark thoughts of worthlessness into your head, and it's hard to dislodge them and hear people when they tell you that you are wonderful, you are worthy and the world needs you, but those dark thoughts are false and your value is real.

please please please contact the Samaritans, they are wonderful and will give you space to talk. Please tell your GP how you are feeling. Talk to your academic supervisor. Stay here and talk to us.

[DawnMumsnet]

Hi TFTS,

We're really sorry that you're feeling so low.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We can see that you're getting some very good advice here in AIBU, but but we're going to move this thread over to our Mental Health topic now. Hope that's okay.

We really hope things start to look up for you soon.

[Holdthepenproperlypleeeease]

"I turn up at this appointment tomorrow with what??

It's a mess."

Then you admit this, and start from scratch. Slowly, surely you'll get there. It sounds like a mind fuck sorry and you can't get over it, you can't get under it, you know the rest...... apologies for being naff but you have to go through it and you will. But stop punishing yourself by telling yourself you are a waste of space. one step at a time. Get the support you need. Everyone needs support sometimes.

[RiceCrispieTreats]

Do your examiners know you have discalculia? Does the person you are meeting tomorrow know?

Both of them need to be told. I don't know the facts, of course, but it's very likely that you were offered this meeting tomorrow to help you, by examiners who want you to succeed, and want to give you the support to make that happen.

I really feel for you because I have felt like I might as well be dead many times. And all I can say is that you won't always feel like that. Your suicidal thoughts are real, but what they are telling you is not true.

[Holdthepenproperlypleeeease]

*try to pray

[Holdthepenproperlypleeeease]

Op, statistics sucks, absolutely and utterly sucks. It has sucked out the joy from my life for 18 moths whilst studying for a degree that didn't really have all that much to do with Stats.

Many people struggle with this topic. I think the only other time I have felt as despondent as when practising for my stats exams was when I experienced fertility problems and I am otherwise a fairly competent and confident person where my professional life is concerned.

You are not a waste of space and I hope that deep down you know this. PHDs are hard, lonely and may people struggle with the emotional challenge a PHD presents.

If you do not want to visit your GP about this, get in touch with your University councillor, they may be able to empathise more with your current situation as they have seen many other students and PHD candidates and can relate to your challenges.

Don't think of getting extra support as wasting people's time, take one small step at a time, praise yourself, be kind to yourself (sorry cliche but stlll) and even try to part for help as it can be calming if you are into this sort of thing. good luck, pick yourself up, keep calm and....... carry on.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Can you see someone through student support/ student counselling before your meeting with your supervisor, or rearrange the meeting for a later date? I think your general well-being should be your first priority at the moment. And please seek some RL support from those around you too.

[Gazelda]

I admire people like you. You're bringing up two children, who are doubtless wonderful little people.
And on top of that, you're studying for something I wouldn't have the dedication or ability to tackle.
Tomorrow, can you go with some examples of the stat problems you're struggling with, or a topic you haven't yet grasped. Or simply bullet point your difficulties and ask to be signposted in the direction of study aids or alternative methods of approaching the stats.
Be proud of what you're working towards.

[youshouldcancelthecheque]

Obviously I don't speak on behalf of everyone but as a tax payer hand on heart I don't begrudge you in any way! Please don't feel bad that by taking Higher Education that you are in any way wrong.

You don't need a slap, I wish I could hug you in person. You need some support, stick with the degree and take as much help as you can get.

Listen to "The little EarthQuakes" and be kind to yourself

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I would turn up at the appointment with a prepared list of issues that are causing you problems with statistics, OP. You're at PhD level and good enough to be there obviously. You don't need hand-holding to get a list together ready for your appointment, you can do that in your sleep.

It's up to you, your supervisor is throwing you a lifeline here. They obviously believe in your ability to get this done. You're having a blip at the moment, I understand that. There's no need for it to sabotage your work up to this point, particularly when this is important to you.

I'm not going to send you hugs and kisses because I don't think they help, they're a sop. You have a real issue here - your PhD - and it's bugging you so I'm focused on that.

Now, what do you want to get from your appointment tomorrow? Could you add that to your list so that you don't forget anything in the moment?

Can you pinpoint the area of stats that you're struggling with so much? I doesn't sound like my area (probability) so I'm possibly unfamiliar with the issues that you're stuck with. I think, if you could pin these down ready for your meeting, it would be incredibly helpful for your supervisor/the specialist who is coming in especially to see you. It would also give you some focus right now.

I think you can do this, OP. You can get your PhD. The portents are good - instead of your supervisor saying to you, "You're right, this isn't for you, you're not up to this level.", they've actually told you to get some specialist help on the stats element because that's what they think you need. That's positive and you should be proud that your work is of the required standard, that people aren't being dismissive of your efforts so far.

I won't tell you to pull yourself together but I will tell you to try to get your thoughts into a cohesive and logical list of points ready for tomorrow.

You can do this if you want to.

[EatDickShrek]

SPSS is ok. It takes away the need to do much of the maths. You just need to know what you're looking forand how to read results. I recommend a book by Andy F

[NovemberInDailyFailLand]

PhDs are notoriously evil. With two pre-school kids, I am inclined to think you're a saint, certainly not a waste of space.

[Marmalade85]

Could you get a part time job or do some volunteering to improve your sense of self worth?

[anametouse]

I have dyslexia, I've always been crap at stats (I assume you're a social science academic, me too) I didn't start my job until I was 35. I don't have any children.

I'm going to bet anything you don't think I'm worthless or want me dead? If not then the same rule applies to you. No one thinks you are worthless but you, depression etc screws with your thinking. I'll recommend therapy in time but right now just know, no one thinks you are worthless whatever your depression tells you, it's lying

[HumpMeBogart]

Will your supervisor be at the meeting tomorrow? Do they know you have discalculia?

[TooFatToShop]

I turn up at this appointment tomorrow with what??

It's a mess.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

So tomorrow then, you will have your appointment and you will know what data and information is needed for them to help you. The fact that your supervisor has asked you to arrange this should tell you that you are not un-teachable. If you have a special need then this is something that will surely be taken into account in finding a way forward to help you.

I'm focusing on your PhD because that is the thing that seems to be bothering you the most. It sounds as if you have a good support network there. Use them. They want you to succeed. Believe that and co-operate.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Keep being here, for yourself and for your loved ones.
Everything else is negotiable.

[TooFatToShop]

Lying I have dyscalculia. Chances are, I won't 'get' stats.

[EllsTeeth]

On a practical note, I'm crap at stats too. There will be a friendly statistician at your uni who can help you. But your medical issues are probably more important right now than worrying about that. Please call for professional help. Do you have a friend or family member who can come and be with you now?

[TooFatToShop]

My supervisor said arrange an appointment with a stats specialist. I did so. It is tomorrow. But I have no idea what data/information they need. It's a waste of their time.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

How long do you have to get somebody to give you a good grounding in statistics, OP? It's defeatist to say that you never will 'get it', stats is like any other subject and is learnable.

Who do you have in your student cohort or lecturing staff who could help you here?

It's not the end of the world to fail but if you don't try, it will be a waste of your time and you'll regret it/continue to use it as a stick to beat yourself with. Putting aside the other things going on in your life which nobody here can help you with, what do you need to get through the stats?

[Trying2bgd]

Stop and take a breath. Doing a PhD means you are giving in terms of knowledge to society and you are valued and very much needed. Ask for help from your supervisors.

[TooFatToShop]

I've had a million professionals. No one has helped me. I'm untreatable.