3 month mood cycle seems endless --back to the crisis team

[dontrunwithscissors]

I have bipolar & have been having bad depressive episodes every 3 months. DH recently became a SAHD and I thought the less stress would help my mood, but it seems not. I seem to be heading for an episode right no time. I'm back under the crisis team and they're due at 2.30. I hate this.

My mind is racing, I'm going from sad to happy to anxious and all over. I have electricity rushing through me. I'm tingling all over. I'm hiding from the DDs as I literally cannot stay still and I don't want them to see me in this state. I desparately want to hurt myself. Overdose. Train station. Hanging. I don't care. It's rushing through my mind. All jumbled. Thoughts in layers, crossing over each other. Diazepam not really doing much for me. I'm tired of this. Sorry for the rant.

[Heaveniswaiting]

How are things dontrun?

[Heaveniswaiting]

How did it go with your cpn dontrun?

[dontrunwithscissors]

Thank you ayd2 and heavenidwaiting. I've had an exhausting day. I'm calmer in that the thoughts aren't flying around so fast, but I feel lower in mood. The calmness is letting me think through plans and want to follow the intrusive thoughts and urges. I'm finding it hard to stay in control. I see my CPN in the morning. I'm just so tired of all this.

[Heaveniswaiting]

It sounds like a mixed episode with the rushing, agitation and dark thoughts. Try and keep calm and remember it WILL pass, you will be well again. Can you get a meds review to try and prevent these episodes returning?
Don't feel bad finding it difficult being around your children, with motherhood comes loads of unecessary guilt. You're unwell and you need to focus on yourself. Take it minute by minute, hour by hour. thinking of you dontrun.

[AYD2MITalkTalk]

Glad the diazepam has started working. Well done for keeping it together in front of the kids

[dontrunwithscissors]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. The crisis team has been and gone. Not the most helpful visit, but i wasn't particularly open to talking. Diazepam has kicked in. I just can't cope with being around the kids, which just makes the guilt worse. Although I think it's not a good thing to see me like this. I pull the mask in every now and then & go down to them.

Yes, the depression seems endless.

[AYD2MITalkTalk]

It's weird isn't it? When I'm well I think I'll always be well and want to stop meds. When I'm ill I think it will never end...

It would never be kinder not to be here any more. He loves you.

[dontrunwithscissors]

Thank you. The crisis team is very good. After each episode I think it's never coming back, but it does. I wonder what the point of bothering to be well is. It feels cruel & wonder if it would be kinder to just not be here any more. It must be so must stress on DH

[AYD2MITalkTalk]

I'm on an average two-month cycle at the moment - it's shit isn't it? It's great that you know you're struggling and have called in the crisis team for support - I hope they can help.